I am an independent woman with a couple of little kids. Their dad is only in their life when he wants to be and when I ask but isn’t around full time. My family hates him for not stepping up and being the dad my kids deserve. Everytime I ask him to simply watch the kids for a few hours, my mom gets angry and throws hate my way for weeks. She watches them for 8 to 12 hours a week, no more then 4 or 5 hours at a time and she acts like she’s so tired after watching them for that small time frame. I rarely ask for a help besides that. How do I get it through to her that having him watch his own kids for a few hours on occasion has nothing to do with her?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom gets upset when my kids dad watches them: Advice?
Girl you most certainly are not independent with all that help that you need and are getting. Be glad your mother helps you out (AND OF COURSE SHE IS TIRED—that’s a long time to watch some kids) (YOUR kids aren’t HER responsibility) and let her know to help both of you out their dad is going to handle his responsibilities once in a while 
, point blank PERIOD.
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Don’t tell her bc it’s not her business and he still has rights and responsibility.
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If the kids are safe with him and he is a safe person to have around then, it’s not her business. Those kids deserve to have whatever type of bond with their father.
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If he isn’t consistently in their life, why would u even want him to watch them? I can understand why shes upset. Your messing with your kids heads.
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Everyone saying you should appreciate your mom… yes you absolutely should be grateful but that does not mean she can gaslight you into feeling like it is too much, i mean especially if she is asking or she throws a fit when she cant. I think i understand what you mean: she watches kids, but not a ton and every single time you pick your kids up she makes you feel guilty and that is not okay, not if she is choosing to watch them! Now if she has told you its too much and you aren’t listening then yes she has that right.
As far as her getting mad that you let their father watch them, well that is not her concern unless he is mistreating the kids. She may not agree but she has no say and honestly she sounds like a marter… but ofcourse we only know one side of the coin so i could be completely wrong.
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Just ask her to stop being nasty towards you and respect the fact that you’re their mum and make choices you feel are right for each circumstance. You appreciate her concern but it’s fine.
Shes just being over protective because she’s close to her grandchildren
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Well if you are so independent then you shouldn’t need any one to watch your kids. They aren’t her kids and watching kids is a lot of work especially if she doesn’t want to or o feels that she should. She’s probably not understanding why you don’t make their DAD do more so she does less. That is usually how it goes and is understandable. It’s more about you than anything. If you don’t want to deal with her disappointment than maybe use her less as a babysitter and use him more. They are both in your kids lives so you need to find a way to get things handled.
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It’s not her responsibility to watch y’all kids. She does what she does out of love. You should appreciate it.
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The kids have a right to there father and if he is spending time with them your family should be happy they have that opportunity to spend with there dad especially if he isn’t around a lot already.
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They’re upset he hasn’t stepped up as a father yet she’s upset you have him watch the kids sometimes…that makes no sense. I wouldn’t say 4 or 5 hours is nothing when it comes to watching multiple kids, you should be grateful for that help, but that doesn’t give her any say in who else watches the kids
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Its probably coming from a feeling like he’s hardly around and if he is its not on his own doing, that’s not someone I want my little kids with. So I get that. Its a trust thing. Be thankful you have a mom to do this for you.
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You will probably never get through to your mom about this situation, she sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies. I had a mother that acted like that. Save yourself some heart aches and find a sitter that enjoys watching those babies. Dad has every right to be in their lives and you actually ought to get him to step up more, especially since you say he will watch if you ask. I would simply ask him more often.
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They are your kids and not hers ,you should not care about what she said, if your kids are safe with him keep encouraging them to spend time together even if he is not consistent, if she still complaining stop letting her watch them
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What little amount of time your children get to spend with their dad is precious even if he didn’t man up and be a full-time father, did your mother have a dad when she growed up , how would she have liked it to never have gotten to see her dad ? even if it was just for a couple hours a week , a couple hours a month, every minute counts with an absent parent for your children.
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If dads not harming kids, it’s not mawmaws business when he gets time with them.
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Tell her from now on when you need someone to watch them you will call her first before you call him.
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That is a lot of time that she is watching them. You should be more appreciative of that. Also, just because she watches them, it doesn’t give her any say in the matter of their dad watching them. That’s not her business. Don’t argue with her about it. Don’t even discuss it. Your kids spending time with their dad doesn’t require her approval.
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They are his kids to and if he decides he wants to watch them there’s nothing she can do. He has rights even though he plays dad when he feels like it.
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I find your post a little confusing 
Your family hates that your kids dad is not stepping up and being the father your kids deserve but when you can get him to spend time with the kids, your mom gets mad about it? That seems pretty hypocritical 
Is he a danger to the kids?
Plus your mom watches your kids at least twice a week for 4+ hours and you don’t believe that she’s tired afterwards? I’m assuming your mom must be at least 35+ and she already raised her kids and she IS tired. And if she doesn’t think the kids dad needs to watch your kids unsupervised maybe there’s a darn good reason and you should listen to her.
Tell your mom if she’s so tired let dad do it. My mother used to cry within 30 min of having my son. Cut her off. Grandparents are awful these days
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I wouldn’t tell her because it’s none of her business and if she’s making you feel like shit for how is just imagine what she’s probably said to him
Honestly just stop wasting your energy. Let her throw her fits. You are thinking about the kids and that’s all that matters. They get to know their dad, even if he should be doing better at it. It’s better than I got which was no dad at all! You wanna tell her anything tell her at least they have a dad AT ALL. He should be doing more, but keeping them apart isn’t gonna help anything either.
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Correct. He needs to spend time with them
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I wouldn’t let the dead beat watch the kids. If he really actually cared he would WANT to be there for his kids and provide for them.
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Perhaps she doesn’t feel like they are safe with him. If he isn’t responsible enough to be a full-time dad, why would you let him pop in and out of their lives. That isn’t fair to the children! “Any male can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy”. He sounds like an immature tomcat.
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Perhaps SHE is the one dealing with the pain that your children have over their father not being a present figure in their life?
Perhaps the children have outbursts & attitudes after being babysat by a man who can’t commit to raising them?
Perhaps you aren’t seeing the full effect on the children & your mom is trying to express her concern over this situation by beating around the bush?
I babysit my 3 year old grandson full time & his dad put him thru hell for the first year & a half of his life. We still to this day deal with the trauma caused & he’s not seen his father in over a year now. But just the mention of his name puts this child in a panic.
Sit down & talk things out with your Mom. She loves you & the kids & I’m sure if she is raising concerns, there’s more to it than her trying to be controlling… Maybe she has legit fears that have been kept from you to prevent you from stress. Get a level head on & have a heart to heart with your mom 
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Well regardless of what you mom is demanding of you, he is their father. You are an adult. These are your children. What YOU say goes. Your mom is not in charge, you are. Both parents are important in a child’s life. They each teach them things the other can’t, from their point of view. So along as they feel safe, in a safe environment and are taking care of. Then I’d keep that interaction with their father. Its important. Signed a single momx4. 
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She is Helping you,quite a bit actually. Maybe Respect her concerns. It’s Not okay for you to let an inconsistent man in and out of their lives. Find a Real sitter Mrs. Independent. JS.
Your kids don’t like him maybe that’s why your mom doesn’t. How can u expect anyone to Respect a man who won’t properly raise his own kids? If he’s not there Full time then let him go. Don’t keep trying to have him around. He should not be able to come and go in their lives, it’s Toxic!.. and she’s not acting tired, she is tired. A couple of Little kids for 5 hours a day is tiring girl, she’s a lot older. She raised her kids so she’s tired and still going this to help you bc daycare is expensive! Grandparents should see there kids, but babysitting can be a lot on them. Just bc she’s tired when u pick them up doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about them and who is around them.
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Stop telling her things you know are going to cause grief. If she asks just politely say I’d rather not talk about because it causes tension between us
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I mean if she’s too tired to watch them no big deal … so you asked their dad to help (he’s their dad he should as long as he’s safe etc) . It’s not right for your mom to treat you that way and get mad when you find other help … that’s toxic and gaslighting
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At least she watches them I don’t have anyone. Be great full and do more as a parent no then else u can even do but do more
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You ignore her and keep doing what you’re doing . People see things the way they want to rarely realizing their place / power in the situation. Some people are relentless.
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Tell her to stay in her own lane. There ur kids n his he needs to step up. Ur mom has nothing to do with ur kids n ur business. I wouldn’t tell her anything that doesn’t concern her
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Most moms I’ve noticed is like that for some odd reason. Nobody is capable but her. He is dad so if he watches him for a bit for you then good. At least he is seeing the kids for a while.
