Swings both ways. Do you visit or have them call?
3 Likes
my grandparents lived on the other side of the country and we never even got a card… I met them 1 time before they died… stop being childish and entitled…
1 Like
You cannot control what people do all you can control is how you react to what they do. It’s clear that you’re hurting and upset but your actions are going to hurt your mother in law, your children, and your husband. You need to deal with how you are feeling And why you are feeling that way. Otherwise at the end of the day you definitely do look like the asshole and you’re probably not feeling so great about it. Step outside of your feelings and see the reality for what it is. She’s making an effort, let her.
Annnnd you won the award for ass**** today. Make the kids suffer because you don’t feel they spend enough time with them. You all moved away. Maybe they don’t know when the best time to contact them. If I were that grandparents instead of gifts I would open a bank account and just put any money that they would have spent on gifts in there. Then when those kiddos are 18 sign over to them so they can get the heck away from you.
Probably not how you expected this post to go but you brought this on yourself.
All the roads run both ways, planes have tickets both ways… so damn tired of people hollering “if you want to be in my kids life you have to ….”
Everyone needs to be trying, everyone needs to make an effort…
Instead of being a jerk about it, send a list, call on the phone, FaceTime. I promise your children will thank you… take care of the relationships that your children have with their people, because everyone needs their people, not just now but all of their lives.
I’d suggest a device with Snapchat, even little children can send pictures and messages… It’s so fun.
4 Likes
You have family wanting to send a gift?! Sheesh I’ve lived far from my family for years and I think they have only physically met 2 of my 4 little ones and rarely call or pick up the phone when we call. Let alone send a gift for holidays/birthdays. I’d be happy with that little effort knowing it’s mainly just the expense of travel keeping us apart.
1 Like
Phones, cars, and planes go two ways, so you can’t put all the blame on them if you aren’t trying to encourage a relationship between them.
How far is too far to just decide to not see your family for years? At least she is making some sort of effort sending gifts or cards.
Your in-laws send your kids gifts ?! Sh** wish I could say the same my ex’s family doesn’t have anything to do with my kids.
So she called you to ask. Sounds like you don’t make an effort its a two way street.
You may race her to the corner, and you may win. That doesn’t mean she’s not running her 100%. Everyone’s 100% is different. If you do insist the gifts stop, you need to tell the kids that you told her not to send gifts. That she wanted to, but you said no because gifts and cards are not enough effort on her part. Does your husband see her on Mother’s Day? Or does he just send a card? Or forget her all together. The road goes in both directions. Have you invited her to your house?
You’re way over reacting, let your kids get their cards
I support your decision. Stand strong mama.
NTA, my husband’s mother and her family live 1k miles away and she has called my son on a regular basis every week (usually more), FaceTimes him, sends him gifts and cards, visits us, and we even meet her half way so he can stay with her once a year. She makes an effort to be in his life and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. You shouldn’t have to force someone to be family to your children.
1 Like
Yes, you are wrong grow up and stop being petty!
1 Like
Let them send gifts the kids didn’t do anything wrong, as they get older and older they will realize who was apart and not a part of their lives but they still should be able to receive a gift from their grandparents
2 Likes
Yeah you are wrong
Let the kids make the choice that gifts are not enough
Have them call and thank them as well
I personally feel you are the asshole… My aunt lives states a way and has never met my kid, but she sends gifts or cards every year, in fact most of my dad’s side has never met my kids and every year a few of them send something. I appreciate the fact that even though we aren’t close they send a gift and show love. I think you shouldn’t measure love based on how you want love. There are many different forms of love and everyone has their own preference. I think you should say thank you that someone took time to show any love at all. And if that’s the response she gets trying to send gifts, I can see why maybe people aren’t involved the way you want them to be. The forms of love are physical, words of affirmation, and gifts. Clearly you like words of affirmation and your mother in law likes gifts. Have you tried asking her to set up a time to talk the kids or something. Have you actually voiced your wants from her or others towards you kids? Or did you just do that and assume others understand you’re expectations?
Ungrateful. Let the kids send cards or letters. Let them develope their own relationship with their grandparents.
