I really need fresh eyes and opinions when it comes to this situation so I can move forward realistically in this situation. The back story my husband and I have been together 13 years, we have two kids together, 12 and 3. My relationship with my in-laws has always been filled with ups and downs because they have a problem respecting boundaries and Metal way too much in our lives; they have helped us financially from time to time throughout the years we always make sure to pay them back. My husband is the oldest first to be married and has kids. he has two brothers and one sister. Up until five years ago, when his sister had her first, she and I were pregnant together and gave birth four weeks apart, both girls. It was horrible, heartbreaking, and disappointing. I was all excited, but she turned everything into a competition when I found out I was pregnant she said I stole her thunder, she wasn’t going to find out the gender of her baby, but because I did, she found out hers, she wasn’t going to have a baby shower, but because I said I was having one she had one and my in-laws paid for part of it, I didn’t get to have a baby shower cause she threw a fit because the family wouldn’t come to both, when she had the baby she said she didn’t want people at the hospital and didn’t want people to see the baby until the baby had its shots, but she had people there just not her brother or me. after I allowed everyone to be there for the birth of my kids. She said she wasn’t throwing her baby a 1st birthday party, after I had my baby’s 1st birthday party planned she asked if she could join our party last min the party cost $800 and they paid $200 this is after babysitting for her for $50 a month and giving her all my baby’s hand me downs that are all in very good condition. she still hasn’t had to buy her child any clothes because of me giving her the clothes my child grows out of, and it’s gone to the point where she relies on it and expects it from me. They also took over my daughter’s 2years old party without talking to dad or me first. They didn’t ask if we could have a party for both girls. I just showed up with presents for both girls sing happy birthday to both. When the party was at my house, my husband and I paid for our daughter’s party. She is pregnant again. She isn’t planning on anyone seeing the baby again. I don’t see my niece much since I don’t babysit. Her, her husband, and I recently got into it because they took it upon themselves to discipline yell at my oldest who they made feel really bad then told her to keep what had happened from me from me and I feel they owe an apology to my daughter for how they made her feel and for making her feel like she has to lie to me and her dad but they refused. I got told we are not entitled to time with their kids or to see them, they are not making time for our kids and that we won’t find out anything unless they want us too. I am angry that they are so selfish and entitled when I am not at all like that with anything, I think they are horrible parents I don’t think they should have any more kids because they are really selfish people and self-absorbed How would you handle this? Oh and when I need my kids watched by my in laws there are rules planning and stipulations but my sis in law can just drop my niece off no warning. I am really angry that my child got hurt in all of this and they refuse to apologize, I am heartbroken that I got attached to my niece and I don’t get to see her or know anything about her often. I am I’m so hurt and disgusted that I don’t know how to handle this effectively. I need advice please
This was kind of hard to read but here goes. You needed from beginning to establish boundries. You are not late.
If you live very close for piece of mind you need to move. This is if you can afford it.
You have no obligation to like or put up with your in laws. Yes you might love the little one but you need to separate yourselves from this moocher.
It’s sad and sucks but just let them be. Don’t give her anymore hand me downs. Don’t bother with her anymore. Also try to find a different sitter for you kids when possible.
Sounds like you’ve allowed yourself to be a pushover. It’s time to cut them out of your life completely.
Sad to say but cut ties and move on.
The best thing to do is to focus on your family. Reduce time spent with your in-laws. They will either reach out and want to see your kids or not. If they do, then have a heart to heart (hubby included). If not, move on. That mich spite and negativity isn’t good for kids to be around.
Family dynamics can be very tough. Its like you have been forced to like someone that, if you had met in any other situation, you wouldn’t be friends with them. If you have truly done all that you feel you can to live harmoniously with her as your sister in law and it is still a problem, then you need to detach. Either mentally, where you dont let her behaviour effect you so deeply, or as others have said, move some distance away. But I think mentally detaching is necessary either way. Teach your daughter that has been hurt by whatever happened, how to deal with it also. Because, you know, thats life!
Relax, take this opportunity to stay away from them and raise your kids in a mental and emotional healthy environment, they are toxic not just to you but to the kids and that’s something that you have to be careful…
You just have to let them be. It sucks not seeing your niece and it sucks not having them there for you and yours but At the end of the day don’t do anything for anyone of them. Give them the same energy they give you.
