My husband and I have two kids together that are 3 years apart. His family hasn’t been apart of our kids lives until they got a little older, maybe until they were 1/4 years old (they’re 4/7 now). Not sure why because we’ve always lived near each other. Anyways, recently Ive noticed that his family treats our children different than the kids that his siblings have. My kids are very assertive, they both know how to say no when they want to, and don’t like being hugged or kissed without being asked first. Basically I just allowed them to set boundaries & be firm about it. As young as they are they have put that into practice pretty early. His mother doesn’t seem to be okay with that. She’s made snarky comments about how “they’re turning out to be like me” but I’ve let it slide because I noticed with her children they have no boundaries at all, so it didn’t bother me until they all started treating my kids like something is wrong with them. I’ve tried to bring up the problem with them but they went straight to judging and bashing me about how “my children are growing up to be just like me”. I can tell it affects my children because they love being around them but they are starting to notice that they’re being treated differently. Would I be wrong to cut them off or should I wait a little longer to see if anything changes?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mother-in-law doesn't like that my kids have boundaries: Advice?
If someone can’t respect another person’s boundaries, that’s on them. Your kids shouldn’t be made to feel bad for not wanting someone to touch them. They weren’t apart of their lives for a while, maybe you should all go back to that until they can learn to respect them.
Your children are entitled to their own personal space and the right to say “no”. Raising kids to be able to vocalize their wants is a good thing. I’ve cut off immediate family for less. Never feel bad about sticking up for your kids. If they cannot be treated fairly then you remove all toxicity from their life immediately. I hated being hugged and people invading my space. All it did was teach me to people please and it took 20 years to fully break myself of that cycle.
My kids have their personal space and their bubble if they don’t want somebody to enter that bubble they say no setting boundaries early is not a bad thing…
My doctor even asks every one of my children if she can touch them
If somebody doesn’t like your rules then they don’t need to visit the children
Children are welcome to their own space
I hate it when people come into my space specially during the summer when it’s really hot imagine with the kids feel
I love that you’ve taught your kids that it’s OK to have boundaries. I grew up not allowed to have a voice, boundaries or anything for myself. My grandmother always went for kisses on the lips, including into my adult years and I hated it ever since I was a kid but never knew I was allowed to say no. Do what you feel is best for your babies. Protect them, stand up for them. You’re doing amazing
This was one of the many reasons why my mil is cut off. Unfair treatment, pushing all boundaries including our son not wanting to be hugged kissed, negativity and comments about me and how my other kids have turned out. When my oldest was only like 12 when she said that. And the fact that my bil is a convicted swx offender that she has around my step kids.
My inlaws are the same. They don’t say it but it’s obvious that they aren’t used to kids setting boundaries and parents holding firm on boundaries. Keep letting your kids set boundaries, it’s good for them to learn healthy boundaries now.
My in laws treat my children ALOT different than the other grandchildren. I have children from a previous relationship but my husband has raised them for 23 years. But they still have nothing to do with them. Even the child we have together they don’t bother with. My husband stepfather just passed away and our son is almost 18 years old, my mother in law has just recently asked for our son to visit. Why does it have to come to a death in order for people to finally try to make an effort? So sad
Unfortunately some people really just believe that children aren’t ALLOWED to have those kinds of boundaries with relatives. Often they think that adults aren’t even allowed to have those kinds of boundaries with relatives. It may be best to go low contact with them if you don’t fully cut them out.
Ask your children how they feel when visiting. It’s not popular, but your responsible for their mental well being. You can try a sit down with you children, you and the mail culprit. Let the children express their love, and their feelings. See what happens. Maybe good, and if not, make your choice, and do not regret it.
Take the cues from your children… they’ll let you know if/when it’s time to cut ties.
I’m glad you have allowed these boundaries to be set!
To many parents force their child to “give aunt Suzy a kiss”, “give uncle Bob a hug”!
That type of forced physical touch can lead to children thinking it’s okay to let “inappropriate touching” happen and not say anything to you.
Some kids are very touchy-feely/affectionate and some are Not. Some kids just don’t want to be touched (hugged/kissed) even by their own parents.
If your child is hesitant/resistant to hug someone… take that cue and reinforce your child’s feeling by putting your hand on their shoulder and say “it’s okay, ‘Jayden’ isn’t feeling like hugging today”! Don’t apologize for it, don’t say “I’m sorry, ‘Emma’ is in one of those moods today”.
That makes your child feel that what they’re feeling isn’t okay or isn’t acceptable. Your child needs to feel confident in their own abilities to set proper healthy boundaries when it comes to their bodies and personal space. It starts young and as they grow up, it will be so beneficial to having healthy relationships when they know how to have boundaries.
I’d cut them off. That’s disrespectful and rude. I hope your husband is trying to say something to them too, and not just ignoring your feelings.
If they aren’t respecting you or your kids I’d cut them off.
I think boundries are good but personally not letting grandparents hug and kiss there grandkids pretty cold hearted
Cut. Them. Out. They do not like boundaries, and your children deserve better if they are going to keep doing this.
Um to be just like you, what exactly does that mean?
And y shouldn’t they grow up to “be like you”
What have your 4 and 7 year old said to you about it?