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QUESTION:
"My mom just died and I have a little bit of a dilemma. Do I call my sister out for bad mouthing my little brother all of these years for "not working" when he was actually taking care of our mother just before her death? Long story short every sibling got married and moved on except for my little brother. When I was a teenager I took care of my mom but she really wasn't as bad off as she was later in life. My little brother took over. He worked at first but her health deteriorated and it became a full time job to care for her while my father worked. My dad is a workaholic and earns way more than my brother did so it made sense. She's had many close calls and my brother saved her life each time. Unfortunately covid eventually took her life and he is holding a lot of guilt to the point that I worry he might hurt himself. Our older siblings have made him feel so worthless all this time that he cannot see how many more years he's given our mother to live. I am furious. None of them lifted a finger. Ever. It was just us 2 youngest kids. Just because he's male doesn't mean his worth is less for having chosen taking care of his sick mother instead of being employed or married. He sacrificed his whole life and right now he doesn't know what to do with himself. I really feel like something needs to be said but I don't know if now is the time since mom isn't buried yet. The funeral was delayed because my dad and brother had covid too."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I would say something. My mom took care of my grandma for years, so I know how it feels. They have no idea what it’s like to totally devote your life to caring for a loved one, then to make him feel even worse??? No, that’s not okay when they didn’t even lift a finger to help. I would wait until after she’s buried, but I would say something since your brother is in a sensitive state and needs your help"
"Call her out your brother probably would appreciate knowing someone had his back considering your concerns for him and his health he deserves to know somebody saw the effort he put in to take good care of your mom I honestly hope one of my kids loves me that much"
"Sometimes people need to hear how they’re behavior impacted/impact others. My deepest condolences to you and your family. You’re grieving right now and so is everyone. Your brother deserves to be protected, and your sister needs to be addressed and asked not to be running her family down. Publicly show your brother appreciation for doing the labor intensive work and offer support to him when he finds himself. His transition back to work will be a process because he is no longer a caregiver and he has to find himself.Public affection amd appreciation may be all thats needed to shut the negativity down."
"Your sister sounds like she’s projecting her insecurities on to your brother.( maybe she’s mad she couldn’t be as selfless as him) Making him out to be useless when he did the most selfless thing. It takes a lot to put your life on hold to care for a loved one. I’m sure she knows his sacrifices but I’d definitely say something and remind her."
"Stand up for your brother. Let him know how grateful you are for the help and love he gave to your mother."
"Yes call her out. Caregiving for an ailing loved one is a full time and thankless job….and if your siblings were around enough then they would’ve seen how much help your mom needed. You didn’t say they weren’t around but if they were, how would they not see the need? Your brother should be able to go to sleep at night knowing he did the right thing, and not feel worthless. I’m sorry for your loss"
"Call them out 100% you need to stand up for your brother! If nothing else do it for your mom! I care full time for my parents, it’s hard, draining emotional and physically on the caretaker."
"Yes! Please call her out! That isn’t right at all for her to bad mouth him. She needs to be put in her place and he needs to be thanked and honored for giving up any dreams he may have had for his life to take care of her. I was my mommas caregiver, I had absolutely no life during that time. And I don’t regret a second of it would do it a million times over, but literally he gave up any dreams he had for himself to make sure she was good and that’s awesome"
"This is a hard situation. Feelings are all high. I do agree something needs to be said but not now. There are a lot of things to be sorted still. Respectfully, your mom wouldn’t want drama at her funeral. My family had a very similar situation. It all came out when sorting through belongings, they had entire house because both grandparents had died at that point. Trust me this is not the drama you want out and to be dealing with right now."
"Call her out and support him emotionally by reassuring him. I dropped out of school to take care of my mother. I did it for 16 years before she passed last year. Your brother took a position on that isn’t easy and he deserves to know he did his best! It gets a little better over time, but, there’s always that nagging in the back of your head like you could’ve done better. He will need someone to help him keep that at bay."
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