Trigger warning, SA: Where do I go from here?

I’m so pissed at our justice system. One state in particular has failed my daughter miserably. My ex husband admitted to someone that he SA my oldest daughter through out the pretty much the whole marriage. I was told about it and asked my daughter and she confirmed it. She had a 2 hour interview (the detective said it was the longest and most detailed interview he’s seen in a while). This was almost 3 years ago. 2 states were picking up charges, but one state in particular had access to physical evidence. (I left my abusive ex with a backpack for each kid and myself and took a plane back home). All of our belongings were still at my exs house for about a year into the investigation, the detective didn’t even bother with the case, and all of the physical evidence went up in smoke, literally, after he was evicted from the home. The landlord burned everything that was left… OK maybe we’ll recover… nope… just found out the girl he told has died and she was NEVER interviewed by police. So the one and only witness to him actually admitting to it has died. I’m just at a loss about what to do. I called the lead detective on her case in the one state but he hasn’t bothered to contact me either. They are leading the investigation and it’s like I keep hitting a brick wall every time I turn around. Even his own daughter had admitted he done the same to her too, but she now won’t admit to saying it and her family is covering it up too. If anyone has ever been in this type of situation, where do I go from here?


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Where do I go from here?

Your daughter’s testimony should be enough to charge him and take it to trial. His daughter can be subpoenaed and have to show up as a witness too.


Get a hold of that detectives supervisor and explain the situation and ask that the case be reassigned to someone else. No excuse that was not handled and evidence was not collected.


So confused, why was the physical evidence not in the hands of police or was this man never arrested?


You need to contact the DA in the county it happen in and file charges. Then reach out and ask for a advocate and expect people to do thier job . She should be able to testify before a grand jury and get a investigation going . Keep detailed notes and time line , be persistent but not rude , your daughter has rights to be heard .

You have to be her advocate. Don’t give up. Call every single day if you have to, bug the heck out of them, ask for updatea, ask to speak to superiors. Unfortunately you hear so many horror stories and police department not doing enough. It might happen again to someone else if he gets away.


I’m sorry your going through this, the only advice I can give you is to keep pushing, keep ringing and asking questions, keep contacting them. I was SA from the age of 9 right up till I was 18 when I walked out, it was by my so called step father, I tried to talk to my mum so many times but she ignored me each time and told me he would never do that. When I left the house, I went to the police. I had interview after interview, he was questioned by the police. I had my whole family and friends turn their backs on me, I made myself homeless due to it as I just couldn’t stay no longer. After losing everything I have ever known, after losing all my family and friends, after having absolutely nothing, the case was dropped due to not enough evidence. Was my word against his, even though I had bruises all over my body from being beaten my him and my mum. Yes I wish something was done so he can’t do it again, but I got out the situation I was in. When i got myself/my life back on track, when I was in a better head frame, I again went back to the police and a further investigation was done. You just need to keep pushing, keep contacting, don’t ever give up especially when it comes to your children. I’m 31 now, have an 11 year old daughter and am 25 weeks pregnant. It can/will take a hold on her life if she does not address this. I know she may not be at the age where can express herself properly, or she may just well be scared, which is perfectly fine. Just stay by her side, keep listening to her. She may just be too scared to say anything. Also ask if he has had the chance to get into her ear which is why she isn’t wanting to speak up now. She will need a lot of help through this but with the both of you working on it together should help her. She has the help and support she needs from you and other family members and even friends. Having even just that one person will give her some reassurance even if she don’t see it yet. I had no one and it was so damn hard, not being able to talk to no one, not having anyone by my side, it’s the most daunting time of your life. Just make sure she knows that you are there for her always and you will help her through this is any way that she wants. Don’t push her to do something she isn’t willing or wanting to face. She could well be backtracking now cos its all become real, many people are involved and that’s when it becomes real. She might be struggling with it all.

Call every day, ask to talk to the detective’s supervisor, if you still don’t get answers contact the mayor in the city that is leading the case. Contact the other police department and talk to the supervisor there, let them know that the other state hasn’t done anything and see if they would be able to take over the case. Threaten both departments that you will get the news involved (this is what I finally did that got my daughter’s abuser charged). Just stay strong and keep on both departments every day until they get things straightened out.