U teach people how to treat you … U didn’t teach them right from the beginning . You’re kind of screwed now . Best bet stop all contact til she realizes what she has done . But u r the sister in law so u do realize it’ll all your fault
The grandparents will have her child as and when it’s their daughter …Everything else take with a ouch of salt treat them how they treat you , they don’t tell you anything, do the same organise your own kids party’s ? Stop giving her clothes…if your husband has spoken to them and nothing has changed…it never will , let them get in with it live your life your way you or your kids don’t need drama
Fuck her. Don’t be around her or associate with her. Problem solved.
Get your child away from them or, the way you’re feeling right now, they will have the child feeling the same way. And your kids will be questioning their actions, like you feel right now.
I would walk away from the situation and live my best life, it’s all you really can do, you cant change them. You can only change yourself, so do that, and shine bright like a diamond. 
You live and you learn. It sounds like you have “lived” enough to “learn”. If you remain sucked in you will continue is this negative pattern. Stop already. Live your life with your little nuclear family. If you allow negativity it will continue and fester. You are a married grown woman with two children. Stop relying, depending and involving people who bring drama into your lives. Do your own thing. Refocus. You are a role model and a parent. Behaving with dignity and respect is what you need to show your children. They need to see you setting positive boundaries and having healthy relationships. The people who want to be a part of your lives will adjust or you need to limit/cut out their involvement. Your not a kid. Its not tit for tat. Don’t compete and there will be no competition. You got this!!!
I think you are pushover and your husband’s family knows it. You have to be the one to break the chain. Can’t please everybody.
You and your husband have allowed this.
I agree that you’ve stayed silent for too long and it’s to your detriment. Stop being a people pleaser. Put these people in their place, tell them exactly how you feel, and if they don’t step up, you follow through and step out. Your mil and fil should be ashamed for choosing their daughter’s kids over yours. I’m speaking from experience here. If you have your husband’s support, be super grateful for that, be grateful for your family, focus on your kids’ relationship with your own family (hopefully they are more involved with your kids), and leave his family to themselves until they’re ready to respect you.
I would just have nothing to do with that side of the family anymore. Case closed. And my husband had better back me up on it or he’s going to be standing right next to them on the curb.
I would call her out and tell her she is jealous and insecure and being rediculous, she cant possibly treat you any worse, but at least you got to say your piece !!
Some people like to tear others down to feel better about themselves, that is not your fault or anything you did. Remind yourself of that all the time!
I’m sorry she is doing that to you
If it was me, I’d cut ties. Change locks. Change your phone number. Talk to the cops and get a no trespass on her so that she can’t legally come onto your property or make it clear that she’s not welcome, especially unannounced. I know this is a hard pill to swallow but I’ve had to learn it too. Grow a backbone. She will only continue to do these things if you allow her to. Remove yourself from the toxicity.
Cut the in laws out of your life unless it is on your terms and move on with your husband and children and stop giving to them… and expecting them to appreciate it…
I don’t normally comment on these posts. First of all Wow, that was a lot. Secondly 800 on a birthday party that’s pretty extreme. Here’s the thing. Life is too short to be upset over petty things yes I said petty. Either stop obsessing over every little thing or cut them out of your life completely. Be happy. I wish you well. Good luck.
Neither couple should have children until they can stop acting like children
Well one thing they’re right on is you’re not entitled to their children. But guess what? That means they’re not entitled to yours or any of your stuff. Sounds like sis is the baby and is still being treated like the baby with minimal to no rules in the family. Stop helping her, stop giving her clothes, and if she wants to refuse to apologise then cut her off/do not allow her around unsupervised. And lastly THANK YOU for standing up for your child and being her advocate. 
I’d cut ties or at least distance yourself from the family. Can’t be dealing with favouritism. Just focus on yourself and your little family. They are the ones missing out if they don’t make the effort with your children.
