Advice: My wife and I have a nine-month-old. I also have had a change in my libido since birthing him. She wanted sex when I didn’t. Then mine came back eventually, and now she doesn’t want it. She says she wants more of a connection and not just sex. But to me, having sex IS a connection. I’m frustrated that she isn’t frustrated and haven’t been intimate in over a month. Help.
Tell her how you feel and be open honest get a sitter go on a date night bring her flowers tell her she is beautiful take her to nice place or maybe rent a movie from redbox etc you have to reconnect the magic that was once there
Everyone has a different love language. Remember to choose your battles and what exactly you’re getting angry with her at. I personally use touch and sex as my love language. My partner had fallen out of love with me and didn’t want sex. All I saw was a lack of intimacy. After our breakup I saw how I was I was toxic bc I wasn’t listening to his love language. It’s all a balance and I know it’s frustrating but like get toys and listen to your wife’s love language
A whole month? That’s nothing, seriously, not being mean or sarcastic at all.
Tell you her feelings, but also start romancing. Cook dinner, do dishes, run her a bath and give her time to chill while you watch the baby.
Ask her how her day was, tell her she is beautiful. Shes human and is probably run ragged just with the 9 month alone.
Be patient and try to understand.
In the end. Be honest and do and say all out of love and adoration for her.
The 23rd I will be married 30 years and he does all that often.
A connection? Take her to dinner, have a nice date night remind her of the love connection. A baby is stressful for everyone.
Having kids is hard on couples. Hormones change and emotions go crazy. We went back to the dating phase. Movie night, a special dinner for just the two of us after kids went to bed. Cite sweet text through out the day. Little things. Communication is very important.
Date night is required, show a lil affection on a daily. She’s just pooped out, not that she doesn’t desire you.
Okay i been in her shoes you rejected her so much that she don’t care about sex no more its no in her routine anymore and she’s realized with the new addition sleep is better
Sounds like she feels underappreciated. Make her feel special. Romance her before you romance her.
Find your connection again with no expectations. Leave her notes, bring her things she would love and do things she needs done in her own love language. Sit down and talk. After a baby so much changes and she could have felt very rejected by you and therefor is now shut down. She doesn’t want just sex, she wants to feel sexy and that you find her sexy. Woo her like you did when you first met. It sounds you both need a little more attention.
Intimacy is what she wants. Sex isn’t the only answer.
Communication, patience, understanding and effort!!!
Take her on a date, just because. Watch a movie and cuddle, just because. Shower together, brush her hair, kiss her on the forehead and give waist hugs. Go for daily walks (yes with the baby). Hold her hand.
Find a way to laugh together.
It’s small things but they’re big for emotional support.
Tell her you love her and you’re proud of her.
I’m hoping everything is reciprocated. Because you deserve all this as well.
Same thing here except my husband gained a lot of weight and now his low sex drive is even lower. Sucks
A month? That’s it? Sorry but deal. She did a HUGE thing that takes much longer than 9 months. Now go support her. Change a diaper and grab her something to drink.
Me and my wife have had this trouble since I had our son 6 almost 7 years ago. We have struggled sexually since but recently I started wearing sexy things lol. I got all kinds of new panties and sexy nightys. It makes me feel good about myself and makes my wife want me. I hope things work out for you and soon. It can be super hard but love will ultimately be what brings you together
She probably is. I have been here. Just keep trying and telling her she is beautiful. We eventually come around
She wants affection and for it to be more than just sex. Make her feel special outside the bedroom. It’s not that hard.
Make a date night for the both of you. So you guys can just talk and enjoy each other’s company. Make her feel special
I can relate, im in the same shoes as your wife. You need to romance her.
Hug her unexpectedly. Kiss her forehead. Really kiss her. Snuggle with her when you can. Hold her hand. Tell her you love her. Tell her she is beautiful. Gently touch her without expecting anything in return. Help out with the house work.
She probably feels overwhelmed with everything she has going on. She probably feels defeated.
Try cuddling and making out just to make out. No sex expectation. I’ve found it helpful getting me and hubby connecting physically. Good luck!
Have a 1 on 1 open conversation about it. U both need to b on the same page instead of both of u feeling differently. Maybe try cooking her a romantic dinner, a movie and throwing compliments her way. After having a baby a woman’s self confidence sometimes goes down let alone don’t feel the same. Maybe see if something is bugging her and try to understand what’s going on? Ur doing nothing wrong u both just need to b on the same page
Guess I’m behind the times. No sex for six weeks after giving birth back in the day.
Really? It’s been a month and your annoyed?
If she doesn’t want sex right now then she doesn’t want it! You clearly said there was a time when she wanted it but you didn’t, so why is it ok for you but not her?
