Hey guys. I’m 27 yrs old, and my parents live with my fiancé and me. My mom and I are close, but I feel like whenever my fiancé and I go out with our little family, she expects to be invited, and that’s not the case. I love my mom, but I feel like she has a hard time understanding that I have my own family now and want to make memories with them. She always calls me out whenever we go out, but on my dad’s days off, they go out without saying a word. It’s so annoying, and the worst part is she’s really sensitive, so really, there’s no correct way to approach the topic. Granted, I’ll invite her if I’m running errands or something, but I don’t feel like I should invite her everywhere. Am I wrong? Any advice would be appreciated.
There is a time when you need to live your own life. No one needs to be around ALL time.
I would just try to gently explain that to her. It’s hard when parents live with you or vice versa.
Tell her to grow up and get her own life… Might be time you and your other half need to move out
I definitely wouldn’t say EVERY time but as a mom I can also completely understand wanting to be there to see those memories your child’s little family are making and be a part of it. Don’t forget you’re also her baby no matter how old you are so just like you want to spend quality time and make memories with your family, she’ll always want to do the same with you too. It’s hard to keep that in mind especially when living together, but just remember your mom will always want to be there for every moment in your life. Even more so now that her baby has had babies.
I don’t think you’re wrong. But it wouldn’t hurt to invite her sometimes. Just have a talk with her.
Boundries need to be defined and discussed it sounds like. And followed
It’s hard living with another family under one roof…,
Then you should be happy your dad takes her out without bothering you. Invite here sometimes and don’t feel bad about the times you dont, but its still nice for your kids, Im sure.
My mom died at 48 years old. My son was only 3 months old. I use to feel the same way as you. But my advice is just suck it up and let her go with you. She wants to be included in the memory making with her grand kids. I would literally do anything to have my mom back and be able to take her to do things with us.
You are an adult daughter, you just have to say look mum I’m making memories with my husband and kids, please understand that the times you did that with me I cherish but you wont be invited sometimes…its honestly as simple as that, if she still gets upset that’s on her not you so donr take it to heart
Just try having a civil sit down with her and let her know that whenever you and your little family go out it’s your time and when she goes on errands with you it’s her time. It would be like you getting upset because they don’t invite you to go with them. You need to spend quality time with your little family.
Also go out with just your mom. Its nice.
Call her when they go out and do what she does. Lol. I act like my kid some days and he stops being the rude kid
Maybe just lay out a schedule for some private bonding with your little fam & another schedule that she can join in. I think she will respect that if you talk to her about your plans.
I agree with Megan Warren because one day mom will be gone, make a day once a month for you and your mom.
I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard having live-in parents. My mom feels the same way. My kids don’t get the total grandparent experience, because she lives with us full time. It’s like they have a third parent.
I’d try to talk to her and explain how she gets upset but when the tables are turned you don’t. Maybe she thinks she’ll miss out and just wants to spend time with you I know y’all live together
Why don’t you invite her now and then it wouldn’t hurt you
Sounds like she is a covert narcissist parent also known as emotional or covert incest, look it up.
Maybe once a month make it a family night that mom and dad (if he’s available). You can all go out to do something all together and make memories. I too have lost my mom. My 3 boys are all grown up with their own families. They make time for me to join them. 2 of them live out of town and come visit as much as possible. The youngest has no children and comes to town as much as possible. We spend as much time together as possible. I enjoy every moment I have with them. They know I’m not getting any younger. Although I work 2 jobs that makes it some times difficult for me due to my work schedule. Yes you don’t need to feel guilty for not inviting every time. Just maybe once a mom. I’m sure mom would be happy. Good luck❤️
I’ve got different ideas of “family” than y’all:rofl: must be the southerner in me. if we go out, we invite my mom, dad(divorced), aunt and uncle along with my husband and son and I. They don’t all usually come, usually they don’t want to but they’re still invited. That’s our “family unit” now if we’re already out by ourselves we don’t call up everyone.
