I’m new to posting in here. I need advice/suggestions please. My almost 15 year old is doing absolutely horrible in school. Freshman year. We just moved to this town a little over a year ago. I moved us and his siblings far away from their abusive father. My youngest is severely medically involved, so she takes a lot of my time as well. My middle child is a sports kid and takes a lot of my time too. I am left picking up all the pieces, with absolutely no help from anyone because nobody trusts/believes me after escaping the relationship it’s hard putting the pieces back together. I work 50+ hours a week because being a single mom of 3 with this economy is just impossible. I’ve tried taking his video games, his cell phone, grounding him etc. He was doing so well previous years. I just don’t know what’s going on, and he just continuously tells me “it’s hard or “I don’t get it.” Any advice or suggestions, please. I wonder if it’s everything going on, and he doesn’t want to open up to me because that is his dad. My heart is broken and I’m just so lost and confused. My 2 younger ones are 9 & 10 so they don’t totally understand. Sorry, this is everywhere but my mind is currently everywhere as well.
I would definitely look in to therapy and or counseling to deal with what the family has been thru… when i left an abusive relationship with my kids they had trauma from what had happened and then resentment from moving away from their friends… therapy and counseling helped
Ask the school counselor if they have any free resources to get him counseling. It’s somewhere to start. Also maybe try having a “date time” with just him. Even if he gets to stay up after his siblings and just you and him have dinner oe a snack and talk or have him show you gow to play a video game. Kids talk more when they are doing something else too. Maybe you could check in the community for resources for you too. You deserve help too. Hugs Mama!!
He misses his norm and is struggling to adjust to the new. He’s likely confused lonely all while growing up with no one to talk to. Get him into something constructive asap and cut back on other things to even up time between all 3. My mom had five and we went without a lot but we had each other and I loved having my siblings. It’s hard being a single mom the hardest thing in the world I pray for you
Instead of taking things away maybe try asking what he needs you to give him. He is probably struggling with mental health, try to relate to him you both lost someone recently. I wish you the best and i really hope things turn around.
Therapist can help with that. Your son just needs someone to talk to and vent. Sadly, that someone can’t always be the parent. Try it. You have nothing to lose. Best of luck and prayers your way. 
Everyone needs therapy to work on the traumas they endured being with the abuser. Even just witnessing it is trauma. Also he may need a tutor he switched schools and may not have all the knowledge necessary for the new teachers/classes. His learning style may not match how the teachers do it. It can be really hard to ask for help at school esp a new school where you know no one and may not have made any new friends.
Not to be harsh but clearly “you don’t get it” you listed a bunch of hard things he’s going through then listed a lot of reasons why it’s hard for you and punished him for grieving the loss of his dad. While abusive, I’m sure he still loves him but it doesn’t sound like you give him room to be honest and open about his feelings with you so he has to keep them to himself so not to upset you because he loves you too, leaving this child to have to deal with ALL the emotions on his own. Just because the move was for the best doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt and now he doesn’t have anyone to confide in because in the same swoop he lost his friends as well. Take a step back and stop looking at it from your perspective and look at it from your kids perspective because he’s STILL a child and he’s lost everything in one go.
Help him!!! Spend time with him and speak to his teachers. He needs tutoring and guidance not judgment and punishment.
Ive got my kid into extra tuition to help support her in maths and english xx
Maybe get him a tutor . Not sure how punishing him is helping him .
He said he don’t understand. Do you not believe him just because he did well in previous, easier years? I’d get my kid a tutor if he said that to me not think anything is wrong
I’m not sure where you live but in most city’s, they offer a community center that has an afterchool programs, dance lessons, sports all for free for kids to come and stay safe until parents pick them up. They have tutors to help for free in all subjects. You can try your community center for help with all the kids
Sounds like the kid wants your attention in my opinion. Therapy wouldn’t hurt because he probably has a lot of feelings about everything that has happened but i think he needs some one on one time with you. A chance to just talk maybe or do something together he enjoys. He notices the other siblings get your attention more and this is his way of asking for attention.
sounds like the changes are a bit much.
Good grades = time with devices!
It’s easy to say get a tutor or therapist. But when your struggling financially that’s hard to do. Unless free thru school or city. Try talking to the county and see where they can help. Alot of resources out there. Food card, etc.
Some schools have after school tutoring or teachers will help you with stuff and maybe have a civil conversation with him and let him know that he will get his stuff back and when he starts doing better definitely let him know you’re very proud of him stuff like that I’m going through the same thing with my son luckily certain days of the week he can go to whatever class as long as he lets the teacher know after school and if you are able to happen with certain homework just let them know you’ll sit down and help them and spend time with him he cannot do algebra to save my life and that is the one class my son is failing so like I said luckily his school supports tutoring after school and sometimes college kids but you have to pay them will tutor them at your house or the library or certain places
Have him reach out to teenline.org. if he won’t talk with you maybe talking to other teens who have went through similar can give him some guidance or resources that can help him open up to you. I’m a crisis counselor and we often refer our teens that reach to the teen line because they are more comfortable talking with someone close to their age.
