I’m a young mom of one. He’ll be 3 in March. Overall his father and I never seen eye to eye since he was born. He lived 80 miles away and only came back for two days out of seven occasionally. So from the jump, I always knew to raise my son was my responsibility alone, never complained about it, loving every minute of it. Fast forward, my son’s father just got into a relationship and moved into her house very quickly, where he’s had our son staying over without my knowledge. Now here’s my thing: I know I’m a young mother, and all the toxic parents I’ve come across is one thing I never want to put my child through. I was hurt, trust me, but I moved on. It’s been about three months of them being together, and my son’s father will treat me fairly good for a couple of weeks and then boom, he tells me I’m the worst person in the world and says every dirty name accounted for to me in front of our toddler. I guess I’m just seeking advice on how to continue co-parenting with someone who is controlling and narcissistic. Or is it just me who deals with this type of parent?
I believe it would be time to file for custody and let the courts/mediator help you.
What we do is they have their rules at their house we have our rules in our house it seems to work out
Get some legal help. Your son could be being abused and you certainly are. Coparenting cannot always be done. You need a legal document of some kind.
Make him take you to court for visitation or something document everything and stop letting him have your son your putting your son in a toxic persons care do you want your son to treat you that way too? Make the father work for custody and if you havent already file for child support i wouldnt let that man have any part in raising my son without a fight 
and if he ever gets violent with file a restraining order right away! Or your son will grow up just like him ive seen it!
Don’t know what state you live in but meditation and agreement needs go be in place
You can’t change someone who’s narcissistic and they usually never ever change. Go to court. They won’t want to hear about narcissism but they will care deeply about what’s happening in front of the child as it’s traumatic and that by itself is abusive.
Ignore when he does that. I delt with this for 2 years. My response would be “see ya friday” then no response after… It makes them so mad. And save the messages of him showing his crazy, and ur no response to it. Judges love that stuff. Shows your more stable.
If you do not have a custody and visitation agreement through the court, get one now! In there, you can stipulate he is not to say anything negative about you and/or your home life around the child. This will also apply to you, but that likely isn’t an issue. Of course it’s only a piece of paper and he’ll likely violate, but keep records and if it’s legal in your state, record all interactions with him. Violate him, if he cannot behave himself. (In NYS, for example, it is legal to record someone as long as one party has knowledge of it.) Getting a lawyer may be something to look into if violating him doesn’t settle him down. It’s nice you’re interested in co-parenting tho and not just taking him away, which many do. And, if you have to, keep all communication to text and/or email. Do not pick up the phone if he calls and if your son is with him and you feel you need to answer, record the call and/or disconnect if he starts to babble about anything other than something specific to the care of the child. Good luck!
You actually can’t. I’m sorry. You need to go through legal channels and have everything court ordered and in writing
ah man I feel ya, just ignore the nasty messeges, if you feel your son is in harm’s way while over there, let your lawyer know and his lawyer know, there will have to be indisputable evidence, which a doctor can agree with and prove, for the court to take it seriously, but if your child is happy and healthy, I would just ignore him and tell him contact will only be about your son, and stick to it, dont reply, he will get the messege eventually. Dont stress yourself over his actions hun, he has no power over you.
I don’t see how he is controlling🤷🏻♀️ but y’all need mediation badly
I’ve been there. It gets better. It really does. It took me a bit to realize the mean things and bad names were a way to get under my skin bc he knew it would. And then I just stopped reacting to it. And it stopped. It took years for us to even be in the same room again. But then we started doing bday parties together and even a couple vacations.
Firstly, did this behavior jus start? if so then seek court order custody arrangements, it’s states in all court orders that parents are to never speak unkindly of other parent in front of the child or parental rights can be taken away or restricted to supervised. Has it been like this the entire time? Do you already have court order custody arrangements?
I’m sorry but I wouldn’t allow anyone to take my child to someone house they have only known a few months I wouldn’t even want my child introduced to this person until I had met them first also , if your needing any advice on anything I’m always willing to listen and help any way I can with anything so feel free to pm if u need to it won’t go any further but I defo think u need to have words with him in regards to who he is bringing into his child’s life
Story of my life. Get a custody order. Add no disparaging of the other parent. Be specific on your wants.
So I’ve been through the same. He left when I was 4 months pregnant. And most times he is decent with me but I learned the more I communicate with him the more disrespectful he is with me. It was like a light switch. All good than all of a sudden he’d start getting nasty and hateful. I never played into his evilness and I would just ignore and not let him know I was bothered by his words. This went on for 2.5 years. Fast forward to now… I will not answer his texts unless my new husband is included on the text thread. Ex was always so quick to bully me and be hateful for no reason and now that I have a man to stand up for me it has stopped.
So my advice. When you communicate with him… think 100x over what you are saying/texting. Do not say more than what is needed and keep all communication strictly about child. You pretty much have to “pacify” him in regards to how you talk with him. Always be the better person. Keep it classy.
Girl i have dealt with the same shit for 13 years, i know exactly how you feel. Best of luck
Here’s the thing, keep being the non toxic parent!! Don’t fight with him even when you want to. Ultimately the child grows up and they always know who was there and who was the problem all on their own. Unfortunately you can’t keep your child away from every bad thing in their life, all you can do is direct your child to be a good person by your example…
Joint custody means the child has 2 homes. There are different rules and customs. As long as my kids were not abused, what went on in the other place was not my concern. However, disrespect of the other parent is NOT ok. In my case I was not hyper about cleanliness. Normal caution was all I required but I was attacked for not being OCD. I had animals, the kids had animals, we played in dirt etc. I ignored the criticisms but if I was personally attacked, I wld calmly say "would you like the lawyers brought in? If that didn’t cool it, I wld call whatever legal dept was needed, get their assessment, repeat it and give the phone number so it cld be checked on. Usually that was all that was needed to stop the threats. I followed it up with a letter to the office, what I was told, who said it and a date. You can show a pattern of the abuse, how often it occurred and who was doing it. Takes time but worth it.
My ex is exactly the same. It’s been a long road, but I’ve realised that actually, I dont care what he thinks. My family reassure me that I’m a good mum/good person. He is literally the only person who ever says nasty things to/about me. So hes clearly wrong. I just ignore his crap now.
Ive hard when they say things in front of your child, and honestly, that’s a hurdle I’ve never managed to pass. But trust me, hes just bitter and childish, ignore his insults and carry in being a mom to your kid.
If he continues to say things in front if the child, I would maybe go to court for some form of help?
Speaking from experience.
A narcissist rarely keeps abuse solely to one person. His behavior is abusive and you obviously cannot co-parent with someone who wants to control you. And if his abusive behavior would carry over to your child, he could be irreparably damaged by that behavior.
As an mother who was not married when your child was born, depending on the state you live in, you may already have default sole legal custody. Unless you have a court document outlining legal custody, placement and visitation rights, then you have the right to say, No. He doesn’t get to keep him overnight.
Now on the other hand if you have a custody arrangement through the court already, then it might be time to file a case to change it. Many courts won’t force you to co-parent with someone who is controlling and refusing to compromise. Sure he can still get visitation, but a moderator, GAL and judge will be there to help you have it on terms where your child is SAFE
Don’t answer his calls, make him text you so you have a paper trail in case he ever goes for custody and, if you haven’t already, go for child support. As for the day to day abuse, sorry you have to go through that
Tell him to leave. And to take his problems with him. You are no longer with him so don’t need the left overs from an argument with his current girlfriend. On those occasions he can not take your son.
Get out of my house or hang up the phone when he starts raising his voice not I’m not about any shit at all I’m cutting you off right here every time
I would take him to court. He cannot especially in front of ur child call u names. Keep copies of every text etc cause u can show the court he is being verbally abusive.
Been going through this for 2 years girl… unless you have proof of him degrading you in front of your son, nothing will be done about it. And if hes willing to cut you up infront of him, its not stop him from saying bad things when it’s just them, but again… Mental and emotional abuse is so lightly taken on in courts… unless CAS is involved. Even a councellor is a hear or say situation and often wont involve themselves in court. The only thing you could do is suggest a talking parents app, though court or mediation, set up soul custody with access to father, or 50/50 whichever you prefer. Ignore the texts, and maybe agree to a 3rd party pick up/drop off to avoid any conflict. This situation is so difficult… and trust me girl ive been in this court process for 2 years
Document it when he’s being verbally abusive and take him to court. There’s no reason to put up with that nonsense.
Not a whole lot YOU can do…it his behavior and no one but him can control it. And unless he is putting the child in danger your pretty much SOL …for a lack of better terms
Nope it’s not just you , I would take him to court and get a visitation order in place . Also it’s against the law to talk down on the other parent I believe .
Set a good example . never put up with the verbal abuse or let your child see it happen …go to court after you have it documented ie recordings or video it with a cam . then have supervised visitation
Get an attorney. NOW!
Document everything he does and get a really good attorney.
You should communicate with him ONLY using this app called TalkingParents. This documents everything, time the messages were sent and read AND they can be used in court just in case you need to go. This will document him speaking to you that way and other things. I had to do this. The parent at first refused to communicate through this website however I forced them by literally not responding to any other form of communication. It is to protect you and collect evidence just in case you ever need it.
You need to wake up!! He is in the process of making you look like an unfit mother so he can take the child away from you!! Do you really want your son being raised by him and another woman? Because that is what will happen if you don’t wake up and go see an attorney and child support. And that poor little one will suffer because of his actions and yours!!
Simply you tell him his behavior is unacceptable and if he CHOOSES to act this way then he needs to leave. You need to take him to court and let a judge decide his financial responsibility and help set rules on your coparenting.
Document everything then take him to court. He is teaching your child this behavior and that is not ok.
From experience… 1. Consult attorney. 2. I’d probably withhold visitation, especially overnight I’d he’s “shackled up” with someone and if you are too… Don’t be. 3. Get a mini tape recorder that is voice activated and take it with you to every exchange. (Of course recording laws vary by state so check that). Also, you can download an app that will record all phone calls on your cell as well. 4. Buckle up and get ready for some court battles.
Get a court order that states another woman can’t stay overnight unless they’re married.
I would definately go to court and get a visitation schedule in place also usually courts have parenting programs that you have to go through and some of them are how to co-parent. Here in California there is also a website where you both sign up (court can make you) and all conversations, pictures, etc are through the website. If you ever go to court again the judge can pull up all conversations and read them himself. Usually this makes parents be “Nice” to each other.
2 sides to every coin… you gave your side but what are you not telling?
You want a happy kid, don’t engage in arguements. Be passive aggressive- calls you a bitch, say thank you, calls you a whore, say thank you. Don’t let him know it bothers you and always remain calm in front of your child.
Thank daddy dearest for taking the child for his visit and toddle off. What happens at daddys place is none of your business.
Document everything. Set boundaries, such as you will not allow him to mentally, emotionally or physically abuse you. If he continues beaing abusive, stop all contact.Document EVERYTHING, so that when (or if) he takes you to court for custody / visitation you have the abuse well documented and get the type of visitation that is best for your child. Here is an app that can help. https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=26289&fbclid=IwAR0wZm5ZlXszP0EcX1qHFBPYYuu1thZlo3uULty-rJJIl6Ok2yWE6IPgd8c
Tell him to stop or you’ll end his parental rights. That will stop him or make it worse…either way if it gets worse it was going to anyway
M E D I A T O R
Communication will go through them. You don’t even have to talk until he can be appropriate
You get a court order and you follow it exactly. That’s all. Send a txt with absolutely need to know info and move on. Anything else will only make your life harder
Depends on the state you in
Wether you can get child support and visitation rights
Wat am getting is u have soul custody
You know what kind of man he is cos he left u and your son
And behind your back he is taking him to his woman house.can you answer this truthfully.are you jealous of the new gf
Or you feel wat he is doing is wrong
Definitely not alone. Just continue to act in your child’s best interest. I highly suggest counseling to help deal with your hurt and healthy ways to manage his behavior towards you.
You don’t have too learn too deal with him hun and nope l assure you there are plenty off pigs like your ex around tell him he will have to go through a third party lawyer ect if he doesn’t treat you with some respect