During my pregnancy, my other half was never home. I was placed on extreme bed rest due to major health concerns, was not allowed alone with my children (major health issues could lead to my being hurt), and despite this, his hobbies and activities came first. He said he was trying to make money, but it didn’t pan out. When I had her, I crashed and almost died. After I had her, I thought he would be home more. When I begged for more time, he got angry. He didn’t have any sort of interest in spending time together until I was packing my bags when she was six months old since I was doing it all alone anyway. I’m struggling with this. He says he panicked. I need advice on how to look past this. I trust him, and we had hit our seven-year mark. My older children, he’s raised like they were his own. Please, only helpful advice.
7 year mark is just an excuse, either you love someone or you dont.
He will either be there for you or he won’t.
If you’ve talked to him about and he didnt take you seriously until you left then that is his fault. He showed you his true intentions.
Pack your bags and leave for a little bit. Show him you’re serious. What’s the point in having a roommate you have to take care of. If he was doing this before the birth of your child, it’s not a case of him being traumatized from almost losing you. It’s who he is, only you can decide if you want to deal with that or not.
Has he changed for the better, since he panicked ? If not you have your answer . Good luck Momma
Im sorry. Do you believe you made a wise choice? Or are you worn out with the choice you made?
Stay gone until you’ve worked out a set of must haves from him. Things he will commit to. Being home every saturday, being home for mornings, and then dinner through bedtime every night. He must be home when you are sick. Whatever it is. If he can’t even negotiate stuff like that, it won’t work. If he says he will do it, come home and give him 1 month to give you what you asked for. If he screws up beyond that, leave again and don’t come back. He needs to learn how to prioritize. Either he’ll figure it out, or he won’t. Sink or swim. I would suggest counseling too. But first you have to decide if he really loves you or he’s just afraid to be alone when he comes home.
If he isn’t around has no time for your or his own child then there’s no hope pack his bags and tell him to sling it
If his attitude has changed since packing your bags, then maybe try counseling to move past it. However if he’s already back to being how he was before I’d say you need to leave. Being together 7 years doesn’t mean you’re stuck together, people grow ans change and either you do it together or you have to move on…
My advice is to leave. Your children are learning that you have no value in your relationship. Your boys are learning how to treat their future wife and your daughters are learning women have no value.
You don’t look past this. You leave. You put your big girl panties on and choose your kids first and leave.
He needs to shape up or ship out. It’s up to him to prove to you that he has changed and that he realizes his behavior was wrong. He has to change and do better. If he does you will begin to heal naturally, but if he doesn’t you will have your answer as well, that youre better off without him.
I say Therapy.
You can’t fix the problem when you don’t understand the underlying issues that may be causing those problems. But that would be the last resort. Because if it don’t help or hes not willing to gob then hes not willing to save the relationship.
If he was that way before he may say he panicked just to get you to stay get out of there he will change for a week or even a month then go right back cause he thinks he has you where he wants you threaten to leave he will pull all kinds of stunts to keep you there he sounds like he can’t live with you and can’t live without don’t give him a choice get out and stay .
Believe it or not it’s really really hard for a man when his wife is pregnant and that first year after birth I know not an excuse but I speak from personal experience that with the body changes and the hormones and everything else it scares the shit out of men I have met a few champs that do great but it’s very rare. give him time give him patience and understanding and don’t forget his needs as a man more often than not, woman have to put the best foot forward to start seeing change. All of this being said I am assuming you still love him
Listen when you are together it is for better or worse in sickness and health. If he can’t be there during those times I wouldn’t let him be there in the good times. Only you can answer the question you put out there. We can say what we would do. Good luck and God bless.
People go through shit. Times get tough. It’s for better or worse, regardless of a ring, when y’all have family. For me… It’s been the worst 2 years of our lives (together since 2007), but we stuck it out and we are better people for it. Our love is stronger than it’s ever been. Don’t throw in the towel when times get tough. You say you trust him… so trust him. If nothing changes then you know. But keep communicating or you’ll never figure things out.
