Uneasy home advice


This is going to be longer than I thought…

It’s been ten years and only for the first 3-4 years of our relationship was I willing and excited to show affection and/or have sex. Nowadays it just feels like a chore. I want him so badly, yet he just “doesn’t do it for me”… I want more and I want different. Fucked up right? How dare I want something different? I was a teenager when we met (18-19) and he was 24-25… our wants and needs continuously change. He holds it against me though. That’s whatever. I love him but I don’t want him. AT ALL. Is he attractive? HELL YEAH! But we no longer have an emotional connection. We have two kids together 5 and 7 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 12 and he has been her “dad” since she was 2 years old. I left for a year and came back, but I honestly felt guilted back…. Because of our children and how off they were being and acting so of course I caved…. He is so manipulative and so narcissistic… I know the signs DAMN WELL, but I can’t resist this fucked up manner so to speak… I have support in all directions. I don’t know what to do. When I left the first time my oldest daughter started resenting me because she didn’t have her own room anymore. And when this toxic ten year relationship guy is around she has her own room. Granted if it wasn’t for me he would not have this house. I’m not trying to boast or gain myself attention, but I’m not kidding. The circumstances that led up to us technically purchasing this house together was all because of me. Because I didn’t have the credit, it’s under his name and I cannot legally claim this house as “mine”.
I know I can’t make everyone happy, I know my kids come first. Absolutely. But when do I get to become happy again… without him? I hate him. I put on a show for my kids because the first time I left for a year they were devastated and acted out soooo so much.
I’m at a loss. I am broken and torn. I wanna give up. My kids are my thriving point. WHAT GIVES?!

My oldest daughter is dealing with newly found depression and anxiety too…. me leaving this man will only trigger that more. And she is borderline suicidal :weary: don’t worry. We are currently and progressively working on her mental health :purple_heart:. She’s not fighting alone.

I just need solid advice without someone bashing me for being a crappy mom. Both me and their dads work full time. Our kids always come first though.

Just looking for other parental guidance. :purple_heart: