*Trigger warning: Sexual abuse* Advice on getting my child back?

Hi there, is there such thing as winning your child back. My son is 11. I was in an abusive, toxic relationship with his dad till he was 8. I decided enough was enough I walked away. Never looked back on the best decision ever. Shortly after the breakup, my son was molested by his father’s stepson for months, and his father and his new wife knew and hid it from me till something told my heart to check on my son and ask him questions one day I did and all hell broke loose. A mother’s love and intuition I’ve never felt something quite like that day. I fought hard for my son in court and eventually won enough to keep the stepson away for good. Fast forward the bs his dad put me through for protecting my son. He now has almost fully brainwashed my son to believe I am useless to the point where my son talks back to me, calls me names, disrespects whomever he pleases, messes up in school. I taught my son how to pee, tie his sneakers, read and write, cook, clean, and wash his clothes within reason for his age. His father has him convinced I want him to grow up too fast and calls him a little boy and now my son says I don’t have to go this. I’m a little kid. I’m not your slave. I never fully recovered from my son being molested and me feeling like I failed to protect him. I am less than half the person I was before I found out, I am angry, I am lost, I am hurt, my son who I’ve raised and was amazing was hurt requires extensive therapy, is confused about love and affection. His father wants us back as a family. It will never happen, and he said he’d use my son against me till he can, and it’s working and Idk what to do anymore.


Have you sought counseling for yourself? I highly encourage you to do so as well. Your child has all these feelings on the Inside he doesn’t know how to deal with. You have feelings you dont know how to deal with either you both need to speak to someone that is not bias to this situation.


Well if he saying that he’s doing this to get back to you. and you have proof it’s time to show the courts what he is doing to your sons mind. Another battle to be done in court


I think set aside what’s happened to him he’s 11 and my daughter as been the same with me all part of growing up they are horrible to the ones that protect them the most… I think even if this hadn’t of happened he would still be behaviong in this way with you, good on you for being a mum and recognising that something wasn’t right and you dealt with it correctly don’t beat yourself up over it everything you done is right carry on he will come around eventually xx

Do ALL communication with his dad in writing. I literally had to SHOW my daughter (she was 14 at the time so a little older) what he was saying and doing…BUT I had to wait until all the court and counseling was done. She was LIVID at him. She will be 21 in Dec and talks to me about things that she’d never talk to him about. She treats him more like an acquaintance from a job. The “fan” is welcome to message me directly.

That man needs to stay the hell away from both you and your son. Get a restraining order.


You both need to go to counseling. My daughters were molested by a family member when they were very young I didn’t find out about till they were in their 30s we have been dealing with these for the last 10 years. Please get some counseling

You need counseling.

There is no quick fixes for something like this. Therapy for both you and your son together as well as apart. Document everything, everything.


Am I hearing this right ur ex knew ur son was been abused and done nothing and he STILL sees your son omg


Bravehearts for counselling

He wouldn’t even see his son he failed to protect him it happen in the home of his new family y is there any contact at all.being his father he should have protected from the predator that he brought him around regardless the age.

He is 11 I have a daughter who is 11 I won’t push her to wash her own clothing or anything like that way too young maybe 14-15 yes might be more appropriate for domestic duties all he should be doing is picking up after himself toys dinner plate etc at 11. You need to make sure the stepson is put on the sex offenders register now

He will moleste other kids.

Or name and shame pretty sure someone who knows him will smash the pedo

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All of you need serious family counseling. EVERYONE!

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Seek counseling for yourself u.need it this man has mentally abused.u.to the point.u.believe everything he says and your son needs it too. Go to legal aid seek legal counsel you have a long road a head of you but fight this noone deserves this treatment.eventually u can move on good.luck

Women will us anything to get custody of the kids, Biches money and only money

As a abused child let me tell you … I put my mom through hell!!! Why? Sure part of me was still a teen, a angry teen but because I knew no matter how shitty I was she would never leave me, ever. I was safe with taking it out on her. Fair? No! Heartbreaking? Devastating? Yes. Did overcome it, absolutely. Better and stronger. Its great hes in counseling (though it doesnt work for everyone, myself included) but sounds like you need some for yourself as well. Cant poor from a empty cup

Can you not apply to the courts for no contact with his father as he knew about it and did nothing???

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Get rainstraining order keep him from his dad get him and your self some counseling

Raise one eyebrow. Look your son straight in the eye, and say"That is not acceptable behavior in my home."
Your son is going to love you, no matter what. He may not think so this month. Be calm. Be consistent. Set boundaries so he knows what will happen if he’s rude or disrespectful. Tell him that when he becomes an adult, he can decide how to behave. But while he’s in your care, it’s YOUR rules, mama. I don’t care who they are, all kids need parenting. That includes structure… household rules.
Handwriting is on the wall… the ex needs to remain an ex. Getting back with him would prove a lack of self worth. Be strong. You got this.

