My mom has cancer and I have to force myself to be there

Maybe she will try to make it
right prayers for you Judy my heart
goes out for you God bless your
heart​:pray::pray:

I could have written this. I was devastated when my dog passed. Now feel guilty because I was sadder than when my mom passed.

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This is something only the Holy Spirit can do :heart:
You need to pray and ask Jesus to help you with this :pray:
You are human and you can’t help how you feel .
Ask the Holy Sprit to Help you to forgive your momma, He will.
It is amazing the healing that can occur in your relationship with your mom before she leaves this earth.
Best wishes :heart:

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Be there for her, be the bigger person. You may not ever know why she was the way she was. But then again you might and it may be and eye opener.

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Sweetheart, be kind to yourself. I’m sorry u were hurt growing up. It may help to tell yourself that in her own toxic way, she did the best she could. She may be emotionally I’ll. That’s not an excuse but it may be part of an explanation. Just remember u can’t change her. U can control u. If u can find a way, be there for her in whatever capacity u can. It’s better than having regrets once it’s too late. I have a toxic relationship with my mother but I do care about her & believe she feels the same even if she couldn’t always be what I needed. I’m trying to approach things from the standpoint that one day will be the last time we see each other & I hope to give grace in a way that I hope God will bless me as well. Good luck & God bless

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Right now, it’s not just about you… maybe you will find some healing and empathy during this difficult time ,you both face. seek help. HUGS>

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You are being the better person…

You feel the way you do nothing is wrong with that.My father passed I hadn’t seen or talk to him in 40 years but when he passed I was there to support my sister. I never carted or had any kind of feelings about him.And that is ok with me it doesn’t make me a bad person.You can’t make or have feelings for someone that was never been there for you.So don’t feel bad.Maybe in time you will cry if you do that’s fine if you don’t that’s fine to.Dont put a bunch of pressure on your self.Good luck with it all.But what ever you do make sure you say what you want to from the heart you only get one chance then there gone.

  1. you don’t have to cry if you don’t feel like you need to. There is no right or wrong way to feel with this kind of news. She has cancer. Lots of people get cancer. 2) do only what you feel is appropriate regarding her care. Don’t force yourself to call her 3) take care of yourself and understand that it is entirely possible that she will never apologize for her failings as a parent. She may not even realize that her actions harmed you. Do what you feel comfortable doing. If you force yourself to help when you don’t want to, it can lead to feelings of resentment.
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It’s important that you resolve the emotions of resentment you have towards your Mother before she dies and not carry that after the fact. Have an open and honest conversation together, that will help allow your current relationship with her to evolve past it being seen as a mere obligation to support her through her Cancer struggle. Build a friendship of trust and unconditional love for your mom that will surpass whatever differences you may have had. No matter how old one might be, it still hurts immensely when either our Mother or Father dies.

Grandpa is so proud of you, Megan! :tulip::heart::tulip:

I had similar relationship with my dad and he passed a few years ago and I didn’t even flinch… sent my brother 100 bucks for the services and that’s that… on the other have my exs (like 7 days ago ex) had a similar relationship with his mother and she passed 8 months ago and he couldn’t be bothered when his granny called him to tell him cause it was 4am and acted like he didn’t care to him 3 days to cry a little and that was that except he got really really depressed and angry and mean and paranoid and delusional (hence the ex) and refused to speak to anyone professionally… I’m not even sure it was the grief he didn’t know he had or if he just didn’t care anymore… but I will say this… if I were you I wouldn’t go out of my way to fake it I would check in every so often and maybe ask if she needs anything but to take it cc makes her think that she’s good and if you stop taking it maybe she will see that she was terrible and that might make her respect you and treat you better… wether you want it or not… mother or not, if she was terrible she was terrible!! I’m super family oriented but if you’re my dad and you’re crappy… you’re crappy… if you’re my friend and you’re amazing that’s family

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What did she do that was so bad that you cannot have any emotions about what she is going through? As far as your mother’s love for her husband/your father, he is her life partner, and she should care deeply about him.

I think at the end u will do the right thing- healing her will heal you ! :wink:- if that makes sense! prayers for you both :pray::pray::pray:

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Be there for your Mother. Don’t let how she treated you stop you from doing whats right . I am afraid if you don’t you will regret it later . Be the better person

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Your heart wants to hear that she is sorry. Even if she can’t say it, know that her soul is sorry. Give yourself the apology. I don’t know how you move passed the feeling of being obligated. I don’t know that you can. But you showing up for her now, is healing you in some ways. And doing this won’t leave you with any regret like not doing it might. Big hug. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such big emotions.

