My son's mother is a mess, what do you think?

I have a 10-year-old son that isn't biologically mine.

After reading our back story would you consider our situation to be protective or forced estrangement on our end?

I’ve been married to his father for 6 years and have been involved ever since. He refers to me as his mother and nothing less. I’ve been raising him as my own since he was just 4 years old. I’m honestly all he has known as a mother. I do everything a mother is expected and have been very devoted to him. He is happy and well adjusted to our lives. We don’t know the phase stepmom or stepson. He is simply my son and I am his mom.

He has solely lived with his father since he was a year old. His biological mother has been absent for the majority of his life and the rest she was extremely inconsistent. She was young and a ward of the state when she gave birth. She was placed in a home as a mother/child placement shortly after giving birth. However, a few weeks before aging out of the system she ran away from the home to live with an abusive boyfriend at the time and abandoned him with the foster family when he was only a few months old. He then became a ward of the state himself. It was at that moment his father took action to gain custody of his son. He was a year old when his father was awarded temporary custody with the agreement of his biological mother and she was awarded 1 hour a month of supervised visitations at his discretion. His father raised, supported, and provided for his son without any kind of contribution from her or child support for all these years. He has lived with his father full-time with very minimum visitation with his biological mother. She was inconsistent with her visitations and always had an excuse. She has never done anything for him, not even anything small, for his birthday or holidays. Actually, she has missed every single birthday, achievement, and milestone. Needless to say, he doesn’t much know her and does not consider her his mother. He has only spent a hand full of time with his siblings as well and does not consider them his siblings. She would disappear for years at a time and reappear demanding immediate unsupervised access. If denied she would become unpredictable, irrational, and never fail to verbally attack with threats to abduct him. Although she has rarely been denied access unless reasonable. His father tried hard to allow her to be as involved as she wanted until it become clear that it was affecting his son.

She even lost custody of her 4 children at their births not long after him and it took her until about 3 years ago to gain custody as they were living in a group home. During those 3 years she never once reached out to ask about him or for visitation. It was ultimately a blessing considering at the time it was unknown to us that she consistently has child welfare in her life, endless accusations, and several investigations.

It wasn’t until last year that she reached out wanting to build a relationship with him despite her past decisions. She shamefully deceived us into thinking she had better herself. She quickly showed us otherwise as it was incident after another dealing with her and every single visit ended in him being injured or taught something inappropriate. He even had to have staples in his head during a visit. I mean I could go on and on about all the terrible things she has done and said but I’ll be here all day.

We stopped her visitations completely and we don’t intend to allow her any in the future. He is fine with this and prefers it.

She was harassing me with threats for a while because she wasn’t allowed access but she also refused to be supervised. It has now been a year, she has not contacted us about him, and she has us blocked from contacting her.

Wouldn’t that be considered abandonment?

She recently had her children removed from her care during an active investigation for suspected sexual abuse but was given her children back because they didn’t have sufficient evidence to prove she caused or allowed the abuse to happen but there was enough evidence to determine they were sexually abused. I find it odd and personally believe she knows exactly what happened to them. She has a live-in boyfriend that we don’t know much about too. We found out during her investigation that she has untreated personality and mental disorders.

We were involved in her investigation because she attempted to accuse him of sexually abusing his siblings during the limited time he spent with them. It was proven utterly false. Her accusations to us are unforgivable. We do not want her in any way involved in his life ever again just like she hasn’t been in the past. He has a mother in me, a father, and his siblings that he shares his daily life. He has a safe home, a loving environment, and everything he needs. He is more than content.

She is accusing us of wrongfully alienating her causing the estrangement and is supposedly consulting an attorney.

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A judge will laugh in her face! You should file for termination of her rights due to neglect/abandonment IMMEDIATELY! She’s no mother!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My son's mother is a mess, what do you think?

I feel this we are in a similar situation

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Depending on the state, afyer so many months with no contact, yes. It’s abandonement.
You need a lawyer.
In NC, 6 consecutive months is grounds for Abanadonment Termination. But every state is different.
Get. A. Lawyer.

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She is not consulting an attorney. She is trying to scare you. File for adoption. She won’t contest it once she realizes it is through the courts. With sexual abuse involved, fight for him with everything you have!

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The best way to move forward is with a step parent adoption. Regardless of how bad she is or has been, a court will allow her to exercise her rights. She will be granted visitation to some degree and there’s a chance she could eventually get custody if your in a state, or have a judge, that favors mothers. Contact a lawyer and start a step parent adoption.

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Omg… Build a literal moat around this child from that woman! You are not wrong.

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Sounds like my daughters father. Protect that child with everything inside you! That child’s heart is so delicate and precious and the last thing you need is this woman causing more long term trauma.

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Why don’t you adopt him and take her rights away

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You are protecting your child. If she came back and established a good relationship different story but sounds like that’s not the case. She has no case and would be lucky to get any visitation

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Just here to say, thank you for stepping up and loving that child as if he was “your own”. Growing up without a mother figure is HARD. They’re lucky to have you. I’m sending love and prayers your guys way. Protect that little man :blue_heart:

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Every state will have different laws but it’s my opinion that you have a good case for adoption. She will then have no rights to him and no reason to bother you again.

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She doesnt have a leg to stand on with all records she now has from child services. Im apalled she still has custody of the rest. Despicable excuse for a human.

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After that accusation on him I’d never allow her another second with him. That could ruin his life. Adopt him and never look back.

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I’m curious about the age of the father when this minor ward of the state conceived this baby…but aside from that clearly her life has not been good. Not sure what the solution is here…I would ask an attorney what constitutes abandonment in your state. I would also suggest that although you don’t have to like her, or trust her with the child you should try to have some empathy for her, it sounds like she had a rough go of it from early on :woman_shrugging:

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Keep up the great work you two. DO NOT LET HER NEAR YOUR CHILD AGAIN, if he is ever going to have a chance in life and a good life, you have to fight and keep him, It breaks my heart to hear his mom mother could care less what happens to him. I am so glad his dad when and got him. HE NEEDS YOU BOTH NOW MORE THEN EVER, PLEASE DON’T LET HER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM. I wish you guys and the kids all the best to a happy life, your son is counting on you guys…

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Contact a lawyer. These kinds of things get messy. Keep all messages she has sent and don’t engage in any negative things she says.

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Just know one day he may change his mind, also get him in therapy if she has undiagnosed mental health issues he will have them as well

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Idk where you are but in MO, willingly failing to have contact with your child for 6 months or more is seen as abandonment and rights can lawfully be stripped.

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I’d contact a lawyer and beat her to the punch. (Though she doesn’t sound like anyone that could even afford an attorney) I’d file for termination of parental rights and then file for adoption so you would legally be his mother.
I did this with my son’s Bio dad. Same situation. Very inconsistent. Would poof for months and not even ask about him then show back up demanding his visits. I filed for termination of rights (on my own mind you as I couldn’t afford an attorney) The Judge granted the Termination on the stipulation my husband adopted my son.
I definitely didn’t wait 10 years though. My son was adopted the day before his 4th birthday by the man who has been his Dad since he was 1.
You need to file for termination and not wait any longer

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I’d contact an attorney. I’m kinda going thru the same thing in NC. My kids father hasn’t seen them since our youngest was 2 he will be 7 in February. He’s in and out of jail and prison for drugs and theft doesn’t contact them when he is out. They don’t even know who he is. I’ve been their constant since birth.

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She’s gaslighting. Better off without her in his life.

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Poor kid! She’s a basket case!

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I have custody of 3 and parents have supervised visitation, i cant let them go with them, they have to see a judge to do so, i will be in contempt of court if i let them take the kids, even if i thought they got their shit together, they still need to go to court, i still cant let them take the kids.

I’m a step mother of 2 boys for the past 13 years. Things with their mother were rough. After about 5 years things git better. But I always did what I needed to to protect them. Sounds like your being a great mother and doing what you need to to protect him.

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Hell to the no! He can contact her when he reaches 18. She will ruin him…especially in teen years.

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In Al often 6 months no contact is considered abandoning, and also is talk to a lawyer to confirm but most states at the age of 14 can decide who to live with and who they do and don’t want in their lives

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When you choose the behavior you choose the consequences. She chose her consequences.
When your son is of age he can decide if he wants to have a relationship with her.
Until then, no.

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And your worried about what??? Let the truth be told…. In court. Let this child thrive!!! Be the mother he deserves. Period!!!

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Oh my god! Keep him away from her! Biology or not! She is toxic and down right dangerous! Nope!

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Get a lawyer and try to get her right terminated. ‘‘He was a year old when his father was awarded temporary custody with the agreement of his biological mother’’ that seems so weird to me considering she abandoned him!

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Hire a good attorney quickly and file first for her to give up her rights since she’s been proven unstable and has a chronic condition of mental health apparently.

