My husbands grandma is mad at me because my kids didnt want to go over there: Advice?

My husbands grandma is mad at me and ignoring calls/texts because my kids did not want to come over and play. They chose to want to go swimming instead. I can’t force them to go over there! I used to go to her house all the time because the rest of the family never really included her(I think because of her attitude towards everything). I stopped visiting because it wasn’t good for my mental health. She always asks numerous questions about family members trying to get information out of me. I had boundaries in place over this. I told her I do not want to talk about any family members especially horribly. Also nothing can ever be good enough. She slams my house, my parenting, my BODY. She is the biggest body shamer. How can I continue including her in my children’s lives without it being a problem?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husbands grandma is mad at me because my kids didnt want to go over there: Advice?

Do your kids normally want to see her, aside from when they have other plans?
How old are the kids?

You don’t. You continue setting boundaries for your own and your kids sake. Family or not. If she’s treating you like that she’s probably not any better to your kids when you’re not around. Remember…hurt people, hurt people.

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Sounds like you need to leave her alone like others

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I wouldn’t. Being old and family isn’t a free pass to be an ahole. If your husband is concerned then he can go there himself and suffer the abuse. I go visit my grandma but I don’t take my kids because she wigs out that they are kids and want to play. Her house is pristine and has white carpet. Kids tend to be loud and messy. So I go alone or when they can play in the yard. She isn’t mean. She is just particular. If she was mean I wouldn’t go. I would also tell her about herself.

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Let it go. Block her out of your life. Youre married to her grandson not her

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Her feelings are no more important than yours & your kids. There’s a REASON & a good one at that to why being around her isn’t priority. Don’t put yourself or kids in an uncomfortable & potentially mentally damaging situation just to make someone happy. It’s honestly not worth it.
If you’re adamant to try, I’d personally tell her straight out the reasons you guys don’t go as often. She’s old yes, but sounds like she’s still of sound mind so it’s up to her to change her attitude, not you & your kids to just put up with it.

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Why would u include someone who is toxic around your kids and yourself?

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Why do you care if you chose to let the kids make their own decisions. That Grandma will be gone one day. Let them make memories with her. Old people are set in their ways.

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Simple you don’t. If she’s making comments like that to adults imagine how manipulative she’ll be to ur children and if others have stopped being around her then maybe u should too

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Time to say bye boo!

Let her be mad. Stop calling and texting her. If she continues cut her off.

Tell her what you just told us. I know communication is hard, but it’s so important. And she can either respect you and be better, or she won’t. Either way it gives her a chance to “make it right” and you the closure you need to see that you made the right choice in cutting her off.

Be honest with her. Let her know her attitude is bad and depressing and you and your kid’s don’t need to be around all the negativity. Be honest :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Don’t that’s toxic at least keep ur mental health

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Did you talk to your husband? Keep your distance

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I wouldn’t put up with it.

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Don’t bother with her if she’s so negative towards you. Nobody wants to be dogged. if she really wants to see her grandkids, she can call you.

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You don’t. My kids haven’t seen my husband’s mom in 4 almost 5 years and they don’t miss her one bit. If your kids don’t want to see her don’t force them. my husband cut his mom out in 2018 because she was toxic and we don’t miss her

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She’s just old and bitter nothing you can really do but explain nicely to her that they do not want to go maybe invite her over but don’t allow her to be disrespectful.

Sometimes medication can cause this attitude. It’s quite common for the elderly. Talk to her about it. Communication is the key. Especially if none of her children want anything to do with her. Sounds mentally abusive. Tell her this and that she may need to discuss it with her Dr.

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You dont have anything else to do with her and don’t send the kids over. Trust me. The way she treats you is exactly how she will treat the children as well. My daughters have nothing to do with my mom because she is the same way and she did try treating them and speaking to them like that as well. Don’t do it. Save your children the pain and aggravation. It is traumatizing.

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Kids usually have a good reason sometimes.

I read this whole thing and then I went back to the very first sentence. If she’s as toxic as you say she is why are you trying to call her and text her? You said she’s ignoring your calls and texts because she’s mad at you because of the kids not wanting to come over and play. And you’re upset that she’s mad at you about that won’t answer your calls or texts. BUT you just sat here and told us all that she’s so toxic it’s affecting your mental health. So I don’t understand? Is she toxic or not? what would you like us to tell you? stop calling her stop texting her if she’s as toxic as you say then problem solved. let her be mad why do you care that she’s mad If she is SO TOXIC ? I feel like you care that she’s mad because maybe she’s NOT as TOXIC as you’re describing her to be. SO if you want to fix it fix it otherwise STOP CALLING AND TEXTING her.