If when you almost died, didn’t face him; then honestly don’t think anything will! If you’re looking for advice from total strangers knowingly you will stay w/this so call man there’s really no need for advice. You need to learn your worth first, why would you want your own children learning from this person if he can’t even help their mother in a time of need!
You are raising another child. Please stop. You are not HIS mother and have enough on your plate. It’s time to move on, for good
I am so sorry you have a young baby and are having to deal with this. This must be so difficult for you. Is the love still there between the two of you? Do you want it to work out? I wouldn’t recommend leaving unless you are absolutely sure. Don’t do something you would regret later on. He might be going through something that is causing this behavior. I would get to the root cause of what’s really going on and then go from there to see if it can be fixed. I think a trained therapist can help you discover the deeper issues here.
You should have still left. Actions speak louder than words.
Leave. It doesn’t get better. His actions say he doesn’t care, and actions speak louder than words. He should have been there. Mine did the same and nothing ever changes.
Sounds like there’s more he’s hiding? Making money that never paned out??? Are you sure he’s not cheating? I used to say oh no he wouldn’t do that to me!! And he did. I just loved him so much. I didn’t want to face it. Or something else be careful. And watch out for your babies
If he doesn’t want to spend time with you or the kid then that is his loss but if he provides a roof over your head and clothes on your back let him do his thing. 
Btw, I found it’s not How long but what he’s done in that amount of time that said he truly loves you.
Sounds like he actually did indeed panic. Yet there is a certain timeframe with it all. He should have manned up and told you how he was feeling and to support one another on this. He epically failed in my own opinion. I also think you’re one he’ll of a woman to take him back. Therapy would be a must as well as a definite time frame set by that therapist. Get to the bottom of it all.
Realize your worth. He’s going to treat you how you ALLOW him to.
Personally, if I was in that situation I would stay on the condition yalls see a therapist. If he is not willing to do that, that indicates he is not willing to put in the work to better himself and your relationship.
Pack those bags and go! If you don’t now , it will only go back to the way it was. Look out for you, cause no one else will. Good luck
If he only wanted you around when you were getting ready to leave, then I think that should tell you something right there. I would leave. If you almost dying doesn’t shake him then nothing will. You and your kids deserve better.
If you need his help that bad and he didn’t. Maybe should just takes his money and go. Doing it alone right now.
It’s amazing how many time I come on this page and see everyone’s first answer is ," just leave him, get out while you can, there are plenty of men out there," etc etc etc. I’m not talking about instances of domestic abuse or when someone is being physically abused
They are married!! It shouldnt be/isnt that easy. Marriages overall yes, should make you happy. But “happy” isnt an emotion that is constant in any area of anyone’s life. That’s just life. Sometimes you’re sad, mad, frustrated. That’s normal and realistic. Its not realistic to be happy at all times of the day every second. That being said,
I think you and him need to either really sit down and talk about what you need, want and expect or both of you see a therapist together. Sometimes its just easier and more productive to have a 3rd party there to facilitate the tougher/more emotional conversations that you’ve been having a difficult time doing at home just the 2 of u.
Theres many reasons he can be pulling away from the marriage/father role or just domestic life in general. Let’s not forget we are ALL human and dont always react the best in high stress situations or circumstances. yeah, in turn, sometimes the people we love get their feelings hurt bc it’s hard to process why theyre doing it, esp without them knowing or telling u why they’re doing it. Regardless of why, although very important for HIM to figure out why and relay to you in a productive way, its causing you pain and hurt that’s making you uneasy and like he doesn’t care etc. Thats why the counselor can be so important , bc they can interpret and explain how hes feeling sometimes better then he can put into words where it would be helpful for you.
Give it some thought and figure out what you really want. It sounds like u wanna make it work and just want to have more help and support both physically and emotionally. Communication is the key to any marriage. Talk to eachother that’s where js start.
Have you thought that maybe you almost dying did something to him, and he was scared so he try ed to occupied his mind. It’s not that he didn’t care but he didn’t know how to deal with what almost happen and his issues. Not saying it’s right but men don’t usually face up to there feelings and usually hide away. You both need to talk to one another. If your gonna run cause a man got scared and didn’t deal with his feelings your never gonna be happy in a relationship. Men don’t deal with things women can. Why we are the ones who bare children. Where the stronger of the 2. Not an excuse just facts. Talk it out. Go for cousilling.
