This question was submitted to our community via our Facebook page and/or our Answers forum. Responses are also taken from the community. If you have your own parenting or relationship question you would like answers to, submit on Facebook or Answers.
Image via Shutterstock
QUESTION:
“Me and my ex-husband had 2 kids together. We were young when they were born, but they were planned. When they were 3 and 5 and he was traveling for work he met someone and decided not to come home to his family. He called and told me he didn’t love me anymore and he filed for divorce and moved in with this other women. Fast forward to now… the kids are 12 and 14. Just a year ago was the first time he reached out to them. I gave them the option to meet their dad. They have his number and they text back and forth sometimes, he drives 4 hours for some of their competitions, games, etc. And they have rooms at his house for the couple times they have gone to stay with him. He’s doing well and wants to bond with them now… we just decided on when the kids would go to see him this summer yesterday and my daughter comes to me (14) and tells me she doesn’t want to go. She would rather stay home, that when she is with her dad he’s suffocating trying to bond, ask questions, always wants to know what she’s doing, suggesting to do things and she doesn’t want to be mean so she does what he wants but she never has any interest in it. Her dad signed away all physical and legal rights in the divorce. Would you make her go? She’s 4 hours from home when she’s there. I’m torn between telling her to give him more time and try to be open about the things she doesn’t like or needs space, and telling her that she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to be there.”
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“No she will resent you if you force her to go. He signed away his rights. He lost the “right” to be on there lives. He is NOT entitled to a relationship with them so he had better suck it up and understand that any relationship they have is on her terms not his!”
“I wouldn’t. She’s 14 old enough to make a decision like this. He made his when he walked away. He may want to mend the fences with them but it’s up to them.”
“She will just resent both of you for forcing the relationship if you make her go. If he doesn’t have any legal tie to her then let her decide if she wants to or not. Maybe some day down the line she will be ready to fully open that door with him. It sounds like right now she just needs space to figure her own feelings out without feeling suffocated.”
“I would first talk to dad and let him know to back off a little and let the bond happen naturally. I’d encourage my daughter to go and let her know at any point she’s just not comfortable that she can come home.”
“I would not, I feel like that is an acceptable age for her to decide how much he is involved, especially since he was not around for her younger years, and thats on him… that was when he should have been bonding with his kids rather than looking for a new family.”
“Could you have a conversation with him and bring up what she’s said? I.e he’s trying too hard and maybe tone it down a bit, that said though he signed his rights away so no you shouldn’t force your daughter to go stay with him if she doesn’t want to. Four hours is a long way from home and at that age, she’s more than old enough to decide for herself you and your children don’t owe him anything.”
“Even a court would say shes at an age to decide for herself.”
Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!
READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW: