I have in-laws who always seem to exclude me or go behind my back when at all possible. I have discussed this with my husband, and he has told them how I’d felt a couple of times in the past. It’s never really changed much, and I’ve learned to live with it as long as they aren’t blatantly disrespectful to my face. The way I see it is if they want to have ugly hearts behind closed doors, that’s on them and not my problem. So today, I was on Snapchat on my hub’s phone (I don’t have a snap, so I’ll use his for the filters sometimes), and a message comes through from his sister saying oh, I was gonna facetime the kids but nvm. I didn’t think anything of it, but when I went to swipe the notification away, I opened it instead and saw my name. So basically, she asked if my husband was at home with our two kids and if I was at work. He replied yes that he was at home and that I had just gotten home from work, why? To which she replied the message (stated above) that I had accidentally opened. There have been other similar conversations in the past like this one, and I’m mad because they always make me feel like some sort of outsider, but above that, I feel hurt by my husband because I feel like he doesn’t stand up for me and it shouldn’t be my place to say anything to them. However, I’m really ready to just explode on these people. I constantly bite my tongue, and it’s like a poison slowly spreading. Am I reading too far into this because of the built-up animosity I have, or is there reason to feel hurt by her comment? Also, what would you all do if your husband has already talked to them, but things just don’t seem to change?
You aren’t crazy for feeling the way you feel. You have a right to because they are wrong and that is blatantly disrespectful to ask and it is disrespectful for him to continue to allow it also.
Were they like this before you married him?
Confront them yourself just ask straight up what their problem Is with you
Weirdos stay away all together
Personally I look at things as, if your a couple your classed as 1 so if they can’t accept you they shouldn’t accept him, you should be treated equally as your married your part of the family, if your husband is allowing it and don’t say anything I would make a point of making it known to them your not okay with it 
It sounds like they just don’t like you.
Do they have any reason to dislike you?
Maybe text his sister yourself, explain that you saw the message, & ask what the problem is.
I would move on if he can’t stand up for u may be u need a better mate
I would say something to all of them, even if your husband’s already told them how you feel… You should confront them and tell them yourself!! Atleast they’ll get the point of how your feeling. I would want to know what there problem is with me and if there’s anything we can do to fix the relationship.
It won’t ever change. My husband has never given me my place when it comes to his family. Almost 15 years married and I am 2nd class.
That passive aggressive type of behavior is not good for you or your health. I know b/c I’m in the exact same boat and react the exact same way.
But now I confront the shit they say…or dont say. I pick my battles b/c not all battles are worth fighting for
Whatever you do, please dont let thier toxic attitude take up anymore of your energy than it already has.
You need to confront them your self and I would do it when there all around even your husband. You said your husband has already said something, nothings change now it’s your turn.
I would cut them out of my life. If you cant respect me then you dont get to be apart of my family.
It’s your husbands job to stand up for you against his family. But if I were you I’d wait for a quiet family gathering at home, send the kids to a play room and bring it all up to their faces. Put them on the spot and demand answers.
I can understand this. My parents exclude my fiance even after I have told them how he feels about it. I now have boundaries that I put in place that it’s either all of us or none of us. We are a family and will be treated as such. If they don’t like it, then cutting them off is what will happen. I’m not afraid to cut them off because of their immaturity.
Let your husband grow up… men take longer to mature. Let them all stay ugly and you stay sweet. He’ll see soon enough
I can’t relate, but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to bring it up in person and talk it through rationally just to get peace of mind.
Maybe they don’t like you. Guess what…they don’t have to. 
Raise your kid(s), love your husband & live your life. #clearlytheyrenotchanging
I don’t think it will ever change. If he’s not standing up for you and the sister is comfortable sending him messages like that , he’s probably enabling it or part of the problem too. He might even be fuelling the fire behind your back when he’s with them.
Either tell you husband to stand up for you or you’re going to stand up for yourself.
I would first speak to my husband and just tell him that the next time this happens either he address it and stop it or you will. Tell them how you feel, ask what you did to bring this on and if it continues than they are no longer welcome in your lives because you cant allow the toxicity they bring
Screw that. He needs to put a foot down
He should have stood up for you. Each and every time.
