Should My 8-Year-Old Have a Say When It Comes to Going to Her Dad's?

Motherhood
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QUESTION:

"My daughter is 8. Her father and I have been in and out of court since she was eight months old. I am not the type to make my children do something they don’t want to do.

She was supposed to go to her father’s this weekend. She told my boyfriend and me on Friday that she didn’t want to go. I had her call her grandmother to tell her she didn’t want to go. Her grandmother tried to guilt-trip her into going. However, my daughter is very headstrong and didn’t fall to the guilt.

I am actually very proud of her for doing that. She did say she wanted to go after trick or treating. Well, she never ended up going to her father’s. She only stayed with her grandmother. Her father threw a fit when his mother told him what my daughter’s decision was.

Am I wrong for allowing my eight-year-old to make her own choices? I know she’s still a child, but as I said before, I’m not one to force my children to do something if they don’t want to do it.

My daughter doesn’t have the best relationship with her father. He’s been sketchy, he’s been in and out of her life, and he takes her when he seems fit for himself and his wife. I’m currently dealing with them being ignorant and talking smack behind my back because we were pregnant at the same time. I had my daughter on 10/13, and they had their daughter on 10/15.

What should I do? Should I enforce the visits or just let my daughter have the independence of making her own choices?"

RELATED QUESTION: I am concerned my son’s dad isn’t spending time with him at his house: Thoughts?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“It’s your job as a co-parent to encourage the relationship with the non-custodial parent. You’re the adult, not her. Unless there is a safety reason that she should not be going, you should not be enabling her not wanting to visit with her father. Legally anyways.”

“Depends. Do y’all talk bad about her dad 24/7 when she is around which makes her think that her father is no longer good enough for her? Or do y’all talk good about him and she actually made her own decision???”

“She’s 8. She isn’t mature enough to make her own decisions. Unless she is being harmed then she should go to her dad’s. If it was the other way around, I would imagine you wouldn’t be happy either. She may grow up to resent you.”

“I went through this but I didn’t take a side really, I just talked to my daughter and explained how important it was to see her dad and his family as much as possible. I didn’t want to “force” her but it’s also important for parents to advocate for their children’s future relationships with family members… just my opinion… I will add that if there are dangerous or neglectful accusations I can see being reserved in allowing visitations but if not nourish any loving relationship you can for your child, they deserve as much love as they can get regardless of your relationship with your ex and their family…”

“WHY would mom have to force the daughter to have a relationship with dad if dad isn’t trying like he should? I’m sorry but you absolutely SHOULD NOT force her to go or see anyone she doesn’t want to see. If there is reason for it, talk to your lawyer to see about getting the custody order revised. My daughter is five and I don’t force her to see her dad or talk to him on the phone or ANYTHING if she doesn’t want to. He hasn’t put in effort so why should I expect my FIVE-YEAR-OLD to patch the gaps herself. Screw that! My mom never forced me to talk to my dad and I am THANKFUL for that. Encourage her to see him and make sure she knows it is ALWAYS an option, but don’t force her.”

“As a parent, it’s good to encourage a relationship with her father unless he’s abusive. She’s too young to make those choices. The fact that you mention them talking smack and being pregnant around the same time sounds like you’re madder about that.”

“Take it from someone who was forced to see their narcissistic father her entire childhood…let. Her. Decide.”

“As an adult, you need to be the more responsible person. Why doesn’t she want to go, does he hurt her? Or is it because she has more fun at your house. You need to encourage healthy relationships, especially with her father. Going to dad’s is not an option or a choice, it’s what she needs to do. Maybe their relationship would be better if you made her go consistently.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

44 Likes
2

You are not wrong…I was made to go to my dads when I didn’t want to go…it messed me up for a long time…I never make my kids go to their dads if they don’t want to…and I made that clear to their dad as well

1 Like
3

Depends. Do y’all talk bad about her dad 24/7 when she is around which makes her think that her father is no longer good enough for her? Or do y’all talk good about him and she actually made her own decision???

25 Likes
4

Let your daughter make her own choice. She’s old enough to make that decision on her own.

1 Like
5

You aren’t wrong. But if it’s court ordered you might have to force her.

2 Likes
6

It’s your job as a co-parent to encourage the relationship with the non-custodial parent. You’re the adult, not her.