It sounds like Mom wants the best of both worlds. She complains that she is so tired from watching the kids but then gets offended when someone else watches them. Maybe explain to her that even if she never complained and had the energy of a 25 year old, you would STILL expect their father to keep them FOR THE CHILDRENS SAKE. Many times, some father is better than no father and he is the only father they will ever have. Maybe give mom her designated days and give dad his designated days. So if Dad is every Tuesday then she won’t be caught off guard or feel slighted when they go to him on Tuesday. My mother lives and dies by a schedule. She is always there to help me so long as it is on the schedule. Any changing of the schedule throws her off kilter and messes up her whole aura. I myself enjoy flying by the seat of my pants, but I bow to the schedule because it is great for my kids to have that time with her.
So your family is both upset that your kids dad doesn’t step up, but your mom is upset when he does step up and watches the kids for you?
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Tell her exactly that and if she can’t deal with it tell her you’re going to cut her out until she does.
Sounds like your mom wants to feel like she’s the only one you need. Just stop telling her all your business.
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Well…Maybe ask Dad to watch the kids on Grandma’s time too so she can instead of watching them get to relax. Maybe that’s what she wants? Try that.
You might need to find a baby sitter beside your mom
And let her be just grandma
Be grateful…I didn’t get squat for helping with raising my four sons a majority of their life…or had family to sit for them .u are far from independent …
Everyone needs someone to watch their children at some point. For ALL of you saying that she is not independent cuz her parents are doing the babysitting are being hateful. My parents watched both of my children while I worked and I was independent. My ex was successful and independent as well. We were both extremely grateful for my parents and what they did and yes, everyone had a say in how they were raised. It takes a village and my children loved their grandparents.
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It seems a lot of people commenting are not comprehending the problem here… the grandma is not complaining about watching the kids… so everyone is working full time and not taking their kids to daycare? Do you take them to work w you? How is she not independent?
Ya know if theres 1 VIP thing Ive learned & very valuable I might add esp when ya got people like this REGARDLESS who they are to you is that SOMETIMES some things are better left UNSAID!! First - For WHAT reason does she HAVE to know your asking him?? Are your kids little to understand that if their being “pumped” for info to * NOT* divulge it?! I mean if their more older like least around 12ish their def old enough to understand the concept of NOT telling everybody everything! Frankly I dont see the point of alerting her UNLESS YOU yourself were fearful of him in which case WHY would u bother asking him i stead of getting a sitter to come over n watch them?? What you DO is YOUR BUISNESS! Long as their SAFE w/ him its NOONES BUISNESS if their seeing him! Just mY 02!
I don’t understand why your mom is upset. Your family hates him for not being the dad your kids deserves but when he tries your mom gets mad. I’m confused. Is he abusive or does she think he is?
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Of course you appreciate your mum for helping with the children but that does not give her the right to complain about them spending time with their Dad. Its sad hes not willing to be in their lives unless he’s asked but its important they know him and make up their own minds what kind of man he is without your mothers input . No matter what she thinks of him she shouldn’t be bad mouthing him in front of them either.
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Ignore her. Or tell her to get over it.
tell her that her time with them is going to shrink quite a bit !!!
Good luck. Damned if you do… damned if you don’t. SHE needs to give you some respect. He needs to step up a little more. You ARE getting child support?? Try to sit down with mom and talk with her. Ask her if she doesn’t want to watch the kids ??
Why are you telling her then when he sees the kids, if she can’t handle knowing this information then stop sharing it with her! Even if he is a shitty dad your baby’s deserve to have him in their life unless they are voicing not want to spend time with him then don’t stop that relationship because you’ll end up being the bad guy! Let your baby’s decide for themselves what type of man he is, not your mother!
I’m a grandma! You are a self entitled brat! Us grandma’s are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN! If we CHOOSE to have our grandchildren to help out, THAT IS A GIFT! I’m 52 and get tired from my grandson. We raised out kids (YOU) ! Wash your face and leave your poor mom alone! PS You are obviously NOT INDEPENDENT! Your mom covers your daycare lol!
Im a Lolli (grandma) to 3,2, & 1 year olds…. When the youngest ones dad watches him, omg it’s HELL dealing with that kid afterward. He screams, & throws fits. As long as he doesn’t go directly from his dads house to mine, it’s fine…. He’s a good baby…. Content & happy….
