I recently found out a family member SA several girls in his family when they were young (they are guessing 5-ish). He has relations to us by a family member’s marriage to him.The step mom gave me the heads up as she was suspecting his family will cover it up/hush it. She knows I have young ones that have contact with him.
Being confronted with this news gave me chills. My family member that is married to him mentioned to me not long ago that he said my daughter is very “touchy” with him and it makes him feel uncomfortable sometimes. My daughter is a very affectionate child. She doesn’t shy away from giving hugs and sitting on laps of people she likes. Hearing that made me feel a certain way that I had to have a discussion with my husband about my daughter’s show of affection. Now in hindsight, I feel incredibly uncomfortable that he took her innocent actions in any other way than that.
The step mother gave me the permission to do whatever I need to do with the information she gave me. I have not told my family member that is married to him what I have been told.
I have ptsd from multiple childhood traumas… when I had my daughter, so much surfaced that I had to seek therapy. This is weighing so much on me… All I can think is that I need to protect my daughter from the experiences I unfortunately had to endure.
I’d like to ask if there is any resources I can seek- like therapists- to get more informed on how to protect my daughter. I don’t think anything has happened… my daughter is familiar with her body anatomy and she only allows select few to even help her going to the restroom.
Any insights will greatly be appreciated. I need to be more informed and knowledgeable in this situation for my girl.
First I want to say how proud I am of you for making it through and seeking help for your traumas, also, you’re an amazing momma to do whatever you can to keep your baby safe. I would talk to your therapist about resources on how to teach your girl about these things in an age appropriate manner and also avoid any contact with this family member permanently. Best of luck to you!! You’re doing great momma
No more contact with that family member or the pervy significant other. And talk to your child about secrets and surprises and how no one should ever ask/tell them to keep a secret from you
Sorry but we live in a mess up world and you child needs to understand that she can’t sit on peoples lap or be hugging people. You can not trust people these say. Even tho she is innocent about it, you need to protect her. I would not continue having contact with that person and avoid “family gathers” if he going to be present.
I would definitely pass this information on to anyone else in or close to that part of the family with children… I would also inform his wife, hopefully she already knows though.
It’s sad we live in a world that children aren’t safe. I think you’re doing great. I’m glad you’re proactive, your right it’s never a child’s fault for touch or hugs inappropriately. I’d definitely stay away from pervy.
Ask your ped for a recommendation for a therapist. Get your daughter into therapy to make sure nothing has happened & that she learns when & who is appropriate to touch her etc. I too have affectionate children. I’m like crazy about who they hug. I’ve been called over protective, a snob, told even by strangers that it’s ok etc. Don’t let it bother you. Keep her away from that person.
Also the step mother doesn’t need to give you permission to do whatever with the info she gave you. Protect your daughter no matter what others think.
Why has no one else said to turn in the predator??? The ultimate protection would be eliminate the problem… those creeps work on opportunity!! If he can’t get it from one he’ll move to another target… that is a very serious issue and it should be brought up to his wife… get justice for his victims…
Get your child away and find out if he’s done anything to her
Honestly sounds to me like he’s already makin up a cover story sayin she’s touchy feely.
It’s as if if anything comes out he can say oh sure I already said she was touchy feely
When sexual abuse happens it’s is usually someone close, someone they are supposed to trust. Keep your daughter far away from this person, if you have to be around them, keep your daughter in your sight. Also have the talk about touching, secrets etc. It’s a scary world out there. Not everyone has good intentions.
First off I’d most certainly keep her away from him. Second I’d need to talk to him and that family member keep in mind ppl can just as easily lie if this is someone you previously trusted then before you make life altering moves I think this person and family member should be talked to first give them both a chance to talk there clearly is no excuse or reasoning if this happened. Keep in mind someone could get mad at you and say the same thing just as easily it doesn’t make it true. I’d take no chances with my child what so ever but I wouldn’t go telling everyone something so terrible about someone without doing my own research first and speaking to the person(s) in question.
First, go to your local Children’s Advocacy center. Ask for a forensic interview.
The purpose of this is to have your child speak with someone who is trained how to ask children specific questions about possible SA.
If the forensic interview brings anything to light, then and ONLY THEN would I consider therapy and other forms of medical care.
