My thought is to always tell kids everything, all the time. They understand more than we know and will become resentful when we keep things from them.
2 Likes
I say 8 or 9. Truth always comes out and if they are in their teens then they will take it alot worse but if y’all dont tell them and they find out by someone else that would be really bad.
My son is 8 and started asking at 7 why his last name was different then the rest and asking a lot of questions so I told him and was honest and he understands. So if I were you I would wait till they ask about it.
2 Likes
I honestly wouldn’t say a thing. If they had a father that was involved that would be different but yiu are going to tell them hey I am your daddy yet I am not and then the real dad is a piece of sh*t who isn’t involved. That will make feelings of anger and disappointment when the real dad doesn’t want to be there.
3 Likes
I’m sure I’m in the minority.
Definitely NOT at 4.
At least an older teen.
Is there mom or other family members who will blurt it out for whatever reason ?
Will the sperm donor ever show up ?
If not, I wouldn’t say anything until the child is older teenager.
If then…
Just me.
I personally think sperm donors DONT have rights.
DONT exist.
Should just stay GONE.
2 Likes
Honestly my son is 10 and his bio father hasn’t seen him since he was 7 months old… he doesn’t call I’ve reached out to him a couple times and he wants no contact… I tell my son he is sick I’ll get into the details when he is 16 and really understands the situation…
1 Like
I would tell them when they start to understand more where babies come from…tricky…but really stress that sperm doesn’t make a dad…the one who love and supports them is their mom and dad…if done early enough then they won’t get angry…they will accept as normal…maybe 7… depends on the child…
Maybe get a book to read to them… something on different kinds of family
I told my daughter when she was about 9 years old. It’s going to hurt them no matter when you tell them, so just when you feel like it’s that time and that moment. Their feelings won’t change, you’ll always be the only father they know. Good luck.
Sir, parent of 29 yrs here, I applaud you . You have plenty of time for that TALK , they are 4 they wont have the cognitive abilities understanding the difference between knowing their only DADDY trying to explain what a Biological father is.
3 Likes
The sooner the better! If you start it now and make it just seem like a fact and not really an emotional thing, they won’t know any better and will just accept that it is what it. If you wait till their older and make a big production of it, it will be much more traumatic and effect them more seriously.
I’d wait til they were way older.
They are too young to understand right now. It will come out, but 4 isn’t old enough to understand parental biology… depending on maturity between 8-10 would be better unless there is a reason to earlier
Whenever Ur heart tells U. U will know. It’s never to late and the time will always come. Only thing U can do is prepare for it… good or bad. Ur awesome and they will love U regardless the outcome. No worries U got this! 
2 Likes
I say now start explaining and always be open and honest. That why they dont feel “lied to”
1 Like
My boys know about their sperm donor they unfortunately had to spend time with them once. They gave him that name. But wait until your little can reason and ask questions. About 8 or 9
When they ask about him! Them asking is a sign they are ready, don’t hold anything back!
1 Like
My 4yr old twin neices have never met there sperm donor weve started telling them about him but they arent interested at all so he hasnt been mentioned again.
I’d wait until they start asking about him. Then sit down and have the talk 
1 Like
Have you thought about adopting them? My Dad did me when I was 3. I’m 57 now. He was and will forever be my Daddy.
3 Likes
My cousin is 3 and understands that he’s got a different dad then his brothers. He, at 3, has asked to have his name changed to match the rest of the family…
2 Likes
I dated a guy once who was in a similar situation as your kids. Oddly enough he had a twin sister. Anyway, his non biological dad who raised them waited until they were 18 to tell them. Didnt go very well at all (teenagers can be very dramatic ya know? It’s the hormones I suppose) Maybe tell them as soon as they’re old enough to understand. Then hopefully you can avoid all the teenage angst 
2 Likes
I get that moms say they can’t understand but I’ve always thought that children understand more than we give them credit for.
I care for my nephew. He is three. His father is not in the picture. We’ve told him about his dad since day one. He knows his dads name and has seen his pictures. I keep a picture of mom and dad at my house for him to look at.
No he can’t fully understand the grand scheme of things but he knows who dad is.
When he starts asking questions about where dad is then we’re just going to tell him that sometimes not all people can be good daddies or mommies. And that his daddy wanted to make sure he was very loved and very well taken care of. So that’s why he has mommie, auntie, uncle, grandma and grandpa. To fill him with love and attention. When he gets older we’ll explain the technicalities and if he ever decides to want to search for and reach out to dad then that would be his decision and done on his time frame.
I’m confused
It sounds like op is not their mother so why would they tell her and not her?
I placed a child for adoption. It’s open. I see her a couple times a year. They told her early on. I remember when she was 3 she told me she came from my belly. She was proud to saying it. It didn’t confuse her, she knew who her mom was.
1 Like
I believe sooner would be better,
1 Like
How old are they. Who are you to them etc etc
Not 4… maybe 10 or older
1 Like
I would start young. Now if you think you’