Your dad probably cares about her anger in the least. We are only forgiven as we forgive others. God help her. Pray for her. J
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Iâd day respect her choices, the consequences are hers to deal with, not in a nasty way but if you canât accommodate her , you canât, she can choose to join the big get together or not. And u canât really bully her for that, her decided self exclusion is probably painful enough. Unless she keeps demanding her own get together despite what youâve said, then it should be ignored. Sometimes life gets busy, everyone has to be flexible esp when there are demanding jobs and kids involved. X
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Plan your get togethers if she does not want to come thatâs on her. Donât sweat over it. Itâs her choice to be antisocial and not attend. You extended the invitation⌠Itâs up to her
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Do not force anyone to attend something. Encourage, have a real talk with your mother, try to find the real issue. Is she an introvert, how do your in-laws treat her, what is the real reason.
My mom is exactly the same. She refuse most kinds of family celebration. What my siblings and I do is we separate our gathering with her. My mom is a widow for years now and sometimes she feels left out when she tries to get involved. Its important that we validate her feelings first because she was your family first before your husband. She may be selfish but she was just hurt.
We had a similar issue with my lovely MIL. We tricked her into having a fabulous Christmas by saying it would only be us then the whole family turned up.
I didnât like deceiving her but the whole family made such a fuss of her that she forgave us but, sadly, it turned out to be her last Christmas.
We have the same situation.
We just have two different get togethers, for Christmas we have a get together at our place the weekend before Christmas and then a different get together at her house for Christmas, and so on.
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You tried so just donât include her and eventually sheâll get the message
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It sounds like a serious case of anxiety to me⌠I dont know her⌠and I donât know the details but⌠why not just have a day with her then? Whatâs the big deal? Maybe if your birthday is on the Saturday have something with her on the Sunday. Or have new years eve with your family and new years day with your momâŚ
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This is the thing. Your mom is a grown woman. If she doesnât want to be apart of things then thatâs her choice. You and your bother are grown and found something that works for you. Keep doing what works for you and your family. Invite your mom but if she doesnât want to come then, that is her loss. She will eventually understand that if she wants to be apart of things then she needs to accept everyone and join in. Or she wonât and things will stay as they are. This is your momâs issue not yours.
Compromise⌠Ask her to host a family get together in which she can invite anyone she wants and you will continue to have your get togetherâs that is free to attend. In order to compromise with this same situation when daughter had her own family was, I let the other members have their holidays but I got Halloween which was a special holiday for me and my children when they were little. There are enough holidays for everyone to pick one to host.
Let her be. Sheâs been that way her whole life. She has grandkids so she must not be young. Donât spend the rest of her life trying to change her. Just concentrate on doing you and being a good person. Make time to see her and stop making it an issue. Youâll be happier.
No disrespect but itâs not all about her if she wants to get together with her family great and if she doesnât then thatâs OK too she has a choice if you really wanted to you could do something before the holiday or birthday or after itâs just her but to me if she should put her big girl panties on and do what is best for her family it is so hard on your kids when parents donât act right itâs not OK
Itâs your mom. My mom doesnât come to our house a my house any more. I take her food and love to see her. I will not hurt my mother feelings for any thing in the world. That the only mom I have. I love my mom. My dad is not here any more. I miss him. God bless you and family.
If she doesnât want to be there with family get togetherâs with the in-laws, thatâs her problem. She needs to get over it.
To be honest Iâm with your mum on this one. I canât think of anything worse than getting together with in laws and family ugh. If thats being anti social then fine with me. Sometimes people just want a little bit of quality time with their own family. I actually feel quite sorry for her and can see her point entirely.
Maybe she cant stand the exâs wife, maybe the marriage and divorce had such a bad impact on her. I was in a similar situation once and took me years to sort myself out. Try arranging just a few hours now and again to have some time with your mum. Just your mum. It will make such a difference to her.
I donât like big groups or parties and people think Iâm antisocial but Iâm a introvert and also hate loud sounds and noises etc. I wouldnât try forcing my mother into a situation that makes her unhappy due to my own selfishness. It maybe easier for you and your brother but you can always invite her over for the weekend.
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Have the get-together without her and have a small dinner with her, your brother and children, if any.
She doesnât have to they are yours not hers I donât with my children only at wedding s our births
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Could you split holidays. See one family for Thanksgiving and then another for Christmas type of thing?