Unless there is a safety reason that she should not be going, you should not be enabling her not wanting to visit with her father.

Legally anyways

85 Likes
7

Depends what the papers say and if he is going to enforce it. She isn’t old enough to decide yet.

3 Likes
8

Is there a court order? Would you be in contempt for not sending her? If so there needs to be an adjustment…

2 Likes
9

Well one it would depend on if you have a court order for visitation. If not I would have said that she should spend time with her father. I know as they get older they may not always want to go but I think it can be good to do it. But since he really isn’t consistent and sounds like there are issues I think it’s ok to not enforce it if she doesn’t want to go.

1 Like
10

Make her own choice in this situation. There is probably a reason she doesn’t want to go. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with her by forcing her to go somewhere she doesn’t want to or isn’t comfortable with. My only suggestion would be for you to Be “the bad guy” for her and you tell him or gma that can be awkward for a child.

3 Likes
11

If you have a court ordered parenting plan, then you are in contempt of court by allowing your daughter to not follow the parenting plan. It sucks, but that’s the way it works and by allowing her to choose not to follow the scheduled plan you can get in trouble.

1 Like
12

Let her make her own choices. Making her go would only make her resent you

3 Likes
13

If it is court ordered she has to go or you will get in trouble.

3 Likes
14

No! There’s nothing wrong with that! Currently my daughter is 8 and her dad is only around when wants to be. I dont force her to go if she doesn’t want to but most of the time she goes because it’s with his mother and not him so I get it 100%

2 Likes
15

Its one weekend…id only be worrying if she kept.refusing x

1 Like
16

I didn’t meet my dad till I was 15. My kids dad walked out on us when our youngest of 3 was 2wks old. My dad wasn’t that great but I have always encouraged my kids to decide for themselves as to how they feel about their dad. I enforced visitation. I believe that they have a right to get to know their dad. I’m not going to stop them from doing so. Now if there was something going on that warrants a reason to keep the kids away…abuse or something…then that’s different. Simply because a child might be bored or personalities conflict with another member of the household wouldn’t be grounds for termination of visitation.

3 Likes
17

If there is a court order you don’t have a choice whether she goes or not. Doesn’t matter if they are 8 or 17 (no written law where I at). You are the one who will have to explain to the court why you didn’t allow her to go. If she’s not in any danger then you could be penalized for her not going (up to and including parenting time being changed/taken away from you). It’s hard to make them go when they don’t want to but it’s best to have 2 parents in their lives. I’ve gone thru it with 3 of my kids and it wasn’t easy but what I had to do.

5 Likes
18

You seem petty. I dont care who had kids when. Sucks you were cheated on but how often do you talk crap about her dad? Is this the reason she doesn’t want to go? Have you talked crap about dad in front of her? Take a step back and look at the whole situation

5 Likes
19

My daughter is only 6 and I have ALWAYS let it up to her. Even for awhile my ex would come hang out at our house with her for a few hours because it was more comfortable for her. She just started going back for sleepovers every other weekend about two months ago. Don’t let anyone guilt her into doing anything.

4 Likes
20

I would never force my child to go. If they don’t wanna go, they don’t wanna go :woman_shrugging:t2:
I would try to encourage her to visit her dad, but if she doesn’t budge, I wouldn’t force it

5 Likes
21

She’s 8. She isn’t mature enough to make her own decisions. Unless she is being harmed then she should go to her dad’s. If it was the other way around, I would imagine you wouldn’t be happy either. She may grow up to resent you.

9 Likes
22

If you guys have a parenting plan, he can take you to court for not complying with the parenting plan. Most states do not give the child a choice until they are at least 14. Unless there is a legitimate reason for her not wanting to go, then don’t give him any ammo to use against you…

1 Like
23

8 years old is not old enough to decide! Parents are suppose to encourage their children to go with the non custodial parent. If you have a court order you will end up with contempt of court. You sound very pretty.

