Should I give up and pretend I don't have a grandchild?

My oldest son had a on off on relationship with a gal. She has 3 children from 2 different dads. This hot cold relationship took a sudden turn when the girlfriend came up pregnant. I had been wanting to be a grandma for awhile but it was hard to be excited knowing that my son was not ready for this step. The grandson was born early so I couldn't see him for awhile according to Mama. I tried to help buy some things as she suggested. A few things she Thanked me on but most gleaned no response. I can't stop by to see him. I have to make appointment which is bazaar for me. Now she won't allow me to see the her son at all. My own son is not making any attempt to change things. I have tried to talk to her but you can't reason with her. Her house her rules is what I'm told. Do I just give up and pretend I don't have a grandchild? This is not the grandma experience I had dreamed of.
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Why isn’t she letting you see him? Because of covid? I’m so sorry this is happening! I would text her and tell her that regardless of your son ( if they stay together, co parent, whatever it is) that you’ll always be there for her if she needs something. It seems like she’s hard to deal with… can’t even say thank you. She could just be holding anger towards your son and in then taking it out on you.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I give up and pretend I don't have a grandchild?

That makes me so sad. I wish I could get my daughter’s grandparents involved in her life. I would say keep trying for the child’s sake if your heart is in the right place.

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Try accepting the other children and spoil all. She may be more accepting.

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Don’t ‘give up’ on your grandchild. Also, don’t play her games. When your son has his child, then ask your son to visit with you.

I can understand if baby is very you g bc of Covid, so give her some space to just ‘be’…

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In some states no all but some you can file with a lawyer for grandparents rights and visitation time!

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No you can go to court and see if they’ll give you visitation rights.

Don’t give up. Just do what you can when she allows it.

Ya know I’m not always big on violence but it sounds like ur grandchild’s mother needs a good swift kick in the butt.

Depending on the state some have what’s called grandparents rights I would suggest this grandma look into this with a family law lawyer

She sounds like a DILFH. And I’m sorry if that’s the case. You probably won’t get much from that relationship

Some states grand parents have rights. I would give her some time maybe with covid she is scared.

Wouldn’t you be able to take her to court for like grandparent rights and visitation? Maybe try looking into that in the state you live in.

Don’t quit we got a lawyer n get to see our grandson again now

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There is a thing called grandparents rights

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How about the other kids? Are you making an attempt to include them as well ?
If the answer is no then Maybe the mother is not ok with only having a kid looked out for while the others are left out.

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Unfortunately this is my case

I mean it’s not unreasonable to not allow someone to just stop by to see the child. Making appointments, as you call it, is just the polite thing to do. And if your son isn’t trying to rectify the situation maybe there’s a good reason neither wants you part of the child’s life? How you treat the mother goes a long way.

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I think I would have more of an issue with my son not stepping up.

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Grandparents have rights too… look it up. If the dad doesn’t want to be a part you still can.

Your adult child has no obligation to have a relationship with you. All I’m reading is “my and I” statements. Your priority is you. Maybe some self reflection is in order.

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Paternity test, if baby is your sons take her to court for visitation. Sounds fishy to me.

Maybe the child isn’t even his…
That’s a possibility…
And why she’s not allowing you access…
She doesn’t want to own up to it…

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This makes me really sad because I would absolutely love to have someone like you. If your son is not willing to fight for his time and if she’s not willing to be mature enough to include you and unfortunately may be a lost cause.

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Never give up!! I’m going through the same thing

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Grandparents have rights too so you can take her to court, she sounds a little unreasonable with making appointments like it’s a visit with your grandchild not a doctors appointment

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How young is the baby? Any health problems? She may want time alone to bond with a newborn, keep people away until baby’s immune system is stronger, or just be too exhausted to entertain you.

Also, of course you need an appointment! You can’t just barge in while they are napping/resting.

Back off and give her some space, offer to take her other kids out so she can get a break.

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So basically you are saying you are gonna forget about your grandchild because his mom has set boundaries that you can’t respect? You are upset because you have to make plans with her and not just show up whenever you feel like? Wow… Sounds like she asked you to stop showing up unannounced and to call and make plans first instead and you are throwing a fit. Get help. Thats not healthy.

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Just see the kid when she wants people to see him. Give them space damn.

Don’t give up! File for grandparents rights. You can take her to court that way she doesn’t have a say. Stay strong and do what it takes!

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No. But don’t make yourself then enemy…as unfair as it is. If the only way you can be in your grandsons life right now is to take it, then take it. You may be his only light. And…we all know women like this move on from the man they are with, and then you two can team up.

I fully understand where your at
.i have the same.problem…Im about ready to walk away

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Why do you feel it’s unreasonable for someone to request plans be made rather than random visitors showing up? Why was it necessary to add how many baby daddy’s she has? I don’t think we are hearing the whole story

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Why would u stop by without asking? We have 5 adult kids and 5 grandkids. I would never think I could stop by without asking in advance.

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I don’t like when people show up unannounced so I understand the “appointments.”

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In what world do people not have to check with ppl before visiting their home ? Ie “setting up an appt”

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You should spend more time helping your son understand he is a father.

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For the ones saying grandparent rights it depends on where you live… I have already checked into this due to one of my child’s grandparent being toxic… and there is only 3 reasons why the courts here where I live would grant the rights and two involve me being dead… and I can’t remember the other but it wasn’t really a leg to stand on if I’m still alive and able…. So not everywhere gives a crap about grandparent rights…

And as far as the poster, I would just keep trying and also include the other kids if you are not all ready … or try to have a sit down with her and have her explain her reason… if she isn’t letting you see him she has a reason that maybe y’all can talk out and work out

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Might want to look at your feelings for her and see if you have in any way given her a reason to know you don’t like her? She’s not going to want you in her child’s life if you’re undermining her

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Depends on the state but I’m some states grandparents have rights too. It’s a damn shame she doesn’t allow you to have a relationship with your grandson. I would love for my son to have another gramma that loves him and wants to spend time with him. That babies gonna miss out on a lot because of her own petty “rules”

Her house, her kid her rules sorry. Maybe just text her to ask for an update every once in a while or ask to video chat with him and keep sending stuff for the baby but it’s her house and her child so you dont have any say. All you can do is try

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By appoitment do you mean you have to call before you show up? I mean just randomly showing up at someone’s house unannounced is kinda rude. Not to mention she is dealing with other children on top of a premie. I was always taught to call and make sure the people are up for company before visiting. I can’t speak for the gift part of it but I understand her asking for a specific time frame in which you’d be visiting.

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Even if your son wasn’t ready for this step it still happened n he needs to step up and get involved and get some rights, so you can be involved, sounds to me like she’s taking it out on you bc your son isn’t involved! Which is petty!

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File for grandparents rights.

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I Feel like there’s more to the story. It’s her baby at the end of the day and she’s allowed to put boundaries! Like you said the baby was born early so maybe the baby has some health issues and due to COVID she doesn’t want to risk her baby getting sick.

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I don’t think she’s being unreasonable about you needing to ask to stop by, no one likes unexpected unannounced company especially a mother of multiple. & her house her rules, Uh duh! That’s how it should be. Just because you’re the grandma doesn’t give you the right to overstep any boundaries or rules she has set for her child.

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Been through this. Better to thank things you can not change. I pretty much have accepted I dont have any. It gets better. You accept it more as time goes on

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I would honestly let it go. My own daughter and i were kinda here i told her i wont play the game. I love them but when women are in super control mode they are lacking confidence.

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Be her friend. You catch more flies with honey. She has set boundaries. Don’t get mad or throw a fit when things don’t go your way. She will bring to trust you more. But as a mom, you should help your son step up to. I get wanting to be thanked but, your the grandma. I do things for my nieces & nephew all the time and I don’t even know if anyone says thank you. It’s family.