Invite her on a girls night every once in a while or have a little BBQ with the whole household and just have fun playing outside if it’s nice out.
I think it’s sad your mum expects it I wouldnt impose on my kids couples need space and time together!
My mom would be the same way honestly.
But this is a prime example of why children (especially with babies of their own) shouldn’t live together with their parents…
Personally I’d say
“Mom, I love your company but I married my husband and I want to spend alone time with him and my kids.”
“I have my own family now”
My mom lives with my husband and myself with our kids. She’s still family so we all go out together. My mom would definitely understand if sometimes I wanted to go with just my husband but we also go as a family. We only have our parents for so long, so to me I’d rather include her. I don’t want any guilt if she feels left out.
You live together that is enough bonding time holy smokes. Shake it off an enjoy your family time out. Remember she will be home when you get back.
Turn the tables on her. Next time her and your dad go out ask her where your invites were
Invite your mom! Always invite your mom! My mama is no longer here and I’d love to go back and invite her to EVERYTHING… Life is very short. Invite your Mom.
I understand both sides. But you should talk to your mom because she may feel like you never invite her to do the “fun-first things”. Your mom loves you and loves her grand babies that she too just wants to make memories. Sadly there will come a time when she will not be able to do the things that she can now. Ask her what are some of the memories she would like to create with them. Memories can be made more than once in the same place with and without the same people.
But yes you should be able go go out without feeling bad you are going to feel that way til you talk to your mom.
As for people telling you to move out. I read that they live with you. And that is ok too. best wishes to making happy memories with your family
Your not wrong, however maybe you could set 1 day a week or every other week for just you and mom and no one else. She could be feeling a little jealous of your little family or just needs reassurance that she hasn’t been replaced
Maybe do like a once a month thing? I’m all for having parents tag along sometimes but sometimes boundaries need to be set. We hang out with my parents once a month and they love it. My son and I hang out with Gigi at least once a week when hubby is working
Not wrong. Healthy boundaries will make a good relationship that won’t become resentful.
You just have to be stern. But just keep in mind. Your mom isnt gonna be around forever. So for sure include her in as much as you can. But explain to her, there are times you and your little family will do things without her. Just like her and your dad do
I don’t know it doesn’t and never bother me my Husband and i even before we had kids we would ask my mother in law if she would like to go out with us it never bother me she was alone
Maybe she likes doing things with you and your family. I remember asking my parents when we went out. You don’t have to do it every time but it us true. One day you will wish she was around to ask. I miss my parents everyday.
My Mother in Law lived with us. For three years she went just about everywhere my husband and I went. It was hard for her to get into the back seat of the car so I always let her up front and I rode in the back. This bothered me. She got sick and died.I miss her so much and wish I had been a better daughter In law.
You are not wrong. None of us are invited everywhere, every time. It’s all about creating healthy boundaries. Just let her know that some times you need to have quality time with just your husband and children. Just like some times you’ll spend time with just you and her and some times it’ll need to be just you and your husband and so on and so forth. She may get offended but you cannot carry the responsibility of that because you are not being mean or unreasonable. You’re creating a healthy boundary that’s necessary. I don’t know if you read books but there’s one titled “Boundaries” and it’s extremely helpful. I can’t recall the author but it’s a white and red cover with a pencil on it.
Isn’t she part of your family and I know I am 65 we don’t live with our children but we often feel completely forgotten by our children.
No , you have a right to spend quality time with your family without her . She needs to understand that and if she doesn’t she will get over it. Just talk with her and explain it
trll her you need to make your own memories and she will be included at other times
I love when my daughter and husband go out and leave me home alone I can run around naked
You are allowed to have your own life. It’s sad that she gets her feelings hurt, but that is her challenge to work through not your’s. Try to be kind, but explain that you need some alone time with your family.
No you’re not wrong at all she should be more mature than that and understand she can’t get upset or try to tagalong every time you go somewhere. if it bothers her that much maybe she needs to go stay elsewhere
Maybe start a tradition that includes your mom…like Saturday picnic lunches or Thursday evening bike rides. Creating memories with your family is important but it’s also important to create memories with your mom and your children good luck!
One day you’ll wish she was here to tag along.
Easy fix pick one day out the week for a one big happy family date night.
First: Are you living with your parents or are they living in your home? That makes a difference to me. Are your parents disabled? Are they living on Soc Sec (money issues)?
Second: Sit down with them. It will be hard to have the conversation, but you MUST have a conversation. Two different families living together can never survive. We tried it with my brother/sister in law. Jealousy always works it’s way in.
As others have said, make time for you and your parents/mother a couple times a month. Set aside specific days so they will know when they are going out with you.
Why do you live with your parents?
Make that time to include your mom…be it once or twice a month ask her to join y’all. We are never promised tomorrow…
I’m a grandmother and a great grandmother and I don’t expect to be included in everything my family does. They’re entitled to their family time, just like I had with them when they were younger. I know it doesn’t mean they love me less. She should respect your family time, that’s how you build trust and communication with your children.
Ask yourself some questions.
- Do you spend anytime with her outside of the house? Even just a picnic?
- Are you just going and not saying anything? Like Megan, Bob and I are going out so you will need to get dinner for you you and dad.
- Have you explained that while you love her you want to have more intimate time with your fiancé and kids like she had with hers?
- Have you pointed out that just like her and dad like spending time alone you want to do the same to so you can have a long lasting relationship like theirs.
- If you have not done all of the above you have some work to do.
- If you have done all of the above shake it off. No matter what you do she won’t be happy. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Be happy. You are doing the right thing to have a lasting relationship which is setting boundaries. It is hard for moms to have boundaries because you will always be their child so you have to be mindful of what you need to do nurture your relationship so it can have the longevity your parents have.
No you need to move out
I’m a very blunt person so i just say it how it is. Just tell her that even though you do like doing things with her she needs to realize that you have a family of your own now and you’d like to do things with just your family. Maybe try and set something up where like once every other week or maybe once a month you guys all go out and do something together? I think for some these situations can be hard because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings but you also need to set boundaries and they need to be respected.
you need to talk to your mom about this; two families, two directions
She needs friends, senior center, church, making quilts she is bored and lonely
Boundaries. Id just kindly tell her its date night. Period. Don’t let her guilt you. If it doesn’t bother and she sees this, she’ll eventually move on to something else.
My mom isn’t the best
But I’d be grateful if she would push her stuff to the side to be in her grandkids life long story short
My grandmas could care less about me and and sisters and brothers
In fact iv had to tell one of my grandmas to never speak to me again
I’d set some boundaries
You’re not wrong at all. Express how you feel, put out a solid boundary, and leave it at that. You’re right. You may be housing her, but you’re an adult with a family. Thats really all you can do, tell her how you feel and how it’ll be. If time with you guys is her angle mabe make a plan for an outing once in a while. But to expect you to drag her everywhere with you is a bit ridiculous.
Honestly I think boundaries need to be set because you and your husband are a married couple and if you have children and that’s your little family. Of course you would like to go have a date night or a family night on your own without your parents or your mother. Honestly I’m a very blunt person so it’s hard for me to give advice because I don’t sugarcoat things I tell people straightforward how I feel about things and how it’s going to be in my house. And in my house I make the rules nobody else does!!! I found out right before hurricane Michael a married couple and a roommate does not mix and will never work out. Because it influences and interrupts your marriage. Your roommate can become in between you and your spouse and all of your decisions on your home your rules how you live your life. Honestly I don’t let people Guilt Trip me and I let them know that’s what they’re doing and it’s not going to work. I mean I really mean you know what I’m saying I’ve had experiences where people want to live with me and then basically me take care of them and they live off of me and screw my kid and screw my marriage I will not tolerate somebody sleeping on my couch if it is 7 a.m. you better get up the TV is getting turned on and breakfast is getting made. The kids are up everybody is up and I don’t like people who sleep until 12 in the afternoon it is time to be awake it is daytime and in my house roommate or not you will not sleep all day and stay up all night. Those are the kinds of experiences I’ve had with people living in my house they want to eat your food they have no respect for your dishes nothing I mean it even comes in between shower time now you’re fighting and arguing who’s going to take a bath when and everything or there’s not enough hot water the kids took too long of a bath well guess what you live in my house this is my rules I have kids you don’t take a shower somewhere else or when there is hot water. I don’t let people do me that way as you can tell. No dinner time is not for the roommate I learned my lesson on that too. Roommate can cook their own breakfast lunch and dinner and provide their selves the groceries and their shampoo conditioner so forth. And besides I like to walk around my house with a bra and panties on sometimes or just plain naked while I’m just getting something if I’m by myself I don’t need no roommates because I can’t dance to my music or nothing like I want to if I have a roommate. That is why Grown Folk move off from home
thats one thing i won’t do to my kids is add stress to them when life already hard .i just want them to be happy & set boundaries n stick to them
Nothing wrong with a long conversation with you and your mom since your close as it is…your an adult with a family and maybe she needs to hear how much its bothering you instead of you just assuming she knows how you really feel. And then after the conversation nothing changes then its up to you how you proceed.
I’d tell her to deal with it or gtfo to be honest. I hate people like that
This is how my mom is, she didn’t necessarily want to be invited places, but she wanted to know what we were doing at all times. And would get upset if I didn’t call her every single day when we had our own place. Or got mad that I put boundaries like don’t call after 7:30pm bc the baby is asleep. She did and still kinda does have a hard time letting go, and it’s mostly due to her always wanting to be in control of everything, down to every detail. It’s a hard topic to talk about, but some boundaries will have to be set in order to try to maintain a healthy relationship. There is nothing wrong with doing things on your own with your little family, not saying that you’ll exclude her from everything but try to let her know that y’all need time to make memories of just y’all as well. I’m sure she had that opportunity when you were little, and sometimes parents forget how it is when you’ve got little ones of your own.
One day you will wish she was there to go out with you!!! Maybe set up one day a week to enjoy this!!
I don’t get what the harm in inviting her to dinner with y’all is… I get that you want to be alone with your family, but if she lives with you guys, maybe she just feels lonely and would like to be included in the fun family activities. She is family too
I know its going to be hard, but you and your husband are going to need to come up with a list of boundaries that your both good with. Then have a talk with mom and dad. (That’s going to be the hard part).
double fucking standeres , happends every day of the yr it all bullshit tell MOM to get over herself she not center of attention
Whats the harm in including her once in awhile? My mother always asked to be included. When I finally got my head out of my ass my mother was dead. Biggest regret. Words of wisdom from a 37 year old mom of 2 boys who would give anything to have her mother back.
Mom l love you but l have have time with my family to and very kind way maybe with nice thing flower with l love Mom than she well unstand.
If you have your own place she wouldn’t know what is going on. Heads up your much more fortunate then you realize.
You are not wrong!! My MIL use to do this to my husband. Anytime she found out we went and did something with out kids, we hear why didn’t you invite me and dad, we would have loved to have gone too. We always told her the same thing, we are allowed to go out just us and spend time as a family. She’d get bent out of shape, but went right back to her persistence on anything and everything. You’re just going to have to sit down with your mom and tell her that you’re not trying to hurt her feelings but you are allowed to go out with out her and make memories with your little family.
Maybe invite her to some things… memories with grandparents are just as important. Pick a day where your family and her can all go out together so she feels included. It might help. And if there still a situation, just let her know sometimes it’s going to be just your little family
You shouldn’t have to invite her everywhere with you and yours. Assuming you had a good childhood, she raised you. She had her time with you. Once you’re an adult with your own family, that’s your priority. However, again assuming you had a good childhood and have a good relationship with your parents and they aren’t toxic, you only have one mom and one dad. So maybe compromise. If you go out to dinner with your spouse and kids twice a week, make one of those nights a family night and invite your parents out with you. Use the other night for just your little family. Or maybe pick one day a week or every other week where just you and your mom do something together. Whatever you decide to do, make sure your boundaries are clear. She may be sensitive, but if you want the issues to stop, you have to address them.