Stop passing on clothes to them… don’t ask about their kids… not much you can do if they want to act that way… I also upset let my children go with them
I’d straight cut her off and change numbers what not because that’s just way to petty or another choice let her have it say your peace even if it don’t change things at least you got out your peace she’s being straight petty so either cut her out your life or let her know where you stand but you don’t have to keep joining in with her pettiness
Walk away get a new sitter lifes to short for bitches
I’m in the same boat but honestly you just focus on your family. I wouldn’t give them the time or day and especially stressing out about it. If they don’t want you in their lives that’s ok. Grandparents have favorites and it sad but it’s the truth. As for bad parents and stuff who are we to judge…we raise our kids the way we think it’s best. At the end of the day it just comes down to you and your family no else matters just my opinions. Stay strong mama!!
Who sits and makes these ridiculous post up without comment from the op.
It’s only a competition if you compete back. Ignore it and she will eventually move on…
Cut her off and move on with your life.
You need to establish your own boundaries with his family. Also stop giving her your kids hand-me-downs. Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow but you have to do what is best for you and your little family. It’s hard but ultimately you will be happier. Good luck and please kill her with kindness but BOUNDARIES are still necessary and you can establish them and still be pleasant. That way you know your the bigger person.
Change locks, change phone number, fb block on everything and completely cut ties stopping giving her anything!!!
she can fend for herself…
She is using you and you oh so she doesn’t have to pay out stop it now before it gets worse xxxx
Sounds like my sister in law. I can’t do anything without her thinking I’m stealing her spotlight. We were friends in school, but when I married her brother, she has now decided that she hates me with a burning passion. We were both pregnant at the same time before and it was awful. She’s pregnant again and is due in June. Me and my husband are wanting to have another baby, but we’re waiting until after she gives birth because I already know how much drama there would be if god forbid I was pregnant at the same time as her 
If we get pregnant again before she gives birth, we’re just going to wait to announce. She’s a real peach lol
I feel your pain.
As much as it hurts you and your kids will be better off dropping the unnecessary drama and toxicity. Stop giving her clothes, stop inviting her, stop inviting everyone- just do really meaningful things for birthdays and things with the family you built. I had to do this and have been better off and the kids seem to be unphased bc instead of big birthday parties we put that money into making memories and doing zoo days for birthday parities or do whatever activity they want.
Ask her if she wants to fight since she wants to be childish
Three words: cut them off! Be done! Cut the cord! Not only are y’all being negatively affected, but your kids are too! Don’t let them go through that! Be done with them! Cut them out! If they wonder why, be honest but in a mature way. Walk away. It’s one thing to let yourself be in a toxic relationship with family but it’s another to make your kids go through that.
I guess it depends if you want to have a relationship with them? If it was me, I would call for an adult family meeting and talk about it all. I wouldn’t deliver it as an attack to either party. Maybe preface it and say I don’t want this to be a war so how about I discuss something bothering me… we address it and then you discuss what’s bothering you. Take turns so it’s not all you, you, you in either side. I also had a very strained relationship with my sister in-law for a few years but we are so much better now. I think it was a lot of miscommunication and thinking we knew the others side. We’re not best friends, but that’s ok. We talk more and can stand to be around each other. Also, It’s allowed us to be in each others kids lives. After we offered to talk and pending how that went I guess my next step would be off of that. If they dismissed the talk or meeting or didn’t seem to go anywhere then I would cut ties and just deal with your mother-in-law and father-in-law
Just stop doing anything for them. Even cut ties. Little to no contact. Just because they are “family” doesn’t mean anything if all they do is cause problems.
Cut ties life is too short your metal health and your own little family is whats really important here. Best thing is to let go x
Ask your husband to step up to the plate. Why is he even allowing his family to treat you guys that way??
Stop telling her stuff, simple as that. Don’t share what you don’t want used against you.
I think that you should disconnect a little , but remember that is your husband sister , BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.
First of all you are a grown adult. You do not let people control your life or your children’s lives. Cut them out! Period. They are toxic and you don’t owe them anything! Stop letting them walk all over you just because they are family. Being family doesn’t give anyone the right to disrespect you! Especially in laws! Cut them out completely and do not let them back in your lives until they can respect you. Create boundaries and stand your ground. If your husband doesn’t stick up for you and his kids get rid of him too.
You don’t need the toxic drama , take a step back and don’t allow the negative energy near your children husband and yourself.