I deal with this too, my husbands family is a joke, they do this sort of stuff constantly. My husband has been nasty to them many times, but still will act like the sun shines out their ass, drives me insane. I kill them with kindness though, I look at it as, they act like children, they know I know everything that’s said and I am a bigger/better person then they are.
If I didn’t know better I would think I wrote this. This is exactly how it is with my in laws.
I would have hubby invite them over for a sit down. We would air that shit out and shut it down.
For their Auntie not to feel comfortable enough to facetime the kids with you there id like to hear the other side of this story.
Not to be mean but it seems like they don’t like you for some reason. Your husband should be honest with you as to why if he knows and he really should nip it in the bud and stand up for you.
Your husband should have your back and stand tightly right by your side. How can he stand what they constantly say about you? I don’t understand his thinking on all of this. You definitely have a right to be upset- extremely upset.
Nope. I’d be pissed. Without my uterus their wouldn’t be kids to FaceTime so include me or miss my kids with that petty bullshit. Two can play that game. My husband has had to defend me with some family members in the past and he had my back 100%, as it should be, he said treat her right or you get cut off from OUR kids, is that what you want? And his family got the message. Hands down unacceptable imo
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He’s basically allowing it to happen by those messages. I’d tell him he has to grow a back bone and stick up for you. You’re his wife and his family and you should come first. Say if you don’t I will and it probably won’t be too pretty.
Pull a Harry and Meghan…get your own life
Tell your husband to fucking grow a pair, you married him NOT his family. Until he does let him know that you and the children will not be a part of their spineless little games. End Of…
I fought back with kindness. Didn’t see them very much though. My husband’s sister was very nice to me though. Just ignore them and stay away from them as much as possible. Don’t rely on your husband. Sad but I have been there.
My in laws try that stuff with my husband little do they know my husband tells me everything we have always been honest they try to talk to my husband about me or about big decisions but he still comes talk to me first about it he’s told them to stop that I’m a big part of the family’s decisions also if my in laws talk crap or say something my husband tells me and I’m strait forward and ask them in person what they said they have finally realized my husband will tell me so they don’t do it as much anymore
So my sister in law doesn’t call often and makes all plans with my husband for our kids and honestly it’s his sister. To me no big deal! She only calls his phone or text him
. That doesn’t bother me at all my brother does the same. I am really also not a fan of his sister but we are respectful and do have laughs together maybe your reading to much into it
As for my mil I talk to her more then my husband does we are super close and I spend two nights a week at her house.
F them. My in laws are not my family, if they don’t want to talk to the kids because you’re home, f them. The in laws who love me, I love, the ones who don’t, f them. My mil wasn’t fond of me for years, as long as they love my kids and didn’t speak bad of me to my children, then I didn’t get involved with their relationship. My mil came to visit recently and stayed for two months! Guess what? She loves me and I love her. I don’t have a son but I could understand why she didn’t like me, we’re different. I was not what she wanted but I’m what she got. I have my own family and didn’t feel the need to have a relationship with with anyone of them, if I didn’t suit them. Now 18 years later, things have changed. F them, until they change and if they don’t change, f them forever!
Your husband should stand up for you, and it’s not likely to happen if already hasn’t. So the next best thing to do is just realize how horrible they are, and let it go. I wouldn’t yell or tell them off, because then they have pushed you into being the person who is “causing” the issues by becoming who they think you are. My son deals with something similar, and it’s what I tell him. Just be you, and if they escalate, then you need to tell your husband to speak up or set sail.
Screw them. Their opinion doesn’t matter- and if they want to be gossipy about you, let them. It’s a reflection of their poor choices, not yours. If this situation is poisoning your marriage with resentment, you seriously need to tell your husband though. It’s his job to tow the line with his own family.
My in laws are litterly the exact same they live off drama and will talk shit as soon as you close the door. Or my mother in law will just talk about you when your in the same room…so childish I feel bad for my fiance all the stuff she puts us through and acts like she’s such a nice person. if you really love him your gonna have to deal with his messed up family .
You should really not care how your in laws treat you. Some our lucky to get good in-laws some are not.
I personally think they (especially if they are not good to you) don’t owe you anything and vice versa. Legally they have a connection to you it doesn’t have to be a emotional one.
