To all the stepmoms out there … I’m having a difficult time here, I’ve been with my SO for just about a year now (bio mom is not in the picture at all, so we have his daughter 24/7, she never sees her and hasn’t the past two years… she just turned 5)… one day with her is completely jealousy, one day she loves me, one day she could care less, next its a whole new different situation… now I have lived with my SO & and her the last year as well - she knows our routine going to work, etc … I color with her, take my dog for a walk with her, play; take her riding with the horses, etc. so theirs no lack in that, tried my hardest to bond with her but one moment when she WANTS something she will call me mom, but as soon as I tell her to clean up her room, clean up behind her self (all in a nice, caring way & even offering to help her) im the horrible person and she automatically says “UGHHH why do I have to do everything around here,” “I hate you” etc. and I have been tryin to be strict and pretty much saying “tough titties, your old enough to understand and do these on your own…”… I dont have a kid myself besides my puppy… but I try so hard with her with everything & its disappointing that she calls me mom and the next moment she doesn’t & she only does when she really want something which I have learned now to kinda ignore and not give her what she wants asap “her tv on, a quick snack, etc.”. Just wondering any other step mom’s experiences without having their own kid and just jumping in…
This doesn’t sound much worse than a lot of biological kids at this age! They are testing boundaries. You have to be consistent and so does your SO. Don’t be fooled young kids test boundaries just like teens and teens. My niece lives with us along with her mother…She tries to play us off each other all the time, she’s 4. My 18 year old tried the same with me and his Dad. And a favorite thing for the young to say is that they don’t love you, this to them is the ultimate insult!
Just be loving and consistent, do not take it personal. She is only 5 and reassure her that you love her and want the best for her. Remember she is only 5.
When my 4 year old granddaughter doesn’t get her way, she calls me a meanie 
but I don’t give in, then she says I love you Grandma 
This is all pretty normal for a 5 year old child even if biological. Their emotions come in waves. Take nothing personally she is still developing as a little person too. Both my boys do the same and they have been with me their whole lives. Keep up with being loving and positivity, always urge her that she is such a good listener and tell her what would make you happy is to help with a small chore and small rewards. You have now settled into a form of parenting yourself by living with them, so you have now entered her life in a major way, it’s hard for adults to adjust just image how much harder it is for her to understand too.
Well definitely dont reward her for bad behavior… she wants to go ride horses…well clean your room, oh you want that toy? Pick up your dishes/mess… I dont put up with that from my kids or my step kids… she needs to know your in charge and make sure your SO is backing u up on it as well
Welcome to normal parent hood, I actually don’t think she means anything by it. All kids test boundaries biological or not, she’s just being 5 xxxxx
Yep, welcome to parenthood.
Follow through always, set boundaries and rules that both parents agree and enforce and love on her all in between.
Don’t let her get her way or you’ll regret it when she’s older because she will be telling you what to do. She can get mad but she will get over it
Just be consistent no mater if she loves you or hates you at moment she will get through it and so will you
This is just the beginning, it will not get better. Stick to your guns and be the adult. This is how all children behave.
She’s “testing” you. She’s afraid you’ll leave her too. Just love her through it…might take years for you to gain her trust…but it will come…I’m step mom to 3…their bio mom abandoned them…35 years ago. They were devastated and took their anger out on me. I stuck with it, and reassured them I wasnt leaving, and neither were they. She’d had them in 7 different schools in 11/2 years…then dumped them. To this day, I’m “MOM”, They love me and all is right with the world…hang in there…
She’s testing you to see if you’ll be the next mom to leave. She doesn’t realize that’s what she’s doing, of course, but that’s how she’s processing the rejection from her biological mother. Love, Patience and consistency. She’s scared and hurt inside. She can’t explain that so she acts out. Be solid for her. She’ll eventually relax and trust your love.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, just continue on the path that you are on. I sounds like she is lashing out to see if you leave her behind too. Be strict but also be a comfort and when needed be a listening ear and a shoulder as she gets older she will remember that. It’s all about the ground work that you are laying, besides her Daddy you play a significant role in her life and it is OK to be her friend as well as her step mom, who knows when she’s older and understands better she may drop the step and you may just become Mom. Remember to breathe and have fun but also teach and nourish her and yourself! Best of luck to you!
Ok just to give you some insight. My son. Not stepson …mine is like that he loves me when I do things with him but when I tell him to do something I get the attitude but I dont back down and he eventually does it. But I dont think it’s that your a stepmom …its you are a mom period. We get the wonderful and crappy parts of our kids dont get discouraged you sound like you are doing an amazing job. Keep up the good work. I hope I helped a bit. 
