Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My MIL has dementia, how do we deal with this as a family?
Dementia patients have good days and bad days. Sometimes weâve gotta suck it up and deal with it.
Never fight with them!!!
It is very hard to take care if someone with dementia, never fight with them, always try to put their focus on something else when they start to get aggravated or upset. Be patient
Help them! If not for them do it for the mother. My husband has dementia &itâs a full time job mentally &physically . You are correct âŚgive them help in their home which is her familiar setting.
Someone who saw the opposite side of this and didnât understand why others couldnât help more but now understands hereâs my advice. Tell them that you very much appreciate everything they do for her. It takes wonderful strength to do what there doing. You would like to help more but want to find a way that is comfortable for everyone. Then some suggestions. Such as you continuing to come stay with her at there house. Or bringing her to your home more and more throughout the day and letting her leave as soon as she wants. Trouble is depending on how far sheâs progressed she may never be comfortable at your home and there going to have to understand that. They have dedicated themself to something that canât easily be changed. I donât think youâve done anything wronge at all it just might help to word it were they donât jump on the defensive and actually listen.
If youâve dealt with dementia and Alzheimerâs before then you know it takes a village. Even with you and your husband helping out, your brother and his wife are probably burned out if theyâre the ones sheâs living with. I know first hand this can cause a lot of tension in a family. The rest of you need to sit down and come up with a plan of who does what to help out, in home care, etc or if long term care would be more realistic.
Picture books and visual aids with schedules seemed to help with some people I know! It probably depends on what they have and what stage.
Make her feel safe and just go with the conversation . If she acts like she 's in another world then just go with it . It confuses them more when you donât . Keep them in their familiar surroundings if ya can . I donât know what putting out bombs for bugs even means but just go with the flow and reassure her she will see whoever the next day if she is away from her everyday caregivers . PATIENCE is key with people with dementia .
When I worked in the dementia ward. I did my best to remain calm . In the care home setting it was hard. We had patients who would scream for their family who never visited 
it was heartbreaking. I would do my best to explain to her and have patience and know you will have to be very repetitive. Just remember just like kids they arenât giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. 
get to eye level with them. Help them. Redirect . Ask for their help. Elders love helping and feeling needed.
I donât think youâre wrong at all.
I think that if they want to let Nana with you for weekends, they need to try and normalize the setting for her, they need to be accommodating to HER needs. If they canât do that, if they canât be what she needs, if they canât focus on whatâs best for her, rather than creating chaos for her, she needs to go into a facility. Which is SO hard on them. They look so lost. They feel so lost. And it takes them so long to become comfortable in there. Especially now that routine has to always change because of the pandemic.
Night time is the worse. Itâs call Sundown Syndrome. They become the most disoriented and more hostile. She needs a stable environment with little to no changes. Terrible disease. I lost My Mom, My grandma and my Aunt to it. All.on my maternal side.
Dementia Caregivers Support Group
i would have broke the window n got in n stayed there w her
They stated that they usually stay with her in the home she lives in. It was the others who said their house was being bug bombed and she would have to stay at their house.
Most people who have this can remember the past much easier than the present. So it helps if you can talk about her past. My sister had it at 56 and died two years later.
Iâve been working with people with dementia and Alzheimerâs disease for numerous years. They need a calm, safe environment with not many distractions. Never argue with them. You donât want to trigger behavioral issues. They will need redirection at times. Memory loss is huge. They will forget a lot. You might see them lost in a thought. I saw this first hand by my own grandmother. Believe me, itâs difficult for them. I know it is difficult for you because you are trying to care for her. But when I see a lost, scared face, which used to be filled with happiness and energy, I want to help in some way. Please talk to me if you choose to.
Express you need them to help stay and watch the kids, the dog etc.
When they hear they are needed it helps.
Always stay calm and relaxed and donât act like anything is out of the norm. Treat them like a child as far as explanations go. âYouâre going home soon, letâs go do something theyâd enjoy pre-dementiaâ hold her hand. Talk about old memories from her past. Ask her questions from her past. Ask them to help you with something they can do.
We did alot of marking things for my MIL.
Signs on doors saying what went where. Put numbers on the washing machine so she knew which buttons to press in what order. We amazon primed her snacks and essentials ( she lived in a small, walmart-less townđ)
We didnt live close so we did what we could to make it as easy as we could from where we were and not by her side 100% of the time.
We did take her car keys and she did ask why she couldnt drive but that was just something we had to brush over when she asked. We would tell her its being worked on. Or the battery died ( which eventually was true)
If yoy have any questions yoyre more than welcome to message me.
Not everyone has the mental will power to being around people who suffer from alzeheimers or dementia. I personally wouldnât be able to. I would get very depressed. Not everyone is wired to tolerate the same things. Yes it was only one night I agree. But maybe keep up doing one night a week and she may get used to it a bit. But if your mentally Not capable try one day a week. Some people just canât. My mothers a nurse and deals with people all the timeâŚI personally think they are severally underpaid and I would never be able to do it
Watch a lot of Teepa Snow videos!! I did dementia care for 10 years and those videos are amazzzinnngg for learning about dementia.
