Needing advice on how to handle my daughters mental health issues

Child Health
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“It isn’t fair to make the 8 year old lose sleep because the 12 year old wants to hurt herself.”

Please re- read this slowly and carefully. You are saying that your husband might send her back to a psych hospital ( which I think will help) and you don’t want to inconvenience an 8 year old’s sleep? Can you not temporarily make sleeping arrangements until things get better? That statement there is a red flag as to why she does not open up to you or her father. Regardless of how her mother is, she misses her and wants to be with her, not you. Yes it stings because you are doing all the work and stepping up but unless she knows it’s genuine, I don’t think she will change. She’s coming into YOUR home with YOUR family. Maybe go on a lunch date with her just you and her. She might need some extra attention from you at least until she feels secure and loved by you. It has to be real.

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Have you checked in to getting her on Medicaid as a secondary insurance? They will pay for her to get help. Hang in there , I’m praying for you all :pray:

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First of all, if she wants to be with her actual mom then let her. That’s probably contributing alot to what’s going on. And second, all I have to say is I’m glad you werent my mother growing up. The whole way you worded this and her issues says all I need to know about how you view mental illness and self harm.

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it’s her way of coping. It would be good to continue to seek out a therapist, check within your county also for assistance if needed. Unless she is cutting super deep, hospitlization would typically be less than beneficial. If its superficial, usually it’s a way to deal with emotion, feeling, or even punishment.

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I did that when I was younger. It’s a coping mechanism. She doesn’t have the skills to properly cope with her pain. External pain is so much easier to accept and deal with than internal pain. Therapy, the right meds, and parents who never gave up on me saved me. She needs coping skills. She needs to learn about herself and her triggers. She needs to talk this out with professionals. She needs to know that no matter how fucked up she is, you all are not going anywhere. She doesn’t need to be stripped down and reprimanded for hurting herself. She needs to be medicated and she needs to be talking about why she hurt herself and what she can do next time that will drown out her emotional pain without physically destroying her body. Try running, boxing, screaming, smashing things other than her body. Tell her if she wants to cut and she comes to you, you’ll go to the dollar store and let her pick out a whole set of glass items, and she can break them, smash them, throw them at bathtub wall or break them on the pavement and scream. She may not be interested, but maybe if you do it too. If you see her cutting - snatch her up and yell and scream, and drag her down to the kitchen, and then break a plate or a glass straight out of the cabinet. It will get her fucking attention! Tell her that’s how you feel when she hurts herself. And encourage her to do it too. Some grand gesture. Those things are replaceable. Her body is not. Get her on board. Get her in therapy, money or no. If you want to save her, you crawl to the ends of the earth. Call NAMI 1800950NAMI in the US to find affordable care near you. You gotta be all in though. You don’t punish this, you treat it. You don’t prevent her from doing it, you convince her to choose to stop doing it. Like an addiction. It’s all improper coping techniques. She needs to relearn. From scratch.

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When she does start up with therapy, I would suggest a cognitive behavioral therapist. I’ve dealt with a very similar situation with my ex’s daughter. I raised her from the age of 5-15 and I know exactly what you’re going through :frowning: ignore the negative comments on here. I understand wanting to help, but you also have other children’s mental health in jeopardy, when giving too much of yourself to help and her not accepting the help. It will drain every inch of you, so be mindful of taking care of yourself in the process. You are more than welcome to message me, and I could probably shed some light on this… through my own personal hell with my stepdaughter and her personality disorders.

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Have her dad take her out on a daddy daughter date. Just the two of them. No stress about opening up, just spend one on one time with her. It’s not going to solve everything but make her feel important, loved, and cared for.

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Please don’t lose patience with her, she is going through a lot of pain inside if she’s cutting and looking for release, take her to the dr get a mental heal care plan done for her and take every option they give you for her, you need to help her with her mental health and everything else will fall into place, I went through mental health and self harm issues with my 11 year old earlier this year, I also struggle with my own mental health witch helped my daughter come to me for help, keep reassuring her you all love and want her there and will be there for her no matter what!

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I started cutting about her age. Shit was just too much 🙍 It was how I dealt with everything. It wasn’t a suicide attempt or a cry for attention or any of that shit. I did it because it made me feel better. Cutters don’t want people to make a big deal about it. Leave us our privacy. We know you’re there, we’re sorry it makes you uncomfortable. If you want to help your bonus daughter therapy is a must (cutters are often molested as young children. Not all, but a lot) to find out why this is the way but she also needs acceptance in spite of the cutting. And she needs to know that if she has to cut she needs to remember to not go too deep and to clean it afterwards. Always use a fresh instrument. A cutter is going to cut, might as well be safe about it. It’s really not so different from a piercing, or a gauge, or a tattoo except someone else is doing those to you.
And let the kid spend more time with mom. She’s at an age where she needs her mom.

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It sounds like shes not getting the understanding and support she needs. Chores and body checks are not the answer. Ive been there, she needs a good counselor that she can connect with and you and hubby need to speak with the counselor about how you should be handling it. Making her feel bad for being depressed and having mental health issues is only going to make worse! As will sending her away. I’ve been there too around the same age. It does not help. She needs love, support, understanding, and a GOOD caring counselor that she can meet with regularly. Mine used to come to my school at least once a week to check on me and made sure I had ways to reach her when I hit a low. You may have to go through a few before you find someone who she connects with but that’s what she NEEDS. I fully believe I would have ended up dead if it hadn’t been for my counselor. Get her HELP!

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My heart breaks merciful jesus heal.her mlnd put your arms around her fill her with love and faith. As far as insurance call fedelis care if you dont make to much your children are covered my prayers are with her.

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Okay so get her to the doctor ASAP!!! Ask the school counselor for a recommendation. The local health department usually has counselors! Speak to cps and ask them for help! They may have free or low cost programs to help!!! My baby sister used to cut herself and we later found out she had abandonment issues and borderline personality disorder! A lot of things could have been different with her if I would have known what was going on! Long story but I wasn’t allowed to see her for awhile…she ended up stabbing her mother quite a few times and almost killed her!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET HER HELP!!!

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She is dealing with DEEP emotional pain. She has no way to express it. Nor the words to do so. Physical pain is the ONLY way she knows to release it. Most of the young ladies i have talked to has admitted it comes from being molested by someone they thought they could trust. And no one heard their cries. No one believed them. And nothing was done.

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Take the financial hit and get her in therapy. Her life is more important. You can cut back in other things to make it work.

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People first. Then money. Then things.

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Just let her know that you are there to talk no matter what the subject, don’t judge her or make her feel bad about self harm etc don’t make her go to all these classes because trust me I’ve been there and it honestly made it worst. Make sure she gets into therapy %100 she needs someone who isn’t family to open up to, someone she can tell everything to with out fear of judgment. Not saying you will judge but she doesn’t want to disappoint you. Help her find new ways to cope with how she’s feeling, like boxing etc tell her to keep a journal and make a box of things that make her happy like her favorite scents and pictures and when she’s triggered to self harm look in the box. There’s many ideas to help, but she definitely needs to see a therapist.

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First of all, depression and anxiety is mental illness. It’s not something that an adult can “just get over it”. Let alone a child aged 12.

I’ve learned from my own experience. That group therapy, a therapist and medication helps maintain my own mental health.

You could start by taking her to a general doctor. Your local county should have behavioral therapies and a prescriber to maintain her medication.

Mental health meds are trial an error. A person can start taking one. It could cause a side effect like high blood pressure. Then you have to change to a different medication. A person may go through 3-4 med changes before finding the right balance.

You and her father should start educating yourselves on symptoms of depression and anxiety. Her cutting herself is self harm. That’s Dangerous in itself. It won’t take much for her to move to suicide or harming someone else.

Its important to get make it a priority. Regardless of what else is going on in your life. Her mental health and safety should be a priority.

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Something you don’t know about is going on I was like that because I was being bullied relentlessly at school from the second I walked in the gate from the second I got home and then had to deal with mental abuse from my mum’s now ex partner

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I would check with the school to see what they can do for you. Social workers can be very helpful.

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I also wanted to mention. That someone with mental illness doesn’t have normal think patterns like everyone else.

She is a child. She doesn’t know what’s wrong. So, it makes it difficult for her to ask for help.

My suggestion to you is the following:

Give her a journal.
Tell her instead of cutting, you and her father want her to write her feelings, emotions, anything in that journal.

Give her options. Are you hungry? Do you want soup or a sandwich? These type of questions. She cant ask for help when she is in crisis.