I think as a parent it’s your responsibility to keep communication open between family. Your kids will realize when they become teenagers and young adults who needs to be in their life and who does not. Maybe your MIL doesn’t call that often because she knows you live far away and your busy and you have a family. Maybe she doesn’t want to bother you or feels she might be intrusive. You can communicate with her and let her know how you feel and that you want her to be more involved. Telling her not to send gifts to her grandchildren is not right. It may bring her joy to shop for them and send them dome thing and it may be her only way right now of feeling that she has a connection with her grandchildren until you communicate your feelings with her. My aunt has not seen my kids in a very long time and her and I don’t communicate as often as we once did. She still sends them money every Christmas and they are grateful. Not because they got money though, but because their great aunt who they haven’t seen since they were toddlers still thinks of them. I think you should call your MIL and let her know how you feel and also if she can text you, she can also text your children if they have phones. You can also call her and tell her you’ll put your kids on the phone so they can tell grandma what they would like.
Your MIL is not a mind reader and she may not even know how you feel. She may feel like you don’t want her involved at all by calling etc and texting you about what the kids may like for Christmas may be the only way she feels she is able to have that connection.
Yeah you are the a hole. They didn’t have ask or send anything. They want to get a gift and a gift that they would like. What’s wrong with that?
You sound lovely…sorry but you are the one wrong here.
I hate when people say this stuff. Reaching out goes both ways. You are just as guilty as her for not reaching out to her so your kids can talk to her. Which really can be hard to do when you’re long distance and busy. My husband’s parents live far away and we only talk to them once in a while because we are busy on both sides of the spectrum but they always send the kids gifts. I think it’s a nice gesture since they live far away. I don’t see what’s wrong with sending them a gift. I’m sorry I feel like you are in the wrong here.
1 Like
I just read some of the comments here and as a Mother in law and a mother, I try to reach out for my grandchildren and great grandchildren and my children who are all adults and I do not call on the phone because I learn how to use facebook and video chat I try my best but there are at times I am very busy and I do not inpose on my children because they are busy with their own lives but they never forget me and I do not forget them, so I think there are times this can go both ways.
Gross. You are the Ahole! YOU are now taking that “half” and turning it into zero. Your kids can also reach out to family. Also it’s weird talking on the phone with family. I Hated that as a kid who had long distance relatives. I honestly preferred the gifts and the cards lol
absolutely the ahole! so many dont send gifts or cards at least they keep in touch! when they dont send something you will be upset also! Kids are old enough for phone calls? How often do they call their grandparents?? Sad 
Shoot, I wish my children’s family members made an effort to send them gifts. Honestly, YES YOU WERE WRONG.
1 Like
But you’re not hurting her more than your kids…let her, let them know no matter what the distance they thought of them enough to remember to send a gift. It’s not about you. 
when they grow up they can choose to either stay in touch with them or not.
1 Like
Do the kids call them?
As a grandma in the position that I rarely see or talk to my grandchildren, I like to send gifts. If they are not appreciated, I try. I love my grandchildren but not much of a phone talker. Get over yourself.
I have family in another state and didn’t talk much on the phone with them but every year I got a gift and it made the holidays so much better. I looked forward to them. Now I have kids and they continued to send them stuff and they just love getting their cards and gifts.
1 Like
This sounds like a good opportunity to have a non confrontational conversation with your MIL about how you feel. Calmly let her know that while you appreciate the gifts to your child/children, it would be great if they were able to be in touch with their Grandmother more. Perhaps suggest ways that this can be done, and have your child/children reach out to her as well. Have them call her…help the relationship along a bit. If she isn’t receptive to the children and continues the “silence” even after YOU have had the children reach out to her, then you can say that you tried for your children’s sake. Do what is best for your children first.
You can also have the kids contact them too. You’re definitely over doing the whole issue. While i completely understand where you are coming from, do not, I mean do NOT involve the children in this. They have no control over the adults and their emotions or decisions. If they want to send a gift, let them. They obviously WANTED to and thought about the kids. If your kids are old enough to use a phone, they are old enough to notice that even the smallest gesture like a card not being sent is off putting. Let them call when they want. Let them write letters or you help them. I understand 100% your anger and frustration. However, you are aiming your emotions in the wrong direction and that is at your kids whether that is your intent or not. Don’t make them resent things you’ve done like this. Always make sure you give them the choice. My parents always gave me a choice with situations like this. If you feel the children are in any danger at all then by all means do what you feel is best. Just keep in mind that even the smallest changes from people your kids love can be a long term affect. 
keep thinking it over and maybe even speak to the grandparents. Get down to the issues. There is no harm in speaking how you feel like they are treating the kids. It can all be settled by having an adult conversation. I hope this all helps and I hope you figure it out. You’re a good mom so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise for having this concern.
