My Stepdaughters are always telling us how much their mother hates their father and regrets him. My fiancé and I have been together for five years, he has two daughters when we met, I had two kids, and together we have one toddler. When we first met and got together, he had been broken up with her for over a year. She was still very clingy until we finally made our relationship official. She saw that and moved on too, found herself a bf of which she is still with (5 years later), and is now expecting. But I just feel so overprotective when I hear so much negativity from my stepdaughters repeating what their mother tells them. The girls have a whole different impression of their father, they are 11 and 10, and they love their father to death. But I can’t understand why she holds such a grudge towards him. Yeah, he’s told me how much of an a-hole he was to her and how he cheated on her, and she was always still there but despite all that - when I came into the picture she was always perfectly fine with him until like I said, we made our relationship official. I just feel that no mother or father talk horribly about the other person and say all these hateful things. I have my ex-husband of which I never talk bad about to my kids. We have a good co-parenting relationship. Any issues that my ex and I had in the past is something between us adults and should be kept that way, not involve the kids and inform them of the hate you have towards him/her. My SD is growing up with the image that their mother hates their father and I think it’s horrible, I don’t expect her to say she loves him to the girls but have some respect at least. Keep those negative comments to yourself, and don’t involve your children in them. Any advice on how to handle it? Should my fiancé talk to her and bring it up to her attention, so maybe, just maybe, she can stop expressing herself like that to the girls?
It sounds like your husband hasnt addressed the wrongdoings against his ex wife. What might help for the coparenting is if he admits to what he has previously done with her and hopefully heal the harm caused. Cheating and lying isnt just forgotten simply because he is married to you. His ex wife is probably worried if he lied to her he lies to the children. Mothers love their children.
its hard as an outsider to say exactly how much pain he caused her and how much it still bothers her, she is allowed to hate their father for things he did to her. It shouldnt be discussed with the children, however depending on the context of the conversation, she should not have to lie to her children about what happened and the fact that she does not like their father. If a child is old enough to understand what cheating is and why its wrong and they ask why they arent together anymore, both parents should be honest about it.
He treated her like shit, she hates him for it. No she shouldn’t talk to her children and influence their feelings for their dad over it. Sounds like they love him anyway. And have a good relationship with him. Do you think maybe being with you and treating you better than he treated her may be the cause of some of her resentment? She’s human and those feelings are natural, so believe me YOU can’t do or say anything to her that will make the situation any better. He needs to address how he treated her, sincerely apologize for it. Lay that hurt to rest. Maybe family counseling for all of you so you can Co parent well together.
Cheating isn’t something to gloss over, having been cheated on myself… you start to question your self worth, among other things… you start to distrust men in general because of one’s actions, and you can start to resent the person shattering your outlook on life. Does it make it okay to express those emotions on the children? Absolutely not. She should try therapy if she needs an express outlet… and this is between your fiance and her, don’t stir up more drama than neccessary by interfering. Especially if they have a co parent relationship. Let him handle his business, and let things be.
I’d have a little gathering at park or public place comfortably n ask that question in front of all it involves!!! Some play games -lol for attention telling tales- some play one parent against the other ? FOR all involved I’d talk it over in front of everyone n see if something is just a misunderstanding ??
My advice is don’t get involved… The kids see what’s what & it will back fire on her as they get older & see she’s just bitter… My ex husband did the same thing & tried to turn our son against me…all it did was drive a wedge in their relationship… Now my son keeps his distance from his dad & told him straight out stop talking bad about my mom or we will have a problem …take the high road
Being your step daughter’s are at that age, they can now tell their own mother they don’t want to hear it. If it doesn’t stop then, that calls for a conversation. Hope he is being completely honest with you and that lies of his are not behind her attitude. You’re with someone that cheated. He can 100% cheat on you. You are not exception to that rule and hope that’s not the cause of this.
It’s none of your business. Just listen and keep your mouth shut.
That has nothing to do with you. Just let her talk
Sounds like a stand up guy 
. I will agree. No mother should be talking negative about the father of her children. Kids should never be in the middle. Resolving this issue stands with your husband. Sounds like he left a path of destruction. Some women endure so much damage that they have no idea how to keep it from affecting every aspect of their life. There are always consequences to one’s actions. I feel for these kids. How horrible to be put in the middle.
Gotta love your kids more than you hate your ex. Anything less is a major sign of immaturity.
Take her to court and have a court order to get her to stop and get kids in counseling. Going through the same here.
She really does need to stop that. I get why she WOULD hate him, but it’s never okay to involve children in issues like that. Atleast he is a father to her children instead of just abandoning them. She needs to just look at it like that, and heal herself.
he should talk to them. Tell them he’s sorry their mother feels that way, but he has accepted it, and he’s trying to be a great dad and he’s happy they love him. And continue to be a great dad. Don’t talk crap about her, and move on. They will realize eventually what their mother is, and what she’s tried to do….it’s gonna bite her in the ass. But that’s her fault, and her problem.