(Continued)** Give him your " non-negotiables." Which are a list of say 3 or 5 things that you yourself have decided on and WILL NOT budge with. For example: 1. not being a priority- family and family needs comes first before anything else. And so on. But those r things u need to pick and afterwards, discuss with him . Make him understand those r things u will not , under any circumstance, stand for and those r the things you expect for him to value and take seriously.
Go to counseling. He sounds like one that won’t change unless he has an outside party telling him he’s being a selfish fuck.
It’s time to move on. He sounds like he’s really immature and selfish. You can do better then that.
Girl the most helpful thing you can do is leave. Don’t let him trick you into staying. Idc if you have been together 10 years you deserve better and he is not willing to give it to you. Someone out there is dying to. And being together so long he should of jumped right in and wiped your ass if needed.
I was married 4 years before getting pregnant. Iffy if I could carry a baby full term. No help from husband. Went into shock when I delivered, hospitalized for 7 days. After coming home, no help. I stayed 3 more years, no change. We left then. You will have to decide when is enough and no threats or ultimatums. When you don’t follow through they will be ignored from then on. But be sure, be pro-active, plan, don’t leave angry or on a whim. It is a very important choice. I made the right choice for all of us including my husband. He just didn’t want to make that decision. We were best friends after that.
If he’s making an effort now then try your best and give him that chance. If he’s not making an effort then pack your bags and leave .
You all need to sit down and talk!! Seems to be lack of communication!!
A red flag is a red flag. Trust actions not words. I mean why talk now? His actions tell you all you need to know about his priorities regarding you.
The 7 year itch i presume. Like others have commented, seek counciling and if he denies then that should be your wake up call.
Personally my kids bio father was the same way, putting his children second to everything and anything. When id try to leave he would beg and pled for me back explaining he would do better … Turns out he jus didnt wanna pay child support.
Frist, dont do anything if u upset or mad, cause its not real. You guys need to talk and if he really loves u he should want to spend time with u. No one can tell u what to do, you will know what best for u and u kids, just rememeber hes teaching his kids how to act too.
Couples counseling might help you both
I don’t think you can. I would leave anyway… Teach him a lesson. Make him gain your trust. If it was me I couldn’t do it anymore…
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t even want to spend time with you or his child? What example is that for your child? That will be all they expect from a partner some day. Lead by example.
Why bother being married or even be a couple. You know this is not right. A family should want to spend time together. But if he doesn’t want to you and the kids need to do things together. I would not force or beg for his time. In fact I would kick his ass out. Your not being a very good role model to your kids don’t make them miss out on family time. The memories made by doing family things pricelist
Why would you think having a baby with him would make him different? That’s the problem. Change yourself but don’t think you can change anyone else.
All the advice in the world, is just that,only you know,the true situation, what you feel & what works, for you, so this is what I’m saying, search your heart & do what’s best for you & your child.
Not all of us,are the same,I raised 2 children alone,with my parents help,now I’m raising 2 of my grandchildren, with my so of 11yrs,he works & provides and even plays with children but i do all the heavy lifting parts, I often get frustrated, however, hes a Goodman & he is just playing the father role that society set,long b4 I was born, it angers me,however, not enough to leave.
That’s my story,i wish you luck.
Hire a baby sitter state that you need a night out go get a makeover and a new outfit and do something fun for a change recapture why you fell in love with each other do something you both like to do give yourselves a chance
Leave him. It sounds like you are not a priority
Sometimes when it has hurt really bad, it does not matter what the other person does. It is over regardless of what anyone says or does. But if you are still trying to give it your all, you have to make time for yourself and for just the two of you. Date nights. It doesn’t have to cost money. Set the kids up in their room with a movie night and have a movie night just the two of you in the living room. That’s how we do low budget date night and the kids have fun too.
If he continues acting this way, take your kids and leave.
I wouldn’t want to try to change a man that didn’t value precious time w their new baby. Bye felicia…