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Tell her how you feel. Ask her for a sincere apology.

I feel for you. I understand completely. If you would like to message me I would be happy to talk with you

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I can’t image my girls feeling that way bout me

If you need to talk or jus vent, I’m here. I can totally relate…my mother was the same as yours, maybe a lil more so unfortunately. My mom has passed now, but I told her I loved her before she passed…but I’m still bothered about it…there was a strange moment before she passed…she called me every 10 min but she could not talk…I kept answering and even tho she didn’t talk I jus kept sayin I love you mom…she passed that morning….I’m at peace but I still wonder a lot…like what did she want to say in that phone call… why did she keep calling me every 10 min… I have to live with this….Well, again if you need me, I am here :two_hearts:

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Try to forgive her, and be there for her

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Hugs and prayers. I’m not sure how to say this. Do it for you and your peace of mind. Be free of regrets. If i’ve hurt you that was not my intent. Many prayers for you and Mom.

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Trying to be there if you can . She your mom. Sorry you had a bad childhood. Try and make amens with her.

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I am glad I was able to do for my mom what she had not done for me, I have peace in my heart!! Do it for you!!

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Have you tried talking to her, telling her these things? Because sometimes you’ll be surprised by how much ppl have changed. And even tho may hurt her feelings, the truth is always better than bs.

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Your Mom will always be your mom this resentment your have in your heart towards her when you were younger has made you fill cold towards her now her body is stricken with cancer now you have to take care of your mom that you are forcing yourself to do You have got to find it in your heart and talk to her how you fill before it’s to late cause you are going to regret that you didn’t talk about what’s bothering you God said that if you forgive the God in heaven will forgive you She’s your mom when you go in prayer and tell God how you fill He will help you through it Love covers a multitude of sin This is Gods way of letting you know to tell your mom that you forgive her so that you can be free whenever she leave this life I’m sure she sad for the way she did you one day you will be able to help someone going through the same thing :pray:t4::rose::pray:t4::rose::pray:t4::rose::revolving_hearts::revolving_hearts::revolving_hearts:

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I get how you feel
But I know if I could have had just
One more day with my mom
I would find it in my heart to forgive her and tell her that I love her
I grew up emotionally detached from my mom
She passed in 2011 and I regret it
Fortunately I was able to see her 24 hours before she died of cancer
But do what’s in your heart

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You need to start with some good old forgiveness.

Not for her…For yourself…the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

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Be the better person. Now is the time to create better memories

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Try to forgive her and tell her how you feel see what she says

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Tell how you feel. Forgive her. Put her in a home. Take care of you and your kids

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I know it’s hard. I helped my great grandma… it’s very emotional draining. Try to get her a caregiver. If in California IHSS. That way you can just go visit. You will feel better.

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Maybe this is a healing time for you both. No one ever said life was easy. Take it one day at a time. And I commend you for putting your foot forward.

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Good for you i have always been told that the bible says honor they father and mother.I know some don’t deserve to be honored but they sure have their reasons not to

Maybe you should talk to her about things. Me personally, I was in a emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically & more …abusive marriage for 22 years. My children were and still are everything to me. However, their dad didn’t like that. He had to have everything revolved around him. My kids didn’t see it cause they were little. Dad was the best…Mom became the worst. He was their friend. I was their parent. They didn’t see a side to him that I seen. The side that told me how worthless and hated I was. That no one wanted to be around me. They know he ran off and drank & disappeared for hours & hours. They didn’t like it when they were little. Even later as adults they told people how they hated how he treated me. But then somehow…now 2 of them won’t speak to me. He’s lied & manipulated everything that’s ever happened. He believes his “own version” of things so much that they believe him when he says it. I can’t fault them really…he eventually convinced Mr things didn’t happen the way they did too. I know better. My point is that I became so involved in keeping the peace with him …that my kids I believe feel the same way as you. So whether this rings true to you or not…you never really know…your mother could have never told you. Or let you believe whatever you want. And I could be wrong. But one mother to another…We keep secrets from our children as best we can so not to hurt them! And another side of this…maybe that’s how she grew up…feeling unloved. Maybe she didn’t know how to show it cause no one showed it to her. This cancel culture stuff has gotten out of hand. Best wishes to you. Talk to & forgive your mother.

