I was in and out of court systems from the time I was about 3 till i finally turned 18. My mother always gave me a choice. I think as a child growing up in the court rooms they should have more say in their own life. I honestly think who you are as a parent determines this, but from personal experience if I would not have had to go to my dads I would have been in a much better mental state when I was growing up, so me as a person I see children having their own say could save lives as well. They are their own person too right?
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Imagine if you only got to see your daughter at weekends! No debate, she should be going!
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To avoid being in contempt (because this could all get pinned on you if he played his cards right) i would take it back to court with your daughter in tow to adapt the parenting plan to putting her in charge of where shes staying and if she goes. This happened with my parents when they divorced and thats how the order was written
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My brother never wanted to go to his dad’s, my mom would try and find ways to keep him home. His dad took my mom back to court and said she wasn’t following court orders. The judge basically said if my mom withheld my brother again she would go to jail. It was so sad forcing my baby bro to go visit his dad. His dad didnt care about him, he just wanted to win against my mom.
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Children can realize when one of both of the parents are in and out or not around often at any age and start not wanting to be around with the other parent. Yeah it may have a harder impact and having to deal with going to court more if he does so but let her choose who she is more comfortable with
Let her father visit her at her grandmother’s house. It is obvious that she feels unwelcome in his home
If she didn’t want to go to school would you let her decide that?
A relationship with her father is at least as important as school.
As is not giving a child the ability to make decisions when they have no understanding of the consequences.
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Its definitely her choice. Doesnt matter how old she is! You can mention that in court as well
I think it’s great that she can make her own mind up but at the end of the day she’s 8 and cannot dicktate or know what’s best for herself at that she and it’s better for yous to co parent and her to have her dad in her life. Than not.
Try find some other ways maybe doesn’t need go stay over can take her out for the day and drop back. Longs they keep contact. Xx
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From the way you’ve worded these questions, it sounds like she’s probably picking up on the passive aggression that is behind when you talk about him or is hearing things that are swaying her opinion, she’s probably subconsciously taking your side because she senses the tensions, if it’s been to court and there is no safety issues, you should be reminding her that it is important to try and have a relationship with her dad and id be talking as to why it’s her decision not to in detail because 8 year olds don’t have the emotional development to break down what they are feeling and why without someone talking it out unbiasedly with them, if you don’t feel you are able to not do a face or have a tone when talking about him then if ask someone impartial to help you. How would you feel if your daughter was at his house and decided she didn’t want to come back to yours? Would you be so open to her free will and not forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do then?
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Well the child is 8!!! Which is y u guys have gone through courts and by not sending u are not complying! I get the kids have voices and need to be heard but if she didn’t want to go to school would u allow her stay at home??? She can never build a relationship with her father if u don’t support and encourage the contact 
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Make her go. Encourage the relationship
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I was one of those kids who didn’t want to see my dad. He was always drunk and fighting with his girlfriend. He would pick me up from school with a beer in his lap and somehow never got caught. But he gave my mom hell through the courts if she didn’t follow the custody agreement. Unless he is abusing her, the courts are not going to give you the option to listen to her when she says she doesn’t want to go.
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She is old enough to decide for herself. I will say kudos to his mom for standing by your daughter’s decision. Let her be the one to decide when she wants that relationship. I do agree that some kind of counseling may not be a bad idea…there are definite reasons she feels the way she does and those emotions can be hard to handle at a young age.
I dont think you should force her to go.but i do think that you should be encouraging her to go. At her age she really shouldnt be calling the shots, especially when it involves spending time with a parent. Dont be so wishy washy. Next thing you know, shell tell you she doesnt want to go to school, or the dentist, and she’ll be telling you what to do. Seriously!
ALL of you need get in counseling & find out what the problem is. We had to do it w my “dtr” bc she didn’t want to go to her mother’s. It was hard making her go bc she wasn’t physically abusive, just a narcissist. Like Brandi sd, good co-parenting is VERY IMPORTANT. Good luck. If you get along with grandparents, it’ll help you too.
We cannot ask women to have boundaries when we teach them as children that what they want is irrelevant. I am super protective of girl children, and I believe a child wouldn’t balk at visiting a parent she loves. Parents are human as well, and may be doing something she is uncomfortable with.
She needs to know that her choices matter, especially in this world where women do not have a voice.