Blood ain’t thicker than your piece of mind
This is a tricky one. Looking both ways in to this, you can’t just cut them off, because basically they helped you out when you needed it financially. You paid it back sure enough but the favour was done. So my opinion on this is basically just treat them like they treat you. If they’re not sharing their life, do the same for a bit. The hardest part is when there are children involved. You can still be the better person here and try showing them that this isn’t affecting you, but start playing a different role. Obviously when it comes to the birthday party’s step up and say that you want your child to have its own day. And when it comes to the clothes just say you had to help some one who had nothing what so ever to use. Hope it all works out for the best. Some times a good conversation and a bottle of wine really helps. Good luck.
There’s a lot of drama going on here. Forget the apology, it won’t happen. Explain to your 12 yr old that secrets like this are not acceptable. Let the relationship with your bro and sis in law cool off. Give it time and go about your business. Let them do their thing. You will be much happier without all the drama.
I’ve dealt with almost the same thing. The best thing to do is to step back when it comes to them. Start planning things with your MIL and FIL without them. I understand that they are taking advantage of all of them but honestly you don’t have to sit back and watch. Make sure you stay in touch with the parents/grandparents but siblings not so much. If they continue to show up when you’re there and your MIL or FIL don’t say anything then maybe it’s time to talk to them and if they don’t put a stop to them then step back.
Sounds very toxic and horrible for your mental health. I know sometimes we face such hard decisions… if you don’t like what your around DONT be around it. Stop giving her clothes from your baby stop all of it…for your mental health and for your child’s…if your husband wants to go see them then fine but if they can’t act grown and decent humans than I would cut them out of my life … I’ve had to do it with my own blood… its hard… but nothing is more important than you and your child’s mental state. Your feelings does matter!!! Good luck 
That seems like a whole lot that you are holding in. The more you put it on the back burner, the bigger the problems will be. You need to talk this over with your SIL. Set some boundaries and stick to them.
If you do not want to give hand me downs, donate them. If she asks, tell her you have none available. Make it clear that you should do separate Birthdays.
Then go with your spouse and talk with your MIL and FIL and set some boundaries there too. What you allow in will always continue. Good luck
The sister sounds toxic, id be having very little to do with her, look after you family, hubby and kids, and dont chase anyone for scraps of their time mil and fil included, try to look elsewhere for child minding, your kids are watching you, and will grow up thinking its ok to be treated like crap, because you put up with it… Strengthen your boundaries. Good luck, acceptance is the hardest thing, but once you do you will be lighter and free…
First off know that all of your feelings are valid.As far as competition I would no longer engage in one with her.It seems very one sided coming from her side mostly but I can see you comparing treatment with inlaws in here as well.I know its hard but you have to know that not everyone will treat us or our children like they do others.This is unfair, sucks but it is what it is.This however is where your bond with significant other has to be strong, as they ( your partner) is your chosen family.Friends and connections to those around you will also make you feel centered.It is all a leaning into what you do have and those who make you feel secure that will heal you.Next thing I see is boundaries.You need to tighten yours up and ensure that you stick to them.Family is not everything and if they keep hurting you then you have to consider who comes first, choose yourself always.If this person keeps crossing your boundaries then it may be a great time to make that choice.This will mean not seeing those kiddos that you love so much but is it causing more pain to your own family? I would also suggest counseling, to process your feelings, everyone could use it.
I would cut ties with SIL 
. Tell MIL she’s more than welcome to see the grandkids if she wants to but that you will no longer be participating in anything involving SIL.
End the toxic relationship. Continue setting positive examples for your children, and let the miserable people sort themselves out on their own.
I would cut ties with sil and her husband. No one tells a child to keep a secret from their parents period. As for the parents in law if you choose to cut ties as well then you need to accept that you cannot them go to them for financial help. You cannot have it both ways. Honestly your husband should be having a discussion with his parents and his brother. He needs to lay it all out so people know he backs you up. Personally I’d cut ties with all of them and call it day. Family is who you make it.
Yea put your family first if you dont want to cut them out of your life then plan your parties and make it known that there will be no combined that your doing your own thing if the in laws show then great if not have a great party put the ball in their corner…and ignore the competition part let her do her thing and dont get sucked in…
Good luck!