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You’re not his mother no matter what you do, you’re his step mother. Start acting like it, because at the end of the day you’re 100% replaceable and add absolutely nothing to his bloodline and heritage. He isn’t your DNA, you didn’t give birth, you are not his mother. Stop acting like a control freak and let your husband do what he thinks is best for his child. Your job is to support and give advice when asked. Act like it. I know that won’t be recieved well, but I don’t give a shit. I hate step parents that think they can replace natural parents. You can’t! You can be a 3rd or 4th parent and a step parent but you can not replace natural parents no matter how hard you try.

As for the mom fuck her. Let her screw herself in the eyes of the kid. Leave her rights alone though. They aren’t yours to take, and forcefully taking someones parental rights is barbaric. It won’t hurt to leave it the way it is. It won’t fix anything to change it. You’re just mad and want to punish the mom. She’ll never get more than she’s got from the sounds of it so why care? Stop being selfish. This isn’t your life or legal records your messing with. If he wants something done when he’s an older teen fine that’s his choice. Until he makes it, and is old enough to fully understand what he’s doing just stop. This isn’t for him it’s for you. Stop.

You stopped the visits . You’re talking a lot about her to distract but YOU stopped the visits . The alienation is on your end not hers. Was she supposed to grovel at your feet? At the end of the day , regardless of what you have done, that’s his biological mom. Period . It isn’t what you want , it’s up to your son and the door should be open to him. Youre being selfish and don’t get to tell him he can never have a relationship with his son because you think you are better and should be the only mom. Her bf isn’t your business and having mental disorders doesn’t mean someone can’t be a parent either . Stop being so self righteous . I was adopted and I’m glad my mom never was like you and let me find my bio mom . If you wanted supervised visits you should’ve had them ordered through court instead of trying to control everything then cutting her off and playing innocent . Be prepared to explain yourself to the court . They hate the kind of crap you’re up to . Stop being threatened by the thought of their relationship and stalking her whole life before you accuse someone of having mental disorders . You aren’t her dr

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One thing I’ve learned in life is there’s two sides to every story and we only are hearing your side here. But, from what you’ve said here she was very young and immature when she had her son. And she’s got some deep issues. You are doing good raising him but be very careful. I’ve seen where later in life the child resents the step parent because they end up believing they kept them from their mother. Of course I don;'t think that is what you are doing, but things can get twisted and it turns out to be one sides word against the other, and a grown child may not believe you at some point. I would always leave the door open for a possibly that she could later on see him if she straightens up. You don’t want him coming back later saying you kept him from his mother.

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Seek a lawyer, move to strip her of parental rights and legally adopt him.
She accused him of sexually abusing his siblings…what on earth :heart::pray:t2:

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Just keep doing heat you’re doing. It’s a different age in every state but at some age he can emancipate himself from her. Then you can adopt him.

Throw them adoption papers at her and have the birth mother sign them.

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You are not his bio mother, nor will you ever be I read this post and all I see is bitterness and resent for the bio mother? You’ve clearly stated yourself you believe she is battling with mental health issues and you have no idea what she goes through on a daily basis. The fact that she hasn’t forgotten him completely shows a sense of her wanting to be in his life. Even if that isn’t the case although sometimes damaging, why can’t you let the child see that for himself? Seems to me your threatened by her because you feel as though your his mum because you stepped up and done what his bio mum couldn’t. So why can she now come into your lives and reap the seeds that you sowed. Lol either way you sound bitter, threatened and afraid if you continue using that to fuel your motives, children grow up and they seee eventually he will see exactly what you are and what you took from him, eventually he may begin to hate you even more than you claim he hates his bio mom!

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Your boy sounds like me. I was brought up by my Grandparents because my Mother is a waste of space. My Dad is not as bad but he is more selfish than psychotic. Take it from someone who has been there - bin her off. All she will ever do is cause him upset and emotional distress. Finally at the age of 27 , 10 years ago, I told my Mother to do one and blocked her on everything, changed my number, and disowned her like she disowned me at 4 years old. I suggest he does the same but don’t wait until he is 27.

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Keep your baby safe and away from her

If I was you I would adopt him. I see no reason the courts woukd deny a step parent adoption with her history. Then you can be rid of her for good and he can contact her when he’s 18 if he wants.

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Why haven’t you adopted him? She has abandoned him over and over again. It would be very simple to get an attorney and file abandonment and have her parental rights stripped and then you can adopt him.

I know this because we have been there done that.

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At this point I’d call it protection. Just be cautious, because since there’s a court order, you not allowing her the hour can actually be contempt. I’d take all the recent information (the situations with her other children) to the judge and ask for a modification of visitation.

