I need advice…see if I’m doing the right thing without making my kids feel left out. So I have four boys aging 7,5,4 and 3 years old. Three are my stepsons, and one is biological. We’ve had custody for about two years now; their mom hasn’t been in the pic. She only calls occasionally and moved out of state before she lost custody. Well, we found out that she’s moving back to this state because she and her dude split up. my thing is, is that I’m worried about being around her because I do not like her and what she has done to my boys…but I can’t get in the way of them seeing one another. (she only has visitation). So when/if she comes here I’m planning on leaving to go do something with my son…take us both away from it. I have offered the older two that if they wanna join, they can… I’ve told them I’m not leaving them out, just something I have to do so I don’t get in trouble, so am I doing the right thing?
She visits at your house?
Nope you’re mom. You’re their comfort zone and all they know so dont leave them uncomfortable around her
She’s going to visit at your house? Will someone be there supervising the visitation? You don’t have to be friends with her or really converse with her. If she’s at your house you can just be there and let them visit. If you really can’t be around her I would just tell them that you want to give them time together.
Be their mother. She lost custody for a reason. You’re their calm. You can discern is she’s going to be a healthy person for their lives.
Do what is best for your kids bite your tongue and buck up
You can only be there when they need you , she is their mum no matter what, kids know who truly love them ,they will totally respect you for it at the end of the day xo good luck with it all though
You may not like her but she is mom. Y3ah she screwed up but she’s trying just because she messed up doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them more then you. They are her boys first and it she is really trying you better be on ur b3st behavior because wheather u like it or not she gave birth to them and they love her as much as she does work instead of encouraging them to go with u and not see her you should be encouraging them to give their mother another chance it could be life changing for all of them
Why are visits at your home? Or can you not handle the 5 mins it would take her to pick up/drop off the kids for her visits? You could always have the father take the kids to meet with their bio mom for visits somewhere else. If for some reason youre not legally allowed to have the visits anywhere other than your own home (weird if thats the case) It sounds like youre doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation instead of staying and making things awkward and tense with your feeling a type of way about the bio mom.
If it was me, I would want to be there for the 1st few meetings. I’d want to make sure everything goes okay and be their if the boys get upset or are uncomfortable. Is there anyone else who could be there during the visits?
Why would you need to leave? Have her wait outside and pick up her kids. No reason she needs to be in your house. I wouldn’t tolerate that.
Please dont leave them in that situation. they need to see you make an effort to get along with her. Trust me I know it’s hard, I have an irregular mom to my two oldest boys. She pops in and out. But unfortunately that’s their mom and they’re going to love her no matter how much wrong she does. But you are their mom too. They love you and need to know that it’s ok for them to love the both of you. And have a relationship with her in front of you. Plus I know this is going to sound terrible and I don’t know your situation, they might need your protection from her. In my situation, she is harsh with them, laughs at their tears, just a heartless bitch. They need me their to be their rock, their comfort and their protection. I have no problem cutting a visit short and putting her in her place telling her she’s being wrong when needed be. They need you more than you know. Even if it’s just being a fly on the wall with a watchful eye and sharp ear.
Suck it up and be there. Those are your boys regardless. I went through the same thing for 2 years. Trust me, when hes older he’ll appreciate it. Just keep reminding yourself its all for him, not her.
No, you have custody, so you need to show them that you are going to be there for them!! You are their only stability that the know!! Meet her at the library, or McDonald’s to let her visit, I would not let her come to your house, oh Hell No!! Goodluck mommy!
Dont leave your own home. Be their rock even if she isn’t. They will see if she is for real or not, and see you being constant. Why should you go out of your way? What if she dont show or is late? They need you there.
The only thing you are doing wrong is telling the older boys (her sons) that you are leaving to avoid issues. They don’t need to know the adult problems. The last thing you want is for them to feel conflicted between you and her.
So she’s only coming back and wanting to visit bc her and her man broke up… She’s still not worth a damn in my opinion🤷 whatever you do just keep the kids best interest priority. Make sure they’re all comfortable with you leaving!
If she hasn’t seen them in years why didn’t you go to court for motion to modify? If she gets supervised visits make her see them at a supervision center supervised by social workers. Parents do not have the right to bounce in and out of children’s lives it does more damage than good. They have already learned her bf cones before them…disgusting. do not let her in your home! She can visit elsewhere. Screw that. Find her a new man and she’ll forget the kids soon enough.
People can change. If she wants to step up, good for her. Hopefully she won’t walk away again… However, I have been in ur position and I know it hurts u, but u have to let her do her part if she wants to finally
Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like or want to do for your kids… I’d be more concerned with leaving them alone with her the I would be with how much I like her… I’d say try to deal with your dislike for her enough to let them visit with her.
You need to buckle up
And stand up for all
Of the kids ! Running away is awful . That’s what the biological
Mom did . These kids need a stable mom who is willing to fight for them and love them unconditionally. Please don’t walk out on these kids .
You might not like her but you need to put her kids first and bite your tongue and be there when she visits if the father isn’t going to be there
I wouldnt have told the other kids u were going to go do something I would have just left
My gentle suggestion is to not make this about you and your feelings. Its about the boys. Telling them you have to leave and be away from it so “you” dont get in trouble was not necessary information for them. It may have planted a seed of negativity in anticipation of her arrival that you referred to as a when/if situation, so it may not may not even happen. I would step aside prepared to step up if I needed to if the situation called for it, but dont be a hindrance. I hope it all works out for the best.
It is really none of your business. That is between your husband and ex. Doesnt matter if you are the one with him 24/7. Unless the court gave you permanent custody you have no say.
Let her see her children if she is making an effort and encourage the relationship.
I’m not down for so called parents that come and go as they please. Personally I would have had custody/visitation modified originally. All it does is hurt a child when someone comes and goes like that.
I don’t know that I would have phrased it the way that you did. My son once asked me to go somewhere with his dad and his dad’s gf and I told him that this was his time with his dad so they should spend it doing things they enjoy. I didn’t want to say to him that it would be awkward or that I don’t want to spend my time in that situation. The best thing you can do is just be there for your boys and answer honestly any questions they might have that doesn’t involve you having to explain her behavior. You don’t want to seem like you’re condoning her lack of interest but you also don’t want to validate any shit-talking she might try to do about you. I don’t even have to meet this person to know that she will talk shit about you to them; any parent who makes the choice to be in and out of the kids’ lives isn’t beneath talking shit about the other parent. The boys will figure out on their own what she’s about; the best thing you can do for them is to continue to be there for them, listen, and offer comfort/advice when needed. That being said, if her behavior when they’re with her is harming them emotionally, then you and their father should definitely consider talking to a lawyer and having the terms of visitation adjusted. That’s a tough situation to be in and I am happy that those boys have a consistent, positive maternal presence in their little lives.
I would not leave, and I know from experience that counseling is a must because of the chaos her return will create with those boys.
Never talk bad about their mother. Never discourage the relationship between them. Just give her the rope. If she hangs her self the boys will always see that you always did what you could to encourage the relationship between them. If shes gonna f*ck up. Shell do it without your help. If she doesnt. The boys deserve their mother whether you like her or not.
At 7 and 5, they don’t get a choice and you don’t get the choice to remove them from visitation. Even if she is the worst person on the planet, it is not your choice. If you wish to remove your son from the situation, by all means, that’s your choice. Even if you don’t like her, you should be the bigger person here and show those boys that you SUPPORT their relationship with their mother. By you offering to take them with you and leave during visits, you’re putting it into their head that there’s a reason they SHOULDN’T want to be there. And that’s not fair to them. Show them now and always that you support their relationship with their mother, even if she doesn’t show up. They will come to a conclusion about their mother on their own but you REALLY shouldn’t negatively influence them about it. My ex is a right piece of crap that only comes around when it’s convenient for him but I never say anything to my kids about him. They will figure out who he is on their own. They know who is always there for them.
God help the children, their “mom” has and can cause more damage, it lasts a lifetime
Honestly I think you should stay and show the kids you supporting all this. You may not like her but being nice & friendly is best for all the kids. Is the dad going to stay??
She is the mother, there is not much you can do here.
She doesn’t deserve it. She can’t just pick and choose when to be a mom when it’s convenient for her. I wouldn’t let her, and if your husband wants to let her, then they should only be supervised visits and the kids shouldn’t know until she shows up. So that way they don’t get their hopes up when she lets them down by not showing.
