Unable to cope with motherhood

Dear Mamas, I am writing this in utter desperation for words of consolation and wisdom, to know that I am not the only mother to feel this way, and I hope there won’t be any name calling or mudslinging. If you cannot be gentle, kindly refrain from commenting. First I would to like to give a brief idea about my background. I had dated my husband in College and got married to him 6 years later in 2016. We have had our ups and downs, but I have never regretted to have married him, because I think he is the best any girl can ask for. We are both professionals and both of us are following a postgraduate program. Despite our busy schedule we never failed to have fun and frequent vacationing. I am the only child in my family and we are living with my parents till we complete our studies. Due to male factor infertility, following several failed IUIs our first IVF was successful and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a month ago. I had suffered from two brief episodes of depression, once soon after marriage, for which I went to psychiatrist for counseling and medication, which resolved the problem in a month or two. I suffered from a similar episode, which resolved on its own, without medications during my pregnancy. So I assume, these bouts of depression occur when I take up a new responsibility – marriage, pregnancy. And now about my current scenario. I gave birth through a planned C-section. The pregnancy and the delivery were unremarkable. Due to poor latching of the baby, I had to immediately start him on formula and I bottle-feed breast milk. Before we could identify that he is having poor latching is unable to get enough food, the first two days after childbirth was a nightmare, as we didn’t know why he was fussy and having severe episodes of crying. This really made me feel very low and at the same time, I was not able to pump enough BM to exclusively feed him BM. A week after childbirth I started feeling very low and my mind is always congested. My husband practically mothers the baby and my parents help me a lot too. But with the little amount of work I do, I get very exhausted and most of the time, I am irritable and lethargic and crave more sleep. I cuddle my baby, I play with him but I feel that I lack bonding with him. At the back of my mind I have this feeling that I am a terrible mother partly because I am unable to breastfeed him, and partly because of the mixed feelings I have towards the baby. I also miss the old care-free life. I have to get back to work in another 2 weeks. I am really worried that I will not bond with my son. But honestly my husband and I have been looking forward to this baby to start our little family. I would like to know if any of you went through something similar, but have recovered from it. Thanks in advance.

It sounds like you could have postpartum depression. Which is fairly common. I suggest you talk to a Doctor about what you are feeling. But I do want to say I understand where you are coming from and things will get better. Don’t feel guilty for accepting help that is offered. First off, Dad is the parent too so he should be helping (Go Dad!). If your parents are willing to help, you can spare the time to focus on figuring out what’s going on with you and how to handle it. Don’t ignore yourself or feelings because it’ll only delay your healing. Good luck Mom and hang in there!