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It IS her house, AND her rules…make the appointment, it’s your grandchild for Petes sake, NEVER give up on him!!

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Write her a letter letting her know how you feel! She may not even know what it’s like to have people willing to help her or wanting to be present. She may be embarrassed, or ashamed of how things happened and is not intentionally trying to hurt u but protect her kids. Hope this help, wish u all the luck :heart:

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Be the grandma you always want to be. If the kids will grow up seeing you there, she/he will value you.

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How hard is it to call and make plans rather than just show up? I hate unexpected company and refuse to open the door (depending on who it is obviously) but even if it’s someone important, it’ll be a very short visit … I have a feeling you’re either a monster in law and wants everything your way or you’re trying to control how they raise THEIR child. Go with the flow. Ask her when is good for her and stop interfering with their parenting if that’s the issue.

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Lol well here in Alabama grandparents don’t have rights, but why not respect her? Keep reaching out, keep trying to communicate with her about seeing the baby, I understand because I was also like this and if me and my husband decide to have another in this covid nasty world we will do the same, it’s boundaries. Why can’t you try to keep reaching out or making plans? She may be busy? This hits home for me because my grandparents haven’t reached out to me and my kids since Christmas of last year when I texted them thank you for the gifts… why should I have to keep trying if they can’t try??? Or I even invited them to my sons second birthday party and they and my aunt and uncle didn’t show up. Sooooooooo ??? If you want a relationship with the child why can you not try? Why does it always have to be the mom? Your son doesn’t think it’s his? Take him and get a paternity test.

If your son wasn’t ready for this step or to be a father he too should’ve wore protection. Maybe this isn’t even your sons child. I would take a step back altogether and if you believe this is your sons child, file for grandparent rights. Sounds like your son really needs to step up and be a MAN and not a BOY!

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Her kid her rules. You are not entitled to their child.

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Are you sure the baby is his? Since multiple boyfriends and all. If you know 100% it is your son’s why not make him grow up and step up to be a father. I’m upset that you are allowing your son to not be in the babies life at least from what I have read which I could have read it wrong. I wouldn’t want my mom to randomly stop by without letting me know in advance. Just send things to her so if she doesn’t care then hopefully the baby will eventually know that he/she knows someone else loves them

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Most states allow grandparent rights. If she is beyond reasonable and you’re truly making positive, healthy attempts then use legal recourse.

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Ummm No don’t give up! That’s ur grand baby! We are going thur something similar. Stay in prayer.

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She’s lying it’s probably not your sons child & that’s why your son don’t try & she don’t want you to get your feelings hurt so she rude ?? Or she’s a straight bitch😜

I went through this, it’s best to step back. Mother’s now days hold the baby/children hostage. I have seen and read about this so many times. It’s their terms, their child, their territory. Don’t grovel, fuss or fight. Sadly you have no rights.

Well. I have to say making an appointment should be completely normal with a new baby and other kids in the house. Can’t just be showing up any old time you feel like when there are nap schedules, feeding schedules, etc. I know I would have hated it had people just dropped in whenever, disrupting my kids schedules and our routines. That said, give her space. Send small gifts for holidays, maybe a card or text here and there but don’t bombard the woman. She’s probably feeling really overwhelmed and your entitlement to her child probably exacerbates it all.

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God forbid they want some privacy and to raise their own children. My MIL is like you, thinking it’s out of line to have some boundaries. Reanalyze yourself grandma, you had your chance to raise kids.

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You don’t get to STOP being a Grandma cuz you don’t like the Mother’s rules,what kind of person are you anyways? Makes me think there are more issues with you and your son that you are not willing to admit .

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Never pretend people don’t exist. Especially children.

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Making an appointment is completely normal. Why do you think you should stop by whenever you please? You sound like a terrible mother in law. Stop coddling your son.

