Need some advice

What do I do?

Not sure where to start as it’s a long one…
Have two little boys, split up with their dad January 2021. A lot went on in our relationship but the cause of me asking him to leave was because at the time he was smoking a lot of marijuana due to having sciatica - he said it helped. I found that it made him become a different person when he used it and I didn’t like that. He was also struggling with his mental health at the time too. I know since he’s left he has got medication for it and I don’t believe he smokes anymore as he had a surgery to help the sciatica.

When I asked him to leave I told him I wanted him to sort himself out if he cared about us. My feelings ended up changing and I got into a new relationship. I made the effort each and every day to continue for him to be involved in his children’s lives but he made it very difficult (unsure if because of his state of mind or whether it was because he was upset I was in a new relationship).

The person who I got into a relationship with is amazing in many ways - helps me if there is ever a problem, helped me get back on my feet after their dad had left. But one major issue I have with him is his level of paranoia. I understand what it’s like to be cheated on etc and I know what it can do to you. But it goes to extremes… I have to always leave my phone in sight for him to see, I have to stand a certain way when I am using it otherwise if he cannot see he immediately believes I am shielding it from him and hiding something. I’ve cut ties with several good friends of mine - one of which I’d been best friends with for 10 years who was a dear friend of my brothers who died in 2012. If I go to a different room without him and I take my phone with me he sees this as suspicious too. When really all I wanted to do was go sit down in the other room and took my phone with me in case I wanted to use it. He wants me to move down to the end where he comes from which is about 3 hours away. I spoke to my parents about this and they stated if I moved that far away they’d be finished with me (they’re very old fashioned) and due to the fact their only other child died, I think they feel if I move up there they’ll have no one. My partner knows all this but is still quite happy for me to lose my security circle and up and move up there because its what he wants. I don’t think I’d be able to do it. I just don’t feel that level of security about it. He expects me to do all these things for him when he wouldn’t/doesn’t do the same thing in return. He is fantastic with my kids though and they adore him. I love him a lot but my gut keeps telling me if I upped and moved and risked it all, that I already know how it would end. I do feel happy with him, but I’d say I feel more unhappy than I do happy. We have had so many arguments that have resulted in one of us leaving.

Which brings me to my children’s dad… I haven’t seen him for months because as I said he didn’t stick to our agreement on the kids. The kids don’t remember their dad now, they’re only just turned 4 and just turned 3. The last time he came round to see them they didn’t know who he was as prior to that he had not seen them for months. They just kept calling him “he”. Recently I’ve found myself thinking of their dad a lot… How we were at the beginning, the moments that made us what we were that made it special. Every song that comes on is making me think of him. I don’t know if this is because things aren’t 100% with my current partner or whether it’s genuinely because this is the way I feel. I’ve been trying to give myself time to figure this out but I feel an input from someone else who’s possibly been in this situation may be able to help…

When I split with their dad I was devastated. It really cut me up because it wasn’t what I wanted but I felt like I had to do that as the situation was taking a toll on everyone. A lot of the time I felt egged on to cut contact with their dad by my current partner as though he didn’t want him around. But he did make some valid points about the situation which is why I ended up cutting contact. I couldn’t have a private conversation with their dad through message or when he was here visiting as my current partner wanted to know everything - all what was said and replied. I felt like I couldn’t do it on my terms - do what I felt was right for the children. If I wanted to do it my way it resulted in an argument. It feels like more than anything he just wanted their dad gone because he was my ex…

Some helpful, non-judgmental advice would be grately appreciated… I feel like I know what I should do… but things are clouding my judgment at the same time.

Thanks in advance everyone :pray:

Your current boyfriend is controlling, manipulative and has started the process of isolating you away from all your friends and family. I mean you had to cut ties with someone you have been friends with for 10yrs and he doesn’t care if moving means your parents will cut you off. How he treats your kids right now is irrelevant because there will come a day he is more abusive towards them. I suggest you get out of this relationship while you can. If you think things are bad now, it’s only going to get worse.

As far as your Ex goes. Don’t go back to him. Take time to heal and be alone for a while; it will do you good. Of course you want to get back with him because you are only thinking of the good moments and not the bad. Also if you are not letting the boys see their dad because the new boyfriend doesn’t want your ex around…well it is absolutely cruel to your kids and they will resent you some day. You should only withhold visitations if your ex is really to unstable and abuse to be around the kids. If you are worried he is unfit you can go through the courts for supervised visitation.