One of the best parts of not only being an adult, but a parent is you can walk away! Family or not, walk away, if they can’t respect you or your husband, enjoy causing issues, then it’s time for some distance, find someone else to give the clothes to, find someone else to watch your kids, the kids will not only see but feel the drama. It’s not worth it! Give it time see what time away does, maybe it’ll fix things, or maybe it won’t and it’s no love lost. Set the example for your kids, show them how people are supposed to be treated and how to handle it if it’s not how you want to be treated. It’s ok to walk away, just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to keep them around.
Its your sil right to cut anyone she wants off. But you can cut out the toxicity. Dont give them hand me downs, dont allow sharing of birthdays at all.
Firstly- it isn’t your job to judge them as good/bad parents or expect them to be a certain way because you are. We will always lose when we live by these expectations or judgment.
I would give the hand me downs to my MIL for my niece and avoid contact with this person or stop giving them to her all together. Her level of maturity isn’t your problem to fix. These type of competitions amongst families- as much as you think you aren’t taking part- deep down somehow some way you are! It’s toxic.
I saw this behavior separate our family apart
The best way is to love these type of people and pray for them from afar and keep your peace! Maybe in the future you two can talk and sort things out- so don’t see it as forever.
Sounds toxic, just live your life independent of them. Seems like you’re investment is bothering you too much from all the tallies .
Just dont talk to her. It sounds like youre better off anyways. And stop giving her all your hand me downs. She doesnt deserve them. Sever the ties that bind you and leave her in your dust.
Put her in her place stop communicating w/ her & make it known u will no longer support her or her children w/ hand me downs & if they push themselves into a party uninvited simply don’t answer the door for them or tell them they weren’t invited & then shut the door. Being firm is ur only way away from this
I almost feel like you are feeding into all her bs by telling her every little thing… tell her nothing unless she asks - if she makes it into a competition don’t compete! Be your own person… I’d hire someone else to watch my kids… and why does she need to know about it. It sounds like you are sisters or best friends and that you and she share everything… if not then don’t. Live your life as you wish and share nothing with her unless you want to - should she make it a competition then it only affects you if you join in. You dictate how you want to be treated… all that other crap with her is childish bull.
Take a giant step back…when SIL comes knocking for hand me downs hand her the receipts for what you paid and tell her if she wants them she needs to come back with half of what you paid same goes with birthday parties and when she is shocked and asks why explain to her you can not and will not eat the cost of clothing your own children along with hers as well. And you can not and should not have to pay the majority of an unplanned birthday party and that you love your niece but you want your child to have a birthday all about them and not have to share
This is a tough situation and I am sorry you have to go through it. Let things settle with the inlaws. You know they are never going to change, never going to apologize, never do anything for you or anyone else. You have to decide if that is something you can live with and protect your family from or if you need to end things. My sister is the same way but thankfully, had her kids before me or it would have been worse. My sister didn’t like that I set boundaries, wasn’t as overly welcoming as she was with her kids and having people in the hospital and so on and so forth. We’ve had an off and on relationship for 35 years and the last 2 years was the worst that it eventually died and we no longer talk at all. However, my niece and nephews know I love them and still stay in contact with me (one is 18 and the other is living with my mom and 19). You have do stop competing with her. Do what YOU wan to do and say to hell with what she wants. Don’t let her take over your kids birthday parties. She can plan her own. Don’t invite them if you have to. Or change the place last minute. You have to protect your family and do what is best for them. Forget about her and the drama she creates!
She knows how to push your buttons and will continue to until you stand up. Your mother in law will always treat you differently than her own daughter. Do for your niece as you would want them to do for yours. It’ll be their loss in the end when they don’t have a relationship with with their own nieces
Okay I don’t agree because you help me out financially does it mean I owe you any thing especially since I paid you back i appreciate it an would do the same but you dont get to behave badly because you did us a favor since you know how she is i wouldnt compete once your plans are made stick to it if they cant come i would tell them thank you an next time maybe you can do something to gether give her a list if she dont bring her half you will have to start making some decisions your husband need to take a stand and if they didn’t think they did anything wrong you would have not asked a child to lie and I would have said something because you don’t tell my child to lie to me you
I wouldn’t even talking to anybody set yourself up by finding friends outside the family.Go your own way if your kids are at school or play centres join a group that has kids the same age as yours.Even talk to your hubby if he has work colleagues with kids.Forget about yesterday start today and all the tomorrow’s. Goodluck
Clear the air and let her clear the air…then let her know you still want them on your life and move on…if she doesn’t feel the same then you did what you could 
I cut off my sister in law and her family. And I’m much better off. My blood pressure and stress levels dont go sky high.