I always gritted my teeth and dealt with dealing with my sons mom. Put a smile on your face and do something constructive while she is visiting. My son is 27 and just had twins. And you know who he called to be there when they were born, me. He called her after they were born to let her know. Kids will always love their mom, but they learn who truely is their mom when they need help.
It’s cute how everyone thinks this deadbeat mom should have these visitation rights yet if this post was about a deadbeat dad these opinions would be much more divided. Why does everyone think it’s ok to make kids suffer just because of their DNA???
Let the mum see the kids.
The kids will resent you in the long run if you dont.
I wouldnt give them the option to go with you specially if they think you are going some where fun because they will pick that option every time.
If she has visitation rights to ALL of them they must ALL be present
You can’t tell the other 2 they can come if they are hers. But I wouldn’t even be leaving them alone with her
your a step mom. You knew there was kids and a baby mamma before you got married. You may not like how things go and if they dont go your way. But at the end of the day thats still there bio mom. you cant change that. You techinally have no authority to say they can come with you if their bio mom is coming to vist. It doesnt matter if you dont like her or not. This isnt about you. Its about the kids.
Don’t offer the older ones they will want to leave with you. Don’t do that. Where I’d your husband and what is his decision on the matter for his children?? Support him in that decision.
Stay with them the first few times. She abandoned them she needs to build trust again. Your husband needs to get involved here.
Has she said she wants to see them? My ex moved across the country and moved back but never once tried to see the kids.
So… wait, what?? She has visitation at your house? So you want to leave while she’s with the kids? But you asked 2 of HER children, if they’d like to leave while she visits with their 4 yo brother?? I’m so confused.
Why doesn’t she take her kids and go out? And you stay home with your kid, or go do something else with him. Then no one feels left out. How hard is that? If she doesn’t show, then you take all 4 to do whatever you were going to take the 3 year old to do while they were out. And then they don’t really care if she shows up or not because either way they get out. Maybe I’m missing something…? Either way, avoidance isn’t going to work long term if she gets her shit together and starts choosing her kids over men. And if it’s only for a short time, why tf can’t you just bite the bullet? If you’re gonna act adult enough to take on 3 kids, then you better fucking be adult enough to bite your tongue when their mother, however useless she may be, shows up to for them.
Why didn’t you guys take her back to court when she left ? If it’s not her normal scheduled visitation then no you don’t have to allow it.
What Meghan said!!! Either you’re in or you’re out. You don’t get to pop in when you feel like being a parent, and dip out when you’ve got “better” things to do. My kid’s dad tried to pull this shit. Nahh.
Because then the kid(s) basically just get to grieve the loss of a parent over and over and over again. It’s AWFUL. You should really stay with them.
You can always take them to do special things with just them sometimes to make it fair and good on you for being the bigger person
Stay for visits if it will make the boys more comfortable but then again it’s really the dad’s responsibility to do that and not put you in the middle.
I get your need to remove yourself during the visits.
Not an easy situation. I hope you and all 4 boys manage it all well and stay bonded.
I’d doubt the bio mom will stick around long and visits will dwindle down.
Do what you feel is best for your family
Hmmm Idk if she picks her son up and they go see movie or something. I can see you feeling awkward but you being there in your home may be the best thing you can do. I wouldn’t leave
From the sound of it the biological mother won’t be around long. I bet she stops seeing them when she finds a new man. And you are such a great woman to treat all boys equally and I’m sure they love you for it!
Visits i would have in a public place not their home that is their safe spot. Leave her out of that. That advice was given to me by a state therapist in similar situation. Id also stay for the visits just so they know u r there for them but u dont have to socialize much with her. And maybe will even make her uncomfortable. I would give older koddos the option to not go still though
I have the same situation and there is no way I’d leave my son like that. You are their mom, their safe space. At this point they don’t even really know this woman and you are going to leave because you “don’t like her” . It’s not about you… grow up and be there for your sons.
Every time you engage with a challenging human ask yourself.
What if this person was Gid in disguise…
Would it change the way you feel about them and the way you engage with them?
I’ve been blessed.
I get along great with my bonus kids
Always have. Not that we didn’t have normal growing pain. But I always treated them with respect. Treated theyr mom with respect. There were plemty of times I felt very strongly about things but I still stayed out of things that weren’t my business
Respect is everything
This coming from the mom that the step mom doesn’t support a relationship with the dad and daughters enough if that makes any sense. For no reason and Totally different situations.
