I need some advice. I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant with four older kids ages 1, 6, 8, and 12. The 12-year-old has had some mental health issues. We are trying to get her into therapy, but our insurance is tricky and only covers certain doctors, and we’ve been having a hard time financially, and paying for more copays is going to be hard on us. I found out this morning from the school counselor that she has been cutting herself. I’m so frustrated because we have addressed this several times since she came to live with us this past summer. She was living with her mom, but my husband is the only person who has legal custody, and he wanted her to come live with us so they could spend more time together and have a closer relationship, but she doesn’t seem to want to put forth the effort to make that happen. When she first started cutting herself last year, my husband sent her to a behavioral health hospital. She definitely doesn’t want to go back there, but I’m afraid if she continues cutting herself, my husband is going to send her back. He takes what I say into account, but I’m afraid he’s eventually going to get so frustrated about this and will send her back. She is dealing with a lot, and we’ve tried our best to be understanding of that, but she refuses to come to us with anything she needs or wants. She won’t let us know when something is wrong. She absolutely refuses to try to be a member of our home, no matter how much we try to invite her to be. She has chores just like the other kids, and she refuses to do them. We’re trying to teach her to take the initiative and be responsible, but at this point, we’re not getting through. It’s like talking to a brick wall. This has been the biggest stressor through this pregnancy so far. Her mom had a plan in place where she would make her get up every hour at night and strip down to prove she wasn’t hurting herself. While it worked for them, I don’t think it’s going to work for us because of the other kids. She shares a room with the eight-year-old, and it isn’t fair to make the 8-year-old lose sleep because the 12-year-old wants to hurt herself. I’m at my wit’s end trying to figure out what to do. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? I don’t need to be judged. I feel that I’ve done everything I can to be accommodating of her issues as I grew up with depression, but I never resorted to cutting myself. I’m trying so hard not to stress out about this, but it just isn’t working.
I would honestly send her to behavioral health. If she won’t stop. She needs to see the outcome will not be in her favor. Not to mention she is a safety hazard to not only herself, but each and everyone of you all around her including your children.
Ma’am you have other children in the home, She doesn’t want to go back in patient care bc the BEHAVIOR is addressed, I’m gonna have to go with dad in this one. She needs help you cant provide, she NEEDS inpatient care.
You need to find a support group for you to educate yourself on cutting. It isn’t just stop it thing ,say stop it and she is like oh ok …this is like telling a depressed person to stop being so sad. Oh thanks, I never thought of that.
It is releasing pain that is in one’s body…the blood , yea that’s her pain pooling out. This is a cry for a deep pain , help. She can’t stop , it’s a way for her to control somthing like someone having an eatting disorder. Good luck and be patient
As a parent of a cutter I can tell you that there are some deep underlying issues…I tried everything but one day I took her to an in patient hospital…it nearly bankrupted me but I would do it all again…she is a nurse and is engaged to be married…
The behavior isn’t the problem, it’s the symptom of an emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Cutting, while disturbing and often misunderstood cannot be fully addressed at a hospital or crisis center. It sounds like she needs a full time therapist and perhaps a psychiatrist for medication intervention as well.
Just reading this, your kind of talking about how this effects you, and not really focusing on her. She needs the mental health help. You really just need to find a way to make the copays and get her enrolled. It sounds like she has been bounced around, I don’t blame her for having a hard time assimilating into this new family. Her entire life has been flipped upside down, she needs someone who can help her deal with her emotions. Reach out to her doctor and see if the social worker or case manager can help find you free or low cost programs.
Check with the school. They should have grants for therapy during school hours. I believe that’s what my daughter is in. She also cut herself. What’s going on at school? At moms? Does dad need to be more involved? Jealous of the new kids? Plan a bonus mom and daughter day out. Just you two.
