Should I forgive my friends for being distant while I was had postpartum depression?

I’m sure most of you mamas know or have experienced postpartum & if you know what I’m talking about than you’ll know when you go through things like that and you recover from it your mind totally shifts. Well at least for me it did… I had kids younger than most of my friends that I was still in contact with from high school we were all so close . We call each other sisters. But during my trying time all but 1 of 6 was there for me. I would fuss about them making efforts to see me being that I moved an hour away. I let them know exactly what it was that I was going through and even broke down crying to 1 particular friend that was considered to be my best friend in HS . The response I got out of her was “it works both ways” they were upset that I would not drive an hour with a 1 year old and a new born plus going through postpartum. At the time they didn’t have kids so they couldn’t even dare to understand my situation.. so after 3 years of suffering with postpartum I got through it all by my self .. I feel as if I am stronger than I EVER was. BUT NOWW !! The tables have turned that one specific friend that didn’t have any regards to what I was going through recently had her first bby and NOW she expects me still to drive down there and see her and meet the beautiful baby. But to be honest with you I kind of lost all interest in entertaining that relationship.. I have no hard feelings for her AT ALL and I wish her the best . But now she makes post that are supposed to be subliminal for me about people being there for you during postpartum etc. she’s a good friend of mine and she’s apologized for treating me that way during my trying time .. but for some reason I just can’t seem

To just put that behind me … I still love her but at a distance… I guess what I’m trying to ask is am I wrong should I feel bad for not making efforts into meeting her new bundle of joy ? Because I just feel as she said “it works both ways” now that she is going through postpartum she totally forgot how she treated me during my time … and now expects more out of me than she gave me … we have a cordial relationship we talk here and there. But for me the interest isn’t there anymore and I just feel if you couldn’t be there for me during my time of need I bossed up and don’t put energy to things it doesn’t belong… I just don’t know how to get her to understand it … I want to sometimes have that conversation with her and let her know how that made me feel and my thoughts on it coming out of it … but I feel I don’t want to cause drama or hurt her feelings after just having her precious baby. I feel the time isn’t right


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I forgive my friends for being distant while I was had postpartum depression?

In my opinion, not being there when someone needs you the most defeats the purpose of friendship and she wasn’t a friend to you so her expectations seem selfish.

I’m a big fan of giving what you receive. You aren’t doing it out of spite, you just don’t feel the same connection you once had. She couldn’t put herself in your shoes, so it’s unfair that she expects you to do the same. I have friends who didn’t come to my baby shower or anything important like that. I have friends who never checked up on me. Its fine, I love them from afar, but it showed me their true colors. You don’t have to be a mom to be empathetic and a caring friend, so don’t write her a pass for not being there for you because because wasn’t a mom and didn’t understand. Some friendships just end. Some just fizzle out. That’s life.

Friendship can be difficult, I have tried to accept my friends for who they truly are in that season in their life. I don’t expect more from them than they have the ability to give. Friends don’t keep score.

Whatever season I am in, that is my season and my cross to bear.

Be the friend you want to be. What kind of a friend do I want to be? and I am that friend. What kind of a friend can I be during whatever season I am in? Be that person, that’s the person that will make you the happiest.

Again, Friends don’t keep score. Maybe have that conversation with her. It will bring you closer.

Have you ever needed forgiveness?


Mom of three, don’t be upset with your friends. They may have been giving you your space to adjust to being a new mom. They are adjusting too some will stay some will go. The ones who go are making room for new friends in your new journey. Hang I. Their mama you got this.

Not everyone knows how to respond in situations like depression. I’m sure their distance wasn’t intentional. Big the bigger person if the situation is a deal breaker for friendship so be it walk away. But consider how u felt and what u needed and where u really stand with that friend. It’s really ur decision.

Sound like you want to be a crappy friend just like they were. Tit for tat…you did this to me so I’m gonna do it back… ok sounds like you both need to grow up being parent’s and all now. Life is hard and you acted cool with her until she’s going threw the same thing you went threw and you know how hard it was with out friends… seems shady to me… I wouldn’t want a nor need anyone in my life that does shady stuff like that…

listen ill always have love for certain people, but if I feel you moved the wrong way around me ill distance myself. ya ill always miss the old us, but that ain’t how we are anymore, we grew in different ways. but also you might be able to reconnect over your kids and let bygones be bygones.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I forgive my friends for being distant while I was had postpartum depression?

U don’t, u find new friends and move on


Be the bigger person and help her through this. If this is her first child, she could not have known what you were going through!

First of all, congratulations on you healing and being there for your family.
You have friends that just do not understand the mental illness you have. That’s not to say that you should not be hurt . By there lack of empathy. Most people when they don’t know how to help or what to say distance themsekves.
Becoming a parent opens your vision more on life and what is important.
These ladies do not understand the amount of preparation and the time it takes to not only get a toddler and newborn ready for and outing but an hour long car ride there and back. Nit to mention getting yourself ready. Mommy and me outing are great therapy for all ! If you are better , then show by example what a friend, a true friend is! Bring the new mom a casserole - she’s got a newborn and will need to feed herself while she is healing. Bring her her favorite beverage, it will bring back memories of life ! Buber her advise that you found helpful during your recovery, she’ll fell she’s not alone and having someone who’s” Ben there done that “ will giver her strength that she has someone on her side.
Don’t bring up how hurt you were …. She’s already struggling.
This is YOUR opportunity to help a fellow new mom. Be proud that you prevailed and that you can help someone in need !
While you are there… if she hadn’t showered
Off to sit with het baby while she gets a real shower in…. You know how precious those are! Show her what you were missing during your struggle. Some just don’t know what postpartum is and what the struggles and needs you have. And they just don’t know how to help.
She may not totally get it what you are doing until she has healed herself. She may recognize what you are doing right away. If she does. And she want to talk about it then talk about it. But don’t open the door to that unless she starts.
Best wishes


I think you should be a better friend to her than She was to you, and you can approach the conversation about how it hurt you that she basically blew you off in your times of need at a later point. But honestly, she had no real clue what you were going through. And since youve been able to heal and come such a long way, can you really be happy with yourself allowing her to suffer and struggle for a petty payback?

My mom always said “dont rely on anyone but yourself”…
Its always true…your friends have proven it :wink:

You wrote this long book when you could’ve just moved on with your life??

As a woman that suffered for a long time… yes it is shitty your friend wasnt there for you and now wants you there for her but…
You know how it felt. Would you want her to be alone the way you were? Im not saying go above and beyond, im saying you should go… one time… see them, meet the baby, sit her down and talk to her about how it made you feel, how you can relate to what she is going through, and then… see how she responds and how that makes you feel. If you still feel like a friend from a distance, then tell her and wish her well… people forget you have to breakup with friends too…

I think you sound a little self centered and selfish. You wanted her to cater to you and come see you. She’s right it works both ways and it sounds like even now during HER trying time she’s reaching out to you. Seems to me like you never wanted to meet half way you just wanted it all about you.

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I understand how you’re thinking completely. I’ve reached out for help when I was depressed and had no response. It hurts. There’s all the RUOK campaigns, all the lip service towards helping people with mental health, but when you actually ask someone for help with it they do nothing. I used to be more forgiving towards people. I’m finding now that my mental health seems better if I burn bridges when people aren’t there for me. If I was always taking from them I would understand - but that’s not the case. She wasn’t there for you and she’s sending passive aggressive messages now. It would be hard to rebuild a friendship based on that. Maybe just look up some good services for post partum depression and send her some info on that. You could choose to be the bigger person… but you might just find that despite the depression she is still the same person that wasn’t there for you.

Just tell her…IT WORKS BOTH WAYS!!!Use her own words against her.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I forgive my friends for being distant while I was had postpartum depression?

Speak up to your friends about your feelings

I think you will feel better about yourself if you take the high road and go visit her. Turn the other cheek so to speak. It is true two wrongs don’t make a right. Treat her as you would have liked to be treated. Maybe she can learn from you.


Be the bigger person and go see her at least one time. She’s obviously learned her lesson as she is experiencing the loneliness now. After having kids, it’s not as easy to up and go whenever someone wants you to and your priorities have changed. I wouldn’t set any plans for “visiting next time” as motherhood is your new priority.


Relationships with others aren’t always meant for life. Focus on finding friends where you live. And if you find you have the time to spend a day with her do it. You may just be too busy now to lose a day traveling

Here’s a few things to think about.
You mentioned that y’all were young. How young? How dependent was she on her parents for being able to drive places? How much freedom was she actually given to go see you?
She told you it worked both ways …so…how many times did she go see you before she told you that?

In this situation as with many others I would suggest putting your feelings on pause and looking at the logical and practical sides of things before you start casting too many stones.

While you say you don’t…this post is full of resentment…But…I think your resentment may be a little misplaced.


Be the better person. Why would your any someone to go through what you did? Getting"revenge" isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.


Show her how to be a real friend! Go there at least once… I know for me, it took someone doing for me, what i would never do for them- as an eye opener that i was a shitty friend and needed to go more out of my way for them. I was just selfish at the time but Im definitely a better friend/person because of her kindness

If they were really your friends, they would have been there for you during post Partem depression. For me, it showed me who was real and who wasn’t and who would stick with me through the bad times. If they can’t be there for you during your bad times, they don’t deserve you at your best. Post Partem Depression is a very serious and mind altering experience which I’m sure they made worse by denying you the support system you desperately needed. They made you learn how to live without them, and you did it like a champ. At this point what do they offer you and your life? Do they offer positivity? Or toxicity? I had only 2 friends out of many that were there for me during post Partem. Unfortunately when I saw myself out of it after almost 2 years, I became independent where I was previously dependent and they ghosted me. They turned out to like me during my bad times bc I was dependent on they’re support, and dislike me when I could support myself. A true friend sticks by you no matter what condition you are in as long as it doesn’t prove harmful or toxic to them or you. Life has a funny way of showing us who is real and who isn’t. And sometimes, when it shows you who isn’t real, just listen.

Surely if she is herself struggling with postpartum depression, you don’t want to make it worse by bringing up what she didn’t do for you 3 years ago, obviously you’ve kept in contact in 3 years as I found, I’d just be a bigger person so up meet her child and be a friend to her!

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I dealt with PPD for 2 years. You honestly don’t know or understand until it’s YOU. I sure didn’t until I was holding my baby on the front room floor, sobbing and begging my husband to go raise her with someone else because I wasn’t good enough to be her mom.

Not everyone knows what to do or how to be there. I would be the bigger person and reach out. Hell, a conversation may even happen where they’re like “dude I’m so sorry. I had no idea!”

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I forgive my friends for being distant while I was had postpartum depression?

You aren’t going to like this. You went through something and your friend didn’t understand and wasn’t there for you. She’s now going through the exact same thing and reaching out to you. Instead of being empathetic and mature you are unwilling to use your experience to help her. Don’t go see her. You are not her friend. Real friends forgive.


You have a choice. Rise above or sink below. First I’ll tell you you haven’t forgiven her. If you had we wouldn’t be here. So be honest to yourself…and maybe even her. What if she was going through something too, but just not talking about it like you were? What compounds this in my mind is she had no real way to empathize because she’s never been through post partum. And here you have, you know what it is like and you are choosing to let her hang there knowing exactly what she is going through.

Look I am all for walking away from someone toxic. And ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but keep the white hat off. You were both young. Would an older wiser version of her have done this? Or is this just a grudge. What’s it worth. I kinda agree with Cheryl Brownell .
Ultimately the choice to heal this relationship is yours. And think about this…you have never let down a friend…right?


Well like she said it works both ways🤷‍♀️ she didnt want to work with you when you had your kids and were going through a hard time so she shouldn’t expect you to still drive there to see her baby. She only wants to be friends when its convenient for her. That’s not a good friendship to have.


This is truly simple remember that old sane treat someone the way you want to be treated. This is your time to do that and real friends don’t care what happened they got you no matter what happens and is going. Ask yourself this if I got a call she was passing how would I feel? Then you have your answer.


Honestly if u were young and you lived an hour away from your bestie and she was going through what you were would u really understand? They have their lives too. Stop being self righteous and expect people to drop what they doing for you. Depression Is something no one will get until u experience it. You should know this. You come across as arrogant and always me me me. Did you maybe even suggest meeting half way. Surely it’s not all their fault.

