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"I’m married for almost ten years. I have a 9 year old daughter and a 14 year old stepdaughter, and 19 year old stepson. I just found out last year that my father is not my biological father and I have 3 more brothers and a sister. My family and I have never been close. I’ve always felt like the odd man out. To make a long story short: my brother (who I’m very close with now) moved back up to my state and is staying with me, my husband and my daughter. My stepkids are here every weekend, sometimes every other weekend. My husband keeps giving me a hard time and making snarky comments about my “new” brother staying here until he finds his own place. In total he’s staying 7 months. I understand it is not easy, however, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I love getting to know my brother that I missed out on knowing for 35 years. He’s been very giving, helps clean, etc. I feel like I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for my husband, my stepchildren, and his family. I feel like he should give me a little bit of a break because of how much I’ve done for him and everyone else. I’ve also been through a pretty traumatic experience. Finding out you’re adopted and putting pieces of your life together has been very emotionally draining. How do I get him to be more patient until my brother leaves? Every time we talk about it….it turns into an argument."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"Why does he have an issue with him? You need to have a conversation, not an argument. I would just tell your husband you know he feels this way if he wants to explain it more so you understand why he doesn’t like him / why he’s there. He also needs to listen to you. After all those years and barely finding out your adopted is hard, as well as siblings you didn’t know about. It’s literally life altering. I guess I understand your husbands attitude… you both don’t know him much, but that’s why he’s there. You’re being a good sister & getting to know you brother. There’s nothing wrong with that. He needs to be supportive"
"I think you just need to take more time in trying to explain everything to your husband. It’s probably just as much as a stressful shock to him as it is you. I know what it’s like to constantly have an argument about things so what I do is write how I’m feeling down so I know for a fact all my feelings is wrote down on paper so everything can be “said” vs getting into an argument and the conversation just ending. See if your husband can bond with your brother on anything. Just don’t stop trying"
"I completely understand wanting your new found family with you and I am so happy that you’ve found your siblings, I’m sure your husband is as well, but from his standpoint you have basically moved in a complete stranger and that’s quite scary. It’s also a lot of financial burden on your husband to now be responsible for another mouth to feed. This is a tough situation, sit down with hubby and find out exactly what his fears are and make compromises around them. Maybe it’s something as simple as your brother getting a part time job and contributing a little financially while saving up for a place, or maybe it’s the fact that no one really knows him and you could all benefit from a family night once a week to really get to know one another, or hubby and brother can go out one on one a night a week."
"I understand your husbands concerns especially with children being involved. How well do you know your brother? And 7 months is a long time. But I also see your point. Maybe take your husband for a meal just you and him and both of you can have an honest discussion in a controlled environment so it’s less likely to turn into an argument."
"She can feel like he’s her brother, but let’s be honest, it’s a stranger man that you letting come inside your house and you have kids, sorry but I wouldn’t do it, to me, when you get married, your family is your husband and your kids, that’s the priority, the rest, all of them becomes relatives, including new members. And there’s no way to compare him having kids to your situation, one thing have nothing to do with another, you knew was you was getting into since the moment to met him, and sorry but you can’t compare kids with adults."
"I see it from both sides… i feel that your husband should understand a little more and you need to have that talk in a controlled environment. I also say that if you just met him not too long ago, maybe it was too fast and you getting to know him doesnt have to require him living with you. Bringing someone new into the home is an adjustment for everyone in the home. I get that your happy and your husband should be happy for you, but not everyone is comfortable around new people. Myself and my husband have a friend living in my sons room right now… were helping him get on his feet. Hes been here two months and hasnt done anything… he is supposed to start a job today with a temp agency… atleast its something but he doesnt help at all. Its caused myself and my husband to argue at times, my kids loved him being here and now they hate it bcuz dad spends more time with friend than family, we gotta be careful about what we say. I cant sleep or walk around the house in any clothing i want or half naked bcuz there is now someone in our home. I have to think about my daughter who is about to start puberty and a man we barely know in the home… we know his family very well which is why we took him in. Theres a lot of changes when someone new comes into the home so if your family isnt adjusting well there needs to be some sort of changes either your husband understands better or your brother goes somewhere else and u can still get to know eachother. Your days ones always come first. I get that hes your brother… i do… but your husband has been there for you and had your back for how long? Cut him some slack. He doesnt understand like you do and its okay to have different mind sets."
"Maybe you should seek counseling with your husband and be willing to be absolutely open to an unbiased person. There could be things that neither of you are seeing that can cause concern. Sometimes we let our emotions cloud our judgment so it’s easier to see from the outsider."
"Honestly talk to your husband have alone nights with just you two. Make sure your brother has a job and is saving and actually looking for a place if not he’s gotta go."
"If your brother is helping out and pulling his own weight then your husband should deal with it. It takes some time to get a job a place and enough money to move. I say you your brother and husband all need to sit down and come up with a time line everyone is happy with and that is realistic. You do need to respect his feelings and he needs to do the same. But Also ask him if it was his brother would he be so quick to get pissy and shoving him out"
"Try getting the two of them to bond and get to know each other. Maybe they can work on a project around the house"
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