I was single for years and recently began a relationship. He has been very transparent with his phone, has shown me pics and given me his access code even though I would never ask for it. I should add, he is not on any social media at all and never has been and he truly doesn’t understand how any of it works. I know that he would like access to my phone (he has never come out and asked, I can just tell) but I can’t get comfortable with that. I am not talking to anyone else and I don’t intend to, I really dig this guy!! But I can’t seem to be as open as he may wish me to be. I have years of pictures and old messages all over my social media that I feel may make him uncomfortable, even though these are pics and messages from years ago, and from people whom I would never reconnect with or see again (exes, people I was friend with benefits with). I have been extremely open with him about my past, I have definitely been busier than he was as a single person and though I have explained that to him and he has been ok about my past, I still can’t get to the point where I feel that I can allow him complete access. I feel wrong about it, I feel that it is wrong of me to feel so protective of my past and I was wondering if anyone out there has felt this way in a relationship and how did you deal with it?
Its not a grown up thing in my opinion. Leave eachothers phones alone. Ive never gone through anyones phone. If trust isnt there its over
I don’t think it’s wrong to want privacy. But it does sound like you’re essentially wanting to hide things from him. Why not delete past things (messages, pictures etc) that might interfere with your current relationship and wipe your slate clean? It might make it easier to open up if there’s nothing you’re concerned about. Doesn’t mean you have to be ok with him going through your phone, but in general it might make you feel more at ease.
We have been together for 8 years and don’t go through each other’s phones…that is weird.
Imo why would you want to keep old messages lol delete and quit living in the past, old pics are fine but delete messages thats just crazy
If it is truly your past it shouldn’t matter, like really why are you so worried about him seeing these things? I totally understand privacy, especially in a NEW relationship. But these things will come up sooner or later and if you’re not okay with it already you might as well cut your losses
So you are a reformed ho and you don’t want him to know… lol we all have pasts … You might need to search yourself and ask yourself why are you hiding things?? Are you ashamed??? Are you afraid he might leave??? Truth is if you are afraid he might maybe he’s not for you… or maybe he would love you anyways… You should be open and honest…Everything eventually comes to light…just remember you are worthy and beautiful and he’s still lucky to have you
Delete the past… Start a new…
Aint nobody looking at my phone. This is America. We have privacy in this country
Husband and I have full access to each other’s phones and neither of us ever bother to look. It’s nice to just be able to trust him like that. I think having the ability to look, makes it less intriguing to actually look.
Can you store it somewhere on your computer and then erase it off your phone.
We don’t lock phones in our house and still neither my husband or I have ever went looking on each other’s phone it’s all about trust , if it were me I’d try deleting some old stuff sounds like this could be the start of something new and u can leave the past in the past.
Delete it all or put on flash drive 
Wow what a darling you are.
Don’t ever go through a phone or allow someone to ask for complete access. If that’s even talked about there already is a problem without the phone.
I don’t understand if you have no connection to these exs/ friends with benefits why would you want to keep the messages? I can understand the pictures to some extent( but if they would make him uncomfortable why keep them?)but not the messages. My husband and I have been together for 38 years, we have the same passcode, I don’t look at his phone and I’ve doesn’t look at mine, but I don’t have anything to hide or stuff that would make him uncomfortable if he did look
If these are “old” convos and photos do you really think he’s going to snoop through years of your content?
If they messages are from ex of long ago why do you even keep them?
I’m not sure why you would want to keep messages from people that you’ve had relationships with from in the past. It does seam odd to me. 
Messages & photos from family and close friends I do understand. Just not from people you’ve dated.
As to giving him access it’s up to you.
Sounds like you’re not ready to get serious.
There should be no secrets between a couple who are serious about each other.
Just because he has access to it doesn’t mean he will be constantly checking. Sometimes we just need that assurance. My husband and I have known each other’s passcodes and passwords for years and years and it’s probably been that long since he’s even used them lol (if he even remembers them) 
I would take a step back and reevaluate. Maybe you’re not ready, and that’s okay too.