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Keep being there , my Mom had cancer for 8 1/2 years. It’s been 3 1/2 years since She passed away she was my best friend and I still think about all the little fights we got into , all the things I did wrong as a teenager. It

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Send a replacement, someone or something else that has the time to waste.

You don’t have to forgive your mum for the past … but I can tell you that in years to come you will never forgive yourself for not being there. Do this for you please :heart:

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I get it. It’s hard I know. Just remember that you are a better person and you will feel better for doing your part. Her lack of action when you needed her is something she will have to answer for eventually. Be the example. That way you have zero regrets. We are all a work in progress.

If you didn’t hold it against her we wouldn’t know and you would be there, it don’t hurt to be the bigger person and just do the right thing. I had a parent who only cared about himself then got deported and I supported him for 10 years and refused to visit him cuz I was upset then he died out of the blue… it’ll just eat you up at the end, just try your best🥰good luck

You have to tell her, she wants to tell you but doesn’t know how. Trust and believe you will make amends if you’re open to it

Just be there & love her as your MOTHER, that was given to you from God!! No one gets to choose their mother& father, so at least honor her like the BIBLE teaches us!!prayers sent your way!:sob::broken_heart::pray::pray::pray::two_hearts:

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You can be there for her and also have a long overdue conversation about your feelings.

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I think maybe you need to forgive both your parents and forgive yourself for the way you have felt about them in the past. You can forgive in your mind so not to start up anything all over again, Should lift a load off and make you feel better

Forgive her. I lost my Mom from cancer and we had a rocky relationship! I always felt she hated me. She wanted my Sisters attention but she was too busy! I pray and ask God to help me understand why things weren’t different between us. I’m starting to let go of bad feelings after so many years! I always loved her! I miss her terribly now I have to call a truce with her in Heaven. Love your Mamma , go see her and try to work through it all. Her days are numbered. You won’t regret it!

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Regardless shes still your mom

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I pray u make peace because the day god takes her its going to be really late

Be kind and gentle to your self, and don’t stress over it all. This will hurt you more in the long run. Take a deep breath, and let her know you forgive her for how she treated you and then let it go. Telling her while she is lucid will give you some peace of mind.

You only have to honor your parents, if theyre honorable.
But I commend you on you maturity in being there for her.

You just dont have to feel guilt for not feeling it the way you think u should

Friend lost two babies!:sob:
Mommas please read ans help me get this shared!!!

Your post hit a nerve :pensive:From my own experience, I grew up thinking my mom hated me, She was very abusive and aloof most times. Only cares for her boyfriend at the time and my little sister (his daughter) . I left my moms house at the age of 15 and never looked back. I held a grudge , lots of resentment. Time moving forward, after the pandemic she started reaching out to me a lot more. She never apologized or even acknowledged anything she did to me. Now, she is suffering from Dementia :pensive::pensive:And she doesn’t even remember when we speak. Please, just forgive her for your souls sake. Be there for her . You will feel so much better. Good luck and God bless :heart:

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I’ve learned through the years that you don’t have to “like” family members. You don’t have to approve of the way they live their lives. You don’t have to feel bad for feeling indifferent towards them.

You are an adult. Your mom is an adult. You are 2 different people, living your lives in 2 different ways. And that’s okay. Acknowledge that you each have the right to do so. Acknowledge that you can’t control anyone else except your self & your own life.

Once you can truly let go of any hurt that you feel your mom has caused you, you will feel much better towards her. Different people show love and affection in different ways. The fact that your mom doesn’t show it in the same way that you wish she would have all these years, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Take the time that you spend with her to be honest with her about how you feel, and why you feel the way you do. Understand that part of the reason you feel the way you do is because you love her. You love her, and expected more from her as your mom.

I don’t know what type of cancer she has, or what her prognosis is, but I’ve lost my mom and both of my sisters to cancer (as well as other family members). I’ve lost my dad to heart disease. The one thing I hold onto that helps me through every single day of missing them, is that I had, and took, the opportunity to be honest with each of them about our relationships, and about my feelings toward each of them. Above all, above any of the negative, I loved them and felt blessed to have them in my life.

I can’t speak for you or your mother, but I can tell you it made all the difference in my life. One day you will look back on these days, and trust me, you WILL think of them often … how do you want to remember these days, and your mother, and how you acted toward her during her time of need?