I always told my step son that grown peoples relationships and issues are not his concern and that anything we deal w as grown ups and parents will not always vibe but it doesn’t make a difference how we feel about each other. The fact we all love him and that’s all that he needs to involve himself w
I deal with this as well. Some people never grow up. You can’t change people. Just hope they change themselves and see how selfish they are being.
it is horrible my husband’s ex-wife used to do the same thing to me and to him the reason she’s upset because you guys made it official is because he wouldn’t do that to you but he did it to her and she still heard about it there’s nothing you can do about that she has to heal that on her own. the kids are old enough to know that their dad is not a bad person and while it’s not right there’s definitely not going to be any changing it because nobody can heal her but herself. just let him keep being a good father to the kids and that’ll just show his truth as they get older they’ll keep forming about the opinion about their dad and they’re going to form an opinion eventually about their mother and she’s going to have to deal with that.
Honestly, she should’ve been over him and what he did or whatever the issue is a LONG time ago! The only topic that should be conversed between the two is regarding ONLY the kids.
Maybe you bring it up to her? Because I assume if he does she would be the dramatic type & start arguing…
TBH it sounds like she’s jealous and likely moved on just because she thinks it would make herself look better, but you’re right. Kids don’t need to be involved in adult conflict. My parents are divorced and that type of behavior will always affect you. My dad never really talked about her but she was relentless about saying how much she hated him and how sorry of a husband he was. Always in front of me and our family. It hurt because she made me feel like I was betraying her every time I went over there because of the horrible things she would say about him. It took me years to release how toxic she was.
He cheated before so I’m assuming she thought you were gonna be another fling and once you made it official she realized she wasn’t getting him back again. It happens. I would say she probably feels cheated and her self esteem is super low and she never truly got closure. Her projecting on the kids isn’t good but I’m wondering if she realizes she is even doing it. Is there custody papers cause I would definitely say something about it to her (him not you) it’s a form of emotional abuse to degrade the other parent and her kids will resent her for it. In the meantime I would just say to the kids that adult feelings and emotions are very complex. She just needs time to process. And then let the birth parents handle the rest from there
He should address it and ask why she feels that way. As you said, y’all are adults. If she doesn’t stop have him tell his daughters that their mom is angry and apologize that they hear those things and have him SHOW them the opposite of what she says. I’ve got 3 others my fiancé co parents with and i never speak on their mothers. One mother is very spiteful and has talked bad but we move past it and he’s talked to his son and apologizes.
ignore it they will figure it out maybe tell them it’s ok we know the truth
A good mom wouldn’t talk down on their father period. A child should decide on their own how they feel
I grew up hearing horrible things about my father from my mother and step father. My dad was not a super dad. In fact, we never lived in the same city/state until three years before he passed away. I developed my own relationship with my dad as an adult and did my best to shut out all the things that were said. When I divorced, my ex would say horrible things about me to my kids. Once again, I did my best to shut it out and not say anything negative about him in front of the kids. It’s hard, very hard, but I would recommend staying on the high road. Your kids will thank you for it one day. 
Where I do agree she should be moved on by now and that its completely wrong to speak badly of the other parent to the kids…She probably was abused by your man in the past. That leaves long lasting scars, and cheating is a form of mental abuse. Especially when you have kids, it hurts so much more because a mother gives up alot more than fathers when they have kids most times. The mom stays home and puts her life aside for years until she can go back to work and progress in her life and plans made of when its the moms return that dont work out…so theres already that grudge to hold. Theres alot that goes into their history you most likely do not know. I got over my ex of 9 years after about a year, still questioned us sometimes though. And i was the one who ended it. He has a girlfriend now, and i invite them both to events and school stuff, but I still hold a grudge because he wasnt thinking of our kids when he was cheating, and believe me when i say i had plenty opportunity to cheat and i still did not, because at one point I truly loved him. He also wasnt the father id hoped. He always was off with his friends, basically whatever he wanted, while i was always at home. I never saw my friends, to the point they were angry… but he was daily. He also wasnt the nicest, and i wont get into details, but i was mentally effected by all of the above for a long period afterward. One of the worst parts about being abused is the after effects. Give her time. Im 4 years out and for me our co parenting relationship gets better all the time. But you just have no idea what she could have gone through, thats all im saying.
I hope you aren’t the one he cheated on her with. If that’s the case, I’d be a bit salty too but I wouldn’t involve the kids
The girls should be old enough to see what’s going on. Let them decide. Move on.
As someone who’s divorced parents talked so much shit on each other and then dad up and leaving me cold heartedly. It’s wrong to do that to a child of any age. I hated the way they talked about each other and how the relationship was after it was all said and done. If it were me I wouldn’t hold my tongue about it. Because that affects the kids involved more than someone may think.
Just leave it alone. It’s out of ur hands. Only person I have control of is urself & how u talk about others. That is their mom & will always b apart of ur guys’s life so learn how to deal with it is all I can tell u.
