I just found out my 14 year old was pregnant… she wants an abortion and I am here to support that decision. I feel like I failed as a mother because I didn’t even know she was sexually active… she came to me in tears when she found out and I’m so happy she did but she doesn’t want me to tell her dad (he’s currently deployed and will be for the next several months) and idk what to do about this situation. Should I respect her decision and not tell her dad or does he need to know?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I tell my husband our daughters is pregnant even thought she asked me not too?
If her father is deployed you absolutely do not tell him something like that until after he returns. When a deployed soldier’s mind is not clear and focused it not only endangers them but every other soldier that is with them.
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As hard as that would be to keep away from your significant other. I would give her a time frame of when she had to tell him or tell him yourself. That way she comes to terms with it. She’s 14, it’s his business as well. However I would give her some time and let her choose when to tell him within your time frame.
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Do not break her trust or she will never trust you but encourage her to tell him. It’s not the end of the world. It will be okay
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Think about it like this how would you feel if the role was reversed and you found out  your husband kept it from you. He definitely has a right to know its his right as her father.
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100 percent YOU KEEP HER TRUST. She will stop coming to you IF YOU DONT, Go get the abortion then Talk to her about the importance of sharing it with your husband she will come around when the weight hss been lifted. Do NOT tell him B4. YOU DONT OWN your child, she made a decision about her body it’s her decision to tell dad.
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I agree with the above comments. Regardless he needs to know. It’s unfair to be expected to keep a secret like that from your spouse. That’s opening a door to some major trust issues between you two in the future. Give her a time frame to tell her dad herself or ask her if she’d be more comfortable doing it together. Either way make it clear her dad needs to know too.
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If roles were reversed?
Let her do as she wishes. But explain that your husband, her father, has a right to know. For yalls relationship and for theirs. Eventually that tough conversation needs to be had.
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That’s her dad. He needs to know what’s going on with her and have a calm father daughter talk as well. An abortion is a medical procedure that can have some risks, as with all medical procedures and god forbid she gets an infection he is going to wonder why. He should know. Letting her see a United front on this issue is best. She did adult actions, dealing with adult decisions then she should be adult enough to face the music with dad as well.
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He is her parent! He has the right to know as much as you do.
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You think you failed because she is pregnant but I say this is a parenting win …look man. She came to you…she did, she needed help and came to her mom…that alone my friend is worth the weight in parenting gold as for the dad, tell him in secret if you’re certain he won’t confront her, if there is a chance sorry dad you don’t get to know
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I got pregnant at 15 and I went to my mom also and told her I was pregnant and wanted an abortion and I didn’t want my dad to know. She didn’t tell my dad and I did have a abortion and honestly if she would have told my dad I wouldn’t have went to her for anything again. I’m 40 now and my dad never did find out.
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I wouldn’t tell him. She’s ashamed and doesn’t want to hurt him, especially while deployed. Give her this one chance.
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If she asked you not to tell him, especially with tears in her eyes. It’s not something I’d recommend doing. That’s breaking trust, and something she came to YOU about. You’d know best how dad would react, and if you think he’d react in a violent/negative way… it’s best not to tell him. She probably already feels ashamed of herself, and she most likely doesn’t want to feel like a disappointment to her dad. If anything I would ask her to tell her father on her own time when he’s home from deployment. It’s one of those things that either should be kept between you two, or shared on her circumstances.
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People this is a baby not just something you just do away with. Yes she only 14 adoption would be my answer. I don’t care what you have to say but it’s a life.
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What if something happened to her during the procedure? I would feel awful if husband didn’t know. Plus, I couldn’t keep a secret from my husband.
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She should be allowed to make choice and have support. But should still inform because eventually the truth always comes out and betrayal can end relationships.
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I’d be afraid to tell him being the only one responsible for her while he’s gone but he needs to be aware… it’s his child too. I’m sure she doesn’t want him to know but… she made the choice that landed her here and it isn’t fair for YOU to withhold the info from her dad. That’s a huge secret to tote around for the rest of your lives. I wouldn’t feel right not involving him.
