Blah blah blah! She doesn’t have to be around anyone she feels is negative or toxic for her. If you guys really love and respect your mom then make a way to make memories with her without the in laws. If you don’t you WILL regret it immensely when she’s gone. That is your mom for goodness sake. This shouldn’t even be an issue for either of you or your spouses.
just invite her, let her decline and get together with just her on a different day… if she doesn t want to come to the big ‘do’ then fine…don t feel bad about it…but don’t try and push her into it either. some people just don t get over divorce etc. very well. seems silly to us maybe…but…us up to her…
Have a separate, smaller intimate time spent with her and then enjoy your family’s larger more comprehensive gathering. What fun it is to get together with as many family as can gather!
Stop catering to her. If she chooses not to come then its on her and i would tell her that from now on all get togethers will be with everyone and her. Let her know that is she chooses not to come that you will not go out of your way anymore.
You definitely shouldn’t have to have to parties two pacify your mother.
We split holidays. Didn’t hurt is younger ones. One day Mom will be gone and you will miss her. Try to work it out with just her kids. You can do it.
Have holidays with family…after a few times of being alone on holidays she will figure it out
It’s nice that you include your mother. I think it’s up to her whether she wants to come.
Sorry but your mum sounds narcissistic. Blaming others and that attitude of not my family 
all the best 
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How old were you. When the divorce happened ?
Maybe she bitter because your dad was an ass hat
Who broke her
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Plan it tell her when and what time tell her she’s welcome to come … If not that’s on her
Put her out of her misery.
She probably smells a snake
invite her & forget it ~
Well then she gonna miss alot of fun times.
Just go on with plans…if mother attends.good …if not better luck next time.Introverts are just ok being alone and there’s no need to change that.why I said this is because I’m one of their kind and I understand them.
i dnt personally like get together even with people who like me .it doesnt mean i dnt like them im not just at ease with the idea of hanging out. with lots of people even with my immediate family brothers inlaws or my friends ,it tires me drains me i dnt know…maybe just let her be…shell get out of the shell when she wants to …
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She sounds a little bit like me and my mom was worse. My daughter always invites me. And I really like her in-laws they are good and friendly. But I sometimes get very uncontrable when they are around. I don’t know why. They want all of us to spend the night when I am up there and they have a large beautiful home. But I just can’t not comfortable at all. I know it’s me but I can’t help it. Just keep inviting her. Maybe she will come around eventually or maybe the ladies can get together before hand have a shopping day or something. Have some fun with her and the in-laws during the year b4 hand
How about letting mom plan the next get together with her family?
Some ppl just don’t like large gatherings and there’s nothing wrong with that. I myself refuse to go to some family functions because I don’t like ppl whether it’s family or not. Let her be and maybe just rotate holidays where the in-laws aren’t there
Maybe try inviting her over early before everyone else on the day you do the get together. So she can spend one on one time with you and your immediate family while things are getting set up before everyone else arrives. And then if it’s the anxiety factor she can choose to leave early when everyone arrives but still get some time with you and your kids. You can’t make everyone happy all the time, you can only offer options and hope they will be content with one.
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Have your mom plan and host an event where she invites who she wants. Maybe make it an annual thing in the summer away from the holidays?
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Leave her alone some people want to keep their circle small let her !!
I mean invite her, but she doesn’t have to come. If she doesn’t want to be around all the others she shouldn’t be forced to 
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Invite her and leave it up to her to attend or not. You can’t force her to want to be a part of it. It could potentially ruin it for everyone involved if she attends miserably, especially you because you would be her person to complain to. If she refuses to attend plan something on a different day with her, just so she can’t complain you don’t make an effort… other then that let her stew in her own misery. It’s her choice to be bitter.
She is the parent… she shouldn’t make you choose nor make you miserable! She sounds like she likes to be the “victim” in this whole thing… she gets left out, she got divorced, she got wronged… instead of d rising above it and be happy, she chose to stay spiteful and miserable. DON’T let her drag you down, or make you feel guilty. You are not responsible to fix her life!!
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Let her be miserable alone don’t let that affect you…you will become bitter too!!!
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So do as my MIL does … she will do family get togethers with all her sons and wives ( grand kids ) like a week before Thanksgiving ( as her Thanksgiving) and then she splits Christmas one year it’s with her the next year she will do Christmas eve … let her have her family time and then spend the other with all the in laws … birthday’s I your having a big party and she dont want to attend then thats on her
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Plan a family get together including your in laws. Invite her and if she doesn’t show up then that’s on her. 🤷
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Make the plans. If she shows, she shows. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Thats on her.
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Invite her, but ask her to stay only for a shorter time period.
While our large extended family often spends the entire day opening gifts, having dinner, and perhaps playing games after; that is too much for my mom.
So someone ducks out and picks her up half an hour before dinner, she chats for a few minutes, eats with all of us, may or may not help clear the table and stay for coffee; and then someone else ducks out and runs her home.
We tried getting her to Uber in and out, but she wasn’t having that. And we decided that maybe that is too much to ask of an inflexible 85 year old…
So far this compromise seems to be working, and it’s MUCH better than having to pack up and run to multiple events.