I would be mad at my husband though if he ever lets people disrespect me in front of him. He is your family you are his. Any other connection will come second. Have a talk with him about it.
Same but it is what it is. I’m not fond of them either
Next time you use your husband’s phone for snap chat or something else just ask your sister-in-law why she doesn’t like you just don’t tell her it’s you
If they are toxic to you then they are toxic to your children, cut them off until you feel comfortable that ur wishes are being heard and respected only god knows what goes on behind closed doors, your husband needs to choose what side he is on
I’m sorry, I had lived this life and was always told he handled it and to his credit he thought he had. NOTHING will change until you do it yourself. My kids don’t see his family unless I am there (and typically in a public place) because they would share their negative (and honestly unprovoked feelings) with my kids.
Ask your husband in a calm & non-angry way WHY they don’t seem to like you/include you, and do not react with anything but calmness (yes, this is hard). If you can’t manage that, ask him to write it down for you & read it away from the house & family somewhere you can blow off steam (walk/run in the park, sit in your car in a remote parking lot where you can scream, crank up music in a locked room & dance it out or punch a pillow, at a gym where you can take swings at a punching bag).
Do you come across as critical or overbearing? Do you complain a lot? Do you react quickly and forcefully? Are you a drama queen or do you have to one-up people? Do you interrupt or talk over people? Do you have a million rules for interacting with the kids?
Or is it different ways of thinking/being: introvert vs. extrovert, circumspect vs. brutally honest, for example? If you knew more about their upbringing, family assumptions and outside experiences it might help you understand their perspectives and interact with them more effectively. Do they hoard things because they were poor or waste things because they were rich? What expectations, suffering or joy affected how they react to others?
Be open to criticism, and remember your goal of getting to better, more satisfying relationships; it’s not just their trying to be mean, it’s their life experiences shaping them.
Self-awareness and a better understanding of others’ differences might help you get along better and be more effective with friends, bosses, co-workers, teachers, coaches, and most importantly, your husband and children! Win-win! Think of it as you 2.0 who will be easier going, happier and more successful in ALL your interactions.
Have hubs quietly and unobtrusively record your interactions when he feels the “undesirable” traits are showing and look at the footage together when you are relaxed. You might not be aware of how you come across if it’s unconscious. I know sometimes I’m horrified at how I behaved/came across after someone pointed something out and I had time to reflect on my behavior. We all have negative traits—we’re human!
But there are ways to help you be more positive, empathetic, less confrontational etc., and if you work on making changes you might find that not only are the people around you happier, but YOU are inherently happier too! Plus as you change, it will change how the people around you react.
Text your in-laws and tell them you’ve noticed they seem to avoid seeing you in person. Ask them what about you makes them want to avoid you or, better yet, what they would like you to change to make it easier for them to get along with you. Texting can strip some emotion from words so you may all be able to avoid coming across as angry or upset. Or write to each other by hand in an old-fashioned snail mail note. This can make it seem kinder and more heartfelt.
Do NOT get mad if/when you get their answers, or at least channel that emotion into physical activity (e.g., go for a walk/run, bike ride, trip to the gym) when you read the note/s. Their emotions and reactions are theirs and they are being honest, and you can’t fault them for that.
Be honest with yourself after looking at the footage and reading the comments. Maybe they have a point! Be willing to try to change & let them know 1-3 specific ways you will try to change your behavior/demeanor now. It might bring them closer to you—even if you fail a lot of the time—if they know you are trying.
Get therapy/counseling to learn to deal with your behavior, emotions and your in laws constructively. It will help tremendously if you make an effort. Invite your husband or individual in laws to come to later sessions if your therapist is good with that.
You will explore the ways you grew up, and if there are better ways of dealing with specific situations than what your family modeled, and also what they taught you that is worth keeping. You will find the positive traits in you that you can use to build on.
You will learn to see things from others’ perspectives, and how to frame things so as not to lose your cool/react negatively. Ultimately you will learn to communicate in peaceful and constructive ways with your in laws to explain things objectively, discuss issues pleasantly with people who have differing communication styles, and reach shared agreement and compromise on what’s important to all of you. Great life skills to have!