I see how it has affected my girls and breaks my heart so if it was me I would do whatever the children need and want, your the mom in my eyes and you may have to pick up pieces for the kids time and time again but you are ultimately teaching them how to be a great parent/person and showing them the love and respect you have for them. Kill that B with kindness haha as much as you can anyway, no woman is more bothered then a woman that is unbothered!
After two yrs she needs to EARN HER WAY BACK
I would stay emotionally neutral in front of all kids. put your feelings aside and be there, show them they come first as bio mom has never shown them. Support that relationship and realize what it may mean to their concept of themselves. Children take everything onto themselves including their parents behavior, especially a less than stellar parent. Children hold themselves absolutely accountable for a freaking bad parent even though they shouldn’t. They ask themselves what THEY did wrong that a parent is so crappy to them. It’s a wrong they shoulder more than any parent ever does. So be there because they will need it. She’ll either fuck up again or confuse them if she really tries. Children need consistency. Be what they need. Put yourself aside. I’d be there no matter what but kids pick up on our feelings and will give you the out you’re looking for if they see you don’t really want to be there. if you want that out and absolution ask them what they want. But then you’ll have to live with being a coward and taking an easy out.
My ex husband had custody of his kids when I came into the picture. They were 9 months, and just under 3. We got married rather quickly and the bio-mom was not in the picture for the first 10 years. She remarried a rich guy, and suddenly got back in the picture. She was like Santa-Mom. Fast forward 5 more years. We divorced, and Santa-mom, became the “Mom”. They dropped me totally out of their lives. Like me and my family (my parents loved them SO much; never treated them like step-kids) never existed. Even when my dad died — not a word. It has taken 8 years to even begin to let the hurt go. And I always wanted more kids; (couldn’t have more). They were like angels from heaven to me. Their dad was a Serial Cheater, Alcoholic. Told me at the end, he only married me to have a live in babysitter. Be careful about how much you let her back into their lives if at all possible. Hopefully you won’t have to go through what I did.
Its about them not you. You don’t “have to leave so you won’t get in trouble”. If she’s cordial then be cordial. If she flies off the handle or mistreats them tell her leave calmly and if necessary call the police. Show your kids by example. Ask them what THEY want where visits are concerned. Do they want you there? If no, then go do something with your son. If yes, then stay and dont start a fight. She likely won’t be around long. The visits should be in public and not at home anyway so their comfort space isnt invaded.
Dont leave the kids with her untill they are all comfortable with each other
I have also had my step son full time for the past 2 years… When he wanted to start seeing his aunty(mother’s sister) we had it set up that we met at the pool, or park and I would do my thing with my little one and he’d go off with her and play. That way I was there if he felt uncomfortable but at the same time I didn’t have to speak to her
Do you have custody or does their father? Without you having legal custody, there isn’t a lot you can do.
What if they want to see there biolical mom? Maybe you should try to be friendly and maybe she will want to visit more. People go threw different things in life. I hope she loves her kids & turns out to be a good mom. Being negative won’t help the situation. I don’t know any details of what its been like for you all either though. I’m just stating my thoughts and feelings and what id want as a mother wanting to see my babes:heartpulse:
Honestly there’s no right or wrong. Just do what you think is best for your sons and it will be fine.
Reassure them that you love them and it is perfectly okay that they love their original mom, too. Love expands, it does not contract.
SHE is their birth mom and trust me when I say, if you step in between them and her, you will be the loser. Support the kids and be there for them, she will show her true colors before long and keep your cool. Let DAD put the foot down and you comfort them if needed. It’s good if you can get along with her “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” a golden rule in this case…keep her close but not too close. Good Luck.
I’m with Melody on this. Be guided by the boys x
Stay with them during visitation! Gut feeling 
I think you should let their dad sort this. So there isn’t ‘ 2 mums’ and your boys don’t feel conflicted
I would begin with a 20 min visit for milkshakes. With Dad present Then a park. For a longer. There Dad can sit and read whilst she interacts with the boys. Then take it from there.
I think it’s always a great idea to do some thing one to one with our children. So this can be a time you and your youngest share. Remmber how ever you feel about her she is part of them . If they sense you dont like her, it feels you dont luke a part of them
Good luck. You are doing a great job.