I’ve also learned that regardless of insurance companies and financial. You local behavioral health center should have a 24 hour. 7 day a week hotline number. That you can call.

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Don’t be afraid of trying meds. Prozac for one is a great one for young girls. I just started taking it about six months ago and wish I had started taking it around the time I was 12. It could be chemical/hormonal. Go easy on her, she might not realize what’s she’s doing. Sending her somewhere for therapy might not do jack shit if her body is malfunctioning.

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I was this girl. I was so extremely depressed that I couldn’t get myself to do ANYTHING. I would just sleep for hours everyday. I was 15 at the time so a little older but it doesn’t change anything. I was put on anti depressants and medicine for being bi polar. You need to get her to an adolescent psychologist so they can see if medicine would help her. And guess what? That’s ok if she needs medicine. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, shit happens. Chemical imbalances happen. But I will tell you one thing that helped, my mom never ever got mad at me, she never was upset or frustrated she was just there for me when I needed her. That’s what your girl needs. She just needs to know someone is there for her NO MATTER WHAT. Sending that sweet angel love and light :heartpulse::sparkles::pray:t3:

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Sorry, “accommodating of her issues” makes it’s sound like you have a picky eater living with you.
Cutting relieves internal pain that you can’t express.
It’s not because you want attention, it’s because you e mentally checked out of sharing and caring and just want to feel something besides what you’re feeling inside. She cuts to accommodate her issues.
She needs something more than a chore list and a midnight strip search.
Get a credit card if you have to and save this baby. Not saving her because you’ve tried chore lists and can’t really afford a co-pay is throwing a human being in the garbage.
She is 12.

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I didn’t read this as the stepmom blaming the child, complaining or being impaitient. I read it as a concerened parent looking for advice. Smh.

Your best bet would be to find advice from your insurance company, her pediatrician, school counselor, etc. on the best way to get her the help she needs. Find support groups for parents to get more insight on this problem.

Here’s a link. Maybe write it down and leave it in her room or somewhere she will see it, along with a note that says y’all love her very much and want to support her and be there for her when she’s ready. Until then, she can text ppl here confidentially and vent or whatever.

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I think you both should seek her from a Dr. Copays definitely stink but if she is hurting herself and you arent able to help, find some. That’s the best advice I think anyone can give that isnt a Dr themselves.

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I’m sorry, she is having such a hard time. But, as a person that also ‘cut’ during the early teen years…I will simply tell you how I stopped. (I haven’t self harmed in 12 years)

What helped me stop self harming was a challenge given to me by a friend. The challenge was that every time I felt the urge to self harm, I was to make a list of 10 reasons why I felt I should harm myself, and 10 reasons why I shouldn’t…and then I would share the list with them. The first time, it was over the phone, and every negative I said was countered by my friend with a positive.

Basically, the best advise I can give is : instead of showing disappointment or disgust, show her love and understanding.
People self harm because they are hurting, so in what world would being upset with them help the situation?
They need to know that they are loved no matter what, and that people care about how they are hurting.

Best way to help a depressed person (in my opinion) help them find a reason to be happy in spite of the pain that brings them down. Just be there. And NEVER make them feel as though how they feel is ‘wrong’ or say that they shouldn’t feel a certain way.

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Okay speaking from someone who has cut- cutters do not want to hurt themselves. They are simply trying to feel something or release the pain that they are feeling. I would look into big brother n big sister program- contact her school. Then you need to get her into some type counseling- then You should buy her a diary for her thoughts. With a lock. She’s hurting inside. Also she needs some one on one time with her father. That’ll help out a lot. Maybe a few daddy/daughter dates. Going out for ice cream. Or even a bike ride around the block. Something. She needs to feel important. Throwing into a mental hospital isn’t the way to go.

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Also sounds like you really need to education yourself as well. Doing strip searches seems a little much. She’s not in prison.

