My son is 5 years old and was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. He is a smart, brilliant and caring little boy and communicates very well.The only thing he really struggles with is behavior like not being able to focus on something for long periods of time and wants to try to run off. However I can’t help but feel like my mom is ashamed or embarrassed that her only grandchild is autistic. When she does talk about it she always asks about what kind of treatment he can get like it’s a disease that can be cured. And a couple days ago we went to visit some family and on the way there she asked me not to mention to them about him being autistic because she doesnt want them “gossiping” about it. My family loves my son to pieces. I know they would never treat him any differently. I just don’t know how to talk to her about how it makes me feel when she says stuff like that because she can get very defensive and offensive when you try to confront her about anything. What should I do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom seems ashamed of my autistic son
Get her some information on Autism. Educate her on it , so she understands it better . The more she understands, she should feel more comfortable with it
Educate her on it. I have a 21 year old son and he was the same way. I have 3 other children and I never once treated anyone of them different including him. He will be ok, it’s your mother I’m worried about.
Was he diagnosed by a Dr? Sounds like adhd as well. And yes education is key
Your son needs you. You must do what is best for you. If verbal communication is typically problematic maybe write her a letter and give her time blessings to you and yours
My grandson is also a high-functioning autistic boy. My son and DIL decided when he was a toddler not to have him “officially” diagnosed, as they didn’t want a label on him for the rest of his life. It was a very smart decision! They had him in all kinds of therapy as a toddler. Occupational, speech, etc. When he started kindergarten, they didn’t even mention it to anyone, knowing that if there were ever any issues at school with him, they would deal with it at that time. There never were! He is 10 now and doing fabulous and I think it was the best decision they ever made to not go around telling people or having him diagnosed. Just something to think about….
This just upsets me how ignorant some people can be
Everyone wants there children to be normal but I have not been able to ever work out what is normal. My son turns 50 this year and he has a long term relationship and 2 beautiful children but he does well very smart and a little bit tunnel vision but all is good.
Your mum may feel guilty, she also may not understand what Autism is. The term gets bantered around but people go oh yes but have no idea.
That’s not right I’m sorry I grew up with deaf relatives sign language n hearing sides n learned that many people are great fun loving smart even with disabilities!! Reality check for the ones that seem to judge others!! Pray nothing happens to them n they need help in daily simple life !!
Wow! My oldest grandson 12 was diagnosed at I think at 5 and he’s my pride and Joy actually was the first to notice something SPECIAL about him, he struggles, verbal, etc ! I also have 3 other grandbabies! Tell her how it makes you feel and I’m sure your baby notices it as well… how she reacts towards him . That’s really sad, Good luck Autism is another Gift from God
She reminds me of my mom and it isnt so much ashamed it is more like she doesn’t one understand truly what a gift our autistic children are but she will hell she had you and from what I can tell she raised a lovely woman second she is more about not seeing pity for you the boy or her its a bit annoying but I bet she would defend that child fiercely…talk one on one be direct and honest about your feelings and that it isnt a disease he is special she has to change how she thinks…good luck
Educate her, when she asks about treatment she may be asking about therapies, when saying not to mention it to anyone it may be her way to try and protect him. I don’t think it’s so much embarrassing to her, I think she may just lack knowledge.
I i have 2 grandsons that are autistic…my eldest is mute so can’t speak my youngest according to people has temper tantrums…unfortunately in todays society older people especially parents don’t realise the day to day needs of such a child …years ago especially my age group im 55 things were pushed under the carpet (pardon the phrase) but I love my grandchildren regardless whether they can speak yes my oldest grandson nearly 6 is mute and has massive problems osteoporosis etc etc my youngest grandson is showing same signs but I don’t show them they are disabled I encourage them to try new things my grandsons are my world but obviously other people judge especially when I take them out for food… my response to people tutting and shaking their heads is …plz take a moment and think because it could be your grandchildren hope this helps…many a true word spoken xx
Yes, I understand that, my son had Duchenne muscular dysyrophy and my Mom was embarrassed by my son needing a electric wheelchair to get around, they both are gone now, but I never forgave my Mom for that attitude.
Education is key. Most older generations do not understand. Some of them come from a time where you locked up loved ones who had disabilities in mental hospitals and never talked about it.
It sounds like its unfamiliar to her. Maybe you can take her to his next doctors appointment. Sometimes it’s can also be a generational thing to be embarrassed or ashamed about certain diagnoses. I would definitely share information with her so she can better understand it. One of my parents was like that about my autistic brother. They never wanted us to tell people that he was autistic and took MANY years for him to change that perspective. Be patient with her. Best wishes.
Perhaps see a professional counseling for you both together, the counsellor will help ask all the right questions and help you establish a convastion about it.