6 Likes
24

I have primary physical custody of my 7 yr old daughter but I’ve always let her make the choice. I don’t think me or my ex have followed the custody order since the judge signed it. If she says she wants to stay at dads then she stays at dads, if she wants to stay with me then she stays with me. She’s with me 5-6 nights a week on average but sometimes it’s only 2 or 3 nights. It is what it is, my job is to raise a happy healthy human that isn’t mentally screwed up. I don’t your situation or how your daughter gets along with her dad so I can’t really say what is right for you. My daughter would resent me if I actually followed the custody order and only let her see her dad a few nights a month but kids will also resent you if you force them to see a parent they don’t want to see. The kids don’t understand that you can legally get in trouble for not making them go and they blame you even though you can’t help it.

3 Likes
25

How far do you go with letting her make her own choices. Like if she wanted to go across town but you didn’t want her to?

26

Is he financially capable of taking you to court to force?

27

If it is a court ordered parenting arrangement then be careful with that. They could hold you in contempt of court and try to push parental alienation if they want to be really petty.

28

MO law they have to go, they have a choice I believe at 10 or 11. And it is enforced if it says law enforcement can be involved and papers proving whose time it is.

29

Don’t ever make her go if she doesn’t want to .

8 Likes
30

Enforce the visit. She is a child and you should be helping mend her relationship with her father. Not facilitating her staying away from him. If there is a court order, you follow it.

15 Likes
31

As a child of divorced parents I can tell you with 100% certainty you need to allow her to make her own choice… neither of you need to justify that choice to her dad either

6 Likes
32

Things are the same way with my daughter i used to force her but she started feeling bad because he isn’t consistent and I she felt like I didn’t want her because I was forcing her to leave now I dont force her. I try to tell her he loves her and misses her and she may be hurting his feelings by not wanting to go over but if she says no after that then its a no. She’s 10 now and knows if she wants to go or not.

4 Likes
33

It’s up to you how you want to parent. But are you prepared for her to blame you for her daddy issues when she’s older?

2 Likes
34

Unless he calls the police to enforce a custody act u are legally within your rights to let your baby choose. They call the police and they will ask your baby to choose she says she wants to stay end story unless he gets a custody agreement in court.

1 Like
35

No you tell her this is what is happening. And enforce it.

2 Likes
36

If there is a court order you don’t have a choice (at least where I am) And when you go to court they will tell you you should be encouraging a relationship with the other party. My husbands court order it is written in there verbatim that both parties must not speak poorly of the other in front of the child and encourage the relationships. We have been to court a ton because her mother kept refusing to let him take her saying she doesn’t want anything to do with him. Your child should also have a court appointed “lawyer” who can speak up on her behalf if that truly is the case that she doesn’t want to go but be ware they ask all kinds of questions to find out if that’s her choice on her own or because she has heard negative things that made her chose that.

2 Likes
37

Making her go might damage your relationship with your baby it is his responsibility to.make her want to see and visit him if he can’t do that dont make her its really him choosing not her.

2 Likes
38

When my son was 6 he was allowed to make his own choice, and we actually went to court and had an agreement that the visits would be within the child’s wants needs and desires, due to mom being very manipulative and allowing her boyfriend who was banned from visits attend and so forth. She signed the agreement and she hasn’t seen him since and it’s been 2 years, she literally stopped calling after 3 months

1 Like
39

Don’t force her. She has every right to not want to be with her dad if she doesn’t want to! Always have your daughter’s back!!

3 Likes
40

She needs to be able to make her own choices, just remember to try and not sway her in any way and let her make that choice on her own with her own opinions

41

Let her make her own choice. She is smart enough and old enough to recognize when she feels unwanted. No reason to force a relationship he won’t try to maintain. She will thank you when she is older for allowing her to have a voice. And its his loss anyway.

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42

Sounds like we live the same life. Im sorry to hear it. I say let her. Amen her own choices if she doesn’t feel comfortable there she shouldn’t have to

2 Likes
43

Be very careful since you have a court mandated parenting agreement. As the primary parent we are encouraged to mend the relationship and encourage them with all other family members. It sucks I know,but you have to follow the judge’s ruling. In Indiana the police won’t intervene if she refuses to go and he calls the cops,however it will have a record showing refusal on your end of he takes it back to court. Every parent deserves to have the time with each parent and if he doesn’t showup continue to keep records so that you may possibly be able to have the agreement modified.Stay strong momma because it never gets easier if the other parent isn’t as involved as you and thus she has a strained relationship but you have to comply until something legally changes to protect yourself should anything go wrong.