Suggest you to consult a counseling psychologist
I would say your teenager needs their mom. Set up time to go do something…
I don’t think punishing him is the answer. He’s clearly struggling and been through a lot, a long with you and now due to circumstances totally not your fault - he’s not getting the support he needs. He probably doesn’t want to burden you, school is going to seem kinda unimportant atm. I don’t think taking things away is the answer though. You need to fit him in somewhere even if it’s staying up later with him at night. Remember he’s at an age when all the changes in his body, how harsh school life is, the pressure kids are under are all on him and you may think thats not a lot as an adult but for him it will be, on top of what you’ve escaped. X
I know this suggestion will probably get a ton of people disagreeing, but oh well. I was that child. The one that did amazing in school, then went thru something horrible at home, which made me shut down. I was completely depressed. I felt like everything that had happened was my fault. Even tho it 100% had nothing to do with me. What worked for me wasn’t being disciplined. It just added to the feeling of failure, depression, feeling lost, ect. But instead someone sitting down and talking to me. Not about what I had gone thru or how I was feeling, but about my likes, my dislikes, what is something I wanted, the list went on. Once they found things that brought me a little joy, they started suggesting them. Like I loved doing movie nights, going for walks by the water & skipping rocks, coloring, ect. Once they found a way thru to me, I started opening up. From there things got better. You’re his mom. Did he see any of this abuse that happened? If so he may feel like he should’ve done something, and now sees you struggling which makes it worse. If he didn’t see/hear any of it, he may resent you for taking him away from his home/friends/father. If that’s the case, then depending on the age, a very serious conversation needs to happen. You can have this conversation without putting his Dad down, but instead telling him how it made YOU feel. And why you left. Therapy didn’t work for me. I went for several months and I never once opened up to the several therapists that took a try at me. I did open up to my Step Mom about everything that I was feeling. Maybe try sitting down and just talking with him. Something like this might help " Son I know you are upset and hurting. I believe this is why you act out or are doing badly in school. I don’t want this for you. I miss who you were. I can’t go back and undo anything. But what I can do is find a way to help you now. What can I do to help you work past this? What are some things we can do together? Unfortunately sports are less important than reconnecting with your other child. The excuse of “I don’t have time because of my other kids” is not fair to him at all. Feeling forgotten, unwanted, lonely, ect is a lot for a child to process. You managed time for sports, and for a medically needy child, you need to make time for your child who’s hurting on the inside.
First off, if you took those kids out of state without having legal custody established by the court…THAT’S KIDNAPPING!!! A FEDERAL CRIME!!! If their father finds out, reports you. You go to prison he gets the kids.DO IT NOW!!! If you have no police records of abuse, you are screwed!! Do things the legal way thru the court and file for child support. You cannot do any of this where you live now if you haven’t lived there long enough.
He needs therapy & possibly meds for depression and/or ADHD. Punishing him isn’t going to help. I’m sorry you all are going thru this.
Praying for you all! I’m happy you got your family out! My daughter has done bad the first almost three years in high school at a public school. She’s behind in credits but we put her in to a credit recovery so that’s smaller and she’s flourishing. Look into another option sometimes big schools are harder
Make it easier on them. Become a teammate and tackle school together as much as you can. Perhaps find a tutor in your community that is a 3rd party and let them help. But don’t make school a battle. Ask what you can do to help and listen to it, don’t minimize the problems because they are a big deal to him.
First of all you are a great mom. Let me say this again, you are doing great. Sometimes big changes affect kids differently. Perhaps you and your child could see a councillor. I also suggest getting some support from the school. Reach out to his teachers and see if there is a problem that could be helped if some things can be adjusted. You have a village, you just need to reach out.
Hugs to you mom, you’ve got this.
Spend more time with him.
I’d look into Big Brothers and Big Sisters for him. Sounds like he needs companionship.
Sounds like he might need someone to talk to. He’s old enough to understand what’s going on. He’s had to move schools and be away from his father. Even if he was abusive. He is still his father. He is most likely struggling with his mental health and coping with all these big life changes.
It seems more like he is emotionally struggling and lashing out in different ways. He just might need time and a lot of reassuring from you that you are here for whatever he needs even if it’s too sit && talk…or even just sit in each other’s company in silence. Everyone responds differently to situations and he’s in a struggling part of life. 
hang in there!!
I’d schedule him for counseling. Clearly he needs to have an outlet. Wishing you all the best. So difficult being alone with all the struggles.
He needs counseling. A safe space for him to talk to an objective party. Contact the school and see if there are services available through the school first, if not start looking for therapist for him. And I KNOW it’s hard as a single parent, let alone being a single parent to a medically fragile child but TRY to carve out some one on one time for him. Even if it’s just an hour for a lunch date or something.
Do you have a local church that you could get involved in? Find one that has an active youth group. Would be good for your younger ones as well.