I know the feeling my son was recently found to have autism and I have had some family ask me about stuff just educate her about it calmly it can be a big adjustment for some teach her how to handle when he has a spout (thats what we call it in our house) my son is also high functioning but loud noise hurts his ears and can cause him to act out ive had to educate family that when that happens hold his arms but let him still hold his ears and tell him to breathe and he handles his feelings in a big way so when hes happy we celebrate with him when hes mad he gets tense just like the rest of us so we stretch tall like a giraffe and eat the leaves off the tree and we scrunch like a turtle hiding in his shell and when I explained that to them they seemed to understand and handle everything better I wish you luck mama i know what its like to feel stressed over it but we are autism proud its not a disability just a different outlook on life
Omg my grandson has autism and he is the love of my life I cannot imagine being that way I wouldn’t change a thing about him. Your mother is a awful person as your son knows how she feels about him . I would keep her away from him to protect his feelings. He is perfect the way he is and if she can’t love him for who he is she shouldn’t be around him at all.
My (now ex) mil threatened me that both the grandparents would have nothing to do if my daughter was born autistic/down’s syndrome/anything less than perfect (we had an abnormal triple screen done which triggered this conversation)…my now ex-husband pushed for a termination bc “his mother couldn’t handle it.”
I told him that I’d divorce him sooner than getting the baby terminated & told his mother, perfection is in the eye of the beholder…”you think your son is perfect when in reality he is a physically/mentally abusive narcissist…
Divorced with three “perfect” kids that will never fit into their father’s boxes that his mother created.
Stand proud, perfect is what you see.
Educate on it autism,
Invite her to some day camps and workshops. As a parent of a chronically ill child, I’ve found the social support as important as the medical support. Even if she won’t attend, if you go it might help you feel more empowered to deal with her and people like her
But her some books about it. Maybe she’ll have a better understanding
I understand this post so much! I have 3 kids all with different severities of Autism. It has been hard on me as well as I just feel like a burdon when I come to family things, so I just don’t anymore. The meltdowns, stimming and all their other beautiful quirky little things that they do, we as their momma’s understand these things, but other people don’t unfortunately. My parents seem stressed a lot when my kids are around. I have become an isolated parent for sure.
My son seen a shrink adhd and on meds next shrink said figity 2 meds heard about aspergers county school system tested positive got a parapro and I studied on line diets behavior and all
We faced very similar issues when we discovered our son was autistic, sounds very close to how your son is as well. He’s extremely intelligent, communicates well, and of course has his sensory issues and a lack of focus. His grandma would often feel irritated by his high energy, she and the school constantly kept asking if he was on a treatment plan or if there was medicine we could get him on to calm him down. It is very maddening… She refuses to watch him for us, saying “we took our kids everywhere with us, we didn’t have anyone to watch them for us,” despite the fact we have done 100% of his care on our own for the past 11 years and have never gotten a single break. We haven’t been out just the two us since before he was born, and on the rare occasion we just need to run to the store real quick (20 minute excursion), we do ask her to watch him and we get texts 15 min in asking how much longer we’ll be. So we stopped asking for any help a long time ago, not that we have any issue bringing him, we love being with him, but we’re exhausted and kind of half expected our family to step in and be supportive which so far only his grandpa is willing to do. It’d be better to keep them apart unfortunately, we do not bring our son around her because she constantly gets onto him, and she never has once spent any quality time with him. There is no bond to speak of between them, he just knows she lives next door and rarely sees her in passing. I never had a relationship with my grandparents and it depresses me he won’t have one either because of how intolerant our family is. It’s safer to just tell her no, and wait for the family that will love him unconditionally because that’s where the real bonds will form and who you can trust to make your son feel loved and safe.
Educate your mother!!!
My son has ADHD and high functioning autism. ASD level 1 without intellectual or language impairment. His social/emotional deficits placed him on the spectrum. If she’s ashamed screw her. My mom has very old fashion views on it, that autistic people are still sent to mental asylums or something. Teach her that different is not less. Autism doesn’t define anyone.
You are your child’s protection. Take this opportunity to defend him from someone who’s supposed to love him. You will spend your ENTIRE life defending him from the world. Autism is not new and information is readily available. She needs to educate herself. There is ZERO shame in being or having an autistic child.
I think it takes time for people to come around to the idea the child in their life has a problem. Give her a bit of time. Maybe if it’s possible (it might not be) see if she can come with you or be there to a therapy session. Just to understand what’s going on. That’s one way.
When I was diagnosed as having Cerebral Palsy I was at the time my dad’s parents only grandchild. I think it was hard for that side of the family to understand and accept. They weren’t used to that. My mom’s parents had more grandkids and a few issues so as the 3rd youngest it was easier to accept.
She may never. If she comes to you and says there are all cures say, ‘the brain is a complicated organ. You can’t just heal Autism.’
I think she is in denial and not well informed about autism just educate her about the subject and she will come around. She is probably not ashamed of your son.Educate her.
Tell her to fuck off if she dosent like it!
Education. No shame at all in autism, ADHD, Aspergers. Just different. I think it may be a generation difference. It’s not fair to ask you to hide it, you need and will continue to need support, as will your son. If it were diabetes, dyslexia would she ask you to do the same?
There are so many positives in bringing up a neuro diverse child and educating others and learning how to do our best for them is the least we can do. He is likely to hyper focus and excel at something as he gets a little older and this may help her see it can be a gift. The Curious incident of the Dog in the Night-time is very good. It’s probably mostly that she doesn’t understand.
Most likely in her day any type of “mental illness or mental incapability or mental retardation” was considered an “abomination “ like they seriously thought you could spread it to others! That’s how my grandma explained it to me. So she probably is sensitive to it. Just show her and tell her about it maybe have her be in one of the appts if they let her
My mum’s the same but I know it’s because she doesn’t understand it , but when/if she ever makes me feel like she’s ashamed of him I remind her he’s still a child he just sees the world differently and people understand more why he is like he is when they know he’s autistic they judge less and understand more. It’s literally education and helping people understand that he isn’t to be ashamed of he’s just a little different
Try using this, although he doesn’t fit to all of it. It certainly helps open minds xx
She’s your mom i understand but you need to protect your son by all means necessary. Keep your family away from your mom…
Yes, educate your mam. If you can’t find the words perhaps refer her to websites or fb pages. IF she still continues to act “ashamed” about it then you’ll have to talk to her about keeping her distance. Being autistic is like having blue eyes, its simply who you are and nothing will change that. How your child feels about being autistic and his “differences” comes from you. If you know he’s wonderful exactly the way he is then he’ll know that too… but if close family treat him like a problem then he’ll feel that instead. As for telling people, only tell people who should be aware. Ultimately its your child’s diagnosis and he may not want everyone to know his business when he’s older. There are plenty of autistic run fb groups and they provide a wealth of information to us mams! Best of luck with it all. Ps well done mama for spotting your child’s needs and getting the diagnosis early, it isn’t always easy
Sounds like she is ashamed of herself…
Maybe she just doesn’t understand . Education is key. Get her some books or take her to meetings /clubs . Let her meet other autistic people. Show her that autism is nothing to be ashamed of and she may be meeting autistic adults every day that she’s not even aware of.
Explain that its not a disability…just a different ability
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Just tell about my son who has Asperger’s and is a Robotics Engineer so STFU!
Talk to her about how you feel. She needs to accept it and be a loving support for you and your son…if not then tell her she will miss out. Your son comes first.
Save the patience you need for your child. Cut off your mother ,it’s that simple, this child had his whole life ahead if him and along the way will meet some level headed understanding people , whilst some are still ignorant, it’s hard that people can’t accept what they don’t understand, and family should be your biggest support,.u gotta take it from outsiders, mom can’t be coming with the BS too.
Tell don’t be daft 6 I got in grand children treat them the same and the got needs to go out to dinner and do any thing I don’t catch any thing ither thenthere love and play clever don’t worry and show them off to we’re do live penzance
My grandson is autistic and I wouldn’t change him for the world I love him for who he is x
I’m so sorry that your mum feels that way. She’s missing out out on so much.
I have my 10yr old highly autistic grandson every 2nd weekend, and have done for years. We love our time together
He even has a calendar at home and he marks off the days til it’s time to come back to grandma’s
It sounds like ur mom doesn’t understand . be patient with her
Older people have a hard time understanding autism and what it entails because I don’t actually get it either but family does gossip unfortunately I just wouldn’t mention anything like who would really come out and say hey what’s wrong with your kid? No one cuz that’s just rude
Stand up for your son your mum will either be on board or she won’t but just focus on what your son and you need first you can educate her on his ways after you get to grips with it all
Ask her if she is ashamed of him-it appears it’s time to have an adult conversation with her. Even if she won’t admit it, she will know you are aware of it and it upsets you. You are in for a long road for protecting him in life- start with your Mom!
Sounds like a conversation is needed. She clearly needs more education on the condition.
I don’t know how old your Mom is but some generations were raised that way ,you didn’t talk about " afflictions" & a lot of these kids were institutionalized from birth. When my late son Danny was born with Down Syndrome 33 years ago they were still asking in the hospitals if you were taking them home or placing them in state care Being your child’s biggest & loudest advocate really need to sit down with her and educate her as well as remind her that whether family gossips or not ignoring the fact that he has autism isn’t going to make it go away nor is it something to be ashamed of. She can either be an active ,supportive participant in your sons life or she can take a seat and keep her own mouth shut.
She is probably just afraid because she doesn’t understand. Maybe buy her book about the awesome stuff about kids with autism?
It sounds like she is trying to protect your child in her own way. And there are therapies and treatment. Its not meant to cure him, just to help him control his own behaviors and be able to live a full, happy life. I don’t know if your child is in therapy, but maybe you should get her involved as well. Maybe it would help her understand why he does what he does and how she can be supportive.
Your mom should be embarrassed of herself my son is high functioning aspergers/adhd and he is just fine as a human never bothered me or embarrassed me about his disability ur mom has too much pride tell her humble herself she aint perfect.
So sad , ignorant and uneducated. About speciak needs kids. They are all very precious
Leave him with her for a couple of days, she’ll understand very quickly about his condition after spending time w him
Sounds like she just doesn’t understand x communication and education.
So is my mum
She comes after them