At 12, it would be age appropriate to discuss hurting herself. Does she have a safe outlet for her stress/anxiety/overwhelming feeling? If so, encourage use of it. If not, create a safe outlet (temporary tattoo markers, drawing, playing music). I told my son if I cant keep him safe at home he has no choice but go to the hospital. In our case it helped. We starting using positive feedback and occasional rewards to modify his behavior. Rewards were in writing to avoid manipulation. We started going out once a week and he would end up talking on his own in the car.
The social worker at the hospital she went to may be able to direct you to providers to help with therapy or other services…
5 children? The cutting is very serious. She wont stop. She is a danger to herself and others.Get that child out of the house and into a in treatment hospital. If it was my child I wouldn’t care about the price. You will have to get a referral from your pediatrician. That should help.
It is not her job to try to fit into her family. Get her some help.
Concentrate on her feelings, moving from one parent’s house to another is a difficult transition for a preteen. Let her know that you are there for her for anything that she needs. Don’t distance yourself no matter how hard this is for you and the rest of your family. She probably feels like she’s lost everything in the world and doesn’t know how to deal with the changes. Every girl needs a mother and a mother figure. Someone they can go to for everything. I don’t think it’s right for her mother to wake her up at every hour at night to strip down and make sure she wasn’t cutting herself. How can she function being awakened at every hour? I think that was wrong for her mother to do that just to reassure herself that her daughter wasn’t cutting herself. Open your arms wide open and let her know you are there for her and that you will continue to be there for her. You may be the one thing she needs. I wish you luck and lots of patience and prayers for you and your family.
My heart hurts for you my son is a cutter he’s 16 and it’s been a issue since he was 12-13 he’s been to multiple therapist he’s had inpatient treatments for weeks at a time. He suffers from severe anxiety and depression me and his dad are divorced we both are remarried and with other children. I really have no advice my only thing i can say is no matter how hard it seems or how much it may seem like she doesn’t care the more attention love and affection will eventually get into her my son has calmed down some it’s not as bad as before it’s minor scratches here and there but he told me one day thank you for never giving up on me. Keep pushing for therapy keep trying with her. I wish you all the luck and love mamá
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I have a few friends that were cutters… and their friends that were cutters, and worked with kids in emergency childrens shelters that were cutters… they all had the same thing in common… Rape /Sexual assaut… “Something” at one point has happened to this girl .
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Its more than obvious you know absolutely nothing about “cutting”… Its not done for attention or pity… they cut to use the current physical pain to take away from / temporarily forget emotional pain from some sort of past trauma.
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Its not working because even your post sounds selfish and cold… “Youre” pregnant, “isnt fair to the 8yr old” “the other kids”, “I” grew up with depression and never resorted too cutting myself"… “paying more for copays will be hard on us”…
This whole post is about how her mental health is an inconvenience to you, not about wanting her to get well…If I can tell that through a chatroom post, she 200% feels that from you in person and joining a family in which she feels as though shes an inconvenience to simply isn’t going to happen. -
Figure out what therapist is covered, what you can cut back on to make the copays happen, and get the girl some help.
She was already having issues and her dad brought her into more chaos by bringing to live with him!! Maybe she needs to go back to mom’s and mom and dad work together to get her help!! Right now it sounds like you are blaming her for your financial situation among other things!! Maybe she’s picking up on that and that’s why she doesn’t try to be part of the family. Yes she needs some serious therapy, but she also needs to feel like she’s not the cause for all the problems in your household!!
This child needs support and a person she can rely on to support her. She needs someone who she can open up to. When anyone causes self harm they are doing so as a last resort because they are dealing with issues they can’t see another way to control them. Please get her some professional help but also make her feel loved and wanted in your family.
From a former cutter, Cutting is a pain that can be controlled where as emotions are hard to control. Cutting takes your mind off of emotional pain and focuses on something you can touch.