I guess it depends on how long you’ve been in this current relationship. Couple of weeks, a year? The more important question is why are you saving those messages? Are you holding on to them as rebound because you’re already anticipating something happening? If you really are into this guy delete those all of it and start new. Everyone one has a past but have you truly moved on from yours?
Girl I’m with u on this , I feel like I would have no privacy and I wouldn’t be okay with someone digging through my stuff.
They should trust me.
This is a red flag in his behalf
My fiancé and I have full access to each other’s phones, although we do not go through them. I’ll ask him to look up something in my phone or text someone for me if I’m in the middle of something and that’s about it. I do the same for him. It’s all about trust!
Why do you have old stuff saved on your phone if you have no intention to reconnect? Honestly, if I was him I’d be perturbed you still had it if we were in a committed relationship. That stuff should all go away when you decide to be committed to someone.
I don’t overly like my husband going through my phone but I don’t keep him from it, if he asked I’d let him go through it but he only ever cares if he wants to look through my picture to see what pictures of our kids i have. We’ve never gone on each other’s phones to snoop, just to look at pictures mostly. And you might find it’s the same for your boyfriend and he just wants to know that you trust him enough to give him permission to look.
Well let’s start with point number one …“recently” that means new …you don’t owe exsplanations at the "getting to know "stage …a red flag about his so called transparency keep nda got me scratching my head …the claim to not be savovvy but you’re feeling a pressure…I see some red flags here …just because he attempted to make you feel at ease with his stuff doesn’t give an automatic buy into yours … you’re feeling weird about and you should go with that gut of yours …his transparency “so called” was designed to guilt trip you …go with those red flags … something is not sitting right 
I can’t believe how many words and words and words these types of posts have to ask something that could have been done in 30 words or less. Trust me, give him your phone, if he starts reading your messages he’ll fall asleep after line 2.
Oh and…if his phone dies and he needs to use yours for a minute give it to him. Otherwise why does he need your phone?
Y’all don’t need to go through each other’s phones. That’s childish. Having the password is different than that. My husband and I have each other’s passwords to it all but we rarely do anything on each other’s stuff.
Would you be ok with him going through your home, purse, pictures, old love letters. Your phone is your business it is not open to the public. Have you done a background check on him???
Let’s just put it this way … If his phone broke and he needed a phone for that work day do you feel ok giving him your phone for the whole day at work without u being their ? If not then maybe your on different levels 
my bf knows who I talk to and if a random messaged me while he had my phone he would probably just ask me .
Give up the past, move into the future. If your not involved with anyone else then what’s the problem? It’s just a phone
Frankly this is all hypothetical and pure assumption. He hasn’t asked for your phone. He hasn’t seen any old content. You’ve been open but he hasn’t asked to see anything… I don’t see what the issue is. I don’t mean this is any forthcoming way but your being insecure with yourself. You won’t know what he wants or feels until he shares that with you. And then, and only then, can you appropriately address the situation. In my opinion I don’t see anything wrong. I keep anything and everything whether it means something or not. If I felt like it would hurt my significant other and I have no attachment to it, I’d delete. If I dont want to delete it and they have an issue, kind of just go from there. Figure out what means more to you. Good luck girl.
I never understood the whole phone thing. If you’ve got nothing to hide why can’t they be in your phone. I only have a password to keep my phone from turning on in my pocket and butt dialing people.
I think you only need privacy if you have something to hide. I’ve given my phone to others to use and if I’m dating (I stay single by choice) if I need to use their phone I expect to be able to use it without question…
Some things are private and should remain so. Would he be comfortable with you listening to old phone conversations between him and his exes or any other women he was involved with? Probably not. And it wouldn’t be his business. You are entitled to your privacy just as much as he is.
You don’t have to give him access to your personal info however communicate with him and let him know that it maybe too soon to allow him into all your private information
Everybody has a past. It’s nobody’s business. He dosent need to know yours. And vice versa.
My past is my past I am not proud of it my partner knows somewhat a bit and cares to leave it back there too so if you feel this is your past then you don’t want him to be a part of that past that’s your choice to make and if you don’t want him to read any of your old messages that’s yours to keep
I hope that makes a lil sense
The past is the past leave it there.He was not there so leave him out of it.Ur business only ur past only.
I don’t see a difference….if he knows all the truth anyway and is ok with it…doesn’t sound like he wants to erase your past…then what is different if he should see anything…maybe you’re NOT totally truthful or you’re just not that into him as a person!?
How bout put the shoe on the other foot… assume that it was his question to us…How would you feel going through his phone an find that old pictures & old messages was in there from his past? Would that bother you?
I can see both sides the past is the past yes- but youve told him about it so i dont see the big deal. With my husband i got rid of what i could because it was no longer important to me. Obviously i could delete it all because it was 26 years of past and some i wont like prom pics, my ex who died shortly after we broke up and my husband has never asked me too but its the past and it hasn’t threatened our present.
At some point even though he hasnt asked he might get suspicious that you’re so protective and it may ruin a good thing.
Id have a conversation with him that the only way you’ll find the answer and maybe its because someone went through your stuff without your permission and thats why its an issue for you.
Actually you are feeling like it’s none of his business and it isn’t.
If you were completely honest with him about your past then there’s nothing that you need to be protective over… Other than the obvious question, why do you keep correspondence and pictures of old flings?
First of all why are you holding onto pics and messages of your exs? That’s a problem in itself, you need to let all of that go. Delet it
“People I’d never reconnect with again”. Then delete the stuff and let him look. Who cares
Personally if you dig this man you should care about his feelings. If memories pop up that’s one thing we can’t change that. However old pictures and messages should be deleted if your in a relationship with this man. No point in keeping them. Not a lot of men are transparent and will give his woman access to his phone. If there is nothing to hide I don’t see an issue opening your phone as he has. Even if you have old flings or exs on social media I would definitely delete them I wouldn’t want my man to have any concerns about me.
Nobody has a right to your past (within reason of course). You shared with him what you wanted. He doesn’t need a play by play by having access to all that info. I mean great he wants to give you access, but you didn’t ask for it nor care. That was his choice to do. It’s your choice not to 
that’s ok’
For me personally, I would have declined access to his phone. Because my phone, my purse are my private personal spaces
I have my husbands passwords and he has mine we have both never had a problem sharing that stuff he knows all mine I know all his hell even our kids have both our passwords but the question is why do you have pics of people you’ll never reconnect with again maybe you need to get rid of that stuff it all comes down to trust
Don’t feel guilty! He can’t expect you to be so open, just because he is. That doesn’t mean you have anything to hide either! Stuff from your past should not even bother him though. My partner and I have each other’s passwords but have never felt the need to go deep diving into one another’s phone because we truly trust each other.
Do you go through his phone? I wouldn’t feel guilty but only if you haven’t/wont, ever.
You seem shady, if nothing is going on why wouldn’t you let him access it.
Past is the past, I delete old shit. I may be different but,if I’ve moved on I don’t keep stuff like that.
I don’t see it as privacy issues. Just because you give someone your passcode doesn’t mean they are going to be inspector gadget on ya phone, it is a way to let them know you have nothing to hide. Me and my man have each other’s passcodes, I’ve never went through his phone, nor has he mine. If he was demanding to see your phone and constantly checking it, that would be a issue. Question is why are you not wanting to get rid of messages and pics of men that mean nothing to you. To me that is the red flag in all of this. You carrying old baggage into a new relationship.
if you can’t be as open, break up with him & let him find someone who can be just as transparent.
so erase and get on with your life and when he asks to se it there is nothing to see bu what you saved everyone has a past wheather it is good or bad start over delete and don’t repete sounds like you got a winner charish it
It’s hypocritical in a sense.
Even tho you’ve told him, it’s different when you see it. If it’s all older stuff, warn him and hand it over. If he gets mad, that’s not your fault.
No u ain’t wrong. Its different when they hear it rather than reading/seeing every detail, even if they think they can handle it. I have many friends, too, that tell me very personal things (very emotional and mental stuff about about their lives) through text/messenger that it’s my obligation to protect as well. As far as your old relationships etc, screen shot what u need for any future reference or “proof” for any occasion, save on a flash drive and delete that sh**. It’s your past. Period.
Your past is no one’s business. It’s your past. If they want a future with you, your past won’t matter one bit. I don’t understand these couple that want a list of who you slept with before you got together with them. Why?
I deal with it all the time. I’m literally not hiding shit. Dude would spend hours reading texts from before he existed my world and get pissed. Got pissed over 2015 emails. Hello? Who are you? we met in 2019!
Not mention that all my bank cards are saved. Tap and pay. There’s no reason to have access.
Put your past in the past where it belongs and leave it there .
It’s your private business! Keep it that way. Don’t look at his!
Why are you hanging onto those old messages?
Why not get rid of the "old messages/flings and all that goes with it?? So glad I’m not dating in this day and age smh.
Careful what you tell a man about your past… they’ll throw it up to you later on down the road…don’t be looking in his phone so you won’t have to let him in yours…
Just from what I have read from this post I feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship yet well definitely not a serious one, it’s one thing to want to be private with your phone but keeping old photos and messages is another thing.
If it’s all old just delete that old shit why do u need old conversations with friends with benefits people. Clean it up and then show him with u there
Put your past behind you….Me and my fiancé both went and deleted anything that was meant for an ex…Messages, pictures, he even deleted pictures with his ex wife from vacations…In my opinion, it is the past, so no need to keep it for your future
All my old stuff I’ve deleted. I’m seeing someone, If he wants go on my phone no issue is no pass code. I’m concerned though if needs to and vice versa as should be trust.
Why are you holding onto your past if it means nothing and you’d never talk to anyone from it again?? Makes 0 sense. Sounds like you like to have control of things you can’t control.
its ok to have boundaries and say no if he can not respect them then he isn’t the one for you
wait… people go through each others phones/give their passwords in a “healthy” relationship? Ive been with my bf for 8 years and dont remember the last time i touched his phone
Unpopular opinion but just because you still have all of these old pics/message threads does not mean that you’re “holding on to your past” etc. sometimes once you are done with a situation and move on you just forget it’s there, because you don’t revisit it. Then when you get into a relationship you probably feel guilty like you should delete those threads and you may even get overwhelmed because even going back to delete feels like revisiting something you’re not interested in. You could even get anxiety because you may feel bad for even having a past at all. All of those feelings could possibly stem from past relationships that were toxic, where past partners searched for these things to argue about or made you feel as if it was wrong to even have a past, as if your past shouldn’t exist. In my opinion, the feeling you have could be a form of PTSD from a past relationship or relationships. There is nothing wrong with having a past or even proof that you had one. If he visits your past and holds it against you then he needs to get some help on how to have a healthy relationship. It’s not okay and this behavior is usually overlooked because people like this have a way of making you feel it is an act of love and not control.
I don’t hold on to the exes pics or messages. The only ones I have of an ex is the one who passed away. Hanging on to photos etc of exes can be hurtful to the new one. Having them feel as if you’re still holding on or that they’re not good enough. Like they can’t compete with that. Put the past in the past. To have someone who doesn’t do social media and doesn’t care about his phone. Girl, those don’t come easy. Very few are out there.
It’s not that their going through the phone is the knowing that it’s there if needed and to show all is well. Wish I had a buck for every time the phone went everywhere with a guy and remained on silent and vibrate and would check it only when he went to bathroom or outside.
This is the beginning of a one sided relationship. You can’t expect him to be transparent for you and you not return the same respect. I wouldn’t be with you tbh. Thise saying her past isn’t his business, well his isn’t her business either! You’re wrong and I’m sure he doesn’t care about your past just what you’re doing now. I don’t agree with you and your expectations.
Then don’t give him it easy
Out with the old. You will never have a successful relationship while holding onto all the old exes memories and junk.
Your past is your past he doesn’t have a right to it. Plus this is a new relationship. Red flags here for me. X
Why do you have old messages and pictures if you would never reconnect with those people? There’s a reason you’re keeping all that shit and it sounds like you want to reconnect with them to me… if you have no feeling at all for them they would have been erased a long time ago lol
If your into him as you say you’d have no problem with it especially if you supposedly told him of these things already. What’s the point in holding onto the past is that where your headed to you can’t live life in the rear view mirror, your moving forward in life not backwards.
What are you hiding little girl? Stop seeing him. He deserves honesty and truthfulness and I don’t think you are prepared to give him that.
As youre on the subject of phones. My partner dont let me touch his fone n deffo dont let me in it … it has fingerprint i.d. n he uses that. Ive asked before to look at it n it alus causes an argument re trust issues. He argues about it, i didnt have a passcode on mine n said he could look anytime he wanted. He tells me therz nothing to see anyway as he sez he deletes all call logs n msgs at work when i ask y he duz this he sez he dont want his fone getn clogged up or running slow coz of everything…pretty lame excuse i.m.o. i think hes emotionally cheatn with other women i.m.o. as this was an issue at the start of our relationship till i put a stop to it.what do others think?
Until you decide how far your relationship is going, your past is yours. Now if he proposed marriage and you were in agreement… well you’d have a decision to make. Like wipe the phone clean or show and tell.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
I have pics of my ex on Facebook because it’s him and our son and my fiancee knows why it’s there. So when he asks you about it be honest it’s our job to teach our children how to have healthy relationships and to know how to spot a toxic one
You both have a past, move forward and make your own memories. At some point, if he’s the right person for you, you’ll both be comfortable enough to sharing ANYTHING with eachother. But really, who wants to see pics of the one they love with another person? i don’t know anyone that really enjoys that.
He’s not asking to see anything. So no need to volunteer your past to him at this point. Especially if you feel uncomfortable or that it will make him uncomfortable. The past is the past. If he asks to see your social media….or have access to your phone…at that point I would be open and vulnerable with him that you have yearrrrs worth of pictures and posts. I’m sure he’ll understand. Trust yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, then don’t share. Trust yourself!
Also note: you’re not “hiding” anything from him. You’re not being deceitful. You’re simply keeping your social media/past, out of the relationship until further notice.
I’m still friends with most my ex’s, not go hangout with friends but like fb, and run into each other “hey what’s up” friends I would never delete old photos too many memories and they are apart of who I’ve become
You can’t successfully move forward if you don’t rid yourself of the past relationships. Erasing those old pictures, messages, dms is a healthy way of moving forward. Your past was to teach you, not to relive it through unnecessary memories. It will be a freeing exercise. And by doing so, you will know for a fact that you are giving him the same respect and honor is has so freely given to you!
If you truly want a relationship with this man and these others were just hook ups and this and that then why not delete the old messages and the pictures and start fresh with this man??? You cannot drag your past along with you, lose that baggage and start with a clean slate with this man.
Just be open & honest with him about that. Let him know that it’s sentimental nostalgia… nothing nefarious. Let him look if he wants to. Let him know it’s really no big deal. He probably just wants reassurance.
You are allowed to have your privacy, I don’t allow access to my phone and I’m not hiding anything 
I have also never asked for access to someone else’s phone because we trust each other, there is no need to snoop into every single part of a persons life it shows a lack of trust, demanding access to someone’s phone is a red flag for me.
Why would you accept his passcode or look at his old pictures, even with his permission, if you dont want him poking around yours. Also understand keeping old pictues, but why old messages from FWB. Thats just a waste of space. Delete.
Keep it to yourself even if you have to make hard copies store them out side of his area. Don’t tell him all the dirt on you plenty of others will do that! Keep it to yourself haven’t you ever listened to Steve Harvey?
It took me almost 7 years to trust and allow my SO to have that much access to my past…