We used to bring out photo albums and âreadâ them. If you could create a collection of pictures from her life, going back as far as possible, it might help put her at ease. My dad would look at the pictures and say, âThatâs me!â Put out family pictures with you and the rest of your family in them so they see you all are people they should know.
Treat them as though they are at a resort on vacation so that being in a different environment seems more OK.
Touch them gently and excite their senses. Have them smell, taste, feel and hear familiar things. Have them smell various lotions, perfumes, after shaves, and put some on them. Herbs, flowers, other pleasant aromas. Crush basil, rosemary, lavender between your fingers and hold them up to her nose. Have them taste familiar or favorite foods or cook them together. Bake bread, make meatballs, have her throw prepared ingredients into a soup pot and stir it, for example.
Have them touch the soft fur of pets, soft blankets or sweaters, anything with an interesting texture that wonât be too rough on their skin. Play music from their heyday and dance with them as much as all your abilities allow. Run old TV shows for her that she would remember. Nick at Nite or some channels run old shows, or rent/buy videos or stream old TV shows they used to like, preferably ones with gentle humor vs. crime shows that could give them nightmares. The Andy Griffith or Mayberry shows, Carol Burnett or Red Skelton, Get Smart or The Addams Family, Johnny Carson, the Three Stooges, Laurel & Hardy, the Marx Brothers are all good choices, for example.
Gently massage their arms, hands, feet or back with lotion, paint their nails, give them a nice shampoo and conditioner massaging their scalp. Let them feel the hot water, smell the shampoo, touch the towel, tell them what is going to happen before and while youâre doing it. You can even foster kittens if you can manage that, as their antics are amusing and they may like being petted and cuddled (or notâwatch those little needle like claws.
Do familiar things you did with them when you were a child: bake cookies, read books they read to/with you as a child, walk the dog. Work puzzlesâget them for whatever age is appropriate for their cognitive abilities down to the ones with handles on giant pieces. Color in coloring books, do craft projects geared for their abilities. Dollar stores and grocery stores often have little inexpensive arts and crafts projects you can get.
Play jacks or tic-tac-toe, pick up sticks or marbles, play with paper dolls or dress and re-dress fashion dolls, Colorforms or Mr./Mrs. Potato Head. Get wooden trains and tracks at thrift stores or Tinker Toys, Lincoln Logs or Pla-Doh and molds or whatever simple games from childhood they might remember. Checkers or simple crossword puzzles could be good or could confound or frustrate them. Always err on the side of easier.
Take them to nostalgia concerts with tribute bands, showings of old movies; often outdoor summer programs show film classics, like a sing-along Sound of Music for example. Documentary shows & movies about famous people they remember are also good choices.
Take her to restaurants, bonus if theyâre familiar or feature her favorite foods. She knows itâs OK to be in an unfamiliar restaurant vs. an unfamiliar house. Take her to county fairs, Go in the water at a public/Rec center pool; often there are ramps or lifts into the water if needed. If swimming is not possible, just walk in the shallow end and toss a beach ball. Go when the pool is more likely to have fewer patrons and children if possible.
Take ballroom dance classes or âsilver sneakersâ exercise classes together if she is mobile enough, do things to gently wear her out so she will sleep more soundly. I used to take my dementia-addled dad to my modern dance rehearsals and get him something to eat to keep him doubly occupied. He loved watching us practicing dances and hearing what he could of the music (very hard of hearing that declined into near total deafness). He was really thrilled when he came to performances and saw the familiar dances and dancers in costume, with makeup and lighting.
You could take him to your childrenâs sporting practices and games, or other recurring family activities. Be sure you are prepared with other things for them to do (pom poms to cheer with, snacks, simple puzzles where you roll the ball through the maze) or be able to leave if their attention span is too short for the whole thing. Putting snacks in a tub with a lid, like carry-out soup containers, keeps things neater. Put only a little in and refill as needed and you can close them up when theyâve had enough. Dried fruits, grapes, apple slices, nuts, cheese or meat sticks, carrot, celery or zucchini sticks, small crackers like goldfish are all good choices that can be eaten with hands and wonât make a sticky mess.
If she can read, leave her notes about where she is. âYou are at your daughter/son/whoeverâs nameâs house for a visit. Welcome! You will be staying with us for (number of) days.â When my dad was in a nursing home, I would print pages with pictures of things we did recently and put captions to help my dad remember recent events and to alert the nurses of things they could talk to him about.
You can also get pictures of family members and make a poster of the family tree so they can see how you are related.