If a child can articulate that she does not want to go, then she should not go. Have her chat with a therapist so that it’s on record that she refused to see her father.
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Unless there is a very good reason like abuse of any sort then yes and document document document document and report immediately!.. But if the answer is no unfortunately she has to go… the mother needs to explain to her daughter that her daddy misses her and loves her and that she will have lots of fun trick or treating with her daddy etc… If not the mother can be contempt of court and he pursues it she could lose custody for “keeping” the father from the child.
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Ask your child why and note the reason. If it was because she thought she couldn’t go trick or treating, not a good enough reason. If your child says something else, it needs to be addressed with the court or DHS.
Every state is different in how they handle cases like this. Research how your state does things, look at the age the child can legally say their choice/preference, and go from there.
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Imo, I’d still make sure they have some kind of contact visitation. He is her dad after all.
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If it’s not court ordered dont make her go. If it is court ordered she must go, HOWEVER; you need to document the times, and dates she goes to grandma’s and doesnt see her dad and bring that up with the courts
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At that age, she should have to go unless she is expressing that he is in some way abusing her.
Every parenting class will tell you that its unhealthy to give the children at that age the choice of whether to visit their other parent and can cause long term damage.
By the age of 12 or 13, then allow them to make the decision, at least by that age, they have developed more, cognitively.
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Listen to your daughter!! There is a reason she doesn’t want to go!!
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If he is paying child support and not behind. He can take you to court and force them to force you to send her. Unless hes being abusive. I would send her to avoid court and him getting sole custody. Shes 8 and theres some things you need to make her do.
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My mom and dad divorced when I was 2 he was supported to have me every other weekend around 8 or 9 I told my mom I didnt want to go because my step mom was mean to me she didn’t make me go but would make me see my dad when I was at my grandparents house he got belligerent one time and tried to spank me because I told him I didnt want to go with him my grandfather stepped up and my father left I didnt see him again for years I never had a relationship with him because of his actions if she doesn’t want to go find out what’s going on and why she doesnt want to and go from there
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Court order, you don’t have that choice and neither does she. If she misses enough visits because you don’t force her to go, they may have a strong chance of getting custody of her. Plus, she’s 8, she is not emotionally developed enough to have that choice.
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If he makes police reports on the times he’s supposed to have her then it will go against you. For contempt of court. And he could be granted longer times with her to make up for the times he didn’t have her. But if he doesn’t do any of that then you good. Courts will be mad with you and say who’s the parent and it doesn’t matter what she says. He has to have done something to her in like huge deal to keep her away from him in their eyes.
No you’re not wrong. I went through the same thing. There is a reason your child doesn’t want to go and wether anyone agrees with their reason or not to make them go will cause issues for the child, you, and your ex. The child needs love and support and understanding. Go with your gut you know what is best for your child. 
Until she is 13 she has to go but if there is something wrong going on you could ask court for an gardium alightium that way they can talk to the child and figure out why
I have always told my girls that if they didn’t want to go to their dads house then they needed to talk to him, and explain why they didn’t want to go. My hopes was that they could work out whatever the issue was. But if it wasn’t a good reason, like they just didn’t feel like going I would still make them! Now if they call me and they want to come home for good reason, like their dad and step mom was fighting or some be was going on I would go get them!! Communication is key in all this. Sometimes getting the kids in to talk to someone helps find out with the issues…
Make her go even if she stays with grandma and make sure you keep a calendar for your next court visit, it’s less ammunition dad has against you especially if you’re texting back and forth about it. Always keep the texts as well, you can always get an advocate for her as well for your court proceeding because no matter the child’s age they go by both parent’s homes, and listen to the child with an unbiased opinion to give the judge. I had do all of this with my 2 and because I kept such detailed records of their visits and all of my texts it worked in my favor even though they were younger they had a choice on whether they wanted to go or not. And it was the same situation he only wanted them when it was convenient for him, the judge even told him parenting is a 24/7 thing you can’t pick and choose because you don’t like mom you chose her in the 1st place it’s not their fault it didn’t work🤷♀️ hope this helps
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I think next timeyou go to court express your feelings about her not wanting to go to dad’s. I agree with your decision of letting her make the choice but to protect your custody rights it needs to be documented. It would also help you and her if you could find out why she don’t wanna go. Is the new wife mean to her? Does she feel like she’s not getting the attention she’s needs? I wish you and her the best.
