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QUESTION:
"First of all I have 4 children (one being my husbands 9yr old from a previous relationship)& I am currently pregnant with our 5th! I have been in her life since she was 1. & I have always treated her as my own. The only father figure I ever had was my step dad, who raised me as his own since I was very young. Anyways… my mom and my dad(step dad) get upset and bent out of shape over everything involving my bonus child. I had paid a down payment for pictures… these pictures were a spur of the moment thing and it was a deal the photographer was doing… extremely cheap. I paid the 15$ down payment and I called my mom to see if she would be willing to bring my kids for pictures because I worked and she would be watching them anyways. I was on speaker with her and she said “okay… but just your kids..the ones you gave birth to”… we got into it. And I ended up hanging up on her. My bonus babe overheard the entire conversation and being that she’s 9 she was hurt and fully understood she told her mom and her mom called us to talk with us about it. My mom mentioned that I missed the pictures and I told her I would never do pictures without all of my kids… her response was “she’s not your kid” “you don’t see her mom paying for your kiss to get pictures, giving them a place to live, babysitting them, feeding and clothing them” I said “it’s not even remotely the same situation… she is our kid… our kids are not hers?” I also mentioned that she “didn’t raise a fuss over allowing my step dad to care for us as if were his own, but now that I’m caring for a child that’s also my step child… it’s a problem?”… I’m just sad and I’m frustrated and I’m hurt by her behavior. Our girl is old enough for this to impact her and I am just exhausted at this point."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. It’s extreme but that’s totally unacceptable. How is she able to say things like that when you have a step dad that helped raised you, but now that your the step parent it’s an issue??? Especially with her being old enough to understand what your mom is saying, that’s hard. The next time it happens I would make a big deal out of. I would say it’s your choice to be in her life, you love her like your own even if she isn’t blood. She’s your child, and she either needs to accept it and move on, or she won’t be hearing from you again. My mom is kind of the same way, so i get where your coming from. My husband has 3 kids from a previous relationship, we have a toddler and pregnant with our 2nd. Thankfully she isn’t that bad but she makes the same comments “well they aren’t your kids” like… yes, yes they are. How do you just marry someone but don’t accept their kids as yours? So weird. Anyways, yeah I would tell her to quit real quick because if she hurts your daughters feelings again it won’t pretty, or she won’t be hearing from you any longer. I feel like it’s really extreme but there’s really no need to single her out like that, she’s a 9 year old child and it’s not going to do anything but break her down & upset her."
"I’d tell my mom, it’s all or nothing… end of story. And then accept her choice and follow through. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years and will likely never speak to her again for doing something similar. My kids are the most important thing in the world. PERIOD"
"Advise her that if that is how she feels then she doesn’t see any of them and that as you weren’t raised by your father that it must mean that your step father isn’t your dad. Talk to your stepfather see if he feels the same way if so cut them off they are toxic and it is not good for any of the children. Your mother sounds like a piece of work who needs an attitude adjustment and stopping her from seeing the kids will do it, advise her that either she treats all the children the same or she doesn’t get to see any that you will not allow your oldest to be treated like a second class citizen she is after all the other children’s biological sibling. Imagine if you had adopted she is best gone."
"It seems there’s a growing consensus on telling Mom it’s All or Nothing, I 100% agree. It’s kind of crazy considering you had a stepfather."
"Cut her out, let her know that if she can’t treat all of the kids the same then she will no longer be allowed around any of them"
"Set a boundary with your mom and stepdad that they have to treat her the same as the others or not be involved with any of them. It’s for the mental health of your daughter."
"Time to cut ties and do a no contact . You are a package and if she can’t treat her as a equal then she doesn’t need to be in your lives"
"Throw the whole mom out!"
"It’s clear as night and day , if she cannot accept your bonus child then she needs no part of your life and your daughter needs to know you will stand up for her , it’s not about her mother doing anything for you it’s not her responsibility . If you love her that’s all you will see and that’s all she will need"
"Maybe you should mention your step dad. He's not your dad but you accepted him as your dad."
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