Hello I wanted to get some advice by sending an anonymous post:
I have been with my now husband for 15 years we recently got married 5 years ago and have 3 children. 1 teen and 2 under 6 y.o. He has been very emotionally abusive, used to physically push me and break things-that has gotten better thank God, very negative, we argue all the time, and I am simply physically and emotionally ready to get out. We can go all day without talking and when we do it is a screaming match and arguing. He is one that has made me feel like I am walking on eggshells. He does take medication for his behavior but even with that it is a roller coaster of emotions. We go back and forth; he apologizes, that lasts for about 1 day, and before I know it we go back to the same screaming matches. I don’t want my kids especially my teen daughter thinking this is normal. I have talked to her and told her this relationship is not healthy. Just bc we do argue in front of them which I know is not good. I have decided to file for divorce. For anyone that has not been in an emotionally abusive relationship you should know that it has been the hardest thing for me to admit and go through with accepting that we need a divorce. There is no amount of therapy that will make this man change. I take my kids to church if I am able to, I get them to and from practices, and I buy the majority of all household items. My question is how do I prepare financially? I make more bc I got my masters degree. He depleted his 401k and had to pay a penalty when he recently moved jobs whereas I have been with my employer for 10 years and have about 70k in my 401k. We have the majority of loans and things under my name bc I am the one that has had the credit. But we have no savings bc of all the bills we have we live paycheck to paycheck. I recently made him put his car in his name bc my debt to income was getting to be a lot. While I was in school I got loans and have accumulated some cc debt. I am in the process of paying it off little by little. We do not share a checking or savings account which maybe a good thing. We have equity in our house and am trying to get it ready to sell. Again these are all costs that I pay for. I purchased all the paint and I have painted almost the majority of the house. All while he degrades me for it taking me so long. I work fulltime and have 2 jobs so the painting I will do on my days off usually. He hasn’t even volunteered to hand me a paint brush during this whole remodeling process. My biggest concerns are that he told me if we divorce he can request alimony bc I make more and he will most likely want half of my 401k. I am scheduling a meeting with a lawyer this week. I have in the meantime been recording some of his outbursts and have saved them. It is so hard to do bc I have to do it sneakily. He is one of those that posts how great he is on fb but honestly never gets off the couch or phone to ever interact with his kids. But he loves them and they love him so I don’t want to take them away from him. So I will most likely go with shared custody. I am at no fault with this relationship he has made a bitter and just a mean person. I used to just take the emotional and physical abuse. Now I at least stand up for myself and talk to him like he talks to me. When I was going through school and would be studying late he would tell me how stupid I was bc it took me so long to do my work. My self esteem has turned to crap. I hate who I am when I am with him and am just ready to be done. He can be very manipulative and is a very smart guy. I have been with him since I was 19 years old and have never lived alone so doing it as a single mom with kids makes me nervous to actually go through with it. I have tried to leave 3 times and he somehow convinces me to take him back bc he will change. This is the first time I have actually told a friend I am wanting a divorce and actually called to set up a consultation with a lawyer. So sorry to ramble. I am just at a loss of if I should take some time to pay off things and save some money up. How much should I have set aside for a lawyer? Do they get paid at the end or do they want money upfront? Any advice for anyone that has experienced this is much appreciated. In addition to the financial advice how do I make this process easier for my kids to support them emotionally? Thanks for taking the time to read.