I was a cutter when I was little. I had MANY triggers not just one. The biggest was not having anyone to confide in without being judged to compared to others. My Gramma was my only safe place because I felt NEEDED. That could be the key or may not be. If you are the one initiating trying to help, keep doing that it will be appreciated in the future but honestly she probably needs that from her father more without being sent away. That looked like rejection to me when I was in that situation. Family counsling may be best. Good luck mama I know its scary. She WILL grow out of it when she finds her calling
I’m so very sorry that y’all are going thru this. Check Catholic Charities in your area. They will work with you regarding your income … it could possibly be free. You do not have to be Catholic to go there. They are just there to help.
Hug her, she needs validation, love on her as much as possible sometimes with depression and anxiety or other mental health issues, its hard to explain the emotions happening and thats just for an adult imagine what its like for a 12 year old. She does need professional help as well dont get me wrong, but she needs some one she loves to give her validation, sometimes perfect strangers dont help with that. from experience though, you will be surprised how much just hugging her with all the love u can project and telling her she matters and what shes feeling doesnt make her a crazy person will help with whatever shes struggling with too. Praying for her and for your family 
My grand daughter went through this. She had to be put in a hospital for this for about a year . She is OCD. Get professional help .Its bigger than you.
I agree with most on this post. She may not want to go back, but she needs the help from professionals. Without proper help she could try even worse, like suicide. It’s time. Prayers sent for the whole family.
so why did she leave moms house if she wasnt cutting anymore there? there is a deeper issue. feelings that need to be found and addressed. something is emotionally hurting her and that is her outlet. she needs a professional that specializes in that. a behavioral hospital wont help. my sister was in one many times and still goes back to this day. most cutters have the same trauma. molestation/rape and cannot cope with it. psychiatrists or therapists help
Get her off pharma drugs, clean diet and see a naturopath, and or a kinesiologist, they body read, find out the cause, trauma needs to be delt with before bandaids are put on, sending big love xxx
I would do inpatient again. She could really hurt herself or get an infection.
I know from personal experience, she isn’t going to stop cutting until she feels like she has something to grasp to and find that power in herself to stop. Her mom dad and you need to sit down with her and find out what she needs from y’all. It is difficult and a long road ahead but she will need to know y’all are there and she isn’t in this alone.
Couple things… praying is your best option. Then understand that there is def. something deeper going on than meets the eye. She may deny it but just know that there is. I spent my whole teen years in and out of psych hospitals bc of something i still haven’t told anyone about other than my husband. With the right help and someone she trusts, she’ll feel more comfortable and it will eventually actually hurt and she’ll stop. But just start with praying. Even if you aren’t religious, God will send what/who you need your way at the perfect time.
My son was really hard for a few years there… Suicidal, cutting etc. My partner and I used to do a room sweeps every night. He would sit at our kitchen table to eat and not speak to anyone, even when spoken to. My son had massive chunks of his hair missing, and all his arm and leg hairs had gone, all from the stress that was going on in his head. He refused to talk to any professional. I never wanted to medicate him but that in the end is what helped us the most… meds for dep/anxiety and also sleeping tablets as nights were the worst for him… after 2 years the phyc is starting to cut the strength back.
My son has also gone to live with his father as he can talk to him better then me… My ex and I talk every other day about our kids, so we know absolutely everything that’s going on in their lives.
I feel like ‘something’ has happened to my son at sometime years ago but he he says no.
It’s all about Love, reassure and showing them you’re never giving up on them
Would she be better off back at home with mum? If the only reason she has moved with is is because dad wants more time maybe the move has unsettled her?
The best thing my parents ever did for me was put me back in inpatient and simply visited me there.
I hated it because I didn’t want to have to address my issues, discuss them or relive the trauma however I actually learnt to help myself, healthy coping mechanisms and I had someone completely seperate from my everyday life to discuss the issues with.
I didn’t want to be there but I will forever be thankful that they made that choice for me.
Maybe it may be the best choice for her too.
I agree with so many posts on pieces I do think she needs to be back with mom and I do feel she needs counseling she needs help 12 years a lot is going on and someone from the outside can help there are assistance programs grants to help have you tried Centerstone or even seen what you can qualify for she is still a little girl cutting I know is a cry for help
You sacrifice absolutely every cent you can, and you get her into a decent (suitable) therapist.