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Let the friendship go. Odds are she hasn’t changed and thats probably why your not feeling the friendship anymore. She want s people to give to her what she doesn’t give to others

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I was in the same situation!!! However all my fair weathered friends were local. I have learned with friends never let your guard down!! I have friends but never depend on ANY of them for anything!!! I now depend on my husband and sister :heart::heart:. I would most certainly forgive just don’t forget!!! Best of luck I know how difficult it can be​:heart::heart::heart:


Once a friend betrays you it’s difficult to go back to how it was before. Don’t feel guilty. Now you have two babies to schlep in the car for a whole hour. I bet when she has two she won’t come see you either. So just relax and do what you need to do for yourself. Make new mommy friends in your town.

I have no kids but even after I got out of depression. I couldnt learn how to trust the people around me again. I was abuse, bullyed and abandoned it was pretty hard, I was broken. I fear them and I fear losing them. I was scared i just wanted to be in the house, in my room all day. I had people tell me I was ugly and that no one liked me. They would tell me to pack up my things and leave because my mom doesn’t even care or want me. I lost friends. I guess I wasn’t as fun or rebels as the other girl. I remembered when they laughed because theses guys said some mean things to me. Anyways years later the truth comes out. Turn out they where living behind mask. They didn’t live perfect lives neither. They got exposed pretty bad. They apologize to me and said they know if feels now to be the joke. Forgiving is hard, forgetting is worst but how will we ever live healthy lives not forgiving our enemies. Some are still not even sorry and living in pain not healthy and hiding from monster your whole life is worst. You have to be strong and face them and forgive them no matter how hard it might be.

Let it go sister… continue what yall have of yalls friendship from afar. Forgive them…and do visit them… we do not have to stoop to others level…and we can set out boundaries to how we do ourselves… yet we are to love and forgive… that does not mean to like something or forget
I pray in time this is a stepping stone to strenght… you are also a light…you have been there …you know what it was like for you…
Now they know… so be who you wanted them to be but yet when time is right as friends like sisters
.talk about it …let your feelings be known …ask what happen that they couldn’t be there for you… you got this…and you grew from it…Amen … God puts us on paths to strengthen His Warriors… you are a light now to those that do not know postpartum… this could be the string that bonds that friendship forever… I pray for you… and God’s guidance…
I’m 63… lung cancer survivor and survivor of mental disorders… follow your heart… if you choose not…at least tell why you have choose not to be there and you are moving on but dint leave friendship hanging on a tread…be real…

It’s really up to you there are times that people could be selfish and not be aware of it I used to be like that in the somebody brought it to my attention and then I changed

I know I’m a male and I don’t understand but you know hard it was when you were suffering and now out of spite/pettiness/revenge you are going to let her suffer through it?

2 wrongs don’t make a right, you are having a hard time getting over her not being there for you but yet you want to do the same thing to her,why are you not wanting to go see her is it to get even? Do you know the reason why she was not there for you?

Put the past in the past and move on either your for her friend or you’re not if you’re not move on

I lost my best friend in the world at 18 she died in her sleep, I lost my next best friend at 36 she was killed in a car accident. My last best friend drowned when we were 40. Call your friend, go visit your friends. Don’t be petty because I promise you that phone call comes you will regret petty.

Have you ever needed forgiveness? Think about it.

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What would Jesus do?

Personally you are being shitty. They literally couldn’t understand bc they had no idea. They hadn’t been through it. You were mad they wouldn’t see you but you know what she is going through. Don’t be petty. Make the time. How devastated would you be if she hurt her baby or herself bc nobody was there for her.

A) avoid the subliminal social media post.

b) You are still hurt but if you wish her well, you’ll extend her the grace you didn’t have

C) Bring a young mom when your peers weren’t experiencing it or knew someone directly in their face with it , sounds like they didn’t have the capacity to understand

Perhaps find a middle ground to encourage her and gives you the distance you need from her. Send an actual card in the mail. Give gift cards that will make her feel special for her me time like Bath & Bodyworks and suggest candles for her OR helpful like DoorDash/Postmates/Uber eats or a grocery delivery service.


If you don’t want the friendship then just let her go, it is during the bad times when you know who has your back and who doesn’t. I’m sorry but I’m Petty Crocker and would respond back it goes both ways, remember? Don’t expect what you’re not willing to give. Wish her the best and move on, she is not your friend.