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I would get the news involved depending on what your daughter is comfortable with.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family


First of all I’m very very sorry to you both and I know exactly how hard what you’re going through rn is and what a long, hard road you have ahead of you both💔 I want to first offer that you are Welcome to pm me and keep my info if you’d like to talk further about anything I learned from our own experience with something similar but also just if you need to talk bc I know how many days I struggled and not having any kind of support system throughout a fight like the one you’ve got ahead of you otherwise you could lose your mind and I have. So firstly call both states and speak with the detectives supervisor first but then go right to the next up and the next and the next, and go as far as they’ll let you! Then call your attorney General in both states and do the exact same. Look for your local victims of crime justice advocacy center or something equivalent and get closer with both states local groups that defend victims of all circumstances especially with the police. Cases like these prove the corruption in the system and just how unfair it is for some and not others and these places will go HARD AF for you and your daughter just bc they’ve been where you are. Unfortunately all the advice I can give you which sure is a lot, in 7 years it didn’t really help me win a thing in my daughters case either😭 In 2019 i was able to get it reopened after 6 years of no investigation at all, not into the sexual assault or the nepotism involved with her rapist being related to a narcotics detective who is known as a predator himself and they let that man totally wreck the narrative of this case from day 1🙄 A grand jury indicted on rape in less than 10 mins uninanimously i might add but yet the prosecutors office dropped the case on the exact same bs narrative that detective started 6 years before and never even recharged with something lesser😒 6 years i dealt with all this bs and ultimately for nothing💔 Put us all through even more rather than just learning to live with it which is exactly wtf I had to do anyway. Which brings me to my next bit of advice which is secure Therapy asap, for her, for you, for your family as a whole and any other kids in your family. It may sound extra but trust me when she hits 13 and exhibits Oppositional Defiance Disorder And refuses to do single thing another person tells her bc she is determined to prove anyone and everyone wrong, you’ll wish you had! Support groups can be helpful as well but also just support for you and her and your family through this straight h*** you’re going to experience for who knows how long bc you can and will get exhausted doing it on your own with no one behind you. Lastly, adjusting your expectations and preparing yourself for even the worst case scenario will help you not to lose your mind if it does go poorly. A friend went through something very similar to your story and the father was given gd probation and las Vegas was fighting so hard behind her but unfortunately we’re in Cleve oh and our sex crimes unit is literally the worst and is still being investigated to this day bc they just don’t work for our ppl here and haven’t in decades😢 Just know going into this that our system is not “fair” and no matter how hard you fight neither of you may ever see “justice” in your terms but teaching her to move past being a victim of her circumstances and telling her story on her terms and become a SURVIVOR instead💪 Oh I can also ask my friend some details about doing her case interstate bc I’m quite sure there are some big differences, I changed counties and got a whole different level of treatment so I can imagine being in a state that is behind you too. Anything I can do or answer or whatever please lmk love and good luck to you and your baby

Honestly …leave it. Take care of your child. She need counseling and alot of it. He won’t change , it will catch up to him … they basically USE the kids in the interview …that should had been enough


Call every day. Like every single day. Annoy the police until they do their job. Also, open a lawsuit against the public. Once they see how far you’re willing to go for justice they’ll put more effort into the investigation.


Stop focusing on him and focus on her, get her help.


Less than 3% who are charged are jailed. Unlikely he will serve any time. Stop chasing that. Take care of your daughter. Make sure she gets the time, care and space to heal. You cannot undue what has been done, but she can get past it.


As a childhood sa survivor, I’ve spent my whole life looking over my shoulder and scared they would come back. Please DON’T listen to these horrible ppl and follow thru with charging him. Please don’t give up. Put her in therapy too


My response is probably not what you are looking for… leave it alone that is not going to help your daughter get through it. As a matter of fact it will do more harm. Take care of her get her therapy and he will get his. People get what they put out and people get what they deserve :100: Prayers for healing :pray::pray::pray:


Make more noise mama don’t give up contact the media contact the ombudsman anyone who will listen and make them investigate properly!


All the people saying leave it alone and take care of your daughter… I wonder if anyone is aware of multitasking?
Push to Persecute this motherfkr AND get your daughter the help she needs. :roll_eyes: do NOT let it go.
Because obviously now he knows he can do this shit and get away with it. He needs to be stopped.

Take justice into your hands is what I would’ve did from the start he’ll know abuse after I get done with him :woman_shrugging:t4:


Have you asked your daughter what she wants to do? Unfortunately, in situations like these, people never stop to think about what the victim wants. Maybe you need to start there and revisit your options after having a serious conversation with her.
I don’t think he should get away with it, and do think he needs to be stopped…but as a victim of SA from a very young age, I can honestly say that baby needs help in the worst possible way and her welfare has to be priority. Get her help, I beg you


God will take care of him in the end. Focus on you and your daughter living your best life after escaping that. However, warn any future girlfriends of your exes if they have children.

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Get the meanest lawyer you can find, contact every single SA survivor advocacy group in your state and the other state and go to war. Plain and simple. Don’t let them ignore your daughter and don’t leave that man out in the streets with a clean name.


I am a survivor of child sexual assault. Focus more on the child and her needs instead of an investigation. I always felt ignored unless someone was probing me or drs asking 1000 questions. In all actuality. There is no justice. There is just us … to pick up the pieces.


As a childhood victim of SA by a family member that continued for many years into my teenage years…. I wish I had gotten justice or at least made him face up to what he did legally. I didn’t tell anyone although some had their suspicions, I denied denied denied until I was an adult who had several years of instability, drug abuse and mental suffering, mental health issues…… I kept my mouth shut to protect my family and not hurt anyone I loved but it did a lot of damage to me, ALOT! It got to where I Couldn’t do anything but think about it as he lived his life normally and I suffered through mine. By the time I was ready to come forward, it had been past the statute of limitations to have him charged. I confronted the SOB, he is much older now, he was already older when it happened, but he is much much older now, he said due to his age he just couldn’t remember all of the details but he did admit it to my grandmother, his sister he just said that it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to seem and that I had exaggerated and told her a mild watered down version of what really went on all of those years…. As soon as he realized that he admitted to thing, he rushed right to an attorneys office to get guidance on how to Proceed, what to say and to ensure that he couldn’t be charged. If that doesn’t admit guilt I don’t know what does, I wish I had gone to the police back then. He always told me that since my grandad wasn’t in good health and had a bad heart that it would probably kill him if I told and then it would be my fault that he passed away, he put that guilt on me at 9 years old, I remember it like it was yesterday. It all started when I was 7, strayed the day of my great-grandfathers funeral (his and my grandmothers father) and I started my period the next week. It was just assumed that I was an early maturing girl, and for those who don’t know my story or my history, they think that all of my fertility issues were just due to maturing early and having endometriosis, but in all actuality I had lots of built up scar tissue and had pelvic inflammatory disease from early on and my female organs were just highly damaged and I was ovulating and suffering from endometriosis, horrible cramps and pain, depression and anxiety and lots of cysts on my ovaries that resulted in hospital stays and surgeries. I eventually had to have my right ovary removed due to it all. My point in all of this is, I was damaged in a lot of ways and I internalized and turned to drugs bc I never felt like I mattered. I tried justifying it and making excuses for him but there aren’t any. I wish I would have come forward and I wish I would have gotten Justine for myself and my sanity. Thankfully after years of therapy and treatment, I’m a happy wife, mother of 2 soon to be 3 children and I’m a recovering addict, been sober for 4 years. But it took a lot of work to heal, a lot, and a lot of time and support . My story is just one of many and just one of the ways it can turn out…. But if you bear anything, don’t drop this, push and push and push until the pervert is brought publicly to justice. He may not serve time but everyone will know and that may just save another girl down the road. My only other regret is not stopping it by having him arrested and charged in an attempt to keep another girl from going through what I did. Hugs to you and her momma!


Some people never get charged for any kind of assault or violence. Prepare for the worst hope for the best and try.

Call Steve Wilkos show. Get the publicity…that will get them moving.


Contact Bikers against abuse


Make noise. Contact the news, Put the detectives on blast, share your story as painful as it is :pleading_face::sparkling_heart:

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Be there for her momma. Most of these awful people never get held accountable. I went to hope house I told my story I was a kid and was afraid to talk to the male detective on my case and because I was afraid to talk to him he closed my abuser was never charged just moved to a new state and got married. Just take care of her. Get her help and protect her the best you can from here on out. He will get his one day… I know exactly where my abuser lives… stay strong for her

I’d find lawyer I’d also contact the Media it’s sad to say but he still might not even see a prison cell also get that baby into therapy asap

No advice as my state failed me.

Do not give up. Ever.

Protect your daughter, get her in therapy to process the trauma she has experienced. You get into a support group, a place you can feel heard, understood and receive resources. There are advocacy groups that will help you navigate the legalities .


Sick sick sick If I waited till I was grown to confront a male relative that did this to me I would’ve confronted him with a baseball bat. And I was raped when I was 14 years old by 26-year-old man he was not related to me

I wish I had advice for you. But unfortunately I’m in a similar situation with my daughters. My state has failed them multiple times. With multiple allegations, we are on our third time of dcfs involvement, detectives, GAL and the child’s advocacy center. In Illinois there is something called OIG. They investigate dcfs and detectives. I was told about them a few months ago so I made a report and they are currently investigating. One of my daughters first came out with allegation when she was 5. Most recent allegations 3 months ago. Every time an investigation has been done it has been unfounded due to lack of evidence. Mind you, before my daughters came forward there was another person as a child that had very similar allegations with the same person, which was unfounded due to lack of evidence. So this guy (which is my kids father) has multiple allegations against him but just keeps getting a pass. The justice system is sickening. I want justice for my daughters more than anything and I will keep doing what I can as a mother. So for now there has been no contact for 3 months, I finally got my girls in therapy (it took so long because they’re “dad” was always against it and making a scene) and I am here to listen when they need or want to talk about it. I have contemplated the news but then I think to myself how is that going to effect my girls mentally seeing this all over the tv. They already are suffering mentally and emotionally so I am stuck as well regarding how to move forward. I wish I had advice. Keep doing what you’re doing momma and just continue being there and being her biggest advocate♥️

The sad thing is a lot of times cases like these never end up being taken care of, and the predator doesn’t go to jail. I know it sounds really wild, but if you call the Steve Willis show (if you’re comfortable with that) that will get your case the publicity it deserves and will make people know the real truth of what he’s done


Find some good ole boys to have a talk with him on a back road most don’t take kindly to this garbage


Honestly it’s her word against his at this point and there is a statute of limitation on this I believe it’s 5 years. So if it happened more than 5 years ago there’s nothing you can do. Putting her through a trial could also be traumatizing. As a victim, my perpetrator walked free. Bc my mom didn’t want any me to have to go through it and the guy literally smashed and burned all evidence also. So it was my word against his and it would have been too much for me to go through then him walk free. Focus on your child getting help at this point. Not a drawn out investigation that could cause further damage to your child.


Yes contact the media! Tag news stations. Tag the local police department I would call and leave messages DAILY. If not and he gets to another child that would be terrible !


I’d just take matters into my own hands :woman_shrugging:
You tried to go the right way about it and your daughter was failed. I certainly wouldn’t let it rest when I have other options. And I wouldn’t leave such a perpetrator out in society if I could prevent it :upside_down_face:


does your daughter want to testify in front of him? at this point it becomes about her and how she wants to handle it. his lawyer will grill her and can cause a lot more trauma.

If you pursue try to keep as much of the frustration away from you daughter but mainly worry about her and her needs right now, I’m so sorry but it sounds like all you can do now is take care of your baby and get her some help.

I would think that you need to hire a lawyer to make moves for you in the judicial system. They pull strings that we cannot. Have him court ordered to take a lie detector test and your daughter as well

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You take your kids into hiding for five years, become a group of bad ass assasins and take that motherfucker out!!! In all seriousness though… make some noise until someone does something about your situation.

This is y parents take matters into their own hands. This bullshit right here. I’m surprised this momma hasn’t taken a Louisville to his fucking kneecaps. I hope with everything this gets worked out for ur daughter. For her to know the law failed her is absolutely sickening. Poor girl.

I had something similar happen. My ex husband got away with it.

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Honestly? With the threshold for conviction being “beyond reasonable doubt” and any and all evidence having been destroyed, the best you can do is get your daughter into therapy and help her heal from the trauma. This guy is not going to be convicted.


Contact your local bike group! I know it might not be the justice you want but they will handle it enough to make sure that Piece of shit doesn’t walk about the streets acting like he didn’t do a damn thing!

FIGHT until you get the justice your baby deserves! Hire a lawyer do what you have to do! That miserable SOB don’t deserve to live in society!!

Jeezus! I am so sorry.

Before you even think about contemplating taking the advise of any of these people who say stop pursuing this and move on, I hope you would consider a pep talk from Oprah and pull up her 2018 golden globes speech about “me too” on youtube, its very inspirational

We went through a similar situation. My ex abused his niece. You need so be a squeaky wheel and press on. If your daughter wants to press charges she needs to stick with it. Eventually the DA will take it on and move forward. It took about 2 1/2 years for justice to be served though. We fought through red tap and continued to contact everyone involved as much as possible to move the case forward. So as hard as it his…Fight through the frustration and keep up the fight my friend. It’ll be worth it in the end. Your daughter deserves justice :heart:

I went through 11 years of everyday SA by my step father from age 6-18. I went through years of court and trauma and counselling during it and he got away with everything because they said I should have spoken up sooner than when I was a full grown legal adult and they didn’t understand why I stayed living under his roof while it was happening.

Also the only key evidence I had was on a laptop that my ex kept and she told me she didn’t have it and I found out she sold it for drugs while I was having my court trial (while I was still with her, mind you)

Court systems are f****d. So many idiots get away with everything. I didn’t even speak up for the sake of myself. I done it to protect other little girls so he wouldn’t have the chance to do it again.