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What if she told her dad she was pregnant and he kept it from you? What would that do to your trust as husband and wife? My husband kept something that big from me about my own kids & I would 100% start looking at him differently. We brought this baby into this world together, we should parent her together.
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First of all…kudos for being someone she felt she could trust in this situation. That speaks well to your relationship with her.
Secondly…I wouldn’t tell him. You’d be breaking her trust, but it also would only cause more harm and no real good. He’s not in the position to do anything about it except stew, and that could damage every relationship involved (including yours with him).
Also, get her in birth control as soon as possible.
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Her Father needs to be told. Before an abortion.
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Respect her. You are her safe adult in this situation. Be proud that she came to you. Support her. Let this decision be between her and a doctor. You just need to support her. Also you haven’t failed as a mom. Kids mess up and parents don’t always know again be proud that she came to you and didn’t go somewhere that isn’t safe.
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This is a thought one but I believe it should be her decision, although it is a significant thing and I’m sure he would want to know. I fear that if he did know that would have affect in her decision to abort
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This is a very difficult situation. Which ever choice you make, you may feel like you have betrayed the other person. Maybe you should discuss it more with your daughter and try to help her understand that you don’t want to betray either persons trust.
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Respect her when she is ready she will tell him.
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You tell him, She will never come to you again.
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Completely respect your daughter’s decision. She came to you with faith of you being by her side. Don’t let her down. She trust you…
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Respect her privacy but encourage her to come clean. She came to you for help but you don’t want to close that door forever by betraying her trust.
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It’s a human life . Adoption is the right option.
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Keep in mind not all parents would be supportive is her father the supportive type or not cuz some father would make her keep the child against her will or have an abortion she didn’t want which isn’t the case her she wants an abortion but the last thing she needs right now is to be shamed for what happened she needs to be supported
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I think any medical procedure he should know and I think it’s important that you stress to your daughter that she should be able to trust him with this information. Also you should let her know that if he acts a fool about it that you will have her back. You shouldn’t encourage keeping important secrets from someone you are supposed to love and care about. Now if he’s a complete douche and not understanding then that may be a little different. But whatever you do, it does need to be her choice 100%. Just encourage her to do the right thing herself.
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No DONT break her trust or she will never come to you again. It took a lot for her to come to you in the first place dont make her regret that decision. This is a lot for a 14yr old to deal with. Im sure shes scared embarrassed and ashamed she dont need the extra stress of worrying about disappointing her dad or feeling like hes ashamed of her.
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I personally don’t hold secrets when it comes to our kids. They are only 10 and 6. I would wait tell his is home and tell him because he has a right to know but I would tell him his only reaction to her has to be positive that way she feels comfortable coming to you guys with something else.
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No don’t tell him! You want her to come to you again then you keep this between you to. Eventually she will talk to her dad and they will discuss it be thankful she came to some girls don’t and they end up in bad situations 
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Think about how u would feel if he kept that from you
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I don’t think you failed aa a mom at all. Parenting isn’t easy. Take a lot into consideration she came to you. That shows a great relationship. You should give her a time to tell Jim, whether she writes a letter or tells him when he gets home. He has the right to know as her parent. I’m sure it will be hard, but definitely right thing. I would also talk to her about the abortion it’s her right to choose and do what she wants but just make sure she clearly understands.
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With him being deployed, he carry’s insurance, right? If she’s on his insurance, and needs prenatal or specific care, he will potentially find out.
Maybe you can talk with him and tell him that she wants him not to know, but you want him to know, (if you do.) I mean this nicely, but she’s a minor and as the parent, you can be supportive but you can also give it to her straight to let her know you understand her wishes, but this is more than that. I would stress your gratitude she told you and was comfortable enough to tell you, but maybe it’s a talk you three could have together because she may suffer long term from this emotionally and her dad and you can fully both support her if there is transparency…?
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Tough decision to make. I had an abusive father so my mom kept him out of everything but as a Mother myself to two grown daughters we always spoke about important stuff as a family when time was right. Maybe she can write him a letter so she knows she told him before getting an abortion
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Don’t betray her trust ! You need to talk her into talking her dad with you present .if she chooses not to , then respect it.
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I would respect it. If he’s overseas that’s probably part of why she doesn’t want gome to know. But she’s trusting you to be her support. Also it doesn’t mean you failed as a mother. She came to you amd was honest and knew her options.
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I think at 14 you should prep her to all sit down and have a conversation. If your husband gets upset with you for not telling him instantly that’s a private discussion y’all can have. But I think her knowing her options and telling dad what the plan is, is also a good idea. If she wants an abortion ok, but dad should be notified before she does it. Regardless that’s still his daughter too❤️ BUT she needs to be the one to te him.
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Right now you get her the medical care she requires and the mental health help she’s needs. This is a big deal for and she needs a safe space to process all of her feelings regarding being pregnant and then making the decision to end the pregnancy. Personally I think she should also work on being honest with her parents in therapy too but I wouldn’t tell dad until he’s back. Were a military family and he needs to be focused on his job. And there’s not much that he can do except freak out. Also I’d make sure she gets a full check up and STD panel. And she wouldn’t have as much freedom as she had before.
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I also want to point out that at her age she most likely can’t consent to sexual activity and this may be a police case depending upon who she’s been active with. I think it’s incredibly important as well to make sure your daughter hasn’t been preyed upon and if she has to protect her and others by contacting authorities.
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I think if youre asking this, you already know the answer and arent comfortable telling your daughter no. In my opinion, this is too big to hide from your spouse. If you dont tell him and he finds out later on down the road what y’all are about to do behind his back, what do you think that’ll do and mean for your relationship and marriage? You’re about to spite your relationship with your spouse to simply save face with your daughter? Put yourself in what his shoes are. Would you be ok with being the spouse that didnt know and didnt find out until months or years later? I can tell you, I sure wouldn’t. He very well could resent you and probably not trust you anymore either. If you’re willing to hide THAT, what else are you willing to hide? Where do the secrets end and the boundaries start? There isn’t any reason he shouldn’t know. Her decisions in this matter affect all of you and the entire family, and she is a minor. As such, she should be the one to come clean and tell him. Just because it’s “hard” and “shameful” doesnt mean she should have the option to skip it and hide it from him. He’s deployed. Would it be a convenient excuse not to bother him with it, sure, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t know. I can’t believe people are telling you to not tell him. If you value your marriage, tell him. You’re a team. And she needs to understand that you can’t keep secrets from each other to simply save face. This is a teachable moment. Life is full of hard choices and times where you need to put your ego and feelings aside to tell the truth and take responsibility for your actions. Not because you want to, but because it’s the right thing to do. If you allow her to not come clean to her father, what are you teaching her? That she can hide certain things from one or both because she simply feels like it. Or because shes afraid of the reaction or punishment she’d get … What’s more important to you? Only you can decide that. In our house, if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences too. Telling her dad is a consequence of her choice to be sexually active and getting pregnant. Own up to it, even if it’s not easy. It’s important to nurture both those parental relationships. Not put one over the other. They should be equal. At the end of the day, you may not like her decisions, but that doesn’t change the fact that you both love her and want what’s best for her. I think if she comes clean to dad, initially he will be upset, but eventually he will respect her more for owning up to it and coming clean versus the alternative of running away from and deliberately hiding the truth from him. This COULD make their relationship stronger. Not just yours. Look long term. She’s only looking short term here.
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Dad is deployed.
Wait until he returns home.
Encourage her to be open with her father about it. But ensure it is in a calm environment.
A few factors I would consider.
Is he against abortion?
Is he religious?
Taking these into consideration how does he handle news like that.
Dads are especially protective of daughters and he may initially be disappointed in her but he needs to understand the emotional impact thsi has had on her too. Support is everything.
Now you know, get your daughter on the pill, talk about it.and ensure she knows how to stay safe.