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Maybe your mom just wants time with you and your brother so maybe you should make her feel special and just have time with her
I’d tell her then she’s unfortunately going to be left out that that hurts you but that because of all the factors this is what works best for you. She’s a grown woman. Maybe if she wants to celebrate another way she can make the effort and come to you? But this is what you’ll be doing and you hope she comes around and changes her mind.
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Maybe she has social anxiety ? Make a day for her only. She’s your mama and should be the most important person x
Does she have an anxiety disorder or mental illness by chance? Sometimes that makes socializing with big groups super hard. My family has to plan an extra celebration day for holidays and stuff because I’m agoraphobic and do not leave my house. If she doesn’t have anxiety issues and is just being difficult, I would celebrate all of the holidays and birthdays on the same day with her once a year so I didn’t have to stress about every single one throughout the year. She would get Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays on one weekend and if she pitched a fit I wouldn’t plan to include her in anything since she is being difficult.
What a bunch of heart felt malarkey! Wow I feel warm all over!
You can enjoy your other family, but fir the most part, she needs you and your brother and your families to herself! Do things separately to make each family have their Aline time with you guys! She deserves that! At least try and maybe every so often like bdays have all together with both families. I have four married kids! We rarely see the other in-laws except bdays. We alternate so we each have our time!
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It’s time for you to stop catering to her. You set up whatever it is that you all can do. Let her know she’s invited and it’s the only time you all have made available. Also let her know you’ll see her the regular time you do if she doesn’t show up. You’re letting her get her way so it’s time to stop.
If she refuses that’s on her…plan them…tell her this is what you’re doing & she can be part of it or not
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Do NOT bend to her will. Have your big party and invite her. If she doesn’t want to come then that’s her loss. My sons birthday parties are for both sides and both sides come. That’s it.
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Your mom is longing for that close time she had with you when you were children. She was obviously very hurt over her divorce and needs your love and closeness. Putting her on the same level as all your new relatives makes her feel insignificant and perhaps abandoned by her children. You have only one mom. One day she will be gone. Give her the love she needs now.
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I have a split family as well. If mom didn’t want to come I’d tell her she is welcome and will miss her if she doesn’t show up. No point in putting my life and my kids’ lives on hold for one anti-social party pooper.
Too bad so sad! If she really wanted to see you she would regardless of the circumstances! Sounds slightly narcissistic on her part. She will come around and if she doesn’t, sounds like she couldn’t care less unless she is centre of attention!
I am divorced from my children’s father, about 16 years, and he and I and our significant others have no problem with being together at weddings, and grandchildren’s birthdays. My daughter-in-laws parents are there. No problem. We haven’t done Christmas or Thanksgiving. But it would be fine with me.
Get on get the families together, children need to know their cousins aunties etc, life is too short. Dont tell mum get on wirh it, mum needs to except it and move on. Wishing you and your extended family best wishes have lots of fun and make good memories
Many ppl experience social anxiety or negative emotions in extended family gatherings. Perhaps she would benefit from working with a therapist to discuss her discomfort.
Depends on how much you love and want to spend time with your mother. If she is important enough to set aside a little bit of time during the holidays, then do it. If not, then invite her to the group party, maybe she will come. It depends on where your proprieties lay. You only have one mother, and tomorrow is not promised, though.
Sounds like she is opting out and that is her choice. Having that much family and trying to see everyone is stressful and if a big gathering happens and you mom won’t go then she misses out. Guilting you and your brother to only come see her is clearly not fair to you and your brother. I guess the 2 of you will have to see your mom after the big get together for a bit or see her on another visit but don’t feel guilty because she is manipulating you to always see her and not anyone else.
Had the same problem. My Mother would not attend my daughter’s wedding if my Dad was there, and he was the one that was giving her away. My husband (my daughters step-dad) went to my Mom’s house, and told her, “I will be here that morning to pick you up. If you’re dressed - great. If not, you’re going as is. This is your granddaughters day, not yours”. She showed up and ended up having a nice time. The family events were few and far between because my Mom was anti-social as well. We enjoyed our family get together without her. Her choice, not ours.
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If our family has learned anything from a similar sistuation is fo not let her dictate. Have a seperate dinner at your chosen time with your immediate family and her only. We wished we had done this sooner. The time can be a month earlier or later but learn to not let her manipulate.
First of all she is your Mother, respect how she feels,sounds like she has been thru hell and back at some points in her life. Sounds like she has anxiety and a few other medical issues. Stepping out of her comfort zone can be hell in itself. Not everyone likes big family gatherings.
Why even request such a thing from her.
Have you ever thought having to many people around your mother isn’t good for her she mite not cope with it I know I don’t like it my self trying talking to her about it remember you said you both got massive family so all of them together in one go is not good she could be stuffing depression anxiety & she could be suffering with ptsd because of the break up even tho it was that long ago can still affect some people & if that’s the case then it’s wrong of you to expect her to go to family advents when she can’t cope with it it’s just like your mum Forcing you to face your Fears
Plan get to gatherings with your inlaws invite mom if she doesn’t come that is on her and move on
Just host at your house!!!
Idk… You could look at this many different ways… But it seems like she does WANT to be a part of your and your kid’s lives. She just doesn’t want to be in a big group of people that she doesn’t know well. May e over the next year try to slowly and inconspicuously introduce them - in SMALL dinner or lunch get-togethers. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions and push her out of the family.