Ok I’m going to shock some people. You need to talk to the mom and say something along the lines as your daughter told me this please stop or is it true. I’ve learned the hard way not to trust my step son 100%. Kids from split homes can use each parent against each other. It’s scary but true.
Give her time. Acknowledge this happened to her. This could be a big key to the healing. If you truly, I mean truly want to co parent with your partner these children then acknowledge what happened and then ask her for a meet up with you 3 with out the kids and discuss how you would all like to get along to parent these children. Telling her to get over it will only cause her to attack back. Acknowledge she is the mother and you are not there to take her roll but support her in her roll when they are with you and her ex. Give her time to see who you are and what roll you play. Attacking her will only cause conflict. As for the dad bashing this will subside when she sees that she has been acknowledged as her roll as mum and her babies are being cared for. Respect her they are her babies as well as his.
You can get a court order so that nothing bad can be said to the children
What works best is letting the kids brake check her. Let them know you are ok with them telling her to stop
Listen, I fuckin HATE my sons bio dad. Like wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. But, I will never tell my son that, ever. Because at one point in my life, I did love him. I loved him when he gave me my son, and I will forever be thankful for that horrible ass relationship BECAUSE of my baby boy.
Leave it be. Their past relationship has nothing to do with you- that’s their family. Let them deal with it. Express your feelings to your husband. But don’t involve his kids or her. Trust me im in the same boat- stay on your side of the street.
Maybe commiserate with her. Most people just want to be heard and understood, and will stop complaining once they feel people understand.
Let her know she should complain to her friends & a therapist instead of taking it out on the kids because they may come to resent her. Suggest a women’s center therapist to help her feel more centered. Do NOT imply she needs to be “fixed” in any way, just that it will help her process the hurt so she can move on joyfully. My kids flat out told me to stop talking bad about their dad, maybe suggest to the kids they ask her (repeatedly) as well.
The dad knows he was an a-hole to her. Have the dad apologize to the ex for his bad behavior, even if he doesn’t feel like it. Ex just wants validation that she was screwed out of a good relationship. Have him practice at home. He can make notes but don’t put it in writing or she could use it against him in court.
See if she calms down after that. I bet she will.
He openly admitted that he was awful to her, and you think that SHE’s the one telling the kids things to make their father look like the bad guy? The kids were there too. Your boyfriend isn’t innocent. Stop making excuses for his shitty behaviour.
Well he can bring it up to her snd tell her enough is enough. If she doesn’t stop, he can actually get an attorney and she could be in trouble bc that can considered parental alienation
It’s parental alienation, and it’s child abuse.
If she’s telling her daughters she regrets their father I can only imagine how horrible they feel. They probably think she regrets them as well.
When I was dating my daughters’ father until three days after I have our youngest.He have broke my heart over the phone as I was in pain in the hospital bed crying and holding my baby girl in my arm.A week after I came home with my youngest daughter, he have texted me that he cheated on me with someone else while I was staying with my parents carrying our 2nd baby alone.I was mad at him but I still love him as the father of my daughters as much they love him.I have learn to let the past go and focus on my future with my daughters.
Kids shouldn’t be having their parents feeding them hate about their other parent and it will effect them later on in their lives. It would be better if he could talk to her about her behavior and have her to understand that she can’t be holding grudges against him.
Have the dad handle this, it really isn’t any of your business.
If he wasn’t a cunt to her in the first place…
I know here it is in the Allocation of parental rights and responsibilities provided by the court that parents are not allowed to bad-mouth each other to or in front of the children. It can be a contempt of court issue. Does your husband know this is happening? I’m sorry I can’t remember. What does he say? Is he even willing to do anything about it? Poor girls, they need counseling and fast.
His daughter’s more than likely saw what was happening. He not only cheated on their mom he cheated on them too. No sympathy for a cheating pos.
That’s something for the father to handle. Not you. Bring it up to him and if he doesnt want to deal with it then leave it alone. Not your place.
I can see where people are upset saying its the fathers job to handle it, yes the father should bring it up to the BM , but I can see you’re concerned on how the children are feeling, and thats a lot more than most step parents. So you do you Booboo, just sayin. She can stop talkin shit or he can take her to court for parent alienation, idc what either one of them did in the past. They have kids and its unhealthy, and you see that, now its time for her to see it too ( Im also looking at the fact you guys have been together 5 years and are gonna get married then you’ll be in the kids lives for as long as your married, so people saying you dont have a right to be concerned or say anything are wrong) me & My man have been together for literally almost one year and I do talk to their mom about problems we have with the kids. Its called damn co - parenting for a reason! MORE THAN ONE or TWO , its 3 or 4 of you guys. You guys have to come together for it to be healthy, or make some kind of change. Regardless if its his baby momma, or even if he did something like ’ talked shit ’ about his BM you’d probably say ’ hey dont do that around the kids ’ its really tht simple… seems to me BM just wants problems🤷🏼♀️
When I heard from step daughter what ex had been saying…I invited her over…told her this is unacceptable, you have a problem you come to me ( adult) or in this case your guy…not the kids…if this rule is not followed then other steps will be taken…