Set strict boundaries with in laws and let them know what will happen if your wishes are not kept. Also it’s sad but cut the sister in law off completely. If you paid your in laws back then you owe them nothing.
Two words… GROW UP
Sorry ur dealing with all of that. Stop giving her the hand me downs. She doesn’t deserve them. Make her buy her kids clothes. She’s taking u and ur family for granted. She is toxic. U need to cut her completely out. Ignore her at family get togethers. She sounds super toxic. U don’t need that.
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I have been throw the Competition thing. My ex helped raise my son for 4 years, since we wasn’t married yet they never considered my son their family, even though my son did call them aunt and uncle ,grandma ,grandpa. When we found out my ex sister was pregnant, she put it on a thing give us a gift say the best gift ever, hint nope my kids was the best gift ever to me and he at the time agreed with me but I let it go until they found out it was a boy then they was say last one to have a kid first to have a boy I flip the he’ll out and haven’t talked to his sister since and she only seen my kids 1 time at a birthday party for his brothers kid…thats been a few years cause we been spikt up for over 2 years now which he’s had little contact with our child… its to the point where the other sister law was scared to Adopt a child cause the child wouldn’t be Except as theirs SMH to the point health was at risk of have another baby don’t know if it was a boy or girl or if baby was healthy or if mama was healthy due to hear it from someone else…I did was I thought was best…
Goodluck mama
So sorry you’ve dealt with a stressful relationship like this. It can be helpful to have your husband step in (if he hasn’t already) and deal with his family when they are hurting (or making things difficult) for his wife/kids.
It is a good idea to cut off in some areas. On one hand, your family does need to be put first and limiting your time spent with SIL+family will be a healthy boundary to establish.
If this has to be verbally communicated, so be it.
It is also good not to jump to cutting extended family off so quickly. Boundaries established by you and your husband is a must and can be strict. You are always able to lead by example on how to handle things, parenting, and so forth. You cannot always tell someone how to parent when they do not want to listen, but you can show it with your own kids. Maybe she is coming from a major place of insecurity that feels threatened by you…jealousy, who knows.
This situation is deep and has been stretched out for some time, it seems.
If it were me, my husband and I would need to speak out together (to MIL/FIL as well) about our concerns/frustrations. Depending on how that conversation went, we would choose how far to distance ourselves from them. It may have to be that you are only together for big occasions or only with them if you all together…not letting them be alone with your daughter.
You and your husband communicate with them and set boundaries (your own terms and conditions). For the health and peace of your own family.
Also shows you want to make it work, but not at the expense of your family. This also shows you want to leave the door open for when/if they do come to their senses…so you can be there for your niece as well if they give the chance.
Anyway, it’s one thing to distance yourself and another to cut off. There are certain times it is completely good to cut off completely though.
Go out with her for the day and have a heart to heart tell her you respect her love bring her sister in law and want to be friends if she gives you grief bust her in the mouth knock her down and be done with her
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Distance and space to heal
You sound like a whole lot to deal with just like the in law cut her ass off and stop giving her shit. Problem solved:roll_eyes:
Sounds like she’s a horrible bitch. Getting an apology for your daughter might take time becoz it looks she needs to grow up more, stop thinking about herself and consider other people too. She’s toxic…just cut them off…yes they have helped you, you always pay them back. If they can’t respect you and your partner becoz he had kids first…cut them off becoz you don’t need to compete to be liked or love. If they come visit you, you visit them…respect is earned both ways, not one way. I would definitely cut her off becoz I don’t like it when someone screams at my older child and make them feel so useless becoz I don’t do that to my own child…I’ll be fycking going crazy. See you child’s reaction to that aunt becoz it will be awkward.
Just do the basic, that’s it. Your situation seems the same to mine, I had learned to break off communication with my in law, and his siblings. They are very selfish people too, and talk a lot of shit. My child has gotten hurt, verbally by his mom and his mom talks shit about me around our child.
Just do the basic. It will be rocky for a while, but I promise you, you and your child will feel relieved.
The grandparents, do need time to talk about watching your child, it is not fair to feel entitled to drop them off just because their daughter does.
You and your husband need to give grandparents time and a heads up.
Make sure you talk to your child about what happened, when adults ask child to keep secrets from their parents about serious things, something is up. Communicate with your child, that is crucial.