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You can’t. Toxic is toxic. It doesn’t matter the relationship.

You set boundaries, she didn’t respect those boundaries.

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Don’t. Family isn’t always blood and blood isn’t always family. If you stopped for your mental.health why on earth would you want to subject your kids to that? She’s already got issues for the fact that they didn’t choose what she wanted that day they went swimming. I get that you may want to for your own reasons, and I obviously don’t know you or have all the details, but it sounds like your kids would be better off without her shaming them too. If they’re old enough maybe ask them when they’d like to go visit and see if you can drop them off for a while. Otherwise maybe explain to them (again if they’re at that age) the reason you stopped an see what their opinion is

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It’s your job to protect your babies momma not make everyone else happy their feelings do not come before keeping your kiddos in a safe healthy environment inside or outside of your home❤️

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Why are you calling and texting her ?

Sounds like the ball is in your husband’s court and he needs to have a talk with her. Good luck.

I just want to say I am so HAPPY to see everyone’s responses in favor of the mom and children!!!

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“Unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance” always remember that when dealing with toxic and dysfunctional people - family or not

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If she has a negative effect on your mental health and apparently that of the other family members, bear in mind that she will speak to your children in a similar manner as well.

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Its okay to set boundaries and to cut people off if they don’t respect them. “My kids would love a relationship with you, but it makes my family uncomfortable when you speak about xxxx, so if you’d like to have a continued relationship with us, things need to change. If you can’t respect those requests, then we need a break and can reevaluate our relationship if you decide to reach out in the future”

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Sometimes kid’s just don’t want to go somewhere it’s ok

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I would most definitely stay away from her. Sorry to say but she seems VERY TOXIC. And not a good example for your children to be around.

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Your husband should communicate that with his grandma-be honest the truth may make her re evaluate her behavior

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You can’t, really. And honestly, you shouldn’t. If she treats all the adults around her this badly, I guarantee she treats the children poorly too. If she negatively impacts YOUR mental health, how do you think she impacts the mental health of your children?

They don’t want to go over there for a reason. You should stop trying to include her in your children’s lives - she’s not entitled to time with them just because they are children, they are still human beings and deserve to be treated well. You should stop trying to call and text. You should go low contact at the very least, if not no contact.

It’s your job as a parent to protect your children, even if it’s from family.

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Ugh this sounds just like my aunt. Nobody in the family talked to her but my dad and i. Shes mean spirited, vindictive, and loves to insult you unless she needs something from you. Shes getting really old and my dad and i were trying tohelp her out everything was all fine and dandy until she didnt need us anymore then she drug our names through the mud to anybody who would listen she even called the cops on my dad making false accusations and loved to tell mehowmuch weight i gained whenever she got the chance. Eventually I just said fuck it and stopped all contact you have to do what’s best for you and your kids if she gets mad oh well she brought it on herself.

Truly I would not let her in my kids’ lives. If she says those things about YOUR body, she’ll start to make comments about your kids to their faces. Do not let your children go through that. If you already can barely tolerate her, I wouldn’t allow my children to be around that. Good luck family drama sucks no matter the outcome.

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I know you feel an obligation to spend time with her because she’s been ostracized by the rest of the family. Kudos to you for trying but the fact is there appears to be a legitimate reason she’s not included. If she’s half as toxic as you’ve indicated it would be difficult to spend even 5 minutes with her. Your only option is to have a respectful talk with her. Be frank (not accusatory) and tell her if she wants to spend time with y’all then there are boundaries that can’t be crossed. Those boundaries include insulting you. You don’t have to (and won’t) take her abuse. If she refuses to accommodate your requests then tell her it won’t be possible to visit her. It really is that simple. She has a choice to make and the ball is in her court. As for your kids, it’s summer and understandable that they wanted to go swimming. Good luck and STAND YOUR GROUND. Don’t allow yourself to be abused!! If she continues to refuse to talk to you then let it go for a while and try again later.

You can’t, she’s toxic.

Simple Don’t… Block her on everything.

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There’s really only three choices here.

  1. Put up with being held to emotional blackmail.
  2. Bolster up your boundaries and expectations and let them be known so youre facilitating a healthier environment and example for your kids (whether you call her out directly or use I feel statements if that’s a better approach for her personality).
  3. Walk away if theres no ability to improve this situation and protect your kids from the behaviours and attitudes you don’t want them to have to deal with.
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You don’t have to allow toxic people in your or your children’s lives. Nothing says grandparents must be included. Her behavior is crap and if she can’t be kind and focus on the kids then there’s no need for her to be there.