When I got angry calls at work, I would create scenarios in my head (reframe) about why they were especially angry: they got rejected for sex this morning, their boss yelled at them, this complaint was the last straw in a very frustrating day, they got splashed with mud at the bus stop & have been embarrassed all day). It helped me not take things personally. Usually when people are ugly to you it reflects 90% how they are feeling about THEMSELVES and 10% about how they feel about YOU.
These are great skills to have in life, and can make you a great leader, super wife & positive role model for your children and others! Win-win!
Once you have developed the skills to better interact with the in-laws, who come with their own learned behavior and viewpoints based on their upbringing, personalities and life experiences, you will be able to ask them to make small, very specific changes to their behavior too.
You may also want to add meditation, yoga, tai chi, a martial art or other mind-calming and focusing practice to your life to help you cope. And it’s a PRACTICE. It takes time and effort and repetition for it to work; your goal is to get better, NOT achieve perfection.
Good luck! I hope you find joy, peace and love on your life journey. 
I’d just calmly ask hubby what you could have possibly done to be treated like that. Don’t feel rejected, just be concerened. For example: “_____ what could I have done to be treated like I’m not accepted? It hurts but if I did something, I’d like to make it right. I’d like us all to be a family and get along but if that’s not possible, that’s ok, I just don’t understand.” Or something. If he doesn’t know, tell him you’re gonna find out yourself, respectfully of course. If you feel your hubby needs to keep addressing it and forcing it, do you really want that? Talk to him, then invite them for coffee or something and ask. If they refuse or stand you up, text. If they continue to ignore, fuck em, at least you tried. Good luck.
Fuck them…who cares what they think…facts are that you ARE an outsider…a piece of paper dont make you NOT an outsider…their acceptance and love for you makes you not an outsider…but you dont have to beg for that.if they dont like you they dont like you…oh well life goes on.they dont live in your house or pay your bills so fuck em…families aren’t always happy shiny.let em not like you.stop caring.
I feel the same way with some of BF extended family I just don’t feel very welcomed so I just won’t go to event any longer and if my BF wants to go his more then welcome but I’m not going if I don’t feel like it.
You can’t change other people’s behavior, you can only change your reaction to it. If he’s already spoken to them and they haven’t changed, there’s not much else he can do, except completely cut them out of his life, and even if he did and that made them come around…it wouldn’t be genuine. It would only be a behavior that they modified for a while to be able to stay in his life and inevitably would end up easing back into it. He can’t MAKE them do anything. You can’t make them do anything. You can only accept that for whatever reason, they have decided that they don’t think you’re good enough for him and they choose to exclude you and be rude. Decide in your own heart that you tried all you could and nothing changed so you have to move on, emotionally and let them go in your heart.
When your husband married you, he vowed to put YOU before anyone other than God. He should have your back and stand his ground. His family consists of you, him and your children now. I’d be highly upset about this. Stand up for yourself and let them know! And further more make sure your husband backs you up!
I feel sooooo bad for you…been there…toxic back biting inlaws…All my love & prayers…and my deepest heartfelt sympathy…
Just be quiet and allow them to be themselves. When people show you who they are believe them. If you know you haven’t done anything wrong nothing you can do to change people’s opinion about you. Stop putting added stress on your husband. When you see them be you and act like you have goid sense. Speak and go on about your business even at family gatherings. Charge your phone and tablet keep yourself busy. They are not worth the trouble.
In my opinion I would not bite my tongue anymore. Obviously you are not going anywhere and they need to know that. I would make lil comments to them. Ive been in similar situations and I just say how I feel to show I know what they are doing and it doent bother me. As far as your husband his family might be one of those families that it doesnt matter what he says to them it doesnt change on their part. Some families are just like that. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt on that. Im so sorry that you are going thru this.
Ask them to their face and in front of your husband why they have a problem with you and then ask your hubby why he’s not telling you what they are saying
Say goodbye to in-laws your family is your husband and children
Stop biting your tongue and since that was your husband phone and I read it I’d left a nasty comment acourse it would being from ur husband not you lol
Ask them why?be an adult and ask
Leave them alone if they make your life Miserable,your husband don’t have any control of how they act towards you