The Five Love Languages
This is just a this works for us kinda thing. Me and my husband both have needs and we both go thru I’m horny all week and not want it for 5 days or when mother nature decides to ruin my week . when I had a c section and it tooooook for ever to heal. I still understand were both human beings. We do roll play. We take overnight trips. I’ll turn porn on and suck him till his toes are giving him a high five… I can text him and tell him I need dicked down so he knows I dont wanna kiss and talk i want ×=÷×+*=€×. Real realtionships work bc you need to be able to talk to each other. Listen . really listen . grow together its worth it . sexually satisfaction schould matter both ways . best of luck .
Try harder in the romance department instead of just trying to sex her … Clean the house. Bring her flowers. Tell her she’s hot. Lol…All these things can/will help. Sounds like both of you need to communicate better with each other. Good luck
Why is he on a moms page?
Get used to it🤷🏼♀️
Don’t worry I made my husband miss out too lol go on a date. Find a baby sitter to look after baby for the night. Go to a restaurant for dinner and have drinks then drive home and no baby and ga zaam go to sleep zzzz because you are too tired for the s word
Be romantic, it doesn’t take much. Take her on a date buy the dress and she will indeed want you. Write her sweet notes, brush her hair, give her a day to herself or even just a few hours.
It does take time for a sex drive to come back. Just sit down and tell her how you feel and communicate with her how this makes you feel. Im 32 i have 3 kids trust me i know how hard it is. You both a tired from lack of sleep and having a relationship is alot of work with a new born. You both will get in the swing of things soon
The perfect person for you both to watch is Mark Gungor. His Laugh out Loud series!! Life changer. And find out what both of your Love Languages are- free quiz on the internet
She needs to feel needed and wanted but mostly desired by you on an emotional level do things with her like take her to movies draw her a bubble bath let her nap while you take care of the baby cook her favorite meal those kinds of things
My husband and I have this conversation once in a while . you have different love languages and you need tò seek out what fills her love cup … if her love cup is dry then she can’t give you what you need… ask her if your unaware of what she needs as far as what her love language is .its important . bring her home flowers randomly , get a sitter take her to a nice dinner .stop making it about what your needs are
Try just holding, cuddling & having a good heart to heart talk with her. Give her a body massage…try to do this with NO EXPECTATION of reciprocity. You have NO IDEA how much of a turn on it can be!!
If she is overtired you might want to give her some help and give her time for herself. Maybe she needs time to get her hair done and pedicure to fell like herself and feminine again. Having two babies has got to be a lot! Make time to laugh !
Maybe you should listen a little bit. Make her feel loved with the mushy gushy stuff. Talk to her with no electronics on. Plan silly dates as small as a picnic in the back yard. Give her a back/ body massage with out asking for anything. You make her emotionally feel loved, important, beautiful. She will want sex again.
Men often seem to think you can’t just snuggle without it leading to sex. If you are one of those guys you need to adjust your thinking quickly. There is nothing more sexy to a woman than tenderness! She has a baby attached to her hip these days and it’s tiring. She needs YOU with no strings attached for a bit!
Affection not just butt slaps. Lol swipe her hair behind her ear when it’s in her face. Give her a real kiss, take pictures of her with her baby. Snuggle her at night with out poking her…
I can tell u from experience after having a child u want to feel important and not just a mom. Take her out and get dressed up. Or go away for an overnight trip alone.
Why don’t you take her out on a date?? Spend quality time with her and shower her with affection!! Send her flowers,A sweet note on her pillow before you leave for work,call just to see how her day is going etc!!!
Big mistake a lot of people make is replacing the adult relationship with the baby, children are in addition to - You must maintain a relationship otherwise the children have nothing. Date nights, Sharing chores making dinner, all maintain the relationship. Once you do that everything will fall into place. Two grown kids 32 years of marriage next month.
Time for you both to give to the other. She can have sex when she doesn’t want to. You can court and pamper her and make her feel special. Not just for sex rewards. Really y’all to her. Share something deeper than the weather.
She needs more than to be available to “scratch your itch”. HEAR her, just having sex isn’t a connection for her. It could be the connection she needs is to know you still find her desirable, especially after having a baby.
There are a few comments from dense men on here that are just sick… Smh… As has been mentioned a few times, the best way to get back your intimacy is to spend a little one on one time not JUST as parents. For both of you. Listen to each other’s feelings and the other parts will fall into place. It’s very common to get into a funk after the baby, it’s very important to take a little time for yourselves to remind each other that you’re not just parents, you’re partners <3
You have to go about this a different way
Do you help her with the baby and do you clean up without her asking you…
You have to learn to give and stop being selfish and complaining…
Bring her roses, take her out…
Make sure you have a hair cut and shave…
Google scriptures on love and forgiveness
Ask God to show you how to be a better husband
Maybe your not making her feel important or good about herself anymore, make time for her and dont turn it into something sex related. Get a baby sitter and take her on a date… then you may find she will want sex more often
I’ve never had sex growing up with my best friends and it’s worked out great. If your wifw is your best friend show her the same respect! We all go through it. Find a hobby you can both share it will help.
Shes talking about a touch here and there words said that your connection is more than just sex. Build each other up like this reconnect. GL
Not having sex for a month isn’t the end of the world! Y’all need to have a conversation about things & go from there. But it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Sex isn’t the only way for y’all to be intimate or affectionate.
After having spending half the day working, take care of a child and making dinner is exhausting. So when you come home, help out. Here is something to try, have date nights. When you help out and take care of your SO. So when the baby is put to bed give her a massage, something to drink, or even get a bath ready for her. Just taking a step back and taking care of your wife sometimes will light a fire and help.
Make her feel relaxed. When you’re stressed libido drops. Do the dishes, put the baby to bed and send her to take a shower. Pick up the house, do a load of laundry and when she gets out, rub her back and take it from there!
Sounds like a small misunderstanding.Give her more affection,and try telling her,what u just told us.It’ll come back naturally.Dont give up.
Don’t worry about it. Give it time and focus on loving your new family. It can be stressful and you are both going through changes. God bless you and congratulations on your baby
Emotional intimacy brings physical intimacy
make as much love as you can while you are young,when you reach 60 or more you still think about it but that’s about it.
It’s common for women to go through this with young ones. It evens out after rest is caught up on for a bit.
A womans biggest erogenous zone is between her ears.
Really, not the place you should be asking advice…maybe see someone who deals in these types of problems…JMO
Put down the phone and communicate with her.
Well, if you didn’t care about the "connection"when YOU weren’t into having sex you should know how she feels and be able to figure out a solution. Maybe she felt like you didn’t want her n has some left over hurt feelings.
You have to keep dating while you are marry…
Do things you know she likes
Take herBy the hairAnd take her to the room
Hormones could be out of whack to
Wait. Who birthed the baby
Go looking for satisfaction elsewhere. My moto…
Sex isn’t a connection for me at all. It’s another chore left to do when I’m exhausted after taking care of kids all day. I usually relent and give in once a month to make my husband happy, but it’s not a priority of mine at all. Laying in bed talking to him would be fun, but he goes to bed before me and the kids do because he wakes up earlier. I love my husband very much and think he’s very attractive, but if I have an extra hour to kill, I’d rather spend it having alone time not being responsible for anyone. It’s not personal. She may just be in parent mode and not sexy wife mode.
A woman needs conversation and companionship. Then she more apt to want sex.
Welcome to parenthood! One or the other of you is going to be exhausted
As everyone here is saying listen to what she wants and needs in a non sexual way. Speaking from experience, I am more likely to get a twinkle in my eye when some little thing is done with no expectation…no matter if it is a honey do I didn’t ask for, or something as simple as a neck or foot massage out of the blue.
I think a lot need to re read this with pronouns in mind… giving advice as if it were a man asking … this reads to me that’s it’s a lesbian couple and the one asking for advice is the one who gave birth … communication is key here for this couple .
Reconnecting after a child is important… you guys need to take time for yourselves. I totally understand (from experience, not bashing you) that sex is a way for men to have intimacy, but there are other ways. I also understand that men are not always in the caregiver role, but this is so important too. If there is a way back, which there is:), trying to take more of an active role in that care. Give her a spa day and you watch the baby, give her just a couple of hours to take a bath and let her reconnect herself to being a woman, not just a mom. I had a very hard time explaining this to my husband. But we eventually got there. He never realized how much (and it’s a little different because we have a special needs child) time and energy it takes. He never understood (because women do such a great job at this, showing how strong we are) how we just get so wrapped up with the child and forget about ourselves, and rarely have the energy to do much else. But this still applies with any child. Moms tend to lose their identity, their sense of self, and they need support to help get that back. And with getting this back, sex, intimacy and just a better relationship with each other will go a long way to helping you both reconnect. Take the initiative and set up something for her that she would not do for herself. Set up a date night. If she has any hobbies, do something for that. Ask her friends for a girls night. There are many things that will put her first, because she’s not going too. I will tell you, letting her or planning things for her will go a long way. And don’t do it just once, she will need to recharge frequently! I promise, when you put her first because she’s not… things will heat up in the bedroom! Prayers to you guys!
Sex changes in marriage. Little kids are exhausting. Itll come back. I think you two should go on dates, be kid free a few nights a month. You have 2 relationships, a father and a husband. Although connected they are separate. Give her time, enjoy each other beyond sex, and talk to her about your feelings.