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I’d just tell her straight up that the way she behaves is inappropriate. Tell her body shaming is disrespectful and rude. Tell her that constantly complaining about ppls homes is disrespectful. You just need to tell her how rude an disrespectful she is to everyone and point out to her all the things that she says an does that is rude an disrespectful to others. She will never see it unless you point it out to her and tell her that that’s why your kids and other family members don’t want to come around bc she is always being rude an disrespectful about something.

I wouldn’t.

But if you feel like you can’t cut her off just yet - that’s understandably tough, I cut off my entire family and moved states away - shut her down every time.

Just be like “I’m not willing to…” and keep it pushing.
“I’m not willing to discuss my body with you”.

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My grandma was the same but now that she’s gone I miss her soo much and I wish I never would’ve distanced myself :relieved:

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She sounds like she’s very angry and bitter about something. Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do about it. She’s become toxic and is not good for you or the children to be around. Call her if you feel you must, but don’t expose the children to that nonsense and hang up if she starts it while you’re on the phone.

There’s nothing wrong with creating distance. Maybe visit for a little while with her, continue to make the conversations positive and nonpersonal and once it starts to turn aggressive or negative nicely say its time to go.

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Honestly she sounds like someone I wouldn’t want in my children’s lives. It sounds like she would create self esteem issues.

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Maybe she is just lonely and out of touch. I know the elderly can seem toxic and hold onto outdated beliefs. But I bet she needs love and inclusion. Perhaps some friends her age. I’m sure she wants to see the kids. Just lay and stick to some ground rules! No talk of personal stuff…like don’t just cut her off from all the family stuff. Invite her to your home. Or out to lunch or to the park to watch the kids with you. No one wants to lose their family. And the kids will lose a grand parent over adults not getting along…maybe show her the brighter side of family…

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Don’t they don’t wanna go for a reason

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Don’t. She seems awful. Do you want your kids exposed to that BS? Talk about bad parenting - forcing them to tolerate her and her issues/negativity is just that.

Oh a great grand parent yeah they can be hard to deal with. Well, I’m sure not many visit. And she may just want news so to speak. Don’t be hard on her. She is upset because she wants to see her great grands. Tell the kids she is old and won’t be around forever. They can swim next weekend. Have her tell them stories about their dad, great way to bond! How does your husband feel about you not taking them? It’s his grandma.

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If the kids dont like her and don’t want to go then DONT MAKE THEM . Tell her they wanted to go somewhere else . Until then they’ll see her at the next function. She might be old and grumpy but love kids . She’ll get tired of peopl and end up old and lonely or change her ways

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Be the adult… tell her the truth.

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I would set some boundaries with her and let her know that if she continues to behave badly, you will not be visiting her.

We went through this and we just cut out my fiancé s mother from our lives completely. Too toxic. We don’t need that shit and either does our son. Do what’s best for you and your family and stand your ground. Good Job momma.

She sounds lovely. Quit trying. It’s not your responsibility. Move along and be happy. If she comes around, great. If not, no worries.

Best advice
Don’t put up with it
Your kids don’t want to go
End of story
She can suck it up
(I’m a Nan)

Jesus are we related? You’ve described my mother to a t

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She’s old as shit, lonely and miserable
She made her bed
Now she has to sleep in it

Set a day to go visit and just try to tolerate it. Get her talking about herself. People love to talk about themselves lol If she brings up other family members only talk about the good stuff going on in their lives. If she just wants to talk shit, push it away from family and on to celebrities. Everyone has a celebrity they don’t like. Keep your attitude cheerful and light. It’s only a visit and she’s probably lonely.

Simple. You don’t include her. Your kids don’t want to be around her. Get a clue. She treats you horribly and it isn’t good for your kids to see this. Keep her at arms length.

You can’t … Simple, if she can’t be respectful then she is the only one to blame

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Umm you don’t? People like that do not deserve to be included. It’s toxic for your children to even see her talking to you in that way. I’m sure she talks to them in the same manner and that is the reason they chose to avoid her. I never ever force my children to be around people they do not want to be around. I make sure they feel comfortable with everyone and if there’s a problem I end it. I’m going through a similar situation but worse right now and I make sure my children know how toxic this person is. I don’t lie or sugarcoat anything with them when it comes to stuff like this. I make sure they know exactly who people are and how evil some family members are. I do this so that they do not get hurt later down the road when they find out for themselves how evil some of their family members are. I have cut people out of our lives for years. I made the mistake of thinking some had changed and let them back in. I’m paying for that mistake now. Don’t put them in the same uncomfortable and demeaning position that you’re in now. Cut her out before she starts to affect their mental health.