Family is family, you love them but your and your family’s mental health comes first. Set boundaries and you don’t need to be bff’s with them.
That’s how you deal with in-laws. Haha you can choose your husband but you cannot choose what would his family be like. So my advice is, if you don’t feel like treating them as a family… don’t force yourself. As long as your relationship with your husband won’t compromise. I’ve been in your shoes girl…
And one thing… if there is something you need to complain about, spill it out. Don’t pretend to be nice if there is something wrong. And clearly there is something wrong with your sister in law…
Why would you want people like this in your life.?? Look after the family you have made and move on.
Just don’t bother with her. Let her buy clothes and pay for birthday parties.
Say bye bye bye to them. Sometimes it’s necessary to have toxic people removed from your life. Life is to short & precious to have drama
I understand I have a SIL that’s not blood but married in and is toxic. Does similar things you tell. I limit time and walk away. It takes time and strength to do so but you’ll be better off. Her kids are out of control too.
Cut ties with them entirely. Period
Stand up and open your mouth to these people. My sil is a beotch in everyway possible. My kids aren’t important to none of them. I don’t deal w any of them because of how they are. I suggest u do the same
Distance is needed here. You weren’t supposed to be chummy with them from the beginning. Stay away from them, just be civil and polite when you see them.
You have to have boundaries from those that will hurt you and your kids…families are the worst in that…
You handle it by letting it go. You have no control over those circumstances.
Its not a hard decision…cut them off. Period
First things first. Where is your husband in all this?
Its OK to cut off all contact with toxic family members. Just cut them off. Don’t compete with her and dont tell her what is happening in your life.
Why put this on Facebook?
Cut all ties let her off look after your own.
Keep them out of your lives they are toxic and will destroy your family life and your children you don’t need them
Cut these kind of people off…nothing is worth losing your peace over
Let it go. Let her go. Stop giving her hand me downs. Take them to consignment. She is a narcissist. Almost textbook. Stop being sentimental. It’s ok to cut family out when they bring this much stress to your life. She does nothing for you. Cut her out. Don’t apologize b
Live your own life, be happy about it and for the love of god set some boundaries.
Your hubby needs to step in
I’d cut them off
Just keep it moving. That seems like way to much to even deal with.
Cut toxic people out of your life.
Just walk away, unfriend, block, no contact.
In the mean time, look up codependency.
There is toxicity on both sides here. Learning more about it will help you big time.
Out of sight, out of mind. Cut her off!
Time to sever the ties
I’ve a feeling your one sided take on everything is not the whole story. By your own admission they’ve helped more than once financially and even if you’ve paid them back being treated like a bank is probably not their favorite thing and can absolutely breed resentment. Not that you’re doing that on purpose but they may see it that way. As for your SIL “never having to buy any clothes for her baby” I call bollocks. I believe you want to think that’s true but between grandparents, friends and sales at Target how can you possibly think you are the sole provider of their wardrobe? That alone says something about your ability to be self aware. You claim constant competition and piggybacking off your events (which is certainly rude of them) but it sounds like you are just as guilty of being competitive and staking claim to certain celebrations. As for the “disciplining your child” situation it’s clear you weren’t there so I can only assume they or some other relative was watching them. You don’t say what actually happened and not knowing what kind of parent you are makes it difficult to assess. If your child acted out they likely felt their way of handling it was appropriate. You say they instructed your child to lie about what happened but that might just mean they said not to make a big deal about it. I don’t like it when other people discipline my kids either but sometimes it’s just me being over sensitive. No real damage was done to your child and your family might very well see you as the one overreacting. Your in laws may be difficult, unfair people but there are two sides to every story and if you want real advice, and not just a bunch of strangers telling you how evil they are and how great you are, then start with yourself. Ask where you may have been rude or self involved. Ask how you may have alienated or neglected them. Ask what you can do to improve relationships. You have no control over others feelings or behavior, only your own. Start there.