I’d consider talking to gm about it & finding out exactly WHY she’s having an issue with it…… but it never crossed MY mind to be angry that my gs is seeing his father. That’s dumb af. Every kid needs their dad…… even if the kid acts an ass after the visit.
Time to have an honest chat with her
I agree he should be their more but it’s not her business.
Stop letting her know when he’s watching his own kids cause it’s none of her business honestly. Maybe instead of having your mom watching your children 8-12 hours a week you put them into daycare then on the other days your ex can watch them. Let your mom be a grandparent not a babysitter cause that’s going to cause tension in the long run. You say you’re independent but you got your mom watching your children and I bet she ain’t getting paid neither.
Also you wanna know why your mom upset and throws hate your way when your babydaddy watches your children it’s probably cause he treats you like crap he probably gets paid by you to even watch the kids (doubt he doing it for free especially if he ain’t consistently in their life like a real father should be. I bet you’ve told your mom about the times he lets you down or has been a douche or you complain about him not helping with the children etc so when you do that trust me when I say this your mom tired of the games y’all playing with those babies heads cause that’s exactly what you and babydaddy doing. I also bet those kids be acting out after seeing their dad too so guess who has to deal with that bs…. Your mom does since she’s the one who watching those kids.
Like foreal stop putting all the blame on your mom and look at it thru her eyes seriously and sit down and talk to her like an adult and ask why she gets upset. If you can’t sit down and talk to your mom about this then stop complaining seriously
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Y’all are weird. There is a serious expectation as if grand mothers are suppose to watch kids when they’ve already raised theirs and then on top of that the parents don’t know these grandparents start to have a vested interest in the child’s (their grandchild(ren) safety and well being—-n for a father that is inconsistent, in and out these children’s lives—who’s really the damn problem? This grandmother has all right to be skeptical— n if she can’t respect ur wishes of you wanting them around their inconsistent and inconsiderate father then stop using her to watch ur kids. And see how that works out for you—point blank period. Your parents aren’t obligated to watch ur children. They’ve already raised you.
I totally understand this frustration. It is none of her business if they see their dad unless what they say about being with him is negative or a red flag. ThT being said he helps when you ask. Which is a blessing in disguise because he won’t make problems if your good. And if he’s not paying child support either than you know without a doubt you got this yourself. Sometimes grandparents don’t realize that opinions are like a&@holes and everyone has one it doesn’t mean hers is justified.
- She’s tired after a few hours
- She’s looking at it like you HAVE to ask him because she can’t or won’t that day due to her own life etc. so she feels like it’s her fault or you blame her even if you don’t
- It won’t change because your ex’s and probably when you split you told her more than you should have about your personal experiences (which don’t mean he’s mean to the kids) she is just combining her info with her opinion
- He’s a free babysitter and he should help you Any way he can
Even if it isn’t money and your mom has to understand that. 40$ a day for childcare per kid is sometimes better than child support if you don’t have a daycare either.
We also don’t know what the beginning Grama babysitting. Whether it was a panic or if you pay her etc. and if you try to give her a day off then she wouldn’t usually get to pick who watches her.
So many things
Hugs
Ignore it. Parents (ours) are hardwired to give their opinion because for two decades that’s what was law and sometimes they forget that they weren’t perfect parents or that society is way different now in accepting lifestyle choices.
My advice be his friend and unless she starts poking at you don’t mention it. If she does start poking say
He could go for split custody he could have them full time. However he doesn’t cause me pain in that aspect he simply helps when I ask and minds his own otherwise so please do the same.
Ok you probably can’t say that to your mom. But it would be nice to sometimes eh?
Hugs.
Breath and remember this for when you have grand babies yourself. The goal is to make the future better than the past. So learn from this and maybe your kids will deal better with situations like this when they are adults.
Hugs.
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Having their father around is positive for them.
Remind her: MY kids need their father, too. Just bc he isn’t doing it YOUR way doesn’t make his presence less important. YOUR grandkids need him. You don’t have to like it but you will respect it. If you can’t, he won’t be the one not seeing them. 
My sons father treated him like a convenience. I still never allowed anyone to start acting the fool over the time he did have him. Her opinion is her business, nobody else’s. 
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First you could start with having gratitude for how often she has your kids and go from there. Doesn’t sound like you appreciate her at her and that probably has a lot to do with her being pissy
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