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Some states have grandparents rights. Don’t stop, send cards, notes presents, just make it overwhelmingly hard for her to see you as a bad guy.

But no, don’t quit.

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your “title” doesn’t make you entitled.
I don’t let anyone just “drop” by my house either. My mom or my MIL, sorry but we have our own lives, etc. especially if it’s during nap time or around, my sanity is more important than your visit.
You make this relationship worse by disrespecting her boundaries/choices that she has set for her child.

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My own son, my son, the girlfriend, the grandson, the girlfriends son. You sure do make sure to distinctly distance yourself even though text. Sounds sad.

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You don’t give up making appts with mom and respecting her.

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In Canada you can ask court for grandparents rights and get visitation

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Children can never have enough people there for them, to love them. So no, I would not give up. What are the reasons your son isn’t involved? Would those reasons make her uneasy about having you involved? I’d start with scheduling times to see him, get to know him and his mom. Because maybe getting to know her also, might help you understand why she had reservations towards you.

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I’m sorry, it’s sounds very hard. Is there a reason why she isn’t so open to having you over? I do not allow anyone to drop by unannounced. Just because I’m a stay at home mom, doesn’t mean I’m open to social visits, I have a routine with the kids and a house to run. We save visitors for the weekends and that’s planned ahead of time. I was taught to never drop by unannounced

Some states have grandparents rights kind of hard to get them but I would try to file with the courts for grandparents rights

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I say you should be able to visit him…he’s just as much your grandchild!!!:cry::cry::cry::pray::blue_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart::hushed::hushed::hushed:

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Grandparent rights. Take her to court for visitations

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Unfortunately there’s not much you can do other than what you’ve already done. In most states grandparents rights do not exist. He is they’re child and what they say goes. If they have set boundaries you must respect them. How would you feel if your parents did not respect your wishes in regards to your child?

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Why not extend the olive branch and tell her you’re sorry for your sons behavior but you very much want to be a part of her child’s life and hers and that you are there for her as well as the baby. Invite her out to lunch in a neutral setting or some thing. She may decline at first but if you keep trying, she may find that you are actually sincere and let her walls down. Sorry to say, but your son created this mess. It’s on you to pave your own way

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For starters, you are not entitled to their child by any means. Beyond that, it is her baby and her right to set boundaries where she sees fit. If you can’t respect those boundaries then sounds to me like she has a valid reason to be setting them in the first place. Your entire post sounds completely self centered, narcissistic, and straight up toxic. This is a baby born early in the midst of a covid spike and in addition to all other potential viruses or illnesses they could pick up, and not be able to fight off as easily as you with their tiny underdeveloped immune system. She’s protecting her baby by not wanting to expose her baby to people just yet. She doesn’t owe you a thing and you need to take a step back and evaluate how you’re acting. It’s not about you. She’s a mom of multiple children with a newborn at home. I have been in those shoes and completely understand not wanting visitors, ESPECIALLY unannounced. She’s likely exhausted, and in no mood to be entertaining guests while balancing multiple children’s schedules and routines all while trying to form a schedule and a bond with her newborn. Give her space, respect the boundaries set, and stop making it about yourself.

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Arranging visits is normal. No one wants people just turning up when they feel like it. You aren’t entitled to do as you want with someone else’s kid

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Never give up but saying how many baby daddies she has isn’t right and judging her off that will upset her, you have no idea what problems her and your son have had and how much hell your son has out her through.

I’m a single mom of 4, my oldest 2 kids dad cheated and left me pregnant but luckily his mom has been supportive kinda, my son’s dad’s family hasn’t even tried to see him but his dad buys him what’s needed and he cheated, my youngest dad completely bailed because his momma doesn’t want him to grow up.

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I say there is two sides to every story, then there the truth… But you can’t treat her kids, like “her kids”
Those should be your grandchildren just as much as the new baby. I would be very upset if my children were treated any different. I feel everyone should have a chance to be family… but not when there’s distancing on one part is from what I’ve gathered.