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Respect your daughter and honor her wish
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He’s going to ask you how she could become pregnant under your care? Be prepared to answer that question. Honesty is best. He needs and deserves to know.
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Maybe there’s way you don’t have to betray either of them… maybe tell him that something life changing has happened and she’ll tell you when she’s ready.
Idk. This is a hard situation. Like the others have said, if this comes up later it could destroy your marriage, but If you betray your daughter she may resent you and not come to you if there’s a next time.
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It will make or break her trust with you, keeping secrets is never the right answer but doing what’s best for your daughter is so whatever you have to do until she is clear minded is what’s best,
She’s flooding with hormones at her age and a pregnancy on top of that means she has no real control of her feelings, she won’t know how she feels about it until she has the procedure done,
Just support what she wants, who knows… maybe you can talk her into talking to him about it at a later date,
No sense in taking her trust away, upsetting your husband over seas and giving everyone the n your family nothing but anxiety about him coming home when that should be a happy moment,
Let her go through this and then decide who she wants to know, but stress the importance of both parents having all the info to her and how it can better help them relate and communicate.
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I wouldn’t tell him. That would violate her trust with you. It is AMAZING she came to you! Amazing parenting mom. Teenagers are that… teenagers. You didn’t fail Mom. Have a heart to heart with her and I would talk to her about how she should tell her Dad. How much he loves her ect. Love guidance and reassurance. Talk to her about safe sex and birth control. Establishing that trust will help so much.
I personally believe I would wait to tell him until he comes home. At that point I would allow him some time to adjust to being home and then sit down with him and your daughter and give her the opportunity to tell him with you being there to mediate. I have no idea what the dynamics of their relationship are, what his current state of mind is with his deployment/position in the military and it may potentially be easier to do damage control when he’s not also dealing with the added stress of being deployed. There are a lot of factors but, at the end of the day, your daughter needs you more than anyone and kudos to you for supporting whatever decision she makes. Furthermore, take your daughter to get on birth control immediately and educate her properly on STI’s because she is CLEARLY having unprotected sex. Good luck to you and baby girl.
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I got pregnant at 14 with my daughter and I was scared to death to tell my parents then on top of it to raise a baby on my own with just the help of my mom and dad. I’m not telling her what to do but this baby could be the love of her life. I know my daughter is mine. And as for her dad I’d let her make her decision first on if she wants to keep the baby or not before he gets home and then sit down and talk to him as a family because he has just as much right to know as you do. I’d explain that to her to. I didn’t want my dad knowing but at the end of the day I knew it was the right thing to do.
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She came to you in confidence… at the same time, you are married & should respect that as well. There’s definitely no right or wrong answer here. BUT, he is deployed & I would absolutely wait until he’s back, with a clear mind to tell him (IF you do), not while he’s away & needs to be focused. Maybe talk to your daughter & see if she would be okay telling her dad when he gets back…
Only you guys know the relationship she has with him… I know my dad would NOT have taken it well!!! I’d hope maybe her dad would be there to comfort her when he gets back.
All you can do now is be there for her & help her through whatever she needs… deal with dad when he gets home
Respect her decision. When or if she is ever ready, she will tell him.
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I’m just curious why everyone thinks dad has a “right” to know? He doesn’t. Neither does mom. That’s ridiculous. It’s her body, her choice who she discusses it with. If I’m ever in that position I would encourage my daughter to talk to her dad (assuming they’re close) so she could gain support. Not go behind her back and tell him for her
Well I will put it this way, If My Husband Knew OUR daughter was pregnant and took her to have a medical procedure and Didn’t tell Me until after the FACT, I would BEAT HIS ASS! He is her Father, and has EVERY RIGHT to Know, especially when He is incurring the COST of said procedure, YOU haven’t failed as a Mother . Your 14 yo has engaged in ADULT behavior that has resulted in ADULT consequences, Part of those consequences is ACCOUNTABILITY not only for your Daughter but the other Party involved. No way on this earth would I NOT tell my husband or Demand HALF of the expenses from the other Party. That is what I mean by ACCOUNTABILITY, I’m sure she is scared, and embarrassed BUT sweeping it under the RUG so to speak holding NO ONE accountable BUT her DAD to pay for the procedure that He’s not to be TOLD bc it would betray HER Trust is Irresponsible in itself.