Yea you’re the AH anybody who wouldn’t accept something that benefits their child regardless of the circumstances is selfish.
Why punish the children?
Encourage your children to Call their grandparent’s.please. when you call for their birthday or anniversary or whenever let them add to the joy of the call.
Promises can easily be made but can not be easily fulfilled, This was the first thing that crossed my mind when Dr lago told me that he was going to bring my wife back to me within 15 hours of working day. But i must say how I got the biggest shock of my life when i receive a call from my wife how she started apologizing for leaving me and the kid’s. after so many regret she begged for forgiveness and cried just for me to take her back I did because I still love her. These are among the benefit you get when you contact Dr lago. I advised you reached out for help if you going through similar issues with the info below👇email: (drlagospeciall@gmail.com) or Whatsapp +2347060550594.
Website, Redirecting...
As somebody who deals with a narcissistic parent who pulls this crap, you are not the ass at all! She makes zero effort in calling and visiting the kids, and when we have attempted, we go ignored; yet, she plays the victim card and claims we are “alienating” her and other relatives from seeing them and tells me I can have fun with my “new f’ing family” (in reference to my husband, kids, my husband’s family, and also distant relatives of mine I’ve connected with on Ancestry and 23andMe). So, if you’re the ones putting all the effort and they are putting zero effort, then no, you aren’t the ass. This is the first year I will not accept any gifts or cards from my side of the family, and if sent to my PO Box (that’s the only address we got), it’ll go straight in the garbage, unopened. I’m beyond done with people pretending to care when they don’t.
We are old your lucky we even remember anything …at least she’s thinking of them at Xmas time why can’t your kids call her do u not or they not have her number hmm see it works both ways …appreciate the inlaws you already took our daughter or son at least have respect you don’t even see her she’s in another state .
I know the feeling. Don’t know if my kids even call their Gramma. I know the Grandkids don’t because they can’t even call me. And I mean CALL me not a fucking text message
Take the gift. It’s not that big of a deal. Some have financial reasons or medical for not traveling. It goes both ways. Take ur happy ass up there n visit.
If your family isn’t near by, how would you prefer that they went about being there for your kids? Sending cards and gifts is pretty standard honestly. Kids will remember them that way. I’ve spent my entire life clear across the country from my family and now I am raising my daughter the same, she has many family members that show they care by sending her cards or gifts, many of them she has never had the opportunity to meet in person. I think it is lovely of them to take the time out of their days to send her a little love.
How much of an effort have you put in? It works both ways and I’m sorry maybe the kiddos could call them to. Not being mean but at least your families think about them my kids have a ton of family they wouldn’t send a card. Just be grateful
I had a grandma with whom I never saw but she always sent me birthday cards and Christmas gifts, so I appreciated that and knew that she kept me on her thoughts and cared….
One year we got the gifts late because of an issue with us moving and I thought my grandparents had forgotten that year and I was sad….
Let the g parents get the kids something to show they are still thinking about them and even though everybody dealing with life situations doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten.Also, don’t forget, a telephone and car work both ways
When my husband and his mom got into a big arugement…she called my cell phone about a week later and wanted to talk to the kids if i could arrange it. I said you are their grandma and if want to talk to them call the house and speak to them. I told her son…thats their grandma and i dont csre what issues you have with her it doesnt invole the children.
It takes two to Tango. Do you phone them or get in touch with them if not stop complaining as your as bad as them. Young lady
Honestly. I get it. My husbands family didn’t really make much of an effort when they lived near us. They moved a few months after I had my first child. They didn’t make much of an effort. They would see pictures and ask what to send. But would always ask late every birthday. I mean yeah at least they remembered. Even though my son’s birthday is the same day as there daughters lol. When my son got older and I had my second children we would send cards and drawings. But my kids stopped the effort. We talked about there grandparents and have shown pictures. But if you asked them right now. They wouldn’t know who you were talking about. As parents we tried. And the kids tried at one point. And now it’s there lost. And we don’t want or need anything from them. Cause they wanted was there love, few minutes of there time, effort Not gift. No one is ever to busy for someone they love. Not to mention there daughter has a baby that they spoil and take over night. So there set
Do you have a home phone or just parental cell phone? It makes a huge difference when I want to call my grands and not have to speak to my kids first. It feels weird, like I need their (mom and dad) permission just to talk to grands. I have 4 sets of parents to deal with.
I agree. I have a similar situation in our family. NEVER hear from our grandsons. 