Give him a break,grades ain’t that important right now,give him time to cope with all the crap that’s going on,his feelings and emotions are all over the place,how in the world can he concentrate,he needs time to just hole up in his room and hibernate,take the pressure off grades,so what if he gets low grades for awhile,(I said what I said),you need to carve out some time for him
Please try and check out all the suggestions given……food card,free counseling,after school programs, ore one on one time with your son, talk to him and offer suggestions. He has gone through a lot,leaving his friends,school,hometown……I was the “new” kid when I was in 9th grade….it was a very hard adjustment……hard to make friends,hard to feel like you belonged…in so many ways….it’s hard…hugs to you , Mama, take one day at a time
I dont punish my teens it wpuldnt even be effective anyway, especially when so much is going on in their lives. My oldest may not even graduate this year. Thats how bad he is doing and Ive tried to reach out to the school who just said he will and told me the programs they have are full and not for him. He doesnt do therapy already been down that road. Honestly the best thing he has done is gotten a job and he paid for his own car and insurance. He bought himself some other stuff. I think he is going to do fine. Even though he constantly fails English he is doing 2 english classes because of his past failures and failing it again. Psycology failing. We were going though some hard stuff with dhs for 3 years bc of his sister. It got to the point the dhs kept trying to take them from me but in the end they didnt. I was doing everything i can for them. Like would always do. So if therapy doesnt work as it didnt on mine he would literally just sit there in a session. And there arent many therapists anyway i couldnt even find a male one which probably would have been better but seems there are little to none in the field that takes our insurance. So i made him get a job. Hes very responsible and has worked his way up to crew lead.
Therapy might be in order… one on one time…
His a teen and the separation is affecting him. I would suggest counseling so he has somewhere to vent his feelings and talk about his problems he may be having due to being uprooted to a new town.
Even your younger Childers have been affected rather their acting out or not.
All children handle things differently.
If he was doing good previous years and this all just happened after uprooting him then it’s obviously a emotional issue and not a school issue, he’s struggling mentally and not caring about school. He’s obviously right that you don’t get it bc you jump straight to punishment as a answer. Stop punishing him and help him, you said your stretched thin so give him some slack, have you let him just have some mental time? Let him have time to grieve everything he had? Is he in therapy? Since you were so quick to punish it’s probably showing him he can’t be to open with you. Give him time, give him compassion, give him space. School is school he’s not gonna remember half the crap he learns, you need to focus on him and his well being not school. Get him in therapy, give him mental breaks. Take a day off with him while the younger kids are in school and just have a reconnect day. He’s obviously struggling and your not helping, it’s time to take a step back breathe and help him and support him bc he’s not ok. Once you fix his mental health I guarantee his schooling will get better so I wouldn’t worry about his grades or school or tutoring they’re not that important as long as he’s passing at least bc I guarantee he’s not having issues in it he’s just not caring bc he’s in a dark place
You answered your own question. This child is screaming for attention. You need to find a good counselor for individual and family therapy.
I would get him to see the school counselor they may suggest Trauma therapy which can be done at the school. Also see if there is some sort of tutoring that the school may offer or if you can get him a tutor. Punishment is not the answer and he is clearly needing help.
Counseling. When my son was about 14 he was so against counseling. He ended up going for about 2 years because he wanted to and it helped tremendously.
Stop punishing him amd get him into therapy. You just uprooted his entire life. He’s going through a really hard time and would be helpful to have someone to talk to. Also maybe cut back on the sports a little bit for the middle child so you can have some time for the oldest.
Not to sound mean but you say your youngest two a lot of your time aka attention so where does this leave the 15 year old with getting your attention? Maybe he’s slacking off because he wants your attention also. Maybe he’s having trouble because his mind is wandering because he has so much stress at home and he feels stuck. You moved him away from his friends and probably family. Your youngest has severe medical needs your middle child is a sports child which involves lots of traveling usually. Your child has been in an abusive home 15 years cause of his father so I guarantee he has some type of trauma going on that he hasn’t been able to work on. Stop punishing him because I truly believe this isn’t his fault especially if he was doing so well all
Those previous years before you uprooted their entire life and fled. Therapy therapy therapy for you and him but mainly him cause he needs it.
You need to stop punishing him. You’re struggling but so is he and he needs help to get through this. Look around for free/ discounted tutoring options (look for local college kids that need volunteer hours or something), look into getting him into therapy (he is young enough to still qualify for state insurance, which will pay for it). Stop treating him like he’s the problem when he’s also a victim. You’re giving a lot of your time to your younger kids but you’re treating the older one like he’s an adult when he’s still a child as well.
Sounds like he is dealing with alot of trauma…talk to him and get to the root of cause…
Go to the counselor at the school to talk about it
You’re punishing your kid because you don’t have enough time to support him?! You need to make time for him. He clearly needs academic support too. Maybe find out if your school has a buddy or student tutoring program to help him understand what he isn’t getting in lessons. Talk to his teachers about why he’s struggling in class and get some pointers about how you can help. It’s worth considering paid adult tutors if he’s really struggling in English or Maths too.
Ask the school if they have a tutorial program. This might help