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Encourage Your Son to take responsibility for His Son, establish paternity and file for coparent visitation. When He steps up you’ll be able to see your Grandson and maybe BM will be more cooperative.

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No- that is the worst thing you can do. You fight for that grand baby. You fight for time.

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“I have to make an appointment “ yeah that’s something called being respectful. My family isn’t allowed to just pull up to my house to visit my kids, they have to ask me when it’s ok for them to come.

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Always put in the effort to try to see your grandson. It’s mom’s way or no way at all. I know the feeling of not seeing your grandkids. Hugs for you

No you don’t give up. But you have to accept that you have limitations to deal with.

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Never give up on your grand baby.
My own mother knows she’s welcome to see me or her grandson ANYTIME, and she has seen him maybe a handful of times, and she never calls or texts to simply check on either of us.
My son is almost 2. It breaks my heart alootttt knowing I won’t have that bond of having my mom there with me and seeing her grand baby grow up like most women do.
That is her baby, so I would suggest trying to schedule a time to see your gbaby that makes everyone comfortable. If she’s just being uncooperative for no reason then you could always see if your state has the grandparents right law. Don’t give up on him either way! It may be hard right now, but all children grow up and become adults. He will be able to see the truth, make his own choices, and be his own person in no time. Just be healthy and good luck!!

My kids need a grandma, come on over. There’s don’t even try to see them so I think your son and daughter in law are lucky to be offered help. Time is more important than gifts.

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First of all just stopping by someone’s house is rude asf. Yes it makes sense that you have to make plans to see him ahead of time. Seems like you have issues with boundries and that’s why you don’t see him. Plus, if he’s an infant you can’t be upset that she’s keeping him away from the public rn

Never give up! If nothing else when you can’t see him or her at least send cards birthday cards Christmas Easter whatever holiday it is send a card keep records of it send gifts but don’t give up because that’s what she wants as long as you keep trying at some point you will get to see your grandchild. I cannot imagine not being able to see one of my grandchildren I would never give up. At some point he will be old enough to reach out to you on his own And he will know that you never gave up

No you don’t give up being a grandparent. Making an appointment/arranging a time to see your grandchild is completely normal. Randomly showing up at someone’s place is extremely rude, regardless if it’s your grandchild or not. The mom may already have plans, you could be interrupting nap time/feeding time, or simply she just isn’t ready for company. I also completely agree with not being able to see him right away if he was premature. They are so tiny and have no immune system what so ever. With the pandemic going on it is not unreasonable at all to ask for company to wait awhile so the child doesn’t get sick. I understand that’s hard on you and not what you pictured for when you became a grandparent but that’s okay. Your allowed to be upset about it but that doesn’t mean you stop being his grandparents

People are being quite harsh… sorry you are going through this. It’s a scenario I’m petrified of as a mom of only boys. Keep trying. Don’t stop trying. Be kind/respectful to the mom and never stop trying.

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Depending on your state, their may be grandparent laws

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If you truly want a relationship with your grandchild then show respect to his/her mother & make that appt. You may end up in time, having a special bond with her. Pray!

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I think you need to pour your heart out and see where that gets you. Tell her that just like her you are extremely disappointed in your son for not wanting to be there for his first child…BUT unlike your son you want to be there for her and the baby. Neither you or her can control him and force him to be a responsible adult…but that you are there for her and your grand baby.

Who knows what he’s said to her regarding you being around??

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By the way my daughter went as far to taking me to court. The judge said it’s her decision if she wants me to see them. What she says go

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Gawd some self opinionated rants here, if this is some people’s idea of support its no wonder people keep themselves to themselves…if you can’t be diplomatic or kind keep your support to yourselves.:roll_eyes::roll_eyes::roll_eyes:

Offer free babysitting while she goes to Dr’s and appointments/ errands. Don’t ever just stop by that is not anything a grandparent should do.

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