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She needs to tell the judge that she don’t won’t to go and the reason she don’t won’t to go other then that if it’s court order then she hasn’t to go sad but true
Give her the choice. I did it that way with my now 18 year old and she has expressed to me how that helped her anxiety at that age…knowing that SHE had the say.
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Maybe she is jealous of the new baby that she won’t get enough attention
I wouldn’t force her to go but I would go to the court myself and request a change the order due to her verbalizing that she doesn’t want to go. Maybe ask for a guardian ad lidem to help with her wishes .
I would not force my child to go if she did not want to. There is something going on or she would go without a problem
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Deff listen to your daughter. But also talk to her and try and find out why she doesn’t want to go
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I would contact the courts and tell them what she’s saying and go from there so u dont get in trouble
I would definitely listen to my child. They are wiser than we
Want to admit.
Does she have something specific when she says she doesn’t want to go to her dads? Maybe she doesn’t feel like her dad pays attention to her when she is there.
Your not one to force your children to do something if they don’t want to do it?
What happens when she doesn’t want to go to school?
Doesn’t want to eat her vegetables?
Doesn’t want to do chores?
Are you going to force her to do what she doesn’t want to do?
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She feels safe with her grandmother
If it is court ordered she has to go.
Imo u do everything u can to encourage a relationship at that age. Now if she’s in her teens then pushing too hard may cause her to resent u but at 8? Regardless of your feelings about the man he is her dad and as long as he isn’t a danger to her u should push for her to go
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Sorry court order or not I don’t make my child do what she doesn’t want to do there are reasons behind it and maybe you can talk to her about it and bring it up if you go to court again. My child father blames me for my kid not wanting to see him but he doesn’t make a effort never has and she has seen that HERSELF so yes say what y’all want I don’t force my kid to go to her dad’s stop acting like kids aren’t as smart as they seem if they are old enough to say I don’t wanna go I feel they are old enough to decide not to go!
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I mean my son is 8 and he chooses when he wants to go to his dads and if he where he wants to be on holidays. Both his father and I feel he needs to have control over his life. He had no say in whether or not we stayed together so I’m not controlling his relationship with his father. It is his choice to go.
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I’m in the UK. My daughter was a very mature 8 year old when she decided not to see her father anymore. She found herself a lawyer and explained she didn’t want to go. Her lawyer contacted the courts and visits were stopped.
I dont make mine do anything they don’t wanna do either and thier 9 and 7
There is such a thing as blind family loyalty. When my twins are with me they don’t want to leave and say they want to live with me. They say the exact same thing with their dad. They are 7 and very smart. Often they don’t want to call dad when they are with me. Tough shit. I tell them their dad deserves the respect of at least a phone call to say I love you. I will always encourage that relationship no matter what is going on between him and I. We have an awful coparent relationship and are in/out of court all the time. When/if they want to make that kind of decision when they are a bit older I will support them. Right now they don’t get to do that.
Your daughter knows. No one should obligate her to see someone when she doesnt want to.
First, why she doesnt want to go?
Second, act on her reasons. Youre an adult, u have to protect her.
Third, the law gives her decision making rights at 10 yold. U have 2 years to go.
Talk to her, keep the communication open. Evaluate. Analyse. Write or/and record what she is saying. Then, u will be able to go to Court and ask for visit rights changes.
U can also hired a family lawyer. They sit in privacy with your child abd ask them questions. Then present their analyse to the Judge.
We went threw all that.
Good luck.
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If court ordered you have to enforce or risk losing custody if not then no
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You went out with a married man, and had his child. Doesnt sound like you make good decisions.
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If there’s a court order & he hasn’t followed it then he’s in default. Your daughter doesn’t have to sit around waiting for dad to decide that she’s important. I hope you recorded how many scheduled visits he’s missed & how often he actually sees her. Get her into counseling so a professional can record how his inconsistency affects her. Take him back to court. Tell the judge she’s tired of putting her life in hold & changing plans for the possibility that dad might show up.
If there’s no court order then you’re not obligated to let him see her at all. If she doesn’t want to go then she doesn’t go. Same if he has missed several visits & is in default. You don’t have to enable him or teach her that it’s her job to enable men.
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Forcing her will damage the relationship with her father further - she will resent him for it. She has no control over when he’s around and that’s very hard for any child so give her back some control and let her choose when she wants to see him. If he was present and consistent it would be different. Never stop her though as she may resent you for that when she is older. She will learn to trust that you are listening to her and respect her feelings and she will always feel she has her safe space at home.
NO. DO NOT force that baby to go! I was that kid and it sucks! There’s a reason she doesn’t want to go. It would be different if he was a constant role model and had her best interest at heart. According to your post, that is NOT the case. Just my opinion. Prayers❤️
When I was younger my mom allowed me to make the choice if I wanted to go to my dads on his weekend and if I didnt she would tell him to get me the following weekend. There might be a reason she didnt want to go. The ones that should feel guilty are the ones trying to guilt trip her into doing something she doesn’t want to
I think encouragement is good, but enforcement isnt. it’s yours and his responsibility to try and ensure they have a good relationship. But it cant all be down to you. If it would upset her to go, why force it? Make sure you are encouraging other forms of contact. Phone, letters and facetime maybe? Try and get to the bottom of WHY she doesnt want to go, and then make a decision based on that, rather than just one week. Good luck. It’s so so hard to do the right thing all the time x
Serious question, if the roles are reversed and the child doesn’t want to go back to the mother’s home, would you condone the father not letting the child return to her mother’s? 
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I hated going to my dads! Hated it! He was so mean and just had the stupidest rules and it was boring! I just didn’t like it but my mom made me because she was afraid of him. I wish she would’ve said we didn’t have to go, it’s not like I like him more now because of the time we spent. 
Children are too young to understand the gravity of what not going will do to their relationship. My nieces Mom lets her choose to not go with my brother, shes 5. Although I do think we should encourage kids to be independent and make their decisions on (food, clothes, sports, activities). Relationships aren’t one that they fully grasp.
I always tell mine if they don’t want to go with someone, they don’t have to. And I’ve made it clear, I won’t force them to go.
If you have a custody agreement then you need to follow it. Simple. You can lose custody all together for not making her go…
If the tables was turn and you was in the fathers position wanting to see the child how would feel
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Sorry but you were so wrong to allow your child to stay home. She’s 8 not a adult. It’s not her decision to decide. How would you feel if you only saw her once a week or just 2 days a fortnight and she doesn’t want to see you. Bet you wouldn’t like it. She does not have a say if she wants to go or not at her say
I mean my kids dont want to get up for school but I still make them aka force them but in the end your child is just that a child who unfortunately isn’t capable of making life decisions if he’s that inconsistent you should file a custody modification and handle it within the court system
From the moms perspective I get it you don’t want to force ur kid to do things she don’t want to do be careful until the kid tells the court system u can get contempt of court and some state put u in jail for it… From the dad’s perspective ur just keeping his kid from him ur not even trying to find a solution. And as the primary parent u will never understand what it feels like to not get your visits becouse the mother doesn’t want to make the kid have a relationship with the father… And all those ppl saying the kids have the right in court to say yes or no to visits they usually have to have a very good reason and until the child says it in court to the judge and he sides with the child the mother is in contempt of court… The dad can file for contempt of court after just one visit if he wants to be an A**… Most don’t because they know their kids are happy
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At her age, she needs to make her own decisions!! My 3 daughters are 5,6, and 11 and I let them ALL make their own choice on going over to their dads. My 5 year old usually says “I guess” and my middle tells me “no” everytime he calls. My oldest isn’t his biologically so she just wants a dad but even she’s tired of the inconsistency of him. So lately she’s been telling him no too.
Is there something going on that she doesn’t want to be there? Also if he is bad mouthing you, that’s a violation. (In Wisconsin it is) I’d investigate why she doesn’t want to be with her father.
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If the visits are not court ordered let her make her own choices. IF they are court ordered have her go and when dad not of the year flakes keep those dates documented.
It sounds like something is going on that she doesn’t want to be over there.
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Unless she’s old enough in the courts eyes she has to go. Unless there’s a reason and I mean s as bad reason not to go
Unless there is abuse, she should go. At 8 years old, her not wanting to go could be as fickle as her dad stricter. So talk to her, if there isn’t substantial reasoning behind it, and not just her not feeling like it… he is her father and however little time she gets with him she should have…as she grows up, if he really is sketch…she will hit a point where she can actually make a mature decision.
