Anonymous, please!! I just want honest feedback because I’m made out to be selfish from my in-laws. Long story short. My husband and I have one child 19; we also have a child who is 4. While our daughter is in college in another state, it’s just the three of us. My youngest was adopted at birth because we were not able to conceive, so he was a huge blessing after many failed fertility attempts. My husband’s mother is a very selfish lady, disguised in sheep’s clothing. She had other children but is obsessed with my husband. She puts our children last all the time if they’ve even thought about it at all. She has used my husband financially all of our marriage. She became ill around two years ago. My husband stays with her more than myself and my children. I want him to help his mother but not as much time as he’s spending away from our youngest. He’s missed so many important things because of his demanding mother. He even missed Christmas Eve and Christmas away from my children. She doesn’t even live an hour away. It’s like she gets a thrill of seeing how much he’ll pick herself over my kids and myself. I’ve come to the point that I’ve been patient and put last to the point that I’m filing for divorce. I don’t care how he treats me anymore; there are no more tears. But my children deserve better. Please give me advice.
If he wanted to be there he’d make the time…he’s physically and emotionally gone. You can move on and still have a great life.
His mom is sick? What if it were your mom? Maybe you can get involved in her care. Help him, spend holidays there instead. You said she only lives an hour away. Who’s being selfish here?
divorce isnt going to make him treat the children any better.
You now have a son, remind yourself that on your last years in life would you not want your children to see you through to the end? I mean of course your husband should be making sacrifices on both parts to spend time with his mother and his family. If she’s really ill and may not have much time left maybe pick up dinner and head over with the kids. Maybe put in the extra effort whether you like her or not if you love your husband maybe put him first in his time of need loosing a parent is extremely difficult. I think he may just want his mom to know she’s not alone I know I’d want the same treatment if it were my son.
Don’t worry she won’t live forever…
A judge will tell him that his mother is not his priority. His kids r. Tell him about how u feel. Put mom in a home she’s a bitchhh
You can’t make someone care. You can’t force someone to be there for their children. If you’ve expressed all of this to him and he still doesn’t care, then you need to move on. As far as your kids… be honest with the older one without talking shit because that will only push her away. And with the youngest just pay close attention and when the time comes to talk about it you do the same. But it’s important you don’t shame the other parent. As hard as it may be sometimes!
Schedule a time for a weekly visit for the three of you to visit mom. Your husband should have NO alone time with her. That will cure her!
You’ve already made your decision.
Are you just looking for validation?
My daughters mother was like that… unfortunately it didnt stop till she passed away… guilt is a horrible chain
Mommies boy. Good luck on that. You will not win him over so live with it. If your husband ALLOWS her in the marriage bed you are just his maid he can have sex with…dont take it personal!!!
How exactly is she selfish?
You’re children deserve better. File. Things won’t change till she’s dead sadly.
Offer to move mother in law in.
It’s your husbands choice to be over there. She’s not forcing him to do anything. Sounds like he doesn’t want to be at home. Maybe the MIL isn’t the issue. Maybe there’s other things you need to look at in your marriage. Sounds like he’s using his mom as an escape.
Sounds like he’s married to his mom
Is there just one writer that makes up these scenarios??? They are childish and some sound silly. Sounds like juveniles posting these posts.
Do what you feel you deserve honestly and safe
IDK just rotten to be selfish
That’s funny I almost have the same problem
Time for her to be in a home if she needs that much help. I bet once that is thrown out there she will be in full recovery.
You’re doing the RIGHT thing. He has made his feelings clear and so has she 🤷
If y’all have been together that long n he still hasn’t cut the umbilical cord from his mother then he NEVER will. She’ll always be more important than you n your kids. Period. He’s obviously already made his choice. You can’t make someone care, you can’t make someone treat you n your kids the way y’all deserve to be treated. He could realize what he had when he loses it but it’s doubtful since he seems to already be disconnected from his family (Meaning You n your kids) n has chosen his mom over y’all countless times. I’d say cut your losses n move on. Life’s too short to be second to anyone or anything when someone else out there will give you n your kids the world n make sure y’all are number one. Good luck.
Divorce or Move in with MIL …wanna see him more? Move in on weekends or full on move in and tell him you can help take care of her! Bet she gets better real fast…no warning, just pack a bag and go! Now if you’re set on divorce, then do it and don’t look back, MIL WINS…me, I’d rather give her a taste of her own medicine…burnt food, cold food, little things to let her know I AM IN CHARGE (only when the hubby isn’t around) Her word against yours. Sit with her while she eats (with ear plugs in) talk non stop about the kids while making sure she gulps down that nasty food and she can’t interrupt if you don’t hear her. When she claims uncle…tell her the new rules or you will be back. It’s either get along and the other kids help her also OR you make her life hell in little ways …load of whites with a red or blue shirt…as I said, little things that look like accidents but harm no one. just piss them off. Bet she calls her other kids more in the future also! GOOD LUCK
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
In the vows it says foresaking all others…it’s time for his mother to back off and he shouldn’t be helping her financially. Your husband has a family to support. Are you okay with being a single mother? If you’re okay with a divorce why don’t you just coexist with your husband and not get a divorce? Let him go to his mother’s if he wants to and you do you. Just be happy on your own. Being a single parent is tough.