Tell their father about how you are feeling. Maybe do a fun family outing together as a whole family during the visit. Be their mom! Don’t stop being there when they need you most especially when they are navigating their feelings while reconnecting with their biological mom
When you affair that’s big problems with sons, at once you marriage then staying in marriage, till boys are growing out… Affair affair too many affair like her or dont like her. You have No time for your children need… Many of idiot cheater… Learn your lesson.
This same day prayer saved my life when I had lost hope:
Dear reader, after my husband divorced me for another young lady, my mom advised me to consult with Prof Uhuru. I was resistant at first but the fact that I still loved and missed my husband which motivated me to contact him for help. I was really not sure what to expect so I asked her to restore my marriage and also chase away the girlfriend who was breaking my marriage apart. My life was really a mess because we had been having problems with my boyfriend and we had been together with him for over 6 years now, I do love this man a lot and I wanted to get married to him but a times I did feel a little confused about this and had wondered if he had been true to the relationship…until I found Prof Uhuru. He told me that he was not being true to me. I did later find out that he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend. I was overwhelmed and did not know what to do, although I still loved him and could not see myself with anyone else, I did not want to lose him and Prof Uhuru assured me that he could help me with this problem, I contacted him once again to let him know that I did want to get help with this. With the powers that he has so now I have my boyfriend and I did work a lot of things out and he has come back to me and we are now back together and engaged I haven’t fully gotten over the fact that he had been cheating on me but sometimes we do need to forget the past and move on to a better future and without Prof Uhuru’s help I don’t think it would have ever worked out. he is truly an Angel sent from above! I can’t thank him enough and I would recommend his service to anyone who is having a problem like mine. I will automatically be coming back to him again in case of any difficulties in my life. YOU CAN CALL/WHATSAPP PROF UHURU ON +27638788949
You say you not getting in the way of her visiting but you are by inviting them to go out with you and your son. I think you need to be more worried about them having a relationship with their “mom” than your own feelings. If you don’t want your son there then have a sitter while the visitation takes place. I would NOT leave during the visit. Them kids you need you emotionally even if it’s hard for you to be there. I absolutely would NOT have her in my home though. Go to a public place.
I would stay at the house nearby like in another room or in the garage or back yard for the boys safety
No way in hell I would leave MY home and allow an absent or any kind of mother visit with her kids, if she wants to visit her kids take them somewhere and visit with them and bring them back and I wouldnt need the permission of their dad (my husband) in order to tell her that
I was in the same situation. First of all it is about the children . Can she impose danger while left alone with kids? Have you and the father sat down with them to see how THEY feel. MAKE sure are ALL on the same page. SAFETY FIRST. If you decide TO continue only feeling what YOU feel, IT WILL bite you in the end…there are psychological reasons that the biological mother up and left. She may want to repair the damage she has caused…I commend you for being their step mom…as there’s kids get older, they will see you shine. However many times if you show resentment in front of them now, They will resent you and their father…later on in life. For not letting them have an attempt to have a:heart: with their mom. In life you only get one. This was what tormented me my entire life:disappointed_relieved:
That’s a tough one. U know urself if leaving is for her safety .then maybe you should take a walk but eventually you will have to meet her in the middle somewhere…you love her children and she cannot take care of them. The kids love their mom and house dont want to show them anything negative…stay cool set boundaries and vent to ur friends if u need to but play cordial and stay within the court guidelines
First of all they are not your boys. I am sure you love them but she is the mother and she has a right to see them unless she abused them in some way. People make mistakes as you will find out as the kids grow up. But you are the stepmom to them and that is all you are. Weather you like her or what she did doesn’t matter. Was it wrong what she did ? I don’t know but maybe it was the best thing she felt she could do for her boys. Maybe she felt they would be better off with thier dad. People do a lot of things for different reasons and until you grow up and sit down and talk to HER you have no right to judge or speak ill of her to her children. Don’t make the kids feel like that have to hate her for you to love them because you will lose … You need to grow up and be a stepmom instead of running off to hide somewhere. What does that teach the kids ? When something is happening you don’t like or makes you mad just leave ? No, You act like the grown up that you are supposed to be !
Protect the kids but stay out of her relationship with her kid