I feel like with large families this is something that happens. When I was young we would go to 3 or 4 houses for each holiday. My sister and I absolutely hated it.
You can always plan Christmas in July. My family always talked about how fun that would be. I always figured it would lower the Holiday stress level.
Plus, I understand being bitter about the divorce. I am pretty sure that I will never get remarried because the first time of going through a divorce was extremely painful for me. Why would I want to go through that non-sense again?
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She feels lonely and maybe like she doesnât belong. It might be hard for her since your dad moved on and is happy and sheâs still single. When she gets together with everyone Iâm guessing she looks around and sees how happy everyone is and she misses that. Some people ( introverts) donât like being around a crowd of people and are made to feel like they have to get in on conversation. Obviously sheâs uncomfortable and probably sad about it all. Cut her a break. When my kids were small we had to go to four different houses for the holidays. We did it and everyone was happy.
As someone that worked Sundays and holidays for 25 years, I get that extra problem, but I was single and basically all the relatives lived in the same town until the next generation married and theyâre all more spread out, but that doesnât affect me in any way! My paternal grandmother hated her one daughter-in-law and my grandparents always lived on the first floor of whatever house we lived in! The other DIL came to our house to see my grandparents , but as soon as she left, my grandmother would throw her gift in the garbage! And even after my parents divorced , my dad was always over for holiday dinner( my parents had owned 2 neighboring houses and he stayed in one and we in the other)! The separation and divorce was a lot better than their marriage! I was thinking that you guys may have to plan a special âholidayâ with your mother before the actual holiday , especially because of your work schedules! I donât think your mother is going to change, but sheâs an adult, not a child and needs to understand itâs not all about her and itâs not going to go back to how she remembers ! Itâs hard enough to try and please everyone and see everyone on holidays! Itâs changed in our family so much in the last decade+! Seems like your mother is never going to get over her feelings because she doesnât want to! But you have to think about your kids, etc.!
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Tell her to get over it or be alone. Iâm with my kids in-laws all the time and am alone and you make it work if you love your kids
Iâm a anti social person so I get your mom on that part, your in laws is not her family and she shouldnât have to go, her family is you ,her son and the people yâall married husband/wife and grandkids
Not her ex husband and his wife and their family.
And not yours partner and brother partner families.
Itâs hard to do different holidays but make the time for your mom .
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Well is there a reason for her to feel this way? Have they made her feel uncomfortable? If not then itâs on her.
Anxiety is a big issue, also I will never attend a get together with my ex, he traumatized me and emotionally abused me,so I get it
I would do anything in this world to have another dinner with my Mother. If shes alone no way would I leave her out of my life on these special occasions because I didnt feel like taking half a day to spend with her & make her happy. When shes gone youâll realize how petty the whole situation of trying to throw her in that mess of an ex & new wife, in-laws when she wants her own family to celebrate with.
Sounds like sheâs bitter all around and has a horrible mindset towards things. Maybe extend the invitation and if she doesnât come then thatâs on her. You can say you tried
I mean this is just me but I wouldnât cave or accommodate someone being so selfish
Yâall make plans & invite your mom., It is her choice to attend or not. Donât let her guilt you into making family gatherings stressful.
Iâd tell her that itâs to difficult to plan two different events when your brother and you have conflicting work schedules. So she can either attend the one get together or not at all. Itâs not your job to please everyone. I go my dads advice and only worry about the people under my roof.
I dread the day I get married and have to put up a Berlin wall between my mom and dad just to make it through my wedding day. I donât have any advice, just sympathy for you as my mother is like this as well.
Put yourself in her shoes, she has no one, maybe she feels left out. Maybe she feels she just exsists. And as long as she does want you all want, it doesnât matter how she feels. Just a thought.
It could be a deeper problem with your mum⌠you said your parents have been divorced a long time ⌠it could be whatever lead to divorce ⌠your mum probably feels youve sided with your father so shes hurting all these years later
My mother is the same way and my dad is remarried. I told them both these are your grandkids and if you come to my house you will be cordial. They came and my dad always gave my mom a kiss on the cheek when they left. My mother is still bitter and some circumstances led me to stop speaking with her. My kids are 18 and 21 and can see her whenever they want. They go to her house to see her. She still comes to my house for Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas even birthday. I keep the peace for the kids. My dad and stepmom now live in FL. My mom always told me that my father never loved me. I would never tell my kids that.
WowâŚIâm sorry that so many people assume that mom is bitterâŚor any other negative demeaning comments.