You need to discipline and set boundaries. You cant always be the nice person. Even as a parent to my own biological kids I have to set boundaries and demand respect and obedience. They can feel how they want but they still have to do what I tell them.
Yes! And honestly, only consistency will make a difference. You seem like you’re handling it the correct ways from what you’ve said. Hold her to her responsibilities and stay patient. I’d look into therapy for her, rough situation having an absent mother.
My bio kids did this,now they are in their 30’s and still do it. Yesterday my daughter asked if she had been adopted I said not yet but I put the ad in the paper last night 
. They love to test you at any any age she will outgrow it soon. Good luck
Just breathe relax sit down with your hubby makesure your on the same page and be her second mom. I’m sorry it will get harder before it gets better. If mom comes back shit will be crazy but you need to always keep where you stand in the back of your mind. My daughter will be 15 in May love my baby and she is still a mess to this day. Her mom can stay where ever she is doesn’t matter to me. I have had three beautiful siblings for my daughter and she loves them OMG like crazy. My daughter was a little jealous of my son from another relationship but their so close and crazy together. I met my husband when my daughter was 4 so don’t give up but if your not cut of for a 5 year old love you will not make it to see her be a teenager. Yes they get jealous so your husband better treat you both with love and you both have to be in it together. She will have you both turning on each other if you dont because they don’t know how to know i can have two people who love me. She make be mix confused with mom in and out or out than in. But you get some boundaries and respect started now. Who cares when their mad so she will get over it and you will get closer as the years go on. Prayers and good luck
Do you have kids of your own?
Not to be disrespectful but shes 5 AND going thru the trauma (and I do mean trauma!) of her mother not being in her life.
Be patient, be an adult and be kind.
It will all fall into place if you work at it.
Think of it from her point of view. She’s already had 1 mum leave, she is terrified that you will as well, so she’s kind of resting you, pushing you to the edge to see if you will leave as well.
Sit down with her and tell her you love her so much and you promise to protect her and look after her. Take her out just the 2 of you and do all those mother daughter activities.
She needs to be shown that not everyone woman is going to leave. It takes great patience and you are doing an absolutely amazing job with it.
I’ve been raising my S/O twins from a previous relationship since they where 2 months old. Their mother is the weekend mom and she doesn’t even get them every weekend. I’ve been battling with the same experience with them. When they want or need something they come to me with love. And any other time they don’t. They try to play their dad and I against each other. When they come back from their weekend visits with their bio mom they don’t listen to me. The father doesn’t say anything about it until I’m about to snap on their ass. But it causes a issue all the time being a blended family.
You’re talking about a five year old! She’s barely not a toddler anymore…jeez!!! If her birth mother hasn’t been in her life for two years, being as she’s so young and only beginning to have lifelong memories her behavior will be based on whatever yoy model for her. I think you’re looking for an excuse to make her behavior her birth mothers fault, but she lives with you and has for years. Just because she’s not biologically yours doesn’t mean you can blame it on someone else.
How about you grow up and model some better behavior for her? Maybe you’re better off with the puppy?
She needs constant support love reassurance and consistency she also needs tons of praise and patience she is 5she will try you
Lmao, honestly hunny you sound like a legit Mom to me hun. My son is my biological son, been with me since the day he was born. One day he hates me, one day he’s loving, some days he says he hates me cuz I make him do something. It’s typical love. Dont take it personal. Your just not use to being a Mom yet 
Sounds like most kids honestly. Don’t take any of this personally.
I feel this is most children at that age…just keep loving her & hope she outgrows it
Not a step mom but my five year old acts just like that sometimes…some of it’s normal development I think. Good luck and just keep doing what you are doing.
She’s a typical 5 y/o. She Knows by telling you what you want to hear she can get what she wants my boys tell me they love me and give me hugs and kisses when they want something and when I tell him to clean up and put away they don’t love me anymore and they’re mad at me this is just the way kids are they grow out of it it will get better.
My bio kids were the same way at that age, all loves until it came time to work. She will get past it. Have patience and know that it’s a kid thing not just a step kid thing.
Be patient with her. She’ll come around.
Admiration to all step parents who take on that role. It’s not only a tough job, but a full time one, as well! I personally couldn’t sustain a role in one.
Constancy and patience. Think of her as unbroke horse testing always in time all will come
Boundaries, consequences, consistency and A lot of heart aches.
Sounds like a normal child
You’re her parent…not her friend
Your her mom … when they hate you it means they view you as mom … bio kids say it to its normal
Just stick to your guns and show her all the love you can and keep rules in place…Do it while they are young because once they are teenagers you will have a hard time…