So cut them off. Don’t invite them to anything invite the rest of the family except them. Tell them you don’t give a crap if you can’t see the kids because having to deal with the parents is not worth the aggravation. If you allow them to continue holding the kids over your head and using them as pawns then you deserve what you get. Sometimes as much as it hurts you have to cut out the negative. I. Going through a similar ordeal and it hurts but in the end they will realize. Cut them off. Trust me it will bother them more if you do it to them like they have done to you. Don’t allow her to have parties with your child tell her to pay for her own shit. If you wanna have a party or shower whatever good do it if she gets mad twll her owell and do it anyway!
Sounds awful but I’m petty bitch okay I can’t know anything about your kids cool you can’t come to their birthday party two birds with one stone stops them from butt it on your kid’s birthday and I wouldn’t tell them anything about what’s going on in your kids’ lives because she’s always going to make it a competition and that’s not fair.
There comes a time when you just have to cut toxicity and drama out of your life, at least for most of your life. Stop trying so hard with these people. They are not going to change. Obviously they want to be treated like the entitled brats they are and they get by with that and treating you and your kids like shit. They are never going to apologize for anything because narcissism runs deep. Any contact you have with them, make it go through your husband. You don’t have to put up with it and deal with it. Let him deal with it if he wants to
Gotta love competition between family . But as stated above just stop being so nice. Don’t ask don’t dwell . Keep on moving . I mean you already was to nice . If EVERYONE but you and her brother ( your husband ) where aloud to see the baby and you couldn’t. I would have ended it right there. You opened your house to baby sit you agreed to the 1st birthday. Like in all honesty you did your part . If she can’t figure it out than I’d leave her stranded. Let know how it feels to buy everything for her kid now struggle to find a sitter. And most importantly lose out on you guys . I dont see you lost anything here besides stress . Well ofc your neice but at the end of the day you don’t need or want that shit in your life
My sister in-law is a bitch … she wanted us in the wedding party, then when we paid for the cloths to be in the wedding … they throw us out of the wedding party and the wedding .has made our lives hell for years … used my mother in-laws name used all her money … told her kids bad things about us .non of it true … we don’t talk to them . They will leave a store if we are in it …
Walk away. Stop asking your in-laws to babysit. Don’t allow them to take over your kids Birthday parties. Stop giving her shit. Just walk away and distance your little family.
A lot of these situations seem to be you going out of your way for them and expecting them to be grateful… My biggest solution is, stop doing things for people who wouldn’t do it for you. There is a Huge difference between dropping off one child vs three kids. The part about your oldest getting their feelings hurt sucks, but a forced apology isn’t worth much. I would avoid them. Don’t do any favors for them and be assertive with the boundaries you set and don’t change them just because they are family
Honestly, you do sound a bit like you’re being petty about some of the things you mentioned, but mostly I think they’re just not good people and I can see why you’d be upset. My in laws are terrible people, they’re way worse than this. My sister in law is so competitive with me that she cuts her hair identical to mine. She eventually crossed the line and had to be cut off permanently by using my kids as a weapon to hurt me. Her parents followed suit and then they all turned the whole family against me with lies. Believe it or not I’ve had strangers come up to me at funerals wondering why I’d be bad mouthing them to her, she’s that bad. Some people aren’t worth holding onto. Toxic is toxic, even if they’re family. You’ll know when it’s time for you to move on. It was the best decision I ever made. 6 years of peace now. They still try to spy on me through 3rd parties, but I don’t take the bait and I don’t respond to anything they say or do. It’s so worth it to move on from people like that.
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You’re better off without them . Sounds pretty self centered.
Move along and pay no attention to it.
Set some really thick boundaries yourself. Concentrate on your own needs and your life. They have shown you their true colors. It’s only going to hurt you more. I speak from experience. It’s always going to be a relationship that’s on the surface for them…so don’t get too involved anymore. No more hand me downs, plan your own party and no need to invite them. I just don’t understand why family feels it’s ok to treat people that way. I am sure it creates friction in your own relationship with their son, your husband. Don’t allow them to treat you that way anymore. The relationship with these people will never be what you hope for…sometimes friends are family.
Honestly, you are sensitive but that’s ok, me too! These are really just a lot of little things that have added up…let it go! Still be you and let them do them.
When you feed into their drama it only makes it worse. The best thing you can do with some family is choose to love from a distance. It sounds like everything is a competition. That includes both sides. There is no reason to let the little things bother you. Your kids know the effort you put into things and that’s what matters most. Sometimes you have to treat others as they treat you just to avoid the drama. As your kids get older, have their birthday party for friends only. Or a separate one for friends only so they can have their day. The best way after years and years that I handled it was choosing to just love them from a distance.
Why do people let things like this bother them. .if she was like this growing up then she’ll be like that her whole life. Just send Christmas cards and be happy