You’re not over the hurt, and you probably never will be. It will be a scar from an open wound that just wouldn’t heal. But the scar is not who you are … it is just a reminder of something you once went through. Don’t allow it to keep you from being the person you want to become. Respect it for what you have learned from it, and move forward.

Good luck, my friend.

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A family makes stronger kids. If she wasn’t like that do you think you’d even been be strong enough to do so? I love my kid’s dad, and care very much about our relationship. If our love isn’t strong enough, we cannot properly love our kids or have a solid foundation for them to not only grow up but to strive.

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so be the better person. she’s still your mother.

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I understand don’t even know what to say cause I’m
Going through the same thing

And no answer is right

Be what it is,live on

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Have that difficult conversation. Ask the questions and forgive for yourself.

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I don’t care what your mom did to you if she asked Jesus to forgive her then you should forgive her that’s the only Mom you will ever have so do what God would want you to do and that is help your mother out amen

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Forgiveness dose Wonder’s. Take it from myself, of having an absent parent. My mum raised all 4 of us kids practically by herself. :sparkling_heart:
I forgive my other parent. I love them but also find it hard.
Always try to be their though. No matter how hard you have trained you’re brain to stay safe from abandonment. Failure and shame. Let it go for now and just try to be the better person. It’ll make you realise how strong you are.

You’ve got this. I promise.

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There’s really no easy answer here. The only suggestion I have is look at whether or not you want to build a new relationship with her and if she’s wanting you in her life, maybe it is possible for that to happen. But it would require some soul searching from you and perhaps some very frank conversations with her about how you feel but that you’d like to work on that (if that’s something you may want).
If building bridges isn’t something you’re wanting to invest energy in to (and I understand that), just use this time to be a kind person where possible. You aren’t her, don’t let the hurt she inflicted shape how you treat others but do things in your own way that you can feel okay with.

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It’s okay how,you feel. Don’t bash yourself up. You have detached yourself from the hurt. But whatever you can give to your mum do it. Whatever it is from you is enough. Hope I’m making sense

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I Think :thinking: this is the most stupid ever,… You only have 1Mother enjoy while it lasts… Take it from me!!! You’ll regret it later if you didn’t take the CHANCE…SHE DID BIRTH YOU… If you don’t you’ll NEVER have closure Sweetheart :kissing_heart: I wish you the Best Bub

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This is a time where you may need to look head on on how you feel about things, find a way to communicate with her, make peace with the past and with her. Find forgiveness because this is the time to sort it all out.

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I don’t think you will ever forgive yourself if she passed and you didn’t resolve your issues.
You need to talk with her so you can have peace in your life :grinning:

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Idk I mean if I didn’t have a connection with my mom I wouldn’t be there. I don’t think it’s right to be there just because she has cancer. I know that sounds heartless but you need to do what is best for you.

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Would you regret not being there in the end?

You are going true the same thing that i am goinh true. Don’t bash yourself it okay to feel the way you feel. But keep in mind all that you been true with her and now the cancer are you okay when she passes? Or is there something inside you saying you might regret it.

I cut my mom off but that has his own reason. If you wanna know how i decided just dm me. Or someone to speak to my inbox is open.

It’s not easy and will not get easy

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I went through something similar . I treated my mother like a friend who needed help . I always said I think I loved my mum but I certainly didn’t like her . We ended up looking after her for 18 years .

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This might be one of the last times you will get to be open and honest with her about how you feel. You may not want any regrets or what-ifs later. But you do not have to feel guilty, it is your mother’s job to pursue and repair your relationship in my eyes. You can’t do anything to change her mind about how it all went down… As they say “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink”

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That’s in the past let it go and be there for her it will benefit you as much as her​:heavy_heart_exclamation::pray:

You can choose to be like her when you needed her, or find each other, mb have a wonderful few years left to enjoy one another. The past is gone. Be the light for the future. My Mom died 16years ago. And I wish, now that im older, that I have been more understanding, more loving, now that Im almost 44. Some things just make more sense. But I cant change back time, to have her back, even just for a coffee. Give it all you have… eith lots of love. Then you will live without regrets

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I didn’t get along with my mom very well and when she died I realized she was the best mom anyone could have asked for try to resolve whatever problems there are between u or Ull live with it forever

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It sounds like you still hold it against her, even though you claim not to. We only have one mother in life and our faith to guide us.