Married couples shouldn’t hold out on sex. It’s a beautiful thing between the two. After all YOU created a baby through it. Don’t focus on SEX initally BUT rather intimacy. Women and men have 2 different love languages. Find a sitter if possible. Then stay in and plan a night together. Don’t expect sex. Talk. Engage in conversation. Then after a sleep in and hopefully day 2 with no baby…then make a move. Sometimes we need a lil rest, a connection…etc
No sitter…help her and dont Wait to be asked. The more u help the less she’s tired. Simple things go a long way. Couples it’s important to take breaks. Help each other. Date nights. Sex.
Poor male baby, give her a break she’s a mother now not just your wife and us tired
Distract her from herself
Men connect through sex (not just sex) but they are wired that way. I think this is where male and females have a great divide on perspectives sometimes (not always). If you flat out said “that’s how I feel connected to you” you would receive a different response. If she understood that it was connection she’d rethink it. To us women it’s not the same, sex is only connection when the couple wants it to be (both want it to be). It’s empty any other way and she needs to hear you say it. She’s not the same as you. Tell her you miss the connection with her and it’s important to you . Connect to her heart if you want to connect anywhere else. Women don’t like to be approached for sex only. It starts in the morning when you kiss her goodbye, and finishes when you do finally connect. She will notice if you start noticing her 30 mins before bed and the response will be chilly. Show her your heart.
Watch both of them his needs and hers. I guarantee you he’s right.
Have you been intimate in other ways too? Like… Taking a shower together and it be just that. Having a true date night. Making sure she has had real baby free-thought free time to herself. Is she overwhelmed by something? Is there anything else going on Like dry skin or brittle nails? Could be nutritional…pregnancy depletes your body severely make sure y’all get a balanced diet too.
It took me a GOOD 3 months after having my daughter to even want to look at my man is a sexual way. Giving me the space and time I needed to get back into it was ultimately what helped me through it. Maybe shes just having trouble getting past seeing her body as just a human producer because that’s what I felt like after I gave birth. I didnt want to be touched and the more he pushed it the worse it got.
Things change after you have a child. My husband and I used to have sex a few times a week before we had our daughter - now that is a distant memory that I remember fondly lol You’re just going to have to wait, maybe get a vibrator? It sounds like right now she is in a funk, and probably feels pressured to be intimate when she doesn’t want to. Sex is less appealing to people when they’re being pressured.
But was she mad when she tried and you didn’t want it?
Both people in a relationship have many stressors every day, some they see coming and others they don’t. Always be mindful of each other, and find ways each day to give to the other. If you are looking for meaningful ways to give, you will have less thoughts of receiving. This only works when both people are givers. When one is a giver and the other is a taker, it will always be a troubled relationship.
9 month olds are a lot of work and that can drain any new mom’s tank. She has a small creature completely dependent on her making constant demands on her body and mind and then here comes the adult one making the same demands. She needs a break from demands, not more to fill. She’s not wrong about a connection, she probably feels like a breeding and milking machine on constantly. Give her some time to herself. Get the baby ready for bed while she relaxes in a shower or bath. Make her get out for a cup of coffee with a friend or to go get her hair done. Even just watching the baby for an hour or 2 so she can grab a nap or even just sit and stare at the wall without any demands being made on her, will help. Try to set aside a night once a week where maybe a sitter or one of the grandmas can watch the baby and you two go out for dinner or dessert. When you two are with each other alone, hold hands, cuddle. Talk about things other than the baby; a favorite show, art, mutual music, etc. Try touch and affection that doesn’t have sex as an end goal. Rub each other’s feet, hug from behind, etc. And do this consistently. Just one day of effort isn’t going to get results. Also, be patient. Her body went through an enormous change and she’s probably trying to get used to it being hers again. For your part, try to find another healthy outlet, like running or yoga or swimming. Try to read an action-filled book. If after a few weeks, you don’t see a change in some form, like seeking you out for affection, then perhaps it’s time for a visit to her OB for a health check. Some hormones after pregnancy can get wacky or, she could have subclinical postpartum depression, not a danger but just not herself.
Well…How did she treat u when your libido was low? Did she pressure u to have sex? Some compassion will go a long way. Since you went thru the same thing yourself.
A month? I wish. I haven’t been intimate in over 6. Can someone help me??
If she’s on birth control it can take all the desire away.
There is nothing like that closeness and connection it’s not just sex
Poor you, just putting it there does not mean it is good sex, it is you just releasing your pent up sexual urges. I bet you have not said you love her in ages, just take it for granted she will supply it for you. Start romancing her like you are courting her again. Selfish git.