Find out if something actually happened.
Keep your daughter away from her and if you have to be around them which you really dont but i would also tell that person that you know and they are to stay away from your daughter or you’ll destroy them very fast.
I would say turn them in but the victims might not be ready for what that will unleash.
Dont know where you are situated but my first stop would be the local police station. They have specially trained officers that can question your child through play…anatomically correct dolls etc…
I think its only fair to tell your relative what you have been told…quietly & calmly…they may have children or be around children on a regular basis and I suppose it could be false info but its always better to be safe than sorry.
Has your child ever complained about this person ?
Some men do feel uncomfortable with children being affectionate but I find that strange in a family situation tbh
No matter who falls out with you…you must protect your child. If that means keeping your distance then thats what you do.
Like an alchoholic needs to stay away from alcohol, even is social situations. Pedophiles need to stay away from children. The fact they told you your daughters innocent actions are triggering is a good thing. It isn’t what she did is wrong, it is that he may react badly to it. Perhaps teach your daughter to ask before she climbs in laps or is affectionate with someone. Not everyone is welcoming even if they aren’t a pedophile.
As someone who suffered so much from childhood SA If I ever find out someone is like that. I cut them out immediately! I do not care who it is to us. As a parent it is my job to not invited trauma to my boys as much as possible. I will never think Those people change that thinking is hardwire into them unfortunately.
Just gotta pop in with a comment.
How dare that sick f$%@ make a childs innocent and loving actions like hugs into something almost sexual. Like its HER fault he had improper feelings about a child.
Thats a no for me. Keep your baby away for ever!!! Its our job as mothers to protect our babies. Tell his wife. Confront the sick fuck. Call the cops. End this shit for any other innocent babies that might find thier way across his path
Stop the contact with this individual. Just stop. You don’t need any excuses to keep your children safe. If he’s there you and your children aren’t that’s all. I did this and prevented my children from surviving what I went through. Next stop is discuss with your child’s pediatrician and I would personally insist on a full exam physical and mental by those trained for her.
Yeah, I simply would never let him anywhere near my children again. And as for her, I’d just have a age appropriate conversation about what’s okay and what’s not and that if anything happens she can trust mommy and tell mommy no matter what.
Don’t hesitate or be afraid to hurt people’s feelings. You need to be your child’s protector and champion, regardless of what family members or friends turn on you.
You must do four your child what you wish had been done for you to protect you when you were the vulnerable one. If your child is precious to you, be their hero.
Getting help for your trauma is not weakness it takes strength to admit that you need help. And you do need help. Thinking you should be able to overcome things like this because you’re a responsible adult, isn’t the answer, because what happened to you happened to a younger, more vulnerable you. That vulnerable young person inside that is still hurting needs a comforting/ trusted heart to help address and heal the pain. Because in order to be your child’s best protector and caretaker, you need to protect and take care of yourself first.
Find some place like first step for your daughter, get her a good therapist. I was molested and it was very helpful to be around girls you experienced the same trauma.
#1 Thank the step mother for telling you! I would say the step mother knows a lot more. The family member that’s married to him would know everything I know! My child would not have contact with him. if that family member gets mad so be it you are protecting your child!! You need to let the cat out of the bag!! How many other children come in contact with this pos? Apparently the step mom is trying to save the children by telling what he is capable of doing!!! Don’t keep the secret!!! Tell what has gone on save innocent children!!!
Having been the victim of molestation, and had my family totally cover it up, I implore you to call the authorities and have them investigate. Then keep your precious daughter the hell away from that family member!
Unlike addictions, pedophilia is a psycho-sexual preference therefore not something you can re-hab out of someone, in other words an alcoholic or drug addict can be reformed in time, but a pedophile can go dormant at best, please exhibit caution with your daughter in regards to “him”
You dont need any information but do what a good mama does and hold it down! 1. Remove them from your life point blank! Family and all! 2. Start paying attention to her emotionally, her ways, and gestures just to see if you feel anything has happened. 3. Pray pray pray that this man seeks therapy and the devil loses his grip on him!
Please talk to your daughter. Pedophiles have ways to make little ones feel as though nothing wrong is happening. Idk how old your daughter is, but you have got to talk to her!!!