She needs to tell him. Or you need to talk to her and tell her he should know. What if something goes wrong. Would you want him keeping the secret from you? And you don’t know mentally how this might effect her later on.
Yes, yes you tell your husband.
As someone who is also military and husband gone, he deserves to know what is happening with his children.
Together you can tell dad. You both should be able to trust dad.
She trusts you. Don’t break that. If someday she chooses to tell your husband, he should understand the importance of her trusting you and you maintaining that.
One of you knowing is better than her not feeling comfortable speaking to either of you on sensitive subjects
This child has a life…what if this baby is the one God has sent to find a cure for cancer?..she is young and it’s not fair for her at 14 to live with the fact of murdering her own child for a temporary fix. A child is not an accident or a mistake…please give this unborn child a chance…consider adoption…it’s not fair for your daughter to live with the consequences of an abortion…that’s just not something you can get over…it’s a life…it’s great that she came to you…as a parent it’s your job to tell her all of the outcomes…I am begging you let her hear the baby’s heartbeat and have an ultrasound before she chooses abortion.
This is tough. I would have a talk with her about how he needs to know and it’s up to her if she wants to tell him herself or wants you to tell him but I would also wait until he’s home before telling him. My husband who is retired military agrees.
Think of it this way, if you were the one deployed would you want your husband to keep that from you? I would talk to her and let her know that she needs to tell her dad but give her time, offer to be there when she tells him, tell her you love her and that he loves her and yes he will be disappointed but in the end you love and support her.
Kids are sneaky! Don’t beat yourself up about it. I was 15 when I got pregnant. You’re an amazing parent to support your child through this traumatic event. If she has asked you not to share it with dad, I wouldn’t. She trusts you with this hugeeeee scary part of her life. Don’t break that trust. Good luck to you both 
I would tell her dad needs to know but she needs to be the one to tell him. Sex comes with great responsibility
I think I would wait and give her time to heal from this and wait until he’s home from deployment. It would be really difficult to make that decision but I think that’s what would probably be best for my child at that time. I think it would also depend on the dad’s personality and how he would deal with that situation from very far away.
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That is her father he does deserve to know, I would also agree with giving her a timeframe for her to either tell him or if not you tell him as he does deserve to know as well.
Not while he’s deployed. It could add too much stress while he’s deployed
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I would be more pissed off if I found out my child didnt tell me ad opposed to the actual fact. Thats not a secret you keep
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He’ll know one day… think about how he will feel after finding out that you both kept this secret from him.
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Well, on one hand I ask not to brake trust but as a woman who struggled to have a child I beg you not to support the killing of a baby. Is adoption an option?
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I have learned keeping secrets of any kind from your spouse is a bad idea especially if it involves their babies. If my daughter asked me not to tell her dad I would tell her that she needs to tell him then. Have her back if he tries to talk her out of the abortion because it’s her body to choose that. 100% he should be told by you and/or her.
He doesn’t need to know. Don’t break her trust or she will not come to you the next time something goes wrong in her life.
100% he has every right to know! Women now a days (yes also referring to those in the comments as well) think they are better then dad. They are not more important or better. I get she asked you not to, but she is a child doing adult things. She obviously is not mature enough to handle it. If you don’t tell him, I hope he finds out and leaves because you not telling him is dirty!
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He needs to know. That’s his child too. But you should have a discussion with her first explaining that you’re going to tell him, why it’s important that he knows too, and it’s going to be ok.
If she was keeping the baby yeah. But since she’s aborting it why out that stress in him while he’s deployed? He can’t really be supportive to her from afar. You’d just be betraying her & making the situation worse. She is likely not to trust you in the future.