Unless youâve been in her shoesâŚ.how dare anyone judge how she reacts.
Perhaps she just doesnât want to be around so many people , maybe sheâs still hurt because she hasnât had a way to work through the divorce even after all these years.
If sheâs ok with not going then what harm is there to have a small get together with her son and daughter. Less hassle thatâs for sure.
Sounds like the person who has the âproblemâ is the daughter.
Spend time with your mom and stop all the extraneous bs.
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Perhaps she is like my mother was - just painfully shy as as I am. She nearly had a fit when we tried to arrange surprises on her significant birthdays. I learnt to accept as it got worse and even declined Christmas invites etc. It is very difficult, well near impossible, if you have this âphobiaâ as the feeling walking into a room of people is bery hard to explain. Have a real honest talk with your mother and perhaps you need to pick a holiday or her birthday to be for her and direct family and still leaves plenty of time with your inlaws and the whole big gang
Accept your mom for who she is. Donât be insulted that she doesnât want to attend extended family gatherings. Have your extended family gatherings and continue to invite her to drop by for as short or as long as she can handle. Also add some just-us family time when you can fit it into your schedule and budget, even if itâs thanks-christ-easter-mas in February
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Let her be. Itâs her mess, you canât force her to clean it up. Live your best life with your in-laws. Also spend quality time with your mom
every family has that .we do we have families all the Americas.some across the big pondâŚim still hereâŚpeople will come .itâs their choiceâŚbesides families are not as close any moreâŚ
The way I see it is that your mom is being selfish. Just invite her, and if she shows up great! If not, oh well. She is choosing to exclude herself from family functions. Itâs up to her whether she wants to miss out on those family gatherings. It sucks but thatâs her choice.
Get a calendar out and make a day for your mom. You may have alot of other relatives step and in laws but just one mom. So I would do what I could to still cherish her.
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one!
Cut her loose and allow her the opportunity to grow up!
Her choice.wants to be a spoiled sport then so be it.but dont let her choices ruin your having a fruiitful joyful life. Enjoy yourself.
Make your own plans⌠invite your mother⌠Itâs her decision to attend. Your life doesnât revolve around your mothers needs and wants.
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I personally get it. Not everybody is comfortable with large gatherings.
You plan what you want and if she chooooooses to not attend, thatâs her prerogative.
For reasons already listed by other people, you are being too harsh on your mother.
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Because She will have to suffer the punishment for mistakes or differences you had with your in laws by way of taunts and insults
Time to lave mom out a few times and see if she likes that or change her mind
Give her a warning basically . You need to tell her to GROW UP one, and that if she is gonna be a child and not attend with people then she doesnât need to come and yâall wonât be making another event to please her . They are her family as you married into that family and she probsly doesnât wanna see her ex husband with his new wife as she is bitter and isnât dating anybody . So Iâd tell her , either you grow up and show up for you children and grandchildren or you wonât be involved and miss out on family get togethers 
guarantee sheâll change her tood real quick . She thinks she can get sway with it , maybe because youâve done it in the past , so whatâs gonna happen is youâre going to say that and sheâll say fine wonât go (sheâll hope youâll budge) donât budge and stay firm , and after a while she will come around
Sorry but I agree with her. They are not her family and to many bad memories
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yeah just leave her out.every one will just be whispering when she gets there.cant please everyone.
You know itâs funny my bonus parents split up about 10-15 years ago and yet we still do holidays as one big family drama or no drama. When are you all gonna figure out it ainât about you or her or him or who the hell ever. If you canât put your difference aside than your just being petty as hell. She needs to grow up
We have two divorced n remarried grandparents n Iâm the still single grandparent⌠the couple grandparents rotate Christmas or Thanksgivings each year ⌠Christmas is what the kids really love cause they say they 3 Christmases 
which they coordinate their time n squeeze it in ⌠3 Christmas in 4-5 days ⌠is it really too much to ask but maybe she would be very happy with Thanksgiving n sharing it the way with your family n your brothers family⌠I see where sheâs coming from been there n completely understand âŚalways put everything thing aside for holidays n celebrations⌠Iâm not a social butterfly by no means but the older I get the less social I am 
I get along well with all the relatives thoughâŚIâm disheartened by some of the things being said⌠sheâs upset because of the inconvenience thatâs being caused by her Mother but thatâs her Mother!!! You might want to think about how many times and years you wanted or did things that was an inconvenience to her over the years of raising you?..Talk to the other families n work on things to make it happen now!! Thats your Mother and you only have one so you only have this time to get it rightâŚyou canât turn back the hands of time once their gone!! She may be a cranky old Mom but sheâs your Cranky Old Mother!!! Good Luck and God Bless !!!