Yes, it’s going to be hard financially for a little while, but her health and safety are extremely important.
Send her to a psychologist we get Ten Free visits through a Mental health care plan through our Dr Thus process can take Years till there 25 it’s a control. Mental health problem and she doesent want to talk to you or her dad about her issues isshe being bullied at school struggling at school or with peer pressure boys so many things trigger this behaviour she might need to be Hodpitslized in a mental health teen centre
If it were me I would send her back to mom. Why are you forcing your younger kids to deal with this.
There’s some deep seeded emotional trauma that needs to be addressed here this is coming from a woman who habitually cut herself for 20 years it is a coping mechanism. She needs real help a good therapist is a solid start but don’t let them just start pumping her full of drugs it does not address the situation and some of these drugs can actually make things worse.
She can google “community mental health clinic” for her state. Community mental health clinics were govt mandated to be in all states & accessible to all ppl & accept insurances & offer sliding scale fee for ppl without insurance.
You really need to get her in to some therapy. This isn’t something you can resolver overnight from a Facebook post. Going from the information you have provided she could be going through some attachment issues between the parents. Or it could be something deeper. The cutting is a way she is using to regulate her emotions so it’s probably a good thing for now until you can get her in to speak to a social worker or something. I’m not sure which country you are in but there are a lot of free hotline phone call centres you can try to speak to someone on the phone. They will gather further information from you and possibly do a risk assesment and safety plan for ypur little.girl if she has suicidal thoughts/plans and it’s important that you get her talking to someone. I wish your family all the best.
A girl needs her Mother, and it seems like you have a full house already and another one on the way. Maybe it’s too much for her to handle plus her being the oldest. If she was doing ok with Mom maybe the best thing for her is to go back. Just saying, not judging.
I have a daughter that has had similar issues, she has been diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety, this all started at around 12 years of age, she too has cut herself, along with various other things to many to mention, I have taken her to psychologists, psychiatrists, counselers, paediatricians, she has been on medications, for depression and anxiety as well as sleeping tablets, I never wanted to medicate my child, but there was little choice,
It is a very long road when dealing with a child that has these issues, it is also very stressful for everyone evolved, I wish you luck and hope that things improve.
Headspace offer free counselling just need a referral from doctor,
I was a cutter at 12 she was already having issues before it is not because of you guys hug her be there for her she will NOT go to you and tell you shes hurting im sure she feels alone her life needs to change for the better idk about her but i cut for controlled pain i dis not cut to kill myself take her out on a girl night of a girls weekend she needs real help not abandonment she needs love and stability be that for her
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I’m struggling with this too with my 16 year old. Inpatient treatment isn’t the answer unless she’s at extreme risk of hurting herself (more than just cutting. Like suicidal risk). It’s isolating, it’s restrictive and it keeps her away from the people who she loves. Look instead for an intensive outpatient treatment program that your insurance covers. They will do 6-8 weeks like 3 hours a day 5 days a week. And during that time they help you find psychiatrists and therapists that will best help your child after outpatient is over, that are within your insurance network
Hugs mama. It’s a stressful road, but the programs are there to help you. Cutting is more about having the pain on the inside match your outside, to feel connected to a world you’ve disassociated from, or to physically feel the pain you’re feeling emotionally. Self harm is not always about something like suicidal ideation. Sometimes it’s just what I said above. And if her life is not at risk, inpatient hospitals won’t “fix” the self harm, it’s a short term intensive treatment not a long term solution.
Coming from someone who had to go to a psych hospital on multiple occasions as a teen, send her back. She’s crying out for help n she needs you to make that final step for her!! There were so many times I’d try killing myself or harming myself and my dad did what he NEEDED to do to get me help. She will one day greatly appreciate you doing this for her! I’ll be praying for her 
Have you talked to a therapist yourself and learn more as to why people cut. Some do it for control and to help release anger. And some does it because of depression. Maybe start spending one on one time with her. Even if it is just a hour or so. Let her pick out the activity to do. She may feel like she doesn’t have control over things at the moment and that is the only way she knows how to take some control back. Also doing family counseling together may help to. If that is something you haven’t tried yet. Give it a try.
let her be with her mom
While I dont have any suggestions that have worked for us, I am pregnant with twins and I have a 4 yr old, a 6 yr old and a 12 yr old. My 12 yr old has been exhibiting some very exhausted behaviors and we are also having her counseled but it seems to have no bearing. She also refuses to take any responsibility, do any chores, and shes very destructively to our home and things ( she will paint the wall or dump glue in a cabinet or cut the younger sisters doll hair off - and then deny it was her) and she will pick her skin until she bleeds and scars and absolutely refuses to stop. Its definitely hard and stressful - I certainly wish you the best in finding a solution that works for you!
I’m
Pretty concerned with the mother waking her up every night every hour to strip down. That’s a major violation of privacy with her body and sounds awful to not
Allow her to get restful sleep. Your daughter needs therapy and a safe place to discuss her feelings. Cutting is a release from internal pain most often and she is suffering. Was her bio mom
Emotionally abusive?
Sounds like she would rather be with her mother. Kudos to her father and you for wanting to be active in her life, but I think that’s hurting her more than helping her.
Coming from a recovered cutter and a survivor of suicide attempts ( the s is not a mistake ) send her back to the hospital. She is a danger to herself.
As a kid who cut and was sent to mental hospitals. They don’t work. At all. It gives them more reason to cut most the time due to thoughts that come to the child’s mind of no one cares.They have to realize they don’t have to do this is does get better. (My breaking point was getting pregnant at 17) but all you can do is be there for her. Don’t be to hard on her. She needs all the love she can get right now. And do anything you can to get her a therapist she trusts. That she will open up to. It’s going to get hard before it gets better. Maybe get some one on one time with her if possible! Good luck.
It sounds like you are blaming her. Just the way this is written. If you’re actually having that sort of attitude towards her, could be your first problem.
They self inflict to release pain. Try different techniques sounds crazy but works… I slowly did w my daughter… ice cubes on skin… hot hot showerts… draw red marker… etc… so no scars!!! Their is a good book look up books on cutting n self inflicted
Did she do that stuff when she lived with her mom? And is her living with y’all only because he wants more time, cause it kinda sounds like she don’t want to live with you guys.
I was sent to an inpatient juvenile hospital when I was a teenager. I hated it at first, and hated my parents for sending me away. However, it really helped me. The main thing I remember was my parents asking how will we know she’s ready to come home. The answer was “when she worries about going home”. Meaning if I was still begging to get out, my treatment wasn’t done. Sure enough when they felt I was ready to go to the out patient part of therapy I begged to not go because I was afraid I couldn’t make it at home. I know now it must have killed my parents to do it, but it’s what I needed to survive.
She doesn’t WANT to hurt herself! Jesus, get the kid some help no matter the cost.
Pm me my husband dealt with the same issue.
My daughter started cutting , turns out she was being abused. I had no clue , till she drank at a school dance and finally told me .
Typically it is a way for control and to feel something when you become numb to everything else… my now 19 yo went thru this, therapy, understanding, check ins, involving the school, removing sharps etc. I would not send her to inpatient if you can help it unless you believe her to be suicidal. Understanding and control of making her decisions helps. Knowing that she can trust you is a big step. I would maybe involve her with the responsibility of other kids where you can. It’s a tough road and my heart goes out to you.
DBT therapy is amazing if you can find a therapist that does it. The entire family benefits from the skills learned
My kids are younger so I have no direct experience with this but I have seen where a parent will leave an empty journal with the child. When they want or need to, they can write in it and then leave it in the parents room (or any specified place). The parent can then read it - judgement free, and write back. Maybe she would feel more comfortable writing it down rather than discussing it face to face. And set rules up for this journal to make each of you feel as ease. Like maybe no face to face discussion about anything written in the journal. Or no punishment for things disclosed. I wish you so much luck in navigating this!