As for her claims of “alienation” well she lost that cause by being so flighty. She’d be hard pressed (and have to have a LOT of money) to find an expert that’ll agree with her.

The important issue here is what does the 10 year old want? I realize that courts don’t necessarily recognize the desires of children under 12 in most states, but if you hear him repeatedly state he doesn’t want to see her on his own volition, well no psychologist is gonna argue is beneficial to him.

This is a tough situation for everyone involved. I commend you for stepping up. That little boy is lucky to have so many people who love him. :heart:

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Up until I read that last paragraph, I would have said continue to allow but require supervised visitations. Only for your son’s benefit. After reading the part where she is allowing the other children to be abused and then she tried to blame her own child, knowing it was false. I would have her parental rights terminated and start with the adoption process.

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You are not in the wrong or bitter and anyone who says that probably don’t know how to protect thier own children.:woman_shrugging: Biology doesn’t make a parent love and being a parent does. File to adopt him and she can stay away. Your son sees who his egg doner is and who you are. She has had years to get her shit together and has not and then went on to have more children to ruin. Keep doing what you are doing. He sees what his mom does and what his egg doner does and he won’t hate you for it.

Keep her away and for the people that say you have resentment of course you do I would as well . Keep being his mom the only person he knows as mom .

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If there is a current court order in place you can’t just stop the visits then claim abandonment. It’s a long shitty process. However, if yall went to court and said that, then she laid on a sob story the judge could be very harsh on you guys. The right way is to get a lawyer. I know it’s hard to send your children somewhere they hate but you have to do it the right way so he doesn’t have to go more.

I’ve been in your boat. My son was 2 when I came into his life. His mom was same way. You need to get her for abandonment and adopt him. Put your name on his birth certificate. He is your baby not hers.

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The dead beat parent always goes for the “it wasn’t my fault I was a bad parent”. Don’t let it get to you. Just save all proof of how things are. The courts will see it for what it is.

Just because she’s his bio- mom doesn’t mean a thing. His present mom is all the mom he needs. She doesn’t sound bitter to, it sounds like she keeping him safe. Do you the mom to just wait around until the ( bio-mom) hurts him again and again or worse? Mom you’re doing a good job

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You come across all bitter and twisted and all about yourself. Women should be each others hero . Nobody’s perfect and she might need parenting classes and support not all this bashing that I hope her son isn’t listening to

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His safety (physically and mentally) is #1 priority. Obviously each state is different but ultimately the goal for every court in every state should be to protect the child… not the adults feelings. There sounds like there is enough of a paper trail to proven bio moms troubled life. While mental illness is a terrible thing(I also deal with) it doesn’t necessarily mean you can not be a great mother and bonus mom! Not everyone is made to be a parent and even less are willing to raise healthy balanced children whom they did not birth.

In my state, abandonment is 6 months or longer without contact. Check your state laws.

Keep the child from her ignore her. She will never do shit she has to much on her plate. And all you think you know there are so mother’s just need there legs sewed shut. And she’s a dead beat that no judge going care no way bio or not document it dates and times. I know me and my husband been in your shoes. And the woman will fall off change your number never look back. Keep him away. Odd how judge didn’t terminate her already.

That boy is better off without her. You are his mom not her and she doesn’t have the right to say she is whether she birthed him or not. Get a lawyer and make sure his father has full custody and she no longer has visitation rights. It’ll be better for your son if she’s out of his life completely

sounds like a step cousin of mine, except she lost complete custody of all of her kids, and many times thru out their yrs, never showed up for months at a time, But they are all adults now & they all love her, because she is their mother, I would say the 2 boys Twins, are quite fucked up, drug addicts (like her) Her youngest is in college, raised by her grandmother since she was about 4 yrs old, High honor student (the other 3 weren’t even close to that They were raised by their fathers) Again the youngest got a lot of scholarships for several colleges & she is attending one at this time, And works, But unfortunately her grandmother died, & she decided to go live with her mother (not too sure if that was her mother talking her into it) but I am so afraid this young lady will lose everything she has :slightly_frowning_face: But my point is, even thou all of this kids mother has been out of their life’s at such a young age, they still love her, She is their mother, As for your young boy’s mother, He is at the age, he can say whether he wants to be around her or not. That still doesn’t mean, unfortunately, later on in his life he won’t want a relationship with her. And please take your son to a therapist, he needs a neutral person to talk to about all of this. And both you & his dad also listen to him & talk to him, But NEVER ever say anything bad about his mother to him. He will figure it all out later on in his life…trust me

I’m hoping that dad was ultimately granted sole, full legal and physical custody! Based on her history and the issues surrounding her being a mother, I would suggest petitioning the courts to have her rights completely stripped and for you to legally adopt him as yours. With enough proof, which I would say you have, you should have just cause. Take some time to sit down and document everything, get records of whatever you can to support your case and take it to court. The number one priority is the safety and well being of that boy! Check with your states regulations on the age of consent and abandonment laws. I live in MD and I know at age 12 here, the child can make a conscious decision in who they want to live with during a custody battle. It may be a lengthy process, but will be worth it in the end. I suggest starting with some questions for family court and going from there.

