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QUESTION:
"I’m a 21 yr old female and living with my girlfriend (31) of two years and I have a two year old daughter. Our relationship is always full of ups and down. We don’t have very many common interests especially when it comes to parenting. She believes in more of a “rule with fear” “spanking is a must” type mindset. Where as I’d rather communicate with my daughter and explain to her why she can or can’t do certain things. “If they’re too young to reason why are you spanking them and if they’re old enough to reason why are you spanking them” she’s just a lot more harsh than I am. My problem is lately I feel like it’s been out of control and if I don’t pick her side always I don’t love her or I’m picking my (our) daughter over her. (I don’t dare say it to her face that I will always pick my daughter over her any day…DUH.) She says she adores our daughter and sees her as her own… she’s always been good with her and my daughter wakes up everyday excited to see her and play. But when my girlfriend is in a bad mood she’s so mean and impatient and takes it out of us with snarky comments or no sympathy for anything. We wanted to try out insta cart because money has been tight but our daughter was having a late nap and she suggested “we can leave her in the car and lock it with the spare key” I’m sorry but… WHAT?! I would NEVER leave my two year old alone in a car while I go inside shopping (this was at 7pm) even if the AC was turned on and the car was locked. I totally shut her down and she was so upset with me because “it literally will be okay” she said. She was so upset we didn’t do that. Which raised some !!! Major vibes. For the past few days my daughters had a nasty cough that wakes her up at night. We all sleep in one bedroom but daughter in her own bed. My girlfriend was angry we didn’t sleep on the couch to be away from the noise at night. She wakes up at 6am for work (understandable she doesn’t want to be tired) but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving our two year old alone in our room while she’s sick just so we don’t have to hear “annoying crying and coughing” (her words) she refused to sleep on the couch without me and made me feel really bad for sleeping in the room with my daughter. I understand some nights are going to be hard, we’re not gonna get enough sleep, that’s just what being a parent is, right? She’s very stuck in her own mindset of “my way or the highway” anything I do or refuse to do is wrong in her eyes. I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Are these red flags? Should I be doing something else to try and fix this? We’ve had so so many conversations and arguments over this. I’ve threatened to leave so many times because she won’t change her “I’m right you’re wrong” mindset… I feel like I’m always in the wrong… but I’m so scared to leave because what if it’s the wrong decision? Should I stay and fight some more? Or be the bad guy and finally put my foot down and walk away? She tells me I’m dramatic and always so sensitive so I’m asking all this to try and make myself feel not so crazy and feeling the way I feel… please help…"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"It sounds like your girlfriend is truly jealous of your daughter. It’s a difficult situation but if anyone gets upset for you choosing your daughter over them they don’t deserve you in the first place!! Rather move on and be happy"
"If she is spanking a baby and thinks it’s okay to leave her in a car then please run! Run as fast and far away as possible and never look back before it’s too late. She could seriously harm her, she doesn’t sound stable at all! They are more than red flags they are deal breakers!!!"
"Yes, these are 100% red flags. Your girlfriend really should be in therapy to learn how to control her emotions. There’s no reason to be rude and snarky to a 2 year old or your partner just because you woke up in a bad mood. It also sounds like she could be jealous of your daughter. Having a child is hard work. I have a daughter myself. I would never think of leaving her in the car at 7PM at night. Cops could’ve gotten called and it’s a possibility they would’ve taken your daughter away from you. You wouldn’t be a bad person for walking away. There’s nothing you can do to fix someone who obviously doesn’t have any consideration for you or your daughter’s feelings. Never feel bad about choosing yours and your daughter’s happiness over her. You are a mom. It’s your responsibility to choose your daughter over anyone"
"Yes, these a major red flags. If she suggested to leave YOUR daughter in a car too work, while you’re there; there’s a possibility she’s already done it when you weren’t there. She is definitely a Narcissist. I would leave if I were you. If you can take your daughter to a grandparents, or maybe aunts/uncle’s. Or something let them know what’s going on, and get out. I would not trust her with your daughter."
"You need to grow up and be the adult because she won’t, what she is doing is not mentally nor physically healthy. If you leave your daughter in the car alone child services can take her away and then you have to fight to get her back. Tell your girlfriend either you go for counseling or you are leaving. Because what she is doing is borderline child abuse. Never allow this to happen to your child not ever."
"Anyone that isn’t patient with my child is a no go. I wouldn’t trust her alone because she’s clearly ok with leaving her in the car alone, she’s clearly okay with not losing sleep over being attentive to such a young child over night. To name a few. Maybe if it was actually her child, she’d feel different. She should also respect you enough to understand you may not always agree with her ideas and that is okay."
"Don’t stay I’ve been dealing with the same issue with my husband for 10 years and keep asking myself why? I thought it would get better but it only gets worse I’m at the point now where I’m walking away because enough is enough and my kids deserve better."
"If you don’t advocate and put your foot down for your kiddo , no one will. Be strong. You already know what you need to do."
"You need to walk away. Your daughter comes first and that’s no environment for her to be in"
"Stop threatening and leave."
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