My daughter is 10 almost 11 yrs old her dad has been in and out of her life a year ago i got full legal custody and share physical custody but the judge wasn’t happy at all with him since he doesn’t put a lot of effort in to seeing her and he doesn’t care much about her if she gets an award at school has a special event he says he will be there to her but never shows up and he is always late to pick her up, sometimes lying about him being sick and can’t pick her up and then we find out by mutual friends he was out partying… so my daughter was crying the other day saying that he doesn’t want to go with him anymore and that he always makes her get ready and never showes up and she is tiered of his lyes also i have a husband he has been with us since she was 2 so she says she would like for him to adopt her instead and she compares both a lot cause my husband will miss hours of work to go see her when she has an especial event at school…should i go back to court or should i make her go to her dads.
Feels like you know what to do.
No you schouldnt make her .and yes let him adopt her
No. Do not ever make her go.
I wouldnt make her go.
The man raising her is her dad. Im sorry but the other seems like a sperm donor so I give him the title of father. There is a difference between a dad and a father. It sounds to me like your current husband is her dad. I personally wouldn’t make my child go see their father if they didn’t want to. In fact I didn’t. I have a 5yr old that his father was the same way as your child’s father. At about 3 my son started saying he didnt want to go to his “dads” so we stopped making him. It was his choice. His father has not seen him in almost 2 yrs now. Itll be 2 yrs in Jan. He lives literally 10 minutes away…
Go back to court, listen to your daughter. I have a parenting plan with my daughters dad, but if she doesn’t want to go, I don’t make her and I let him know why, if he has a problem with it, I tell him then let’s go to court.
That really depends on visitation orders. You also need to go back to court and let the judge know what your daughter wants! Let her tell the judge. Document visits, no shows, lies etc.
Until you get a new court ordered parenting plan that doesn’t have scheduled visit time with dad, you will have to have her go to her visits. If you don’t send her, you can be considered in contempt of court and can get in trouble. It sucks, but you’ll have to keep sending her until a new court order is in place.
I wouldn’t make her, she understands what he’s doing and it’s hurting her so I’d let her make that decision.
Document everything and take him back to court… If she doesn’t want to go then don’t let her but make sure you let the courts know … Here in NY the children usually get their own lawyer to represent them so their needs and wants can be heard… You’re daughter is old enough to know exactly what she wants… Show all the proof of what you have and start the legal process. Wish you well 
It sounds like she has already chosen her real dad and she shouldn’t be forced to have a bond with someone who is emotionally toxic to her.
This hits home for me. I have a 12 year old son. When he was little, his “dad” (my ex-husband) would pick him up from daycare a few times a week, get him every other weekend and not only pay child support but would help out with extra stuff. He disappeared when my son was about 5. He has seen my son in passing, since his two youngest kids and my son went to school together. My son would ask to call him, call and get no answer or he would say he would come get him on his day off. He would never show. I never bad mouthed my ex to my son. As my son got older, he figured it out on his own. We are now in the process of having my husband adopt my son. My son wants his last name changed and everything. My ex, who has had nothing to do with this kid for years, all to willingly met my husband and my self and signed papers to terminate his rights. I look at it this way, I’m a mother. I don’t get to bail on my kids. I don’t get to not spend the weekend with my kids because I’m sick. A parents job is NEVER done and there are NEVER excuses. Your daughter is old enough to know what’s going on and who and how he is… your priority is your daughter. Not your ex. I’d be heading into court. Not sure what state you’re in, but she should be old enough to speak to the judge.
I’m a fan of “in or out, you choose.”
Meaning, you can choose to be available to this child anytime she needs or wants you or you can choose to fuck off, has zero to do with me.
Here and there or in and out is not a choice I will provide, end of discussion.
She is 13, I did everything I could to encourage a choice of participation, I do not explain anyone’s choices.
I did attempt to allow a change of choice which led to further abandonment, but I feel the way I explain choice helped.
All you are is the choice you make and only you know why that’s your choice, you cannot allow other’s choices to dictate your feelings, it’s okay to feel hurt or sad or angry or nothing, it’s okay to let it go 
Court. She’s obviously old enough to know what the deal is and who her real father is.
You should be able to have your daughter talk to the judge one on one.
(Now going off my state) Until the child is 13 u have to make the child go unless u got back to court and have it changed.
Go back to court. She is old enough to talk to a judge and lawyer and explain that she doesn’t want to go to her Dads and why she doesn’t want too. Ask the judge to give your daughter the option that she wants.
Courts usually say u should encourage a child to go but u don’t have to make them go if they refuse! But u should encourage it! At least where I’m from that’s what they have said here!
Until there’s a order saying she doesn’t have to go or she reaches the age where she can testify on her behalf (I know here in CA it’s 13 - and yes, I did it myself back at that age so I could live with my dad), you still have to send her unless you want to be arrested for contempt of court. You have to follow the order until it’s modified. I’ve been there. I didn’t want to go visit my mom on the weekends when my dad got custody of me at 13, but I had to still go until I reached 17.5 (I graduated high school before my 18th birthday, so my mom just let it go then).