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She won’t talk to y’all because she doesn’t feel like she can open up or trust you two. That much is obvious. Also, she doesn’t wanna hurt herself, she wants what ever pain she’s feeling to end. I was a cutter for many years and it took me seeing the worth in myself and the beauty of my life before I stopped cutting. Almost killed myself a couple times, not even meaning to, but because it took more and more blood and pain to feel the release. She needs to feel heard and understood and not alone. Her life depends on it. Even if it is not u and dad, she needs someone positive in her life she can open up to and trust

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The biggest most helpful piece of advice I can give here is stop trying to help her on YOUR terms. As someone with severe depression and anxiety from a youbg age, who use to self harm is that even when people make it very appertant that they are there for you. If you don’t do it in a way that she can understand or feel comfortable with then it won’t work. My parents loved me dearly and I always knew they were there for me. I still didn’t go to them. I felt like the only way I could feel anything real was my hurting myself. Ide isolate myself and keep it all in. Eventually I stopped. But it wasn’t because my parents where in my face all the time. They’d watch me and they knew when they could see that I was hurting, they would be subtle but still present. One of the biggest reasons I never went to them was because I felt like a burden. This is probably how your girl feels. Not only did you take her in but you also have other children AND you are pregnant. She probably doesn’t want to bother you, and is keeping it all in. Just be supportive, kind, compassionate. But don’t shove yourself in her face. Don’t go through her things. That’s how you lose trust and faith. Just try to be on her level. Understand her how she wants you too. Be compassionate and understanding. And understand this is serious mental health. Money shouldn’t matter.

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There are community mental health agencies that serve on a sliding fee scale based on income and/or there are grants in some communities you can access. You can locate services in your area at the link below or call 211

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Why do you find it frustrating? She is clearly in emotional pain?! Cutting isn’t a choice, she isn’t doing it to get at you and just because you had depression doesnt mean that hers is like yours. Hers is clearly very severe poor little love. Perhaps she doesn’t want to talk to you about it, maybe just try and get her dad to. Maybe she has taken her mum and dads break up badly? It can really have a detrimental effect on children when the parents split up then a new person comes into the picture. Also, if she is depressed she may not want to be involved with family, or cuts you off from family and friends in a lot of instances.

From the way I read it, it sounds like her issues are a burden to you so perhaps it’s best left to her mum and her dad to sort.

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I don’t think it’s fair to just say “ the child doesn’t want to live with you”
First of all the cutting began at her mothers. And if the father was awarded full custody, something had to be seriously going on for a judge to grant dad custody.
We’re not getting the entire story here so let’s just keep those things in mind.

Also, most children don’t know what they want at this age they just feel restricted no matter what. I see a lot advice on this group time and time again that says “the child doesn’t want to live with you or stay on ur weekends” Maybe in some cases it’s best to send child back. But in the real world, we have to do things we don’t want every day and giving in and sending the child back speaks volumes to the kid “well mom or dad didn’t want me and sent me back” even if they are acting out, lying on parents, etc. they don’t know what they want!!

So to OP:
I cut as a teenager. I was going thru A LOT of emotional and physical abuse and it literally felt like the only thing I could do to scream out “someone (outside of the home) help me”. Even tho I kept it hidden. So is it possible that there was a a couple instances that she lost trust and doesn’t want to come to you for guidance? I know as step mom there was little to begin with, but maybe she needs a big gesture to show her you are on her side to turn her head and shift her gears to atleast opening up. Find out her love language and if you haven’t already read up on psychology of this age and on cutting. Bc ultimately she’s got to open up or this entire situation will slowly but surely wreak havoc in everyone’s lives.
My best advice tho, is to send her to intensive OUTpatient. If that’s not an option, Find her a support group that meets every night and she can meet older girls and young women who went thru this and came out on the other side to say “i know you hurt, but this is selfish and gets better.” It has to come from a peer.
Also horseback riding if that’s a possibility will help her to calm down and be more aware of her emotions.

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Honey she needs to go back to the hospital asap.You,him,and bi mom need to set down with the doctors and talk.That girl is in a world og pain,and needs professinal help

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I wanted to add, if y’all find medications that are working really well for her (it would be in combination of lifestyle changes of course) then always always check with the pharmacist that the manufacturer never changes. It will cause a change in mood and/or behavior.

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Take her to the emergency room tell them she needs a mental health easement… All you have to say is your scared she is going to hurt herself…

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She’s crying out for help. Get it b4 it’s to late

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She cuts to let the pain out. It won’t stop till she can let go of what’s causing her so much pain

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I think many of you missed the part, “we are trying to get her into therapy but our insurance is tricky and only covers certain doctors”. So all of you telling her to get her into therapy aren’t paying attention. She’s TRYING, it’s just that our mental health care system is an extremely expensive and difficult mess.