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this . I had to go through this with my daughter when she was 4. I would be taking this information you have and letting everybody know. This happens to so many children because it is such a taboo subject and people don’t want to talk about it. If anything happened to your daughter chances are the piece of sh*t told her not to tell or even may have threatened her. I would definitely be going to the police with the information and allow them to connect you to a detective or counselor that knows how to talk to children that have been SA. I will be praying for you and your family. I pray the truth prevails in this situation and justice is found for the girls who have all ready been victims.
That’s disgusting he’d look at a child’s actions in a sexual way. That is YOUR red flag that something is wrong with him. He thinks she’s favoring him? I can see him saying “she wanted it though, look at all the signs she gave me!”. Remove, block, move on, enroll look back.
Just keep her away from this person period no question no reason to even put your baby in a situation if there’s even a small chance she could be a victim
That guy needs to be outed and not allowed around another child again. That’s disgusting. He’s a predator but your CHILDS actions are making him uncomfortable? That’s gross
There’s really nothing to think about except call the Police make a report and tell them to INVESTIGATE b4 he does something Again, and the step mom should of called the cops back then
Yes, there are tons of resources. ANY interaction between this person and your daughter is unnecessary and avoidable. Please give yourself permission to protect her at the expense of reputation, family, comfort, etc.
Don’t attend family functions that he’s at. I don’t know you family so I don’t know if you’ll be alienated or not if you tell people the info. Quit frankly, I think you should just to see. I wouldnt want to hang around people will protect a p3do. Its happened in my family and they allowed the abuser around the kids he abused. the kids he abused were older than me and ‘‘abused’’ me, too. I dont hold it against them because we were all just kids.He is the evil pos that caused it.
You need to do more with this information than just protect your daughter. I know as parents that our instincts are to protect our children above all else, and you definitely should. Talk to her and see about a therapist. But you also need to report this to the police. I wouldn’t give two shits about how the family member that is married to him feels, we need to protect our children. All of them, not just the ones that belong to us individually.
My question is why has no one called the authorities? Why has step mommy not done anything but spread the info around? Keep your child away from this person regardless of if it is true or not until you get to the truth of the matter.
Therapists? No you dont need a therapist to tell you to keep your child away from said person. Call the authorities. Call social services.
Have your daughter checked by a doctor and have a counselor talk to her (they know how to get answers from a child without having to ask any direct questions). It sounds to me as if the perpetrator has planted the idea into your family members head that it would be the child’s fault if he assaults her. DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO TELL YOU THAT!! I know someone who was a child molester and that person tried to turn it all around onto the victim and said that it was because she had large breasts. Don’t fall for it. Adults are not to touch a child inappropriately.
I’m very happy that she is well in tune with her body for a young girl. Just teach her that no one is allowed to touch her private parts and to also teach her the correct words for her body (I’ve heard stories where a child testimony in court is dismissed or not used because the child had names like lollipop, cookie or other “cutesy” names for genitalia). And try to tell her that you and dad (if she is comfortable with dad) are there to talk and she won’t be in trouble if she needs to tell on an adult for doing something bad/wrong (just leave it at bad or something. Try not to elaborate too much unless she hints at it first).
Don’t leave her alone with him, try (as hard as it will be) to not let her give hugs or sit on his lap, this is awful and I’m so sorry you have this stress
Id call your local cps.dept.they can prob.file a report for the other kids,will question yours but youll get referals to counceler etc.and rather quickly.
Dont take ur kids around him anymore for any reason. We cut off alot of my husband’s ex in laws due to being told about how they touched kids and the family always covers it up. They have even tried covering up the fact his ex wife is now a sex offender for grooming a minor and molesting kids, her brother is doing 18yrs for molesting a child and it was his 3rd offense. They condone it all.
I’d confront everyone about this …… everyone who has children in contact with him needs to know …I wouldn’t care about the family memebers trying to hush it there just as bad. I would happily do 25 years if my child was sa and couldnt live a full happy life knowing that person was still out there
Rape crisis holds local support groups, though they are truly my least favorite resource from my experience but my story is different from a lot of others so I have heard good things too. I feel like being around others who have been through what you have Really helps. Some will be more healed than you and you can learn from them while others will be less and you can benefit from helping them.