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My family and my exes family (when we were together) always did holidays separate but never at my house, so I just had to bring something. Thanksgiving my family, Black Friday his. Passover - some people have seders the first 2 nights so we just did 1 night each family. Hanukkah is 8 nights so we were able to do 1 weekend night at each family no problem. Rosh Hashanah, see Passover. Yom Kippur break-fast I let his family have. Motherâs Day and a Fathers Day - 1 family brunch and 1 family dinner. Birthday party for my daughter - when my daughter was younger both sets of grandparents came. Both then and now each family has dinner with her on a weekend night and she has a friends party. Now that we are divorced it pretty much stayed the same which is great for my lo, with the exception of I get Motherâs Day and he gets Fathers Day. We both have small families with the grandparents all still married and we have 1 sibling each who had 2 kids. His family only does immediate family (max 8 ) for holidays but my family does cousins for some holidays, with max attendance around 24
Thatâs her choice, you just got to work around it. She will change her mind when she is ready, nothing you say or do will make any real difference. Just carry on without her.
Sometimes momâs need alone time with her babies 
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This is very sad. Pride and un forgiveness are two very bad things, that keep our blessings from flowingâŚ
Treat your mom like the child she is. Every other holiday is hersâŚ
So she will have every other holiday to weigh out her regrets. Sounds stubborn. Sounds like God needs to show her somethingâŚ
Thatâs just my opinion âŚ
Iâm dealing with not getting to know my , now 9 year old granddaughter, who my son fathered, before he died at the age of 21. In 2015.
Itâs my granddaughters 9th birthday 7/18/21, and I threw out a happy birthday to her on FB. Knowing she wonât see it. But maybe years to come, she may look me up and know I thought of her every yearâŚ
Who does this to another?
When Jesus says to love one another as he loves usâŚ
On another note, my ex husband is one of my family members, and heâs at all our holidays. My husband now, goes fishing and barbecues with my ex. If we ever need anything, heâs here for us.
As Parents we make enough mistakes in front of our children. But loving family and yes our extended family is a blessing. We must be examples to our children.
She said she donât want to so leave mom alone and just love her as she is
My dear I realize and understand that you love your mother and your father if they want to be in your life and your childrenâs life then they need to come to terms that when you have holidays and birthdays they can gather together and take photographs one person on one end of the familyâs picture one on the other side of the family so that way they can all still be in the photograph without saying a word you love them both and you want them to be happy and so she can be with whole entire family but you cannot make them be there I understand you want them all to be there and I get that but sometimes you have to make hard decisions and you must let them understand they can be in the same room without speaking to one another and everybody can have a great time but if they donât show up then thatâs their loss not yours and they will miss out on the most wonderful times thatâs all have they need to put their bitter side to rest and get on with life and start associating with you it is you and your brother must understand you cannot take away their paint but you can try to enjoy their life with you but if they choose not to attend any functions or holidays with you because of their other half that is going on with their life then you take special time explaining to that person that you love them and you want them to be there you can be sitting on the other side and give him or her some extra attention that way they donât feel like theyâre being neglected and your functions that way everybody will get along our family was in the same situations itâs time for them to grow up and be a adult and forget about what has happened in the past itâs got to look for the future so take my advice sit down with your mom and explain to her how much you love her and appreciate her and you want her to be there explain to her she could sit on the other side of the room she can also take photographs on the other side of the photograph and the other person on the other side you can still function as one family but you must take upon yourself not to feel guilty because itâs not your fault and they shouldnât make you and your brother feel guilty about one or the other night attending if they donât attend well thatâs there going to be lost not yours or your brothers so cheer up have your holidays and your birthday give them videos that way they will know hey maybe I need to show up take photographs of them that way they can attend the party where theyâre there or not so do not feel guilty about anyone not showing up because most important thing is is your Gatherings and memory so when theyâre gone you can look back and say oh look that I remember when mom showed up one time I remember when dad showed up one time but itâs okay just remember the most important thing is is not to be overwhelmed with no one shows up because your heart and your brotherâs heart is in a good place just know that you and your husband Iâve tried everything and if they donât show up thatâs fine to continue to make the plan keep inviting them letting them know how much do you love them and appreciate road to the show up or not it will be okay eventually they will show up pray about it and the Lord will take care of the rest God bless you and yâall take care my dear
Sheâs beinfg selfish I would not give in. She is bitter about her husband has new wife. So she. Is taking out on you and your Brother. I would go on with my life if she wants be there she will come
I think maybe you should except your mumâs wishes . If your dad broke her heart and she never learned to heal then seeing your dad happy with someone else would just hurt to much. They say time is a healer but in some situations it isnât true . You heal yourself and some people donât learn this particular skill x x good luck x x
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Gather family together, is something, sorry mama I have no advice. I remember my family gathers, wasnât good. Someone would want to fight. Crazy!!