Idk about your state but im in PA…until the age of 12 and they bring it to a courts attention they longer wish to go (with good reasoning) you HAVE to make them go. Especially if the father is paying child support. Its important that the child sees their father (as long as its a healthy relationship) whether u like the man or not. If there’s a reason you wish to not have ur daughter see him then u will have to go through court. (I’m currently going through custody to have visitations set up and with both having mutual agreement its costing me 1500$ out of pocket… if we can’t agree it could be another 2500$ more) So best interest in your wallet and your daughter mental health is let the man see her. Shes 8… she doesn’t have authority yet.
Your daughter is 8 years old! Sorry, but it is not her choice whether she gets her weekend with her dad. And I’m gonna bet he only gets here every other weekend? That’s 4 days a month! That is not enough time as it is! Grow a pair of tits and tell your 8 year old, its Daddy’s time. If he is a dead beat, then she can make her own decisions about it when she is 18.
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Let her continue to be independent and make her own choices of what makes her happy we as adult tends to forget that what we try to share for my children they see and they know more than they let on I’m kind of going through a similar situation with my son he’s 8 years old and if I suggest for him to call his dad he asked me why and then says to me dad Don’t call me so why should I call him so with that being said you can’t force a child to do what they don’t want to do especially when it comes to a mom or a dad trust me they see and they know who loves them who do for them who spend time with them they know so let her be independent I make the choices that she needs to make if you feel she’s making a wrong choice men try to give her your advice or your opinion but don’t ever push them in a situation where it’s going to make them uncomfortable or unhappy because that’s where he’s at men come in to play towards either the mom or the dad
Honestly a judge would have the child be seen and questioned to help decide what is best to do. If the child has a valid reason for not wanting to go a judge would not make them go.
I think A lot depends on the state. But if you think she is mature enough to make that decision then you should follow your instinct. My kids have always got to choose and there’s was court ordered for a while. Then they just didn’t go anymore cause he would talk smack all the time about me.
Let her make her own choices document why she doesn’t want to go besides the bad mouthing of you does he ignore her and only focus on the child he has with his wife
Just go to court and take the children and let the judge talk to the children and then let him make the decision and let the judge be the bad person. I personally don’t think you should force a child to go but at the same time the father has rights to see his children but sometimes it is emotionally challenging for the child to keep going back and forth. Again, that is something the judge should make after talking to the children.
Every father has the right to see his child. If it’s a court order you are play with fire.
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Abide by the order. Explain to her that until you can get the order changed she needs to go. Document document document. Talk to your attorney and get advice.
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If your still on and out of court ask for a guardian ad listen, it’s a lawyer for the kid, if she feels uncomfortable now it’s only going to get worse, the least it will do is have a court order stating her feelings and wishes for a paper trail.
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If it’s court ordered then you have to. She is not old enough in the laws eyes to make her own decision.
It’s your job to teach her “priority” and what’s right verse what can wait.
Let you daughter make the choice. She old enough in most courts eyes to make that decision on her own.
This really depends on a lot of different factors that no one person on here will be able to help with without. It depends on the judge, for one, and how they feel. Also state laws, as well as who has custody and are there even any visitation set up, as going to court for child support doesn’t always equal visitation set up. It certainly didnt when I went in Florida. It also depends on your child themselves, and why they dont want to visit. This isnt a clear cut answer. There are many factors that are involved, and so far…doesnt sound like it’s you but his own mother who also listened to her grandchild wishes.
However, in my opinion, I dont feel 8 is too young to make that choice. I know many want to keep lumping an 8 yr old with the same mentality as a 6 yr old…but that’s not really how that works. You’re comparing a kindergartener to a second grader who has had more time to develop their feelings and learn to understand them better. And if an 8 yr old doesnt want to see their father or mother, in cases like this, theres a reason. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with asking how a child feels or if they want to go, and take their feelings into consideration.
Also, off topic, but just want to say LOVE how your ex is mad is because you happened to get knocked up the same time his side piece did. Like its YOUR fault he knocked you and his other girlfriend up at the same time. Its somehow YOUR fault he couldn’t just stay faithful…or be a man and break it off before it even got to that point. Like…wow lol.Yea. I’m sure your daughter has a good reason considering how you’re blamed his faults. Wouldnt doubt if they place some blame on her, too, while shes there, treating her less than her half sibling. Just saying…thank god you got out of that and no pity for the gf who will be the next “victim” when he finds a new side piece and knocks her up too.