Ugh, some people on here have no boundaries! Just because she will pass away one day doesn’t mean she gets to be included in everything you do! You need alone time with your partner, that is important for your relationship. If she’s like this now, imagine how awful she might be when you have kids. She goes out with her partner alone, but thinks she needs to be included on your date nights? Double standard.
Why do your parents live with you? Why can’t you each have your own place?
Doesn’t your mom have friends? Sounds like she is living through you. Find her some hobbies/causes/activities /sports that engage her, encourage her to make new friends and she may cling to y’all a little less. Sign her up for an exercise or academic class, a neighborhood walking group, take her to church when it’s safe, Sounds like she has no life of her own. Maybe even get her a pet if that’s feasible.
Set up a calendar with times when you will spend with your little family and times when you spend with your mom. Include one on one time with her, and times when you all spend time together. Mani, pedi, swimming, just the two of you for coffee, drinks, a meal. Or block out a time and let her pick the activity. Then have everyone go out to a park, playground, for pizza, movie, bowling, have game night in. Sit down with her and set boundaries but give her times to look forward to as well.
My friends and I used to host “teas” with our moms. We’d all get together at someone’s place for light food and drinks. We could socialize with other moms with whom we don’t have issues, the moms could socialize with each other, and yet our moms would feel like they had spent the time with us. Win win!
Can you get your dad & fiancé on board to help with this?
Also, individual and family counseling can help by injecting a neutral third party pro who can guide everyone to a healthier place.
As grandparents we appreciate the little ones more than we did when ours were the little ones.
You find it annoying now but when she’s dead and gone your gonna wish you had just invited her… fell lucky you have a mama that loves you guys that much!
I’d complain that they don’t invite me when they go out, if she has an excuse tell her now you know how I feel. She can’t have it both ways
Invite her to some things. Parents are not here forever and the grandchildren should be able to build memories too. If you do a day or two a week with her I’m sure she will not be such a bugaboo when you go out by yourselves.
She won’t be around forever and you are part of her little family. I would include her as much as possible. Your kids will thank you for it when they are older
Tell them you guys are going running they won’t go it work on me
Maybe she gets lonely when your dads not around I would just bring her but that’s me or maybe offer for her to come so if she wants she can decline might be nice to have extra hands to help with kiddos. Are you feeling like she’s a burden living with you and ur just wanting space from her ? I always find it’s nicer to have someone wanting to be involved in my life with my kids
You could tell her you’re part a swingers community and it’s too weird to invite her🤣
I don’t think you’re wrong. If you spend alot of time with her already & do things together, then you shouldnt feel guilty about needing time with just your husband & kids too. Thats healthy for you & your husband, & your mom should get it. It doesnt mean you dont love & appreciate your mom. I would just say jokingly “you and dad go do things without inviting us every time😅”… maybe she’ll see it that way.
You are her whole world .it is hard to let go .she sounds wonderful .wish i had mine still . just explain tactfully that you love her deeply but there are times when you want time to spend with your own little family.that does not mean that you have forgotten her .then make it a point to include her once in a while.do a nice lunch or a mani .something fun and maybe a family dinner with all of you .
I’m sorry to hear your mother is behaving this way. I’m with you on this one. The next time, she calls you out, just tell her “if you continue to do this - then we are moving out”!
Maybe a talk with your Mom where you can negotiate some would help her understand that you have that right to do some things alone with your primary family without her inflicting guilt on you- -it’s a delicate balance but keep talking…
Sometimes you have to be Stern
Go out with out your mom.
You are not wrong! You have to set boundaries. Find her something to do while you are away. Puzzles, books, maybe friends.