1 Like
It should be about the children family is important
You do what you feel is right. With today’s technology there’s no excuse.
So…gram tried to connect and was told no because she doesn’t connect at your place or your conditions? Yes, you indeed are the azzzh•le. Connection is a two way street and since your kids are old enough, as you say, then what’s the matter with them reaching out?
Dumb and petty. Let the kids have some gifts. I’m sure you’re in your feelings and the kids don’t care about seeing old, distant relatives that much, they’re kids 
I know my nephews are crazy busy in scouts,school orchestra band, one plays soccer now, just so many activities
They live 12 hrs from us & we try to call occasionally but they are very innatentive on the phone. We tried zoom a few times but it’s pure chaos. 4 boys aged 6 to 13, makes it super crazy to talk on phone. But we never miss sending a gift for bdays they usually visit 1 to 2 times a yr. Those boys know they are loved by their OH family. They are near Philly. But just cause we dont see them often and don’t get to talk to them much they still know they are loved. The grandparents may just assume that u r all busy or don’t have time to talk. Make a point of calling monthly or frequently. Just cause they don’t see them often or just send cards doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship. Take what they can do, meet them halfway. No child can ever get enough love, and I would have been thrilled as a kid to get asked what I wanted. I hardly ever got anything from my dad’s parents they were raising my cousins and my sis & I were the after thought grandkids.
She should be great full that they remember the most important times to male sure that they don’t feel left out . Omg SMH some people just like attention. I never got a gift from my kids grand parent by they father .she choose who to give a birthday card each time .it was horrible .
Yall live far away and haven’t seen family is years? Yet you’re made about the grandmother’s lack of effort? I’m confused. Since being an adult I’ve always taken responsibility to make sure to visit my parents and grandparents etc… you know respecting elders… things like that. When’s the last time yall visited family and made an effort?
1 Like
You sound selfish and entitled. They don’t show enough love?! They show love by sending the gift. Not enough gifts? How often do you visit them? How often do your parents send gifts or visit? Let me guess never, so you don’t want your husband’s parents too.
I would let her send gifts. Obviously she loves them and the phone works both ways. Tell them how you feel. Not just shut them down. You say you are far away from them. Just say something. That’s just my opinion.
My grandma kept every picture I colored as a small child and my mom sent her. As I learned to write, I sent my own letters. I found them in a box when she passed. Communication is a two-way street. It works just as well for one as it does the other. She did reach out and inquired. Some grandparents just send a sweater you’ll never wear. My grandma always encouraged us to accept things with grace and say thank you. Most good habits are taught by good examples.
2 Likes
Wth!? Handle your personal issues with her on the side. Let that woman send her grandkids Christmas gifts.
I think you are been selfish if the parents are getting on or no transport,then get the kids to phone them.At least she did think of them.My kids got nothing of my ex side,and they saw them.
As a mother of two and grandmother of 5, I am often at a loss as to how act, when to call, invite or be a part of my adult children’s lives because of their demeaning remarks and attitudes. We use to celebrate every holiday and birthday. Then I started getting the negative comments about my buying gifts and making Christmas super fun and beautiful. Our one daughter would roll her eyes and remark, “Now where are we going to put all of this crap?” Mind you, she was the most incredible, gracious, loving, joyful and appreciative child through her life until the last 10 years. I ignored her negativity, enjoyed my Christmas giving and traditions, while they left gifts behind when they left. I attempted to find out what was happening? Christmas was super magical for our daughters with Santa actually being found unloading gifts by the tree, Christmas caroling, family parties and fond memories.
Now, we have been by ourselves on holidays the last 3 years, and nothing changed, except how they treated us. One minute we were a family, and the next, we were not. They have their own families, pretty much. We are in our early 70’s, and even babysat our grandkids for 7 years before Covid.
You owe his mom and father at least an explanation. Hurt? That does not begin to describe the sense of abandonment and betrayal they and we are feeling with no discussion or explanation. Have you ever mentioned your feelings before? How are they suppose to read your mind if you do not engage them respectfully in a conversation?
Life is too short to carry around so much anger, bitterness and resentment. His parents have fewer years to live, and whatever you perceive as too few visits, phone calls etc, they too may have a reason. You just have not asked.
Do not treat them this way. Love them where they are in life, and try not to purposely hurt anyone, especially when they have no idea why you are acting so revengeful. Your children are watching how you treat your parents, and are learning from you.
Revenge and bitterness are empty emotions that do no one any good, but especially you and your kids. If they are good and decent people, then open your heart up to whatever they can offer including sending presents.
We have cried for 3 years pretty much nightly. We have asked over and over again why this has happened? I have read every book on adult child abandonement and estrangement to get the answers or some understanding. This quick discarding of older parents, friends and even adult children by parents is on the rise in epidemic proportions in the USA. Estranged parents have formed groups to support one another through such a crisis. They, like us, just do not understand why?
As parents, we immediately blame ourselves and question every thing we have said and done while replaying memory reels in our heads. My only answer is, I do not know, but I strongly suspect outside influences by her husband and family. I could be wrong. We are embarrassed to tell others because they will automatically think we must have done something to deserve such treatment. I know we have not!
There was no fighting, no disagreements and no explanation. I would not treat my worst enemy in such a way, but especially my parents, despite my abusive father deserving it. The shame and guilt parents experience by estranged adult children are catastrophic and devastating. We keep thinking we must be to blame, but I no longer feel this way. There was a time, neither my husband nor I wanted to continue living. Our world had been shattered.
I do not understand how shutting down your MIL’s gift giving makes anyone happy or brings them closer. Are they abusing your children? Have they done anything to hurt them? It seems to me they are attempting to be in their lives the best way they can, and your expectations exceed their capabilities. Be happy they are in your lives at all! Think about it. Our daughter wants us to not expect anything of her or to even spend time with her family, while you are angry that your in laws do not spend enough time. How can some grandparents win when all they want is to belong and celebrate life with those they love the most? How hard is it to just love someone as they are when they have not engaged in any form of abuse?
Let it all go. Call her, apologize, and give her some gift ideas. While you are at it, tell her your reaction to her inquiry was more about your hurt feelings about them not participating more in your family’s lives.
You must see that so much pain inflicted on people, especially grandparents and parents, purposely, is heartless. It is abusive to say the least. It says more about you than you MIL.
I have endured many hurtful things, but nothing has ever prepared me for the pain inflicted by at least one daughter. And I have asked why many times. Invite your MIL to participate more in your lives. The worst you can get is that she is doing the best she can. Accept her where she is, and get over your disappointment as my husband I have had to do. We no longer wait for a call, text, visits or emails. She lives 5 minutes from us.
We have made a new life for ourselves. The feeling of loss hurts less and less. We turned that loss into being grateful for those in our lives who do treat us well, love and value spending time with us. I am learning to value myself and to stop beating myself up. Our adult, once foster daughter, adores us and spending time with us at our home or camping. We are focusing on her and loving this time!
I pray you can resolve things for everyone’s sake. Do not let things fester. Talk to her. She is waiting by her phone most likely, sobbing! Been there and done that!
3 Likes
Yeah you’re being a turd. You’re the DIL just tryna cause drama and you’re making this about your feelings, not really the kids.
No, choosing not to accept the gifts is sending a powerful message to your children. Never to allow people to buy their love because how someone treats them and shows up for them is far more important! Gifts are not forms of love in and of themselves I’m sorry to anyone who thinks they are, there needs to be a solid foundation. Tell your mother in-law to use the money to come and visit better! If she’s that upset and it’s really important to her to connect with her grandchildren then doing that shouldn’t be an issue. On the other hand if she’s simply trying to buy their love with the least amount of effort possible then clearly she’s not a person worth having in their lives!
I feel for you and the frustration. I am in a similar situation with my dad & step-mom. They have only sent birthday & Christmas gifts. They have never been to any of my 3 children’s birthdays when we lived 4 hours away. We moved here to AB 3.5 years ago. They travel all over and always say love you & miss you guys but never come see us. I have an extra room downstairs, which I’ve offered. All I hear is, “oh we will see.” Mind you They have probably already booked next winters trip away. It is hard not to be bitter! They make excuses for everything but pretend they care! I hope you can speak your truth & she will understand where you are coming from. My kids look forward to these small gestures of love and they are 
Hopefully, you will talk to her & let her send them something.
I was ways told something is better than nothing. 
You should have said phone calls, visits, communication!
I agree with you 100% mom… I’m sorry so many are sounding so nasty 
My own relationship with my mum has completely broken down. She texts every few weeks to ask to have them for a couple of hours. No texts or calls in-between but whatever. If they want to send a gift or card to a child just allow it they will one day be old enough to make their own decision on how they feel about things
3 Likes