Just wow lol. How dare you get pregnant when his other girlfriend he was cheating on you with did, jeez! What a nut job those two are to think that way. Truly glad you at least got out of that.
People always underestimate the intelligence of children. Children know who is safe, if they are welcome or if they are unwanted. Why would a child want to be in a toxic environment that degrades her mother. The vibes of negativity permeate the air long after foul words have been spoken. Most children adore their dads so if she doesn’t want to see him, he’s not making her feel loved or welcome.
No, she is allowed to say no. My parents divorced when I was young. I knew early on that I didn’t want to go for visitation as I also did not have a good, steady relationship with him. I didn’t feel safe or happy visiting. My mom realized quickly that I emotionally and mentally knew I didn’t want to go and did not force it. Yes, you are a parent. But it is also not your job to force a relationship when your child clearly has said no. In this situation, you would be causing more harm by forcing her to do this. It could create resentment and foster distrust towards you as you are forcing her to do this when she has trusted you enough to share this. Yes, you as a parent have a say in what your child’s safety and more at that age, but you are also supposed to protect them. Please, as a girl who was that same child, do not force her. Listen to her. Let her explain why. But do not force it, and tell your ex he is also supposed to be an adult and live with his past and its consequences. He is also supposed to protect her emotional and mental well-being, and this is her choice.
Plus, in regards to others mentioning court-ordered ability for father to have visitation. No honorable judge is going to force a child to visit one of their parents. Children have their own representatives in courts in regards to divorces. Even if the father isn’t abusive, at that age she can say she doesn’t want to visit and they will respect that. My brother and I had a court-ordered visitation clause in my parents’ divorce. He was also not steady in our lives, cheating on my mom, not always there, cancelling visitations at the last moment, etc. I was able to tell my guardian ad litem that I didn’t want to continue my visitations so the court had to agree to this change.
I kind of agree with you, but it does seem like the dad has bee quite “busy”. He had a baby with another woman only 2 days after this daughter was born.
look i agree more with the people saying let her choose herself more then the people saying enforce your daughter to go honestly if she doesn’t want to go then she shouldn’t have to go simple i think that its great that you want your daughter to make her own choices but also tell your daughter your own input if you think its truly necessary
Court orders are NOT suggestions. They are orders. Follow them or prepare to lose custody if dad gets fed up. You are not exactly a saint and quite frankly, if you don’t facilitate the relationship between child and dad then you could end up visiting. I have won many parents custody because of custodial parents FAILING to follow court orders because “the child has a right to choose”. No the child does not.
That is not the law in PA. Children don’t get to choose in any state until they are 18. In some states in the US, children may get their voice heard but it does NOT dictate.
Wow, did anyone who says to send the daughter without consent read what the mom said? The father is an absentee parent, doesn’t treat her well, is sketchy, and only wants to be with the daughter when it’s convenient for him. The daughter clearly sees and feels that she is unwanted, the relationship is poor because the dad does not put any effort into it, why should she waste her time and her emotions and be with someone who doesn’t want to be with her? What does that teach her about relationships in her adult life? No the mom was right 100%.
But the father doesn’t want to. The mom stated the relationship is poor, the dad is sketchy, barely sees her anyway only when it’s convenient for him. That’s not someone who dedicates and makes the time to be with her child when it’s their time to be with the child. He clearly doesn’t care. Would be a different story if the daughter didn’t want to go and the relationship was a good and decent one and the father wanted to be involved. This is not the case.
I think there certainly needs to be specific questions asked and if there is nothing physically or emotionally causing her not to want to go then she needs to be encouraged to have a relationship with her father. My parents were horrible and both hated each other and divided our family to the point I have no relationship with either of my parents. Whatever the relation was between these parents, they need to put this child first and work on her relationship with each one of them and not bash the other parent. Every time you say something bad about the other parent you are saying something bad about her because she is part of both of you. She needs more than anything to know she has both parents support to love the other parent. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s a chance for her to thrive and grow into a healthy adult woman that doesn’t struggle in her own relationships.
Listen to your child