If I were you, I will give him a dose from his own medicine. I will book a travel with my 2 children, inform him the day before to just let him know we are going to an adventure and post updates on social media. I will organize a family pictorial with my children without him of course. I will organize a house party without inviting him. It’s petty, I know. But before I get a divorce I will make sure to establish myself with my children that I am the only one that will never choose anyone over them.
If your husband is human enough, he will question you on your activities. And that you can say, “I don’t think you’re interested in joining us since your Mother is very sick and needs you 100% of your time.”
My ex was like that it all changed when she died.
Life is short, children grow up. Do what makes you and your son happy. Find your happy place. Good luck!
He is JUST like his mother! He learned it from her! Cut them both loose! Make you and your kids the family you all deserve. Best revenge is to be happy.
She has other children to help her put &hire a caretaker! He’s needed at home too!
If she’s sick whats the problem? If my husband was mad i was spending time and helping my SICK MOTHER Id happily sign the divorce papers. You could always go and spend time with your in-laws, too. Sounds like you are selfish and jealous!
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. It’s up to him to set and maintain boundaries. The only thing you can do is decide how much more you can tolerate, and what you do from there.
I’m not saying that what she is doing is right, but you do need to understand that she is his mother so he does feel an obligation to her. My guess is that the reason she is obsessed with your husband is because he is the only one of her children who allows her to have this much control. If she needs that much help, why not suggest that she move closer to you or she go into assisted living?
Sounds like the problem is between you and your husband- not between you and his mom. Ask yourself why he’s choosing her over you and the kid at home? Resentment? Guilt?
Start going with him to help his mum each and every time so you are all still together…and I bet she soon won’t need as much help…
If my mother was sick and needed me I’d be there with her too. Of course I would go home and spend time with my family too though. I’m a little confused to why you couldn’t bring the kids over there for Christmas though and had Christmas all together? I agree with one of the ladies above that said you don’t have a mother in law problem… your husband needs to set boundaries and be there for you and the kids too. Be honest and open with him if you haven’t already. He may think it’s no big deal and that you understand him being there for his mother.
It honestly sounds like a husband problem more than a mother in law problem. If your husband was in the right mind space and actually dedicated to HIS own family, then it wouldn’t even be a question to put you and your guys children first. If he had proper boundaries, she couldnt force him to do anything hes doing currently.
Have you talked to your husband about this? Sounds like a communication issue is present.
Let him know its your mom or your family plan and simple.
Sounds like the mother-in-law is selfish sounds like the husband has no balls to tell his mom he needs to spend time with his family he needs to find a happy medium and if it pisses Mom off so what she had her time she has to understand he has a family
I would tell him to choose you or his mother he couldn’t have both because that’s bullshit or if he couldn’t stay with his family more than I would leave
Husband problem not in law problem. There should never be a demand her or us choice, there does need to be some expectations set.
Sit down communicate those, even if you have to do it through counseling.
If he is not willing to do it…you have your answer u need
Sounds like he is a mommys boy. You need a man. He obviously has different priorities. Divorce is not a bad idea.
This is a you and your husband problem gal. I have 0, I mean 0 to do with my MIL–she’s a control freak(narcissist) he put up the boundries and by God she follows them. There are no more problems at home
When she calls him to go, pack up your stuff and go with him. If she really doesn’t want you there she’ll stop calling him
Tell him he needs to better manage his time, and then instead of making him go to take care of his sick mother, you go while he stays with the 4 year old. She will either stop asking for help, show herself for the manipulator you think she is by telling you that she only wants his help, or she will accept it (however unhappily) because in the end she really does need help. But I think the REAL issue is that he married his mother, and you don’t like her for the same reasons she don’t like you, and you both need to get tf over yourselves for his sake. But that’s just my undereducated opinion on this subject.
He is a MOMMAS BOY. My mother in law tried that too, i feel you on this one
Have you talked to him about this? About how hes always away from the kids?! Smh I’d try counseling first and if that didnt work I’d be gone.
Can you move his mother into your house or closer?
Are you positive it’s his mother he is with? It seems very extreme for him to miss all of that time with you and the kids,you need to further investigate that
You should have talked to him about it. My MIL was extremely ill just about her whole life. My husband and I-before we were married-would drop everything if she needed things or help. Not just him. Relationships are a commitment you work through or you don’t. She was family to me the moment we met each other and that never changed. If leaving is better for your family, then move on and keep it civil.
My honest feedback is maybe before divorce maybe you could offer her to stay with you guys
He needs to prioritize his family that you two created together. If he can’t do that, then he isn’t the one.