44

I wouldn’t force it. My kids looooove going to their dads because he’s a kickass, CONSISTENT parent. Maybe ur ex should try that and his kid might wanna spend time with him :woman_shrugging:t2:

6 Likes
45

Imagine you were on the other end as a parent. Would you want him to encourage your 8 year old to cut you out of her life?
Do you know what happens to girls with poor relationships with their fathers according to statistics?
Parenting isn’t a popularity contests and teaching children to cater to their own feelings without considering the feelings of others especially their family members is not a very good way to nourish their moral fiber.
In the end you already made up your mind and will likely argue with those whose opinions differ.
PS- its not a guilt trip reminding children that their actions impact their relationships.

3 Likes
46

Maybe revisit her custody agreement. Have her Sit down with a therapist or someone who isn’t biased and have them ask her why she doesn’t want to go.

2 Likes
47

She can decide for herself, don’t force her.

2 Likes
48

Every state is different. Consult with your lawyer if you have one. If you don’t I suggest get one. Depending on the state this can bite you in the ass if a court order is involved

49

As much as I was to say listen to your child every situation is different every court order and state is different. From my situation… my sons father tried this saying I couldn’t see him and so forth the court did not like that he played court… it made his case worse… my best suggestion… document everything record a conversation or your child telling dad no they don’t want to go… unfortunately as of rn it’s best for your child to go until you can go back to court to revisit the order. But let your child know their voice and opinion matters. I’m sorry you guys have to go through this

50

My mom wouldn’t force us && I don’t force my kids

2 Likes
51

Why I totally I understand. If it is court ordered. You can get in big trouble

1 Like
52

In Florida if you keep the child from the other parent you risk losing custody of the child and it will be given to the other parent. I went through this and my attorney advised me not to. Keep documentation of everything and then take him back to court if he is doing anything to put your child in danger. Every state is different and laws change regularly with family court. Good luck

53

WHY would mom have to force the daughter to have a relationship with dad if dad isn’t trying like he should? I’m sorry but you absolutely SHOULD NOT force her to go or see anyone she doesn’t want to see. If there is reason for it, talk to tour lawyer to see about getting the custody order revised. My daughter is five and I don’t force her to see her dad or talk to him on the phone or ANYTHING if she doesn’t want to. He hasn’t put in effort so why should I expect my FIVE YEAR OLD to patch the gaps herself. Screw that! My mom never forced me to talk to my dad and I am THANKFUL for that. Encourage her to see him and make sure she knows it is ALWAYS an option, but don’t force her.

10 Likes
54

Depends on if there is a court order.

55

As an adult you need to be the more responsible person. Why doesn’t she want to go, does he hurt her? Or is it because she has more fun at your house. You need to encourage healthy relationships, especially with her father. Going to dad’s is not an option or a choice, its what she needs to do. Maybe they’re relationship would be better if you made her go consistently.

6 Likes
56

Independence. Independence. Independence. That is one thing I enforce with my kids. It shows them they’re allowed to be in control in some areas in their lives. And choosing who they want to be around should be one of them to a certain extent.

1 Like
57

Listen up I’m currently in a court battle with my ex. He filed a lawsuit against me for an enforcement. I didnt force my boys to go and he went along with it letting them choose and then he met this girl and all of a sudden he is saying I’m denying him his visitations. And took me to court. I’m facing probation and if I’m convicted on even one violation I have to pay for his legal expenses. Its serious. So now even though they dont want to go. They have to.

3 Likes
58

I would encourage the visits up to a certain point. She is still 8 and I’d say around 10 or 11 I’d let them have more of a “say”. It’s not that you aren’t giving her a choice but sometimes you have to be encouraging of the situation. But I don’t know who this guy is so…

59

You should not force your child to do anything she doesnt want to do! She has boundaries and that needs to be respected. Period! And that “encouraging them to see the parent” and “if she doesnt she will have daddy issues growing up” is toxic mentality. She will be fine. She is making her own decision. And theres probably a reason for it and regardless of how big or small that reason is to you, its a big one to her, which is why she doesnt want to go. And that whole guilt tripping your child into doing something they dont want to do, is flat out manipulation. And no, they dont need to cater to anyones feelings but their own! They can hardly handle theirs, dont put that responsibility of making them worry about others feelings on them.

5 Likes
60

My daughter father wasn’t in her life from 2-7. I let her decide if she wanted to call him on holidays,when he decided he wanted to see her I her decide. She’s 18 now only talks to him once in awhile. He had another kid a couple years ago. The baby shower was around the time of her 16th birthday. All he was worried about was if she was gonna come to the shower,and the fact that he wanted her to have a relationship with her brother. Didn’t care about her turning 16. And how you gonna force her to have a relationship with her brother when you don’t have a relationship with her? I say let her make her own decision. Maybe there’s a reason why she doesn’t wanna go. My daughters reason was the fact that he doesn’t hardly talk to her so she felt uncomfortable going with him because she barely knew him.

1 Like
61

As a parent, it’s good to encourage a relationship with her father unless he’s abusive. She’s too young to make those choices.

The fact that you mention them talking smack and being pregnant around the same time sounds like you’re more mad about that :woman_shrugging:t2:

8 Likes
62

There’s a lot of questions that need answered here… why doesn’t she want to go? Is he consistent? Why don’t you want to encourage her to go? 8 years old is not mature enough to make those decisions. If she’s being harmed or anything to the nature, I’m all for not making her go, then I’d fight it out in court if he pushed the issue. But if you’re not encouraging her to go because you’re a bitter baby momma, that’s a whole other story. I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE BITTER, I’m just saying, there’s a lot of information missing. Co-parenting is very important if possible.

5 Likes
63

Depends on the age in your state but here its 12 so yes your wrong. Check your local laws

1 Like
64

I trust my child to make her own decisions, as does her father. She is 4. Granted, the situation is different as he and I are on the same page, but still. Let kids make their own choices. They are their own people.

2 Likes
65

If rolls were reversed how would you feel if your ex denied you access simply because she didnt want to go…

7 Likes
66

I wish like hell my mom and family would have listened to me when I was little and said I didn’t want to see my dad. I was frightened of him (long story). It caused me to have an eating disorder for years. and well other problems. if she doesn’t want to go there must be a reason.

4 Likes
67

She may know something u don’t know. Let her do what she feel.

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68

When it’s in the courts and you have an order, you must abide by it. Judges don’t take kindly to going against his orders.

2 Likes
69

As a co-parent you do needs to encourage her to go. But I wouldn’t force it. If it is a court order, you can get in trouble.

2 Likes
70

You have just told your child court orders don’t matter she doesn’t have to listen to her father and she can do whatever she wnts… dangerous things to give an 8 year old

4 Likes
71

If there is a custody order she should go. Dad can call the cops on you for not letting him have his days.

1 Like
72

I went through this but I didn’t take a side really, I just talked to my daughter and explained how important it was to see her dad and his family as much as possible… I didn’t want to “force” her but it’s also important for parents to advocate for their childrens future relationships with family members… just my opinion… I will add that if there are dangerous or neglectful accusations I can see being reserved in allowing visitations but if not nourish any loving relationship you can for your child, they deserve as much love as they can get regardless of your relationship with your ex and their family…

7 Likes
73

Follow the court papers so it doesn’t come back on you!

4 Likes
74

You need a lawyer because you could get into trouble for your daughter not going as scheduled. He can use that against you. Happened to my mom when I didnt want to go to my dad’s. Had to go to court because she was “keeping me from him” when I was the one who didnt want to go at times because he was such an asshole and more.

75

If there is a custody order in place you have to make her go. But if there isnt then i would let her make her own choices. Dont force her to do something she doesnt want to do.

2 Likes
76

Is there a court order or medation agreement on visitation? If so then visit should be upheld unless theres a serious ligitmant reason you could be held in contempt of court.

77

Unless the child is in danger the child should go to her father on his parenting time. You both had the child together and just because you are not together anymore doesn’t mean either one of you is less important than the other.

3 Likes
78

Only you know how mature she is and it’s your choice. I let my oldest start to decide on weekends etc at 12 (now 14) Before that he was durpy and couldn’t decide on anything. He’s grown up and is pretty good on being fair or whatnot, his dad and I get along though very well so it’s pretty laid back. And we also don’t have any court orders for anything

79

You have to let her go. She cannot decide for herself. The court decided. They can and will take custody from you if don’t follow the court order. You can be held in contempt. Be very careful!