Work with her therapist to develop a replacement behavior for cutting until she can address the underlying issues. Some people have tried less harmful things like snapping a rubber band on the skin or drawing with a red marker on the skin to simulate the blood. This will be a long road but don’t give up hope.
I know maybe I will be a very unpopular opinion but stop having babies!! You can’t afford copays to ensure your oldest gets services 
Sounds like she wants to live with mom.
- Stop blaming her for her depression and cutting.
- The more you press her about things like chores she will indeed cut. She is just trying to stay alive and you’re concerned about the wrong things!
- She needs help that you cannot give. Sending her to be stripped down by her mother…is probably what she fears!
- Get her some real help and get your head out of your own anus. Stop comparing her to yourself. She isn’t you.
I realize that medication tends to be a taboo thing these days, but speaking from experience the right medication can do wonders. If she’s already on medication, it’s obviously not the right one. You need to do everything you can to make sure that poor girl gets into both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Medications don’t need to be permanent, but they are necessary when things have gotten this bad.
Something I saw online that has stuck with me “i wanted to die and you were screaming about dishes” it doesn’t sound like you’re making her feel like part of the family. If this was one of your children would you be concerned about the cuts on their arms or them doing the chores? You need to take a step back and make what she’s going through top priority. Spend special time with her doing fun things without acting like she owes you for those things, be a source of comfort, be compassionate, get her to a doctor and therapist, and most importantly, treat her as one of your own!
I was around her age when I began self harm by cutting. I had been through sexual abuse, a nasty parent divorce. I blamed myself alot. I didnt want to be a burden so I would isolate myself. I felt like everything that I touched would be destroyed. I developed insomnia and eating problems. A therapist told me I was manic Depressive bipolar. Later, a teacher would help me find a more fitting diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.
My suggestion is to ask her to write it all down, everything she feels. But dont read it, get her a lock box with a key to keep it safe. Ask her counselor at school to meet with her regularly, ask if she can include friends in these meetings sometimes. I can almost garuntee her friends are going through the same. Lost souls tend to find each other.
And for the love of God quit blaming her, she does that enough herself. Being the oldest is hard enough without being blamed for being the fuck up. Especially when that fuck up seems to simply be not cutting deep enough. Maybe shes feeling so much inside that pain is the only thing that can distract her enough to sleep.
Honestly, if marijuana is legal it may help regulate that emotional overflow. But I’m not going into that on here.
Feel free to message me. Or even get her to. I cant tell you how important it is to remind her how much you care.
As someone who has cut themselves and attempted suicide several times… hospitals dont help… she needs love and support and to not feel alone… she should definitely b talking to psychiatrist to try and work out her issues and get to the root of the problem… if u keep putting her in hospitals you will push her away. Good luck
She is ANGRY about something you need to get your husband and her mother together so they can talk to her together. Whether you like it or not that needs to happen. There may be some resentment from her having to live with her dad. Idk the dynamic of either household but it seems like she doesnt like something about your house. Is she the only one with a different mom? That can be a factor as well. I used to cut from the age of 10 to around 17. Its a release. At least for me and all the other people I knew who did it. I hid mine very well so noone found out until later on when I messed up being angry about something (can’t remembe now) I know now that it was a unhealthy coping mechanism but back then thats all I knew. Try not to be too harsh, as you have said she has gone through a lot. Best of luck and hope she comes through it well.
This child is hurting on the inside, and she’s showing you that by hurting herself on the outside. She NEEDS therapy. Regardless of the co-pay costs. And a psychiatric hospital should not be discussed as though it’s a punishment, it’s to help people that are not able to keep themselves safe ay a particular time. Cutting and depression are not things to punish a child for! As well as the fact that waking her up every hour and making her strip is disrupting her sleep, which she needs, and is downright abusive.