For the OP:
Maybe try a women’s center that would have reduced rates for therapists who are not yet licensed (like seeing a doctor during residency), see if there’s a school psychiatrist/psychologist you can work with for free, or is the source of her torment at school? Remind your plan providers it’ll be more expensive if you have to take her to the emergency room repeatedly instead of a therapist.

Can bio mom help with expenses? Sounds like she may be the cause of some of daughter’s trauma. Are there other family members on both sides who could help with expenses for her?

I hate to suggest a Go Fund Me page, but it could be a last resort. Tricky to ask for funds without revealing its for mental health care or identifying your children. Maybe ask someone else to set up the page asking contributions for an anonymous friend?

Can you and daughter join a support group in person or online? That could help with strategies, & to let her know it gets better and she will get through this. Do you know how long this has been going on and what precipitated this behavior? If so, a rape/other abuse survivors group could also be helpful.

Sounds like dad could use some understanding of the cutting problem. The cutting isn’t the problem, it’s whatever triggered the cutting. Encourage him to read up on it & to join an online support group for parents of cutters. He needs to know there can be a happy ending too.

Since she feels control was violently taken from her, let her make as many choices as possible in her life. Instead of housework, make her chores anything she does to get better: the passed journal thing, using a red marker vs a sharp object, any behavior prescribed by her doctors, including taking meds.

Explain to the younger children how oldest has an illness, and the ways they can help her to get better (extra hugs, not getting mad when she gets extra one on one time, whatever research and medical professionals suggest).

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this while pregnant and raising other kids. Are you working too? I can’t imagine you are, but getting additional coverage for you and the 12-year old as secondary insurance could be beneficial to covering her costs.

Prayers for you and your family. You all may literally be saving her life. Be sure she knows whatever happened was not her fault, she has your family’s unconditional love, even when it’s hard.

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When cutting herself she needs help ,if U can’t help her send her to someone that will. She will be a statistic

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I was 12 years old when I self harmed for the first time.
What you and your family doing is exactly what mine did and I continued cutting for years.
I read this almost like her issues are a burden to you. Open your eyes, something MUCH bigger is going on here. You need to start with asking her what she thinks she needs. If there isn’t an answer, admit her to a ward. It the best you can do for her because I promise, the environment she is in with you is not a good or safe one for her.
This was definitely the most selfish post I have ever read and my heart breaks for this child.

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12 year olds suck! My 12 year old girl is my baby girl. She is my oldest had her from a previous abusive relationship. My husband and I have a 3 year old and 3 month old. The Drs keep telling my 12 year old she needs meds. No she needs to eat food, stop sleeping all damn day and getting good night’s rest and move her fucking body around. Then if it’s still a problem we can talk meds. Thats my situation. Feel free to ask me anything.

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As someone who has a history of depression and self harm… take the loss of money and get her the help or give up and let her be with her mom if you guys can’t handle her like you make it sound… If she’s cutting, it might be something deeper that you guys aren’t aware of… it may be attention, but it could be much worse also.

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Look into military school…

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if she has lived with her mother before & she was happy & the mother isn’t a POS,… talk to her, & let her go live with her mother. if that is what she wants

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Get your kid help. I’m sure I’ll get attacked for saying this, but if you can’t afford the proper medical help for your child the. Why are you having more children that you can’t afford? You have four kids and one of them is 1 and your pregnant? Y’all really need to get some birth control! Very sad for your children I pray they all have the proper help and care that they need throughout life.

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I hate saying this but at my age girls were doing that in the bathroom for attention. Maybe try harder to get a better relationship. I dont believe they actually wanna do this with themselves anymore than they mostly want attention from it. Switch her schools.

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It’s doesnt matter how many therapists u take her to she just needs one person she can trust and wont judge her to talk to…

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Mental illness is not a choice. You’re acting like she’s doing this on purpose. Talk to her as a parent and as a friend ask her what would help make her feel better instead of sending her off and making decisions based on what you “think” would help.

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Okay so cutting isnt always about not wanting to live. It’s about redirecting that mental angst into something she can understand, physical pain. I know this from experience but I also got help before I really hurt myself. Now I redirect with tattoos and piercings.
She def needs help but that pain isnt always about you or anyone else.

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A lot of counseling offices work on a sliding scale, that to them they will do everything they can to help you help her.