3 Likes
80

Dont let them play you but a child sometimes has good reason no matter how small

81

Unless she is being neglected or abused she should be going to her visits. :woman_shrugging:

82

No… she is getting older at 12 it becomes their decision… sometimes younger depending on the judge. She’s a person too. She has her reasons

83

Kids don’t want to do things alot. They don’t make the rules and yes have to see their father as long as he’s not abusive or dangerous in any way. Especially if you have legal court papers stating his rights and visitation. It’s illegal not to send her.

2 Likes
84

Coming from a child that wasn’t given the choice and was forced it was absolutely horrible 8 is absolutely a reasonable age with her maturity to say if she wants to go or not let her make the choice :slight_smile: you know best momma

4 Likes
85

Maybe there is a reason she doesnt want to go did you ask her

1 Like
86

Take it from someone who was forced to see their narcissistic father her entire childhood…let. Her. Decide.

8 Likes
87

I was 14 when my dad came back into our lives. He left when I was 1.5yo. It was always and forever, absolutely MY decision if I ever wanted to go weekends at his house. My younger brother and older sister went but I didn’t for months until I realized they were playing with our friends down the street. I started going to not miss out on the fun and it was fine.

88

I’m all for letting our kids have a voice and it’s something for parents to talk about with their children when it comes to things like this… but if it’s court order she has to go atleast from what I understand. I know someone that never wanted to go but had no say.

89

As a mom who’s also been in and out of court and sitting and hearing all the other stories before my case like always since the judge hates me and tired of seeing me unfortunately you have to force her to go! The judge will automatically say you are influencing her not to have a relationship unfortunately even if that’s not the case my judge would say kids don’t make decisions or rules and this is my rules and we get screwed and the kids get screwed

90

Is say let her make a choice and don’t force her but make sure it is HER choice cause reading between the lines sounds like she gets pushed in the direction of not liking her father ie listening to you row or you talking about him in front of her so just saying if it is her choice make sure its a valid reason

1 Like
91

Anyone saying make her go, have you been the child forced to go? Child doesn’t equal no bodily autonomy? No father is better than a drop in once and a while father.

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92

Encourage your child’s relationship with her dad. But also find out WHY she doesnt want to go. There has to be a reason

3 Likes
93

My kids no longer want to go to there dads. Iv been letting them make that decision on there own at age 8. I refuse to make them. No body made him see the kids. When he was suppose to be geting them every other weekend. Now he gets to feel there pain. I so it’s fine. Let them be mad. And dont let them get under your skin. That’s what they want.

94

If you’ve been in and out of court so much isn’t there some thing in writing

95

If there’s a serious reason for her not to go that’s different, but if she doesn’t want to clean her room, are you going to let her not clean her room? Going to visitation is something that has to do, especially if there’s a court order. If she ends up staying at her grandma’s house instead of going to her dad’s, record it to take to court when she’s older.

96

Ask what she wants
She should be old enough to know

97

Unless there is a good reason she needs to go. We all have to do things we don’t want to its life.

2 Likes
98

consider her choice , encourage but not force her . Im glad my mom had me see my dad when I was younger. Despite him being a drinker my mom still let me see him and it’s my only memories of my dad as we lost him when I was only 11 . Life is precious and so fast . You just never know . Now I have recently separated myself. Im always giving my kids to their dad . Although the smack talk I dislike . Isn’t that normal for separation … Anyhow point im making is still very much encourage her to visit but if she says no ask why and explain the importance of her seeing her Dad because one day he will be gone . Every situation is so different and varies. Your her mom and you know best .

2 Likes
99

Get her into counseling, even if it is just the school counselor and have them ask about why she does not want to go to her dads, and document it. He has the legal right to see her, until you have a parenting plan that restricts his visitations. In most states the age where a child can choose to go to one parent or the other is 13, or 15. The reason I am suggesting having a counselor talk to her and document it is because the counselor has nothing to gain if you get full custody and he loses visitation rights if things get nasty. If you don’t let her go when he wants visitations he can and likely will use it against you. Document everything each time he contacts her, visitations her moods before and after and when she does not want to go document why she said that she did not want to go.

1 Like
100

Encourage a relationship but don’t force it. She might recognize that he is on/off with seeing her and probably doesn’t feel like it matters to see him