And if you and your husband can’t take care of the children you have, perhaps you should stop making more.
Take her to start in houma that is where m daughter goes she has disabilities and recently found out she is bypolar she ha depression and also has impulse control sisorder
Disorder she gets angry when she cant get her way
Maybe she just needs her mum? At end of the day no1 can make u feel better 100% other than your mum
Shes twelve and has mental healthi ssues, actually cutting herself and it sounds like you dont want her there. Woukd you ratjer she kills herself? Thats the next step here.
As a former teen with mental health problems they only worsened when i was threatened to behave normally or shed put me im forster care… . Constantly told me my cutting was just attention seeking. And when at fourteen i attempted suicide and was hospitalised she did nothing to give me the mental health support. I now dont speak to her. She is not a part of her grandsons life and never will be. My mental health issues were even harder to get under control because nipping it at a younger age and lesrning coping skills would have been better
My mother rejected me due tp my mental healgh dont make her mistake.
This CHILD is suffering.
You cant just turn an on and off switch on your brain, it doesnt work that way. She sounds like she is really struggling. Posts like this piss me off.
If you cant get her or wont get her help send her back with her mother or someone who actually gives a shit and has the patience to deal with the issue and give this child a support network.
U need to get her some help now n quick cuz I lost my best friend 2 yrs ago n to suicide n she started cutting herself when she was a young kid n she did it sll way until a grown man n she took her own life cuz of depression n etc. Take her to a place called (Pathways behavioral. Health system ) they provide insurance for the counseling n medicines.
Also what is sticking out for me is
“I struggled with depression but I never resorted to cutting” is a big flag
Depression isn’t the same in everyone. And often, depression is just a symptom of something else. You already know that you don’t understand it. You just need to all let her know that you don’t understand it. But you want to learn the best way to help her.
And yes, sometimes the best way to help her IS inconvenient for other members of the family. But everyone in the family LOVES her. And it’s not a bad thing for everyone to learn that when you love someone, you sacrifice to keep them safe.
No I don’t think it’s a good idea to wake her up every hour to do a skin check. That’s rather abusive and controlling. Occasional skin checks are ok. BUT without stripping her nude, that’s degrading. I have serious questions about her moms behavior when it comes to that.
Trying giving her some rubberband to put on her wrist when she gets the urge to cut she can snap the bands instead
If she wants to be with her mom send her back.
So you can pay for a hospital stay but not counseling? She needs to be in counseling. You know she has problems yet think she can fix them on her own? If she had a physical medical condition would you get her help!? I’m angry so I’m going to leave it at that…but I think it’s medical neglect.
Find someone or she loves more than anything (maybe a younger sibling) and give her their photo, tell her to look at it, and imagine the look on that siblings face if she was cutting herself in front of that sibling (or whoever it is) tell her to think of their face every time she wants to cut, tell her she needs to stop cutting for their sake. If you make it about stopping for her sake she will not stop. I used to be a cutter, this is how I stopped. My teenager cut once or twice, this is how I got her to stop.
Wtf is she being forced to strip down. That’s assault and uncalled for.
She’s a harm to herself. Take her to the local psych center and they can assist you with referrals and medication management.
As a former cutter, she needs love an attention. Understanding. Knowing that she isn’t alone. Maybe it’s time for you to reconnect or even her real mom to connect with her. Cutting is a way of controlling the pain you cant otherwise control. Shes hurting on the inside.
My daughter went through this for a very short while. She is in therapy and is doing much better. I would agree that a therapist would be the best option since that gives her someone to talk with. She might be upset about leaving her mom’s and possibly friends. We made a big move right before my daughter’s incident. I’m praying for her and your family to find the answers that best fit y’all! <3 Also maybe check with the school counselor to see if she might be willing to recommend one who might work on a sliding scale instead of insurance. Just a thought
Sounds a lot like my childhood. Would she rather be with her mom? I feel like at her age if she doesn’t want to be somewhere (your house with your family and her dad) she is going to act out until she is happy. And I personally believe she is old enough to have a say in where she resides. Maybe let her go back with her mom (if her mom has a better handle on things with her) and try from a different route. If SHE wants a closer relationship with her dad, maybe they could find a different way to bond and spend time together instead of her living with you guys.