Spend more time with her so you are a more constant presence in her life. My dad didnât know who I was but saw me regularly as a friendly presence who did fun things with him. Take her on short trips to places she might remember, like a park, garden, zoo, performance venue. Take her on picnics, little day trips to quaint places and walk or wheel her through the downtown, stopping for cookies, ice cream, to browse in bookstores, look in galleries, etc. Nothing too over stimulating if she will get overwhelmed, confused or scared.
If she can drink, a craft brewery, distillery, cidery or winery tour and tasting can be fun. Just be aware of how she and her medications react to alcohol. I was fortunate; my mom would get giddy and giggle. My dad would get a little louder and happy, but also clumsier, so we had to be at his side whenever he got up from his chair. You can always ask servers to water down things.
Go to county fairs or carnivals and play the arcade games and go on gentle rides (bench seats on carousels, âteacupâ style rides, Ferris Wheels).
See her as often as you can so she will see you as a familiar face. Smile and caress her and talk to her soothingly as much as you can. Schedules, repetition and familiarity are your friends.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My MIL has dementia, how do we deal with this as a family?
I work with dementia patients every night. From working in a nursing home to going home and taking care of my grandmother. I normally dont comment in these groups bc people wanna be immature and argue on stuff they dont even know about. But here is a little advice. The next time you keep her, make sure she brings something she likes. Blanket, pillow, house slippers. And if sheâs getting combative bc she wants to leave. Draw her attention to something else. If she loved to clean such as doing laundry. Give her some towels and wash clothes to fold up. Play music of the kinds of music she use to listen to in her younger days. Offer her food or something to drink. Thats usually the key to everything. Occupying their minds on something else instead of wanting to âgo homeâ. I hope this helps you. Because I definitely feel your pain and irritation.
My father had Alzheimerâs and I agree they do need familiar settings . Sit down with each other and come up with a game plan . Check with her medical insurance to see if she can get a home attendant and a dementia nurse to come over the house and help out . Depending on her needs she may qualify for all around care 24/7 . I found that letting them be in their moment also help meaning they are living in the past . My father will call me by my older sisters name so I just rolled with it and in the moments where he was lucid explain what was going on in a way to not upset him. Also hobbies do help even if they are just simple ones. There are some great organizations out there who can also assist and give you guys the tools needed. Also please itâs very important come up with a safety plan patients with dementia often time wonder out the house and public places . I used to have a GPS watch , security system the works .
Your MILs insurance should pay for a dementia nurse to come to the home several times per week to help. Likewise, they should cover a home health aide several times per month, who will do laundry, light housekeeping, run grocery or prescription errands, ect.
Schedule those helpers as much as you can & let them do as much as they will do.
Then make a schedule that works for you & husband of when you can come help for a few hours & times thru the month you can come spend the night so BIL & SIL can get a night or 2 away for their sanity.
Dementia patients need to be kept in a stable environment, where they are comfortable, so going to her is a MUST.
IF itâs too much for everyone to come together to help, consider an assisted living facility where they do most of the care & all of you visit frequently for support.
Sheâs only going to get worse, so you all have to face these questions & schedules quickly. & Do whatâs best for MIL.
Instead of everyone arguing try calling a family meeting and have an open honest conversation. No yelling or finger pointing! I believe everyone loves this lady and wants to do what they can to help. However seems your brother and his wife have had the most responsibility. Also I can understand why they need a break,whether a night at home alone or a night out of town.,and this honestly shouldnât mean letting anyone else stay in their home. I think you all need to have a consultation with her doctors and get suggestions/help with ways to work things out. I feel sure this lady does not want to be a burden on anyone so dont make her feel like one! You all arenât the ones suffering SHE ISâŚthis is your husbandâs momâŚif she has dementia then heâs already lost her to that dont let him lose his physical time with her!
I highly suggest listening to Chalene Johnson podcast! Her FIL has dementia and lives with them
âWeâre in a hotel, Mom. Tomorrow weâre going back.â Repeat.
It is very hard but just keep reassuring her everything is okay and just try you best.
Let the anger goâŚâŚ. Enjoy each other now while you can.
Are you mad because they locked their house, because they were going to be gone for an entire weekend? If youâre gonna help, they deserve a break too. He shouldnât be the only child, taking care of their mother 24/7 and not be able to get away for a weekend even, with his wife. That, can ruin their marriage even. Or end up putting a huge strain on it. You start off asking about helping and supporting the MIL. Then go on, to being upset that they locked their house up? Even if I lived in a neighborhood that I never had to lock up when I left⌠If I was gonna be gone over night, or more then one nightâŚI would still lock it up. Def seems the brother and his wife, have been the main ones taking care of the mother. And when they asked for a little and to get away together⌠You guys found a lot of issues in it. With having her at your place. And then, with them locking their own home, that was going to be left unattended. Either help, or donât help.
If they want you to help out with her, yâall need to come to a mutual understanding about how thatâs to happen. They shouldnât just dump her on you and lock their doors! Not good for anyone in this situation, especially her!!