Understand there is nothing you can teach her to KEEP it from happening. Predators are cunning and good at convincing informed children to push away that knowledge. How you keep her safe is never letting him anywhere near her. Not just “not alone”. There is no adult that you should ever be worried about offending when it comes to protecting your child.
Young girls shouldn’t sit on men’s laps anyways. My kids don’t even sit directly on their dad’s lap after a certain age so let alone someone else’s. That’s just how I was brought up. Don’t ever leave her unattended with him EVER!
So just imo don’t no little girls should be sitting in a mans lap that isn’t their father secondly. I would definitely have to have this discussion with the wife and my child would have to understand it’s alright to speak but the extras is not allowed . Protect ur child at all cost .
Protect the children and expose the villain. When my mom found out about the abuse I was going through she had a “talk” with me and basically said it was “hurting” people when it was my older cousin and another older boy doing it. Traumatized was an understatement. There was no doctor check, no therapy just told me it was my fault and brushed it under the rug. I will never be okay because of it. I have healed tremendously, however I want my daughter to have a child hood she doesn’t have to heal from. PROTECT THE BABIES AT ALL COSTS no matter who’s feelings you hurt. also predators will touch your children in front of your face not just behind your back. Because who would ever think they would do it in plain site right?
He made mention that she made him uncomfortable as a way to cover his butt in case people found out about him. It’d be like an alibi.
“I couldn’t have touched so and so, remember when I told you xyz made me feel uncomfortable? Would I have done that if I were a predator?”
Tell the world. Tell the family members. Tell the neighbors. Why are you keeping it hush hush. Tattoo child molester on his damn forehead as he sleeps. Not all lives matter
Are the allegations proven? And was he also 5 at the time? You need to find out more before you just go about blasting this person. If things are found true than your daughter she never be allowed unsupervised around him and your family members should be told. I know waaaay too many people who are accused of doing stuff they didn’t because Unfortunately there’s very shitty women in this world who are vindictive.
And just like children are taught good touch bad touch unto themselves they also need to understand personal space. Your child should not think its acceptable to just climb into peoples laps. Yes she’s innocent but not everyone in this world wants other people’s kids (especially not blood related) invading their space…unless your child is under 2 that is still a baby and doesn’t have any understanding of the concept.
Everyone in your family/circle that has contact with him and has children needs to know for their safety, you will regret if another child falls victim after you knew what you now know, let the family member know that you know as well and do not take your child near this predator
First step is to find out if it is actually true. Be forward and explain the information that had been given to you and you would like the utmost truth. It could very well not be true if they had a falling out and she could just be spreading rumours. And if it is false then that could be heartbreaking for him. If it is true, then maybe let them know the reason why you will be stopping your child/ren from being around him and that you are doing it as a parent to protect them. Be honest with him because otherwise when you just ghost them they will want to know why.
Looks like step mom wants you to be the bad guy in my opinion.
If she’s the first to know then she should do what’s suppose to be done and that is tell you and for her to tell the cops. Yes you can tell whoever and keep your kids safe but to me it sounds like some shit my family would do and then make it so your the bad guy cause you pitted him first.
But keep your kids safe and find out the truth before ruining someone’s life.
Coming from a SA survivor by my own family member (cousin)
I also know someone who never touched a “said girl” and the mom just wanted revenge. Til in the end it came out she was told to lie.
Don’t let him around your children, these people never change, they do get sneakier. (My experience)
You can speak to your family member that is married to him (she probably will be mad, ignore you etc. ) My experience.
Later she will blame you for knowing but of not telling her (again, my experience).
But by All means, keep your children away, no lap sitting, no hugging, nothing.
Keep her away and inform anyone that has contact with him… You are concerned from what you have heard and your allowed to be concerned you have every right.
Teach your daughter the P.A.N.T.S rule!
P: privates are private;
A :Always remember your body belongs to you;
N: No means no;
T: talk about secrets that upset you and speak up,
S: someone can help.
I would not say anything to your daughter. That will always make her wonder what she did. He is the perv. Don’t let her be around him. If you have to be around him, do not let her be alone with him or sit on his lap.
also predators will touch your children in front of your face not just behind your back. Because who would ever think they would do it in plain site right?