Send her back to her actual mom where she wants to be. She doesn’t want to be with you or her dad and she’s old enough that she should get a say.
Cutting expresses a need to control something. It’s the only thing she feels that she has actual power over.
Being moved from one home to another, more children around and include school and puberty, life can feel like it’s spiraling out of control.
I can tell you that my parents tried numerous things and it never helped. When I was able to control other things like my schedule and make my own plans, it helped.
She needs love and support and maybe be able to manage her own schedule and make her own choice on where she wants to live.
this is still a child you are talking about i would take her to the hospital as sounds like she is safer there
Just try art therapy
Literally creating art
Helps so much
A craft
A sport
Talking is too hard so while ur waiting to get the therapist do this
St John’s wort
Ask her dr if she can take this
Shes cutting herself at her moms
It started over there
I mean it is traumatizing for a child to have divorce parents and could lead to rebellion but a child doesn’t harm herself for no reason. She’s hurting and cutting herself is her way of showing it. I think that with all the kids and new baby maybe she needs a little bit more TLC and 1 on 1 time with dad. Not saying she should get special treatment but being the oldest give a child more responsibility and just because your coming to terms with this pregnancy doesn’t mean she is. You should have a family counseling session with just her and her dad to try and help build a safe place for their relationship.
If dad was able to get her into a facility, there are options for therapy. A facility is far more difficult to get someone into, so there are options. Reach out to local mom’s for ideas for providers covered by insurance. Shoving her into a facility for this behavior is ridiculous and traumatizing. She needs counseling and support. There are also tons of Facebook groups for parents that can offer advice and support too.
I’ll be honest, there’s a good chance the counselor called CPS, so be prepared for them to come knocking on your door and know your rights there too (although if the only option considered is a psych hospital and you’re not able to/unwilling to get her real help, I’m sure CPS would be more than happy to take her, so you and your husband need to figure out what you’re willing and going to do for her)
12 year old girls need their moms, as much as dads want to be there and close, she needs her mom. There will come a time when she needs her dad and that will be his time. But forcing it right now because he wants to be close to her might push her away. I am not saying this to be mean, I commend you and him for wanting what is best for her. But I think she needs her mom.
Your husband found out she had a problem and SENT HER AWAY. What did you expect? She’ll never come to you again.
Dont give up. Have your husband peak to the school counselor. Have him explain the situation and financial worries with insurance. They will do everything in their power to help her. You personally are a mother role model and you need to be there for her. She maybe crying out for attention and this in her 12 year old mind is how she is dealing. But sending her to live with her mom is not the answer. In any and every situation I would chose my children and your husband may do the same if you give hime that ultimatum.
Get her to your local ER. The legal term is "representing a danger to herself or others … " While she’s there for the hours they are required to hold her for observation, the hospital finance ppl can probably turn you on to children’s financial services. Please don’t give up!
Many Er docs or pcps can send a referral and insurance will cover it if referral is sent.
Did she want to leave her mum? Sounds like she didn’t - and if she was sent away the first time when she had problems, she’s probably frightened of coming to you guys for fear of being cast out again.
Love her and ask what she needs. Let her know that she has you.
She can sleep on a mattress on the floor in your room. That’s what my mom did 
Sounds to me like she doesn’t want to live with you and your husband. Maybe you should let her live with her mom if she’s more happy there. Also just because she’s cutting herself does not necessarily mean that she wants to hurt herself to kill herself, it could be a release, although it does need to be addressed and an alternative method of release can be found, waking her up constantly throughout the night is not the answer and honestly would probably only escalate the problem and cause her more stress.