It’s time to stop the visits with his dad. Obviously his dad is physco. Not fit to raise or be around a child after he let that happen. Go to family counseling. It helps. Trust me.

Why is your Ex even allowed to visit…he knowingly let his stepson molest your child…something is not adding up…go to court protect your child

Does the father still have some custody rights after hiding what the step son was doing or are you just allowing them to talk?

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Seek legal action towards him.


Sounds like you and him need therapy together and separate.


You and your son need to do family therapy together. There’s a lot that needs addressed.


I don’t have any experience with the sexual abuse but the other stuff is all too familiar and I would bring these things up with someone in counseling or the courts. It is going to be hard to “Win your son back” and it may not happen until he is a fully mature man. His father poisoned him and it’s a shame but the truth can’t be ignored forever unless you give up on communication with your son, which can also mean giving him space to see his father is wrong with his own eyes. XXXOOO I’m so so sorry your son and you are going through this

I don’t understand how the father has any custody when the molesting happened while in his care and the father and his SO knew about this?! Something is seriously fucked up for a judge to not give you sole physical and legal custody… your son needs therapy and he needs it now. Go to court and fight for therapy for him if you can’t get full custody you can at least fight for him to get the help he needs.

Was the stepson prosecuted for the assault??first step is counselling… parenting programmes… parenting when separated programme…

Children lash out where they feel most secure… the child needs love, support, reassurance etc… things will come good in time…


THERAPY ASAP dont give up on him hes prbly broken on inside id push for supervised visits limit exposure to dad


Sounds like you need go back and fight for full custody of your son with supervised visits only with the son. It’s not ok for him to be doing that and is emotional abuse plain and simple also get letters from your son’s therapist supporting your argument and get a protective order against him if he keeps harrassing you. Keep all messages and record of all phone calls time and dates also record the phone calls to use against him


Therapy for both . before things get worse. Then legal action.

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It may not be brainwashing. Your child could be feeling traumatized from the abuse and not realize how hes acting. Therapy is the best way to go!


Don’t give up on your son even though he is pushing you away he doesn’t know anything else. Try to do things that he enjoys even if you do not prefer to do them try to enjoy it for the connection and also have him do the same… basically like trying to get to know each other all over again… counseling can definitely help but it will also make him mad if he doesn’t want to go my 15 year old step-son hates the fact that I make him go to counseling but his mother was an addict and had a lot of people in and out of his life and he is hurt confused and I don’t want any sexual activity to occur with my children

Why the hell is his garbage father still allowed to talk to him?!


See a lawyer. Find out if you telling the judge all that has happened will give him none or unsupervised visitation. Good luck, keep loving your son but please you and him need therapy, and maybe even all 3 of you. God bless


Your son needs therapy and it wouldn’t hurt for you to go as well that’s a very traumatic experience to go through. You will be in my prayers.

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I’m sorry to hear what’s happening, his father is turning your son against you. I’d let Child protection services know about what the dad tells your son and let them see how your son treats you. they may help him with therapy. most states will portect a mother and child relationship better then a father and child one. the father is poisoning his mind. or get a restraining order on the boy’s father to keep him away. he’s toxic to you and your son.

also, I know some people don’t want to hear this, but d pank that boy too. he’s disrespecting you and your letting it happen. yes, I get what happened to him when he was younger still hurts you as a mother, but don’t let it defiled your choices.

My older daughter tried disrespecting me in public and i nip it there and then. her father and i aren’t on the best of terms, since he pratically only sees her and gets her for his weekends when it only suits him, he pays nothing in child support.

Just spank his butt, nowhere else tho.

Therapy. Please get him away and don’t take him back .


Dont give up on your son. You two need therapy. So his father knew about it? And let it happen. I would never allow my kids around them. Ever.
You need legal action, need to prosecute the step son and possibly them for hiding it. Get it all on paper.

I would be a complete mess too. And hes coming on his teens. Some of that behavior is typical even though it really really hurts to hear and see.
You need to go get help and be your best you so that you can keep custody and lead a happy life.i cant imagine all the things going through his head right now. He needs guidance. But should never be allowed around that family unsupervised. If it was me… never


Why would your ex cover up something so horrific…
He most probably was abused too and finds nothing wrong… everyone including the step son need therapy!!!


First off you need to screen shot, document document document dates times exactly what was said record phone calls or interaction that supplies your evidence and take you butt to a domestic violence advocate, get therapy for your son and yourself together ( to provide hopefully some healing for the two of you but also proof of the damage being done) and take this ahole back to court or speak with a victim advocate?


How old is your son? And how often does he see his dad?

Sounds par for the age with the attitude. Just stick to parenting in your home, tell him you love him enough to prepare him to be a functioning adult in this world.

I am confused how did you loose your son in the first place? When you left his father for being abusive did you not take your son with you? I am also confused he has a new wife but yet he wants you guys back as a family again?


Your son needs some therapy hope you keep fighting for your son

I would go to court and file for full custody if you are able to


My family has been dealing with our oldest being molested/raped for almost 6 years now. It’s a long, fucked up story but the gist of it is her rapist is related to a Cleveland narcotics detective and connections like that go much farther than I ever imagined until I dealt with this personally, unfortunately​:disappointed_relieved: We are also recovering addicts so they used that against us to the fullest and even now with going on 6 years sober, they STILL TRY TO. But I will tell you… I never gave up on my daughter and/ or her case, no matter how impossible it may have felt at times. And today, 6 years after filing the police report for rape, this summer the state FINALLY picked up charges against her rapist!:pray: We lost a lot while fighting this, and I still struggle with A LOT of paranoia and anxiety/ depression because of how everything happened but I still wouldn’t change it. We may not even win this case but I can always tell my baby with confidence that I truly did fight AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY COULD FOR HER!:100: And I think that’s what’s most important at the end of the day, we can’t give up on them! We struggle with a lot of behavioral and emotional issues on her end and it’s all deeply related to what he did to her, but therapy CAN WORK! It’s not magic and there’s no guarantee, but with stuff like this, it’s almost your ONLY option to heal​:sleepy: I also fully recognize what you said about not being yourself since you found out about your son being abused, and I’ll tell you… You will probably NEVER, EVER be that person again, unfortunately​:sob::sob::sob: I KNOW I’ve changed and I’m not always even sure I feel the changes I see are for the better, but this trauma happened to y’all… there’s no going back now, sadly. You should also seek therapy individually and your son as well, then you both do family therapy also. It’s a lot of work, and sometimes I feel like counseling is all we fucking do​:flushed::woman_facepalming::roll_eyes: but I definitely do see improvements, 6 years later. But with every improvement you may make, puberty is also creeping up and other, new, issues come to light in its place​:woman_facepalming::woman_shrugging: So it’s really a never ending battle, but YOUR BABY IS WORTH THAT FIGHT MAMA!:100::heartpulse::revolving_hearts::heart_eyes: If you EVER need or want to talk, please pm me and I’ll send you my number? You’ll never make out through this alone, so let it put where and when you can, and not many ppl can understand our struggles because until you’ve dealt with this yourself it’s damn near impossible to understand, even if they really are trying very hard to empathize, they just don’t get it and you feel that​:sleepy: Also there are resources out there for victims and their families, don’t hesitate to use anything that can benefit your healing processes. Good luck love, I hope to hear from you! :revolving_hearts::heartpulse:

Your son is acting out toward you because you are his safety net. He knows no matter what you will always love him.


Keep fighting for your son.Don’t let his father using your child as trick to get yall together.You’re good as a mother and don’t stop fighting for him

Go to court! Call a social worker, let them know about his threats, your son needs you and needs to stay away from those people. Just keep being the great mom it sounds like you are and counseling for your son.

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Document EVERYTHING! I would seek a therapist for yourself and one for your son. Then eventually maybe you and your son could see one together. Give him time. I’m so sorry that happened. :broken_heart:

So sorry that your going through this. Please heed what people are saying to you. Very good advice. Therapy is a must for you and son. Go even if you have to go by yourself.

It sounds like your ex is using your son to control you manipulate you and force you into the same toxic abusive relationship that you left. In reality the toxic relationship never stopped it just continued through your son. I don’t know why this man still has custody if assuming everything you posted on here is true. He should have lost custody a long time ago. I don’t know why you don’t have full custody and a restraining order against your ex if you are a victim in this whole situation. The only thing you can do is take things back to court I’m trying to get your son full time.

I’m confused as to how his father has any rights to him after knowingly allowing him to be sexually abused and doing nothing to stop it?


Go to therapy Now. He needs to deal with the sexual abuse before his father convinces him it didn’t happen. You to need to get back on track. School may step in and call someone if he keep messing up there you need to be proactive.

Take him back to court for full custody.

get him and yourself in therapy and also go to court

Okay first you have to be super strong don’t show any weakness don’t show any tears and don’t show Sandy sadness when he says something negative turn it into a positive if he says he hates you you tell him you love him even more that you’re never ever going to give up on him no matter what he says or what he does you’re never going to give up on him tell him everyday and I know you do that you love him more than anything let him know you know what’s happened to him and that this has confused him but you’re going to be there for him always and yes I would seek some other help as well through the school therapy he’s going to need it he said something tragic happen to him and he’s having a lot of confusion over it just stand strong mom stand strong

Your son knows that you love him, he’s testing you… Keep being the strong parent…when he’s disrespectful and talking back ask him why does he feel the need to do that to you…Get to the root of the problem…He’s not mad at you it’s the situation,your like his whipping post…Good luck…and just pray for him…,