Stuck in a draining place

Why am I still trying?

Since 2016 I feel like I’ve been in love with the devil. When we first got together I mindlessly thought we were really in love. I had four kids already that he treated like his own. He made me feel special like I had never felt. Then months went by and the cheating began. I was hurt so I cheated. Having low self esteem and just wanting to feel like I meant something to someone else I guess. We separated for about a year into different homes. But we never really left each other alone we were still “together.” We had a conversation about moving from Chicago to raise the kids in a smaller city with better opportunities so we made plans to leave. The week we left I found messages in his phone from so many different women it blew my mind. One Ik was his ex before me. And she messaged him saying she had h.i.v and she was sorry and he should get checked. I was pregnant at the time so I could do nothing but panic and snap and try to hurt him. I got tested and apparently that was enough for me to just be negative…fast forward 4 years later and he doesn’t cheat but he is mean at the drop of a hat. He is bi polar I’m convinced. He is never fully loving. But at least decent sometimes. I haven’t had a hug in years. I just aborted a child two weeks ago because I was torn about having another baby by a man who act like he hates me. He hasn’t told me he loves me in years. He sleeps on the couch. Most of the time I don’t care. But yesterday was really my breaking point. I literally take care of the house chores and finances. He cooks. That’s about it. And bothers with the kids sometimes. I do all of this thinking that maybe one day he appreciate it and at some point I’ll get some kind of reciprocity for all the love of put in to him and this family. I haven’t left because I feel stuck. I am broke so I can’t exactly move to a different place on my own at the moment but I have been saving towards that and looking for better wages for employment everyday. I’ve considered a shelter but during these times that scares me for my kids. I love myself but apparently not enough to say enough is enough. Yesterday he told me to s his d In front of my daughter because I asked him to stop cursing at our 3 year old daughter so much. I have faith. Ik that this life wasn’t designed for me. I have no idea why it’s so hard for me to take this trash out. I don’t go out and I have no family or friends where I live. It gets lonely which is ok sometimes but all the negativity on top of it makes me feel like why me especially when I consider myself doing everything I can. I apologize for the long rant but ik my friends in different cities are tired of the same ol story. I’m just feeling really defeated today