Your mother is a sovereign being and has the right to spend her time with whomever she chooses⌠You canât force her to associate with anyone for any reason⌠Thereâs always a solution you can meet her for breakfast or she can come to your house⌠As you leave to go and spend time with people you personally want to spend time with.
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Leave her alone!!! She will be fineâŚdonât make an issue out of it!!! Go enjoy!!!
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If she canât join in with what youâre doing then she excluded herself.
Respect her wishesâŚshe has that right
Offer her the chance to.come. if she doesnt want to that is up to her
Just let her come at another time.
Leave her alone maybe just maybe she donât want to Deal with your in-laws I donât blame her .
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Invite her to big partyâŚ
If ya see her regularâŚthen celebrate on that day
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Wow you people are so insensitive to the momâŚ
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Sheâs going to miss out on a lot of love and family
Christmas at one family, Thanksgiving at the other.
Then flip flop the following year.
I would say âŚyou will be missedâŚand goâŚ
Sounds like you are finding excuses to disrespect ya mom sounds somewhat selfish on yâalls part
Then she misses out. Donât let her spoil your memories
Iâm sure you can find one other evening to get together with just your Mom. If she doesnât feel comfortable around all those other people, thatâs her right. She is still your Mom. Maybe the get together with her could be after Christmas, when you are not so busy. Figure it out. 
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Let her read your post and what everyone shares.
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A conscious business behaves like a responsible citizen in its communities.
Canât u see her side why would she
Donât try to force her or you will loose her too.
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I have a similar situation and I wish I knew the answer!
Iâd go on about my life
Plan one event and invite e try one. If your mother chooses not to attend that is her decision. Accept her decision and carry on. Sounds like she is holding you with her emotional blackmail. Donât get drawn in to her emotional unkindness. Good luckâŚ
You canât force a relationship. Just have your get togethers, and she will participate or not. Youâre not responsible for her happiness.
Family get togethers are important for your psyche, & sense of belonging. This is especially important for kids. Iâm a better person because I grew up my blood relatives. They are awesome & funâ¤ď¸. Your mom doesnât need to be be dictator, she needs psychiatric help. Donât let one bad apple spoil the apple pie of life.
Donât invite her⌠Itâs called tough love. Sheâll either see the error of her ways or she wonât⌠She is being childish and rude⌠You have to live your life without trying to make feel like you have to make everyone happy⌠Your job now is your family (husband and children).
My mother & father were bitter f o r e v e r after divorcing.
If itâs important to you that she come to events, work it out. Pick certain events of the year to have only your immediate families and your mother. Invite in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner⌠Invite just your mom to Christmas dinner. Etc.
Or you can keep doing what youâre doing and continue inviting her and see if she comes around.
You and your brother can throw her a surprise birthday party. That would be special.
Honestly dont let someone else drag you down. Those who cannot act like adults should stay home.
maybe she flat ass doesnât like emâ
Everyone is different, she will have to come to terms with dealing with in laws or miss out (which she might be totally good with)
If sheâs antisocial itâs wrong to push it. If she doesnât want to associate with certain people then itâs also wrong to push it. Sheâs happy doing things with u guys . Keep it that way. . Your being selfish
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Have your celebration with family then have a dinner with mom. Easy.
Invite her, if she doesnât come, her loss.
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just leave her out, regret is crazy
I would probably just quit inviting her. She seems really selfish and immature. If she doesnât want to come to holidays or whatever else than that is her loss.
Plan one party and invite everyone to it. Tell her that you will no longer be excluding anyone for her. Let her know she is welcome but you will not be put in the middle of her pettiness again.
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