A better question is Why would you strive to include a toxic person in your children’s lives? If she wants a relationship with them, she needs to respect you and your boundaries. And to stop complaining if the kids choose a different destination for a day.

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I think that is better for you and your family to stay away from her, do not for your kids to be around someone they clearly doesn’t like

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Why would you want to subject your children to such a horrible person?

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Just don’t. She has no respect for you and no respect for boundaries.

My husband’s mother was just like her ! I wasn’t sad when she died.

Tell her how you feel and move on. Misery loves company

Wow she sounds like one of my aunts. Stay clear. She’s old, bored & gossip is her only entertainment. Don’t let her use you like that.

Don’t include her and tell her why. THEN GOODBYE~~~

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She’ll get over it. Lol

Hey, she’s already made the decision for you; she’s ignored your texts and calls. You don’t need to grovel. Let her work it out for herself. Since it’s your husbands grandmother, have him check on her to make sure she is o.k. Have him take her some flowers.

She sounds toxic that’s why no one has anything to do with her. If everything out of her mouth is negative then why would anyone want to be around that. Tell her your boundaries and that you want a relationship but she can’t pull that shit anymore

See if you & hubs can talk to her doctor about meds management, depression screening, and tell her doc to be on the lookout for anything that could be affecting her behavior. But sounds like this is just her personality, not any recent change in how she acts. Ask her doc to suggest therapy and behavior modification.

Instead of talking to her in person, I suggest you and your husband write her a letter/letters she can read and re-read. Tell her exactly what behavior is causing problems and why. Explain that you are happy to visit if she changes her behavior and that you are willing to attend family counseling with her to work on issues. It’s likely her bitterness stems from childhood issues or past disappointments. Maybe see if her other family members would co-write or co-sign this or a series of letters. Tell her you are suspending visits until she gets help/changes her behavior. Block her on electronic communication and have your family just communicate in physical writing to maintain ties if that helps. Re-reading words before you send them can often clarify problems and solutions, and removes some of the lashing out & triggered reactions of more immediate communications.

Does she have any interests/hobbies? See if you can get organizations and clubs to reach out to her to get her involved so she has something to talk about vs. malicious gossip and stewing in her own juices. Maybe a church/religious/spiritual activity, maybe dog/cat fostering, little theater (especially if she’s a drama queen), a choir or singing group, maybe a knitting/needlework/sewing/chess/book club where people get together on a regular basis. Depending on her age & if she’s retired, a physical activity—walking group, gentle yoga or dance classes, martial arts, water aerobics, Rec Center “Silver Sneakers” programs, or stream clean up, marching/walking for a cause, competitive Fitbit activity—whatever her physical capabilities will allow. Bonus is exercise helps mood & body image & overall health.

See if she’ll take a class and learn something—anything—new: a language; gardening; computer use; history of art, an era, a country, a music genre; skydiving, metalsmithing, sculpting, cooking/baking, painting, whatever.

Or get her involved in an organization/cause about which she feels strongly, like a political or social issue if it’s beneficial (not like white supremacy or a multi-level marketing scheme :anguished:), stream clean up, neighborhood watch, volunteering.

She sounds joyless and friendless. Maybe get her to reconnect with old friends and do some traveling with them or a tour group (not y’all though). How about a school/organization reunion planning group. Does she have a talent/ability where she could mentor, teach or coach others? Is she divorced/widowed? Maybe sign her up for a dating/matching service after lots of talks about safety.

Lastly, offer to see her at activities where she can’t talk so much—a water park, bowling, a movie, easy indoor rock climbing, trampoline park, swimming, concerts, plays—any performance. Or Chuck E. Cheese or Dave & Buster’s if your kids are that age—my experience is you can’t hear yourself think, much less hear anyone talking while there.

Always drive separately so if she starts acting up you can just say, “we’ve been over this and we’re leaving now,” then do so.

Good luck!

Stay away from the drama she is doing to you. Tell her the truth and she will leave you alone. I know how you feel and I had to put my big girl panties on. You do the same sweetie.:two_hearts: :butterfly:

Get rid of the negativity!!
Cut the old winch out!
Sorry, not sorry…

No she won’t get over it shame on your kids for not wanting to go it’s grandma I loved going to my grandma’s n paps house they t old they need u now just like u needed them when u was little amen

It’s your husband’s job to deal with this. I’m curious why he hasn’t.

Walk away and stay away :heart: just let your kids video call then you can’t be accused of using them as weapons.

She sounds toxic! Tell her how you feel and dint let her turn it around and make it look like it’s all you.that would make her a toxic narcissist!

It’s is ok to cut toxic people out of your life. She is the one with the problem, not you.

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