Forget the past take advantage of what time you have left with her if you can

What would Jesus do?

I feel this on a deep level, My father has Leukemia and I find myself not able to be supportive or even listen to him about it. He has contributed zero for 46 years now and I just can’t find it in me to be his support. I just can’t. I wont. More so - I told him I don’t owe you anything now that you are sick as you have literally been the most self-absorbed a$$hat my entire life.
.

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Honestly I think you’re being selfish….parents aren’t perfect. No doubt she knows she didn’t get it right all the time…it’s unfair to hold it against her for the rest of her life and yours. God forbid your children decide one day that you were an unacceptable parent. Being a parent is hard, we don’t always get it right. We have are all trying to balance love, life, work, families and our own insecurities and issues AND raise happy well adjusted kids. I don’t think it’s fair to judge her, when you weren’t living her life, facing her struggles (which you probably knew nothing about) and walking in her shoes. Time to grow up and show some grace.

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Yes its in the past but u need to tell her whu u might not be so exited to see her let her no and tell her how it made u feel im sure she allready knows but tell her i want to tell u something there was a point in my life were i was haveing to much fun being young and dum cps got called on me not by my mom but the thing was that they dident have my address all they had was hers so they actually came to my moms house a week before they ever found me i felt like she should of told me they came by but in sted she call me tells me im takeing ur kids but never told me about cps if i would of none i would of straighten up so quick but she allowed me her own daughter to experience that when she could of prevented it so needless to say i tryed to take care of her cause no matter what i still love my mom but i can tell i i wasent a very careing care giver but thats when i fineally had to tell her what that did to me and really i dont think she gave me any answers but just leetting her no took all that off my heavy heart and god bless my momma cause ues she hurt me but fuck i love my momma so u meed to be there for her tell her how u feel tell her ur sorry u feel that way but thats what it has done ro u i promise u will find a way to feel for her u will understand maybe why she was like that just talk to ur mom and stay beside her why shes dieing she loves u and u both need this time to gather cause its gone after that just please if u love her u will meed to be there for ur self and for ur future

I laid with my momma for 3 days while she was in the dieing stage of life and i tell u i am honered that she wanted me there i loved my mom so much and shes done a lot of shitty things but she dident no it would affect me the way it did and she purposely dident despitefly hurt me so its ok for me now look at maybe qho raised her undrstand maybe whe shes like rhat it might not evan be her fault kust think about the good days and love her its scary to be the one dieing i no cause my mom was tough but she was so weak the last three days and i stayed with her and held her maybe u will be the one to show her how u wanted ro be treated maybe she had no idea she wasent giving u enough love but i proimise u hold ur

Mom through this show her that love u needed from her and it will heal the both of u as u say good bye dont do what ur doing u will regret it

You need to be there for your mom no matter what. I’ve never had a close relationship with my mom in my lifetime. It was always with my dad. Now my dad has passed and I’ve haven’t seen my mom in over a year now. I’m now going to try and see her and do my best to get along. My dad would if wanted me to do that,

I watched cancer take my mother and I wish I would have spent more time with her before she was gone. You don’t really think about it until it’s real. You don’t know how much time you really have with someone.

Bite the bullet put all the pass in the pass . You can forgive but cannot not forget. Look at things differently at this stage. I wish u luck

Hang in there. It’s exhausting & emotionally draining for everyone who goes through it. Try not to feel guilty. It’s OK to be analytical about this.

Pray, call & visit when u can or want to, sometimes we can’t change things but u are making a effort now, u can’t turn back time but u can do what your hearts leads u threw, so u want have any regrets, :heart::pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2::heart:,

I just soon mine was not there if they felt like that

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Please get some therapy. This isn’t fair but you basically have to accept the parenting you didn’t get, forgive her & parent her right now as well. I’m sorry.

I will say you’re an amazing person which is why you feel guilt and self awareness and accountability. Feel your feelings, just dont stay with them.

self reflection is good — keep working through it.

You know what hard to get past shit forced on you in your childhood. Treat her like you would anyone going through cancer. Make sure she makes her appts etc maybe help her with meals the logistical stuff, you don’t have to be her emotional support as well.

It is called FORGIVENESS, You need to forgive her to move forward. I did it with my Father and I feel 100% better in everything.

Maybe you need to have a very big heart to heart talk with her for you to get over it, because if you havent fixed things before anything bad happens you will always feel guilty and never be at peace