I would talk to him and see what he says if its not what is best for the kids then I would be gone
He’s a dam Mama’s boy …he married the wife not the mom…and ifnhe has siblings they need to help or her sisters and brothers too …she can’t be that sick if she’s causing problems …
I would honestly just go with him. If she doesn’t want you there, she’ll stop calling him. Your child can come with you, you three make it a family outing to go to grandmas. She’ll understand that you aren’t going anywhere and maybe back off a little bit.
Boundaries should have been set from day one, even when dating, but more importantly now marriage, a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two become one flesh, I believe that strongly you come after God, but definitely before the in laws and children and once that is out of order, chaos can come in many forms. I’m sorry to hear divorce is now the solution, it’s a real problem if the effort isn’t coming from both of you for change, but he would have to choose you in order for you to also choose him, I think that a team effort in caring for the mother would also be the natural role you would take on if you were feeling loved by your husband properly and he was getting the respect from you this wouldn’t be an issue of caring for her in sickness…the marriage already had issues to begin with, will he consider counseling ?
Shes sick & likely lonely. Like it or not she has a longer history with your husband than anyone else. He’s in a rough spot. You all deserve to have him with you. But he can’t be everything to everybody. If she’s not too sick to travel maybe you could invite her over or better yet lend a hand in helping her as well.
Seems a little too much to miss such important things because he’s helping his “mother”. I’d look into it, maybe it’s not really her and he uses her as an excuse . On the other hand if it is her I wouldn’t move her into your home lol. If it’s like this now imagine her living there. Find out what’s really going on, talk to him about it , and if that doesn’t work I would leave him. Life is too short to be unhappy, especially your kids .
I think it’s something you have to bring up to him and if you are still interested in having a marriage bring it up fast it looks like you already made your decision
I am assume you have talked to him about this. He obviously needs time with his family but that’s a decision he has to make. If he’s not willing to make that decision I guess you do what you have to do.
This is a situation where you talk to him. I respect taking care of a parent. The family you come from is important but the family you make comes first, period. Tell him you no longer want a “long distance” relationship. That you need a husband. Please dont waste anymore of your precious time. There are men out there who will wildly love and pay attention to you. If he wants to spend all of his time with his mom so be it. That doesnt mean you have to put up with it. If you cant find a compromise then you owe it to yourself to live a happy life without him. One compromise might be that when he leaves you and your daughter go with him!! If she needs his help that bad she won’t mind you guys tagging along also that eliminates the possibility that he’s lying and having an affair and using his mother as an excuse. Its a win win. You get time together as a family and he gets to help mom.
My best advice is to go on Reddit and post this to r/justnomil as they tend to give really great advice about this.
If she has other children and not just your husband then I would mention to him he has siblings and as long as your husband keeps pulling the weight the others won’t help. If he feels guilty about it then tell him that you need him home more and if she needs that much care to find a in home worker to help, and I really would be questioning Xmas eve and Xmas day cause I wouldn’t leave my own family the whole time to be with my parent(s) if he’s afraid of her physical health then he needs to find help for her and step back. If he is unwilling then make a choice to walk away.
Pack up and go with him on Holidays.
Definitely a problem with your husband not setting boundaries. It’s nice to have a man who cares about his mother but it does seem almost inappropriate the degree he is going over you and his children. Maybe counselling so you can feel comfortable talking about it to his face if you haven’t already…
you said ‘my’ children. I thought the children were both our yours ??? Now as for divorcing him, that will & has to be your choice & your choice alone. We are not there, you are!!! And if you are unhappy & not loved, then do what is needed to make yourself happy
Jealous much? Just go with him. Maybe she doesnt like you and your kids?
Start suggesting she co es to your house she will quite
You have put up with it this long why do you think it will chang. Maybe your husband is uding his mother for an excusr to be away. Think about it znd find out what the real truth is and then deal with it.
Leave that boy and find a man
Tell it to him straight out,and if he doesn’t change pack his stuff and send him back to his mommy.Then fins a man,not a momma’s baby boy.
Eh, I’d leave him. Mama’s boy that are too into their mom without their family aren’t worth it
Does he feel guilty about leaving all the time to care for his mom? For not being around? His priorities are definitely out of whack! You should be his first priority, followed by the kids, then his job. Everything else falls somewhere down the list.
Personally if talking to him about it don’t work I would be long gone.
My mil was the same way, however my husband set boundaries with her very early in our relationship and he helped out with her when he could but always made our child and myself his first priority.
Have you tried counseling instead of just filing for divorce? To punish him for not being there you are taking the kids away more
Wow. You’re sour because hes choosing his mother? Shame on you. I hope you dont raise your son to choose his wife over your ill ass. You’ll be sorry.
Mama’s boy. I dated a guy like that and he broke a lot of plans with me to do yard work and stupid shit like that for her. He probably will never change. Things will only get worse as she gets older. You need to leave him.
How will divorce make him be more present?
Let him have mommy you make a new life and enjoy your kids maybe find a true friend
My son puts his wife first as I taught him. I totally understand that I am second. If I need help he will come when he can. Emergency he would for sure. Husband going over board here. I will say it was my son and I since he was 3. We are very close. But his wife comes first.