Her feelings and opinions at this age especially are completely valid and should be used in court. He’s had almost 11 years to get his shit together, I would not even consider forcing her to go. If she changes her mind and wants to open back up communication with him then great, but after he screwed around with her heart for so long I don’t think it’s right that you would force that to continue.
I wouldnt make her go. And if he wants her to then he can pay for court. He has lied to her enough and stood her up enough.
I say absolutely not. She is old enough to make that decision and he sounds like a piece of crap. It’s not fair to her and it sounds like constant disappointment 
I’m sorry you are going through this, love
I wouldnt make her go. If he says something about it then go back to court and let her tell the judge what she wants and how she feels about the whole thing. if he really wants to see her or spend time with her then he would .
“make” her?! No! She’s old enough to make her own decisions regarding her father!
She’s not old enough in the Court’s eyes unfortunately. I say, give him enough rope to hang himself. Step back and don’t put in effort to inviting him to her school events etc. Don’t tell your daughter it’s his weekend/visit. Just carry on as if you were your own parent time and if he does by some small chance show up, then great! If he doesn’t show, then there’s not a heartbroken little girl and DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT!!! Get a calendar, write down every visitation, call, event he has missed up to this point and moving forward. I’m sure he’ll fade to nonexistence and once the time has passed based on your state statute, that’s when you pounce and petition the court for his relinquishment and step parent adoption.
Not sure about laws but I’d think she’s old enough to choose. He’s not holding up his end. I hear you you keep good track of all the times he’s late or cancels. They take that into consideration. Then not write him off. Maybe allow him to make plans with her when she’s not busy and not tell her until he arrives. You seem like you gave him many chances and only are looking at the best interest of your daughter
I wouldn’t make her go. And I bet he won’t even care. It suck that parents out there act like this.
Court…been there doin it now…
If he has court mandated time with her, you (unfortunately) cannot go against it without being in contempt of court. Don’t put yourself in that position, it could come back to bite you later if her father decides he wants her back. Go to court and plead your case. Let them know how it’s affecting her. Given her age, they might let her speak for herself. Prayers.
I would go back to court. She is old enough now to voice her opion and let her talk up in court as well. Let her tell the judge how she feels and how her dad not being there feels and let her voice that she wants your husband to adopt her because hes been more of a father then her sperm donor ever has. Where I live at age 12 a child can pick and choose if they want to go to the other parents house or not.
Go back to court. Not sending her would make you in contempt, but it’s not your fault if he doesn’t pick her up. You can let them know how its affecting her and if he’s not paying child support, you could possibly move to have his parents rights removed.
You have full custody and shes old enough to decide who she does and doesnt want in her life. If she wants to cut out someone who isnt putting in the effort for her then let her. This will also teach her to do that socially when people treat her poorly!
I never forced my kids to visit with their father. I always gave them the option, but told them they had to explain to him that he let them down, and I would back them up. When he took me back to court, we had all of the dates and times he had stood them up written down, and documented, as well as the times they stood up to him and why. The judge listened to their side, and respected their wishes. I hope you are as fortunate to have a judge that
Take him back to court.
Document everything.
Get witnesses to go to court, the more, the better. Family, friends, school social worker. Put the child in counseling, she needs it, and have her counselor go as well.
Have all your i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
Have your husband speak in adopting her.
Bring it all to the court, even if it’s been said before.
And let her speak on her own behalf.
It’s wearing on her to keep playing her dad’s games, she doesn’t need that negativity! Prayers for your little girl!!
My daughter doesnt see her father to. He said he does not want to see her sinds i broke it of because he did not want to work and didnt pay anything. I paid everything! Still do! And one day i hope to meet someone that wil do everything for her like a real father! So dont make her! Just.go back to court!
Listen to your daughter, she’s telling you she feels more loved my her step dad and would like him to adopt her. Go to court to stop visitations, talk with your husband about the adoption option’s.
Think about her feelings and what she has expressed to you that she wants-It’s her decision so I’d support her choice as it sounds like she has good reason in feeling this way from what your post says. Look into revising your agreement and/or if you have communication with her dad maybe let him know how she feels (and hopefully he won’t fight what your daughter wants). If he really cares about his daughter he’ll try to make things right with her and if not it’s really his loss at the end of the day.
I wouldn’t force her to go. She will resent you for that! Let her voice her opinion, she’s old enough to know what she wants. Don’t break her heart thinking that you’re doing “what’s best”
I think it’s fantastic that she wants your significant other to adopt her as he seems much more supportive/loving towards her. Blood doesn’t make you family. Love, support and commitment does.
I went through this with my son, until you have full custody and have pulled all his rights legally, he has all the rights to see her!
As a parent, I made my son go up until he started driving, I would take him and pick him up if I had to…
My thought, I don’t want any doubt in their minds as to if everything was done to foster that relationship, and if I can help them with being loved by one more person, why not?!
My husband adopted him and I still had him see bio dad. I would never have my child get ready until he showed up, as I wouldn’t want them to be hurt, didn’t want them to witness the let down, I handled that…and it was okay!
I think sometimes it’s okay to help and give grace…this doesn’t mean they are hurt in any way and if the father isn’t a good father when there I would file immediately, but at 18, I have seen kids go to that other parent and feel like the mother kept them away and it brings more issues between them!
I would not make her go. I was around that age when I decided to stop seeing my father for reasons and my mom never forced me to go. She is old enough to understand somethings and there is always time for both of them to reconnect later in life if either wants to.
I wouldn’t force her to but I would encourage her to go. Relationships grow and that includes between a parent and child. If he is expressing an interest in seeing her that’s great! Just remember it’s about your daughter, not you or your ex. If you don’t support and encourage a relationship with her father, she may come to resent you.
He may disappoint her at times but she will get to decide how she feels about him as she becomes an adult.
I always encouraged my kids to spend time with their dad, even at times in their lives when they didn’t want to. And guess what? He has become an amazing father and my kids are blessed to have their “OWN” relationship with him. My kids are all now in their 30’s and are happy well rounded adults who have been supported, loved and shaped by their amazing dad! Yes, my ex and I’m proud of the great dad he is!
My son’s 11. His father has been in and out of his life for 11 years, don’t pay child support, no involvement in school, sports, or anything else he does, I’ve decided if my son don’t wanna see his father… he don’t. No questions asked.
I say talk to the courts its doing your child more harm than good
I’m going through a similar situation with my daughter (she’s 4)
Go back to court! Im adopting my husbands son this month! His mother decided to tell him at 4 years old she was on meth… great mother i know… if she prefers your husband as her dad i would respect her wishes. My step son is the same age as your daughter and they are old enough to choose. My dad was the same as your childs to me when i was little. Still hurts me to this day
I would do the court just to make sure your bases are covered and have all his rights taken away so your SO can adopt her like she wants and make it a surprise for her she will love it. She is old enough to express how she feels and should be able to stay home if she would like
Definitely wouldn’t force my child to see her dad. I’d let her make up her own mind about him and whether she wants to keep contact
She’s old enough to make her own mind up, go back to court and explain the situation and that she’s had enough of being let down xxx
Do what’s best for her. Shes expressing she doesn’t want to go, I personally wouldn’t make her.
As long as the courts don’t make you and she doesn’t want to go don’t make her my daughter is 24 and never seen her father cause he wants nothing g to do with her
Do not make her go to her dads. Get a hold of your lawyer asap and have her get a talk with the judge and explain to him exactly how she feels. Some fathers get away with fucking murder. The ones who do not deserve the title father!!!. Im sorry your daughter has to deal with that. The best part is that she has a great father in your husband. Goood luck
She already knows what her father is like and has made her choice. Go back to court and don’t make her go
Don’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do when it comes to her donor. When she’s older and realised how much of a loser he really is she’ll get why you let her make the choice. In the end he’ll be the one that’s full of regret and missed out on soooooo much. Then tell the judge how she feels if it goes back to court. Get her to put her feelings on paper if it does go that far. Good luck.
You can see if he’s willing to sign over his rights and have your husband adopt her.
Don’t force her to go. Put yourself in her shoes, would you like it? Go back to court and have her tell them. Forcing her to go will only cause more problems.
She don’t want to go don’t MAKE her
Go back to court. Your child o ows how she feels. Trust her judgment
Yes 100 percent take he’s dum ass back to court he’s hurting her that’s not ok
She is old enough to decide if she wants to see him
Go back to court, do what’s best for her, she sees your husband as her dad already, she deserves a dad like him… Poor baby, I hope she finds some comfort with her family, having parents bail on you sucks…
No she is old enough to say. Yes or no
My mother forced me per court order to visit my father who is very similar and here’s my advice. Go back to court she already sees exactly who he is that man is not going to change and continue to hurt her he’s made his choice she’s made hers now plead it to the judge and hopefully she won’t have to visit him if she doesn’t want to ever again you don’t want to be in contempt of court that’s just covering your butt
Depends on your state laws
Listen to your daughter. Shes the number one person involved in this
I have probably a stupid question but what’s the difference between full custody and shared physical? I’m going threw this now and learning as I don’t have a lawyer.
Go back to court. She dosnt want to be let down anymore. Be her voice!!!
There are reasons 11-12 year olds aren’t allowed to drive. Because they aren’t logical and capable of handling major responsibility. Whether the daughter wants to or not is irrelevant if dad has rights. Make her go, be kind, and she’ll continue to see what kind of person he is.
Big difference between a father and a dad. If you study on this a little while you’ll know what to do.