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Yes he needs to know and yes it is his business. Tell him together,
TRUST AND HONESTY IS IMPORTANT YOUR HUSBAND AND HER FATHER.
Don’t keep secrets they always come out in the end. Trust me it will ruin your relationship with your husband! But wait till he’s back from deployment or give your daughter a time frame to tell him
Regardless if she is making a decision for her body. That GIRL is a minor which means PARENTS are responsible for her until she is 18.
I’m sick and tired of people coming on here and acting like she has any right not tell her dad. Rule of thumb is if the mom knows then the dad should too or the other way around as well. This whole me too movement needs to but out of parenting. If that girl was 18 or older and decided not to tell her dad then that’s her business. Buuutt she is 14 and both parents should know. Plain and simple. The 14 year decided to have sex and now she is pregnant because both parties wasn’t careful enough. The decision for the abortion is hers or keeping the baby is hers but when it comes to telling either parent is not her choice. Because she will not be financially supporting that baby or forking up the money for the abortion.
Gasp THE PARENTS ARE!!! So everyone stating it’s her body she decides. A minor is still a minor that means the parents decide what she does. It sucks but um they are legally and financially responsible for her until she is 18. So no she has no right to keep it from him.
I feel like this is so hard because you want to keep your daughters trust but also your husbands, I don’t have any helpful advice but I hope everything works out. 
Respect her choice.
She respected you enough to tell you.
If you break that trust she will take it elsewhere
Keep it between u and your daughter , if u don’t the relationship between u two will be way different and she will feel like she can’t go to you without u telling others ,
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I wouldn’t tell him. I’d talk to her and tell her it’s her choice but you feel he should know as well.
I wouldn’t tell him. Some things I think are ok to stay between mom and daughter and this is one of them.
Don’t break her trust BUT give her an reasonable time frame for her to tell him or you will. Dad needs to know,
Why doesn’t she want him to know? Will he not be supporting her or disown her, if so then don’t tell him. Will he understand but she is just worried, then maybe tell him. But the trust issue is a huge thing for her right now
There are so many comments on here twlling you that the dad has a right to know. But in many states the child can go to a clinic without parental permission and doesn’t have to notify parent at all. I would take her to a counseling session and have her educated on the process and allow her to come to terms with the decisions she has made. Even if they’re on the same insurance HIPPAA laws still prevent disclosure so only the codes would be there and it doesn’t say abortion.
IMO it depends on IF you tell dad will he confront her?
If the answer is yes, then NO!
If the answer is no, then yes.
I firmly believe that if she asked you not to tell him and you do and she finds out, she will never trust you and will not come to you again with something like this…
I wouldn’t tell him but I would be honest with her that she will feel better if she does (depending on how accepting of abortion he is)
If he is the type to hold it against her and bring up to make her uncomfortable then I would explain what her fathers views on these things are and leave it up to her, even at 14 that is something she should be able to choose who knows and who doesn’t.
Hopefully she learns from this and doesn’t put herself in this situation again.
It also depends on if the boy knows and is going to tell people or if it’s only you and her. Teenagers are mean and if people are going to find out she should know that she’d be better off telling her dad on her own rather than hear it from somebody else including yourself,
Something like this will be life changing for her, even though she doesn’t want to keep it she will think back for the rest of her life how lucky she was to get a second chance as such a young age.
All you can do is show support for her and HER decisions.
Respect her decision. Now.
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I wouldn’t tell him while he is away but once he is home, he should know.
You didn’t fail but he absolutely has a right to know
I would respect her wishes
When he returns home, he should be told. She should be the one to tell him. If she won’t, then you need to tell him.
I would have to tell my husband, lies just snowball…
If she’s not comfortable telling him right now then don’t
she asked you not to tell her dad
don’t tell her dad
yes he needs to know…and no… you have not failed as a mum x
I wouldn’t ever brake that trust.
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As much as it would hurt to do it, I would keep my mouth shut. If you break her trust now she may never trust you again. Let her tell him (or not) in her own time. Get her the abortion, a birth control implant and educate her about how a baby isn’t all you can get from sex.