Check your state laws, first.
If allowed file petition to have bio moms rights takin away, then adopt.
Before anyone comes at me to say " but she’s his mother, she has the rights".
No she don’t, she forfitted those rights morally when she made the choices she made.
I’ve been through it, I have family in AZ that’s been through it.
The best interest of the child comes first, always in these situations.
Or at least they are suppose too.
Any one well almost anyone can be a bio mother/father but, takes someone willing to be a mom/dad.

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I had that problem with my ex he just past away but always some story about why he couldn’t see our daughter it was a drug issue

It sounds like you’re doing what’s best for your son

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Id take her back to court and adopt him :frowning:

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Every state has a different time frame for filling for abandonment in NC it’s six months but also look into step parent adoption when you reach out to a lawyer for the abandonment one way maybe easier and faster than the other

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I would go back to court and make sure everything is removed from her (all rights) and then adopt him!

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So let her, but you be sure to get your own attorney as well+tell him/her EXACTLY what you just told everyone on social media.
No judge in their right mind would grant her ANY kind of visitation (unless IT was supervised)
And look into legally adopting the child too.

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You are his mom. You’re not doing anything wrong. Get a good lawyer and make it legal because that’s the last step to making him yours. Good job being a good momma

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Wow long stop worrying about her if she gets a lawyer she gets one you should get one also .she sounds like a complete POS but keep the boy away from her and document everything

Sexual abuse??? Keep that kid away from that. Supervised visit only. It sounds like she does need alot of help and I hope there are people she can reach out to. That child’s safety comes first.

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I would honestly hire an attorney and adopt him as my own. She sounds like a real winner. Your son deserves better and sounds like you’re doing a great job. It’s not easy raising a child that’s not yours biologically. I wish you the best of luck!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Talk to an attorney about adopting him.

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Your married take all your evidence to a lawyer and legally adopt him. In kansas for 3 kids it was 3,500 altogether but that was with the bio mother given up her rights on her own.

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this is PROTECTION

i would IMMEDIATELY discuss finances with your husband - and immediately hire an attorney if you don’t already have one - and go from there

you seem to have PLENTY of evidence to support your story, along with your husband and sons support, bc they will also be asking him questions since he is 10.
you guys, you and your husband and the attorney, can make it eventually to where she can’t have any contact whatsoever with ALL of you, with out major consequences.
my ex, did this with his ex, and he WON. she will go to jail, his ex, for having any contact with him or their son. its amazing. the mother, just like your sons, was an addict and had alot happen with her other children and it was just best to make sure she wasnt ever going to do that to his son, like you.

this is what parenthood is about. PROTECTING our children ar ALL costs
i would never allow her around him again, especially knowingly knowing about the current sexual abuse going on with his other siblings.

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I was so sure I was going to disagree with you because mother children relationships are so important but I do agree with you 100%. Keep that child away from that toxic mother until he is way way older.

1 year without contact in most states and step parents can petition to adopt. The child is considered abandoned.

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Let her do what she thinks she has to do. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on. All your son has to do is say he doesn’t want to be with her. The end!

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Giving birth to a child doesn’t make you a mom

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Get an adoption attorney & adopt him as yours ASAP!

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I wouldn’t worry too much about her getting any kind of custody…you have plenty of reasons why she’s not fit

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After 6 months of not attempting to call or text or write it’s considered abandonment

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YOU ARE NOT WRONG!!! Keep that baby away from her at all expense. I am a mom to my 17yo from the time he was 3 and thank God i didn’t go threw what you are, something similar but not as bad. You have done and are doing what a REAL parent or mother does! Keep on protecting him. With everything she has on file with DHS you are safe, but i would definitely get a lawyer to be yalls advocate. Also, it is possible to request a private attorney for the child he is old enough to speak his wishes and concerns, it could help to get her rights revoked to your son.

Excuse my French but. . .fk that b*h

Let her try to take you to court. She will not win. You are 100% doing what is best for your son and I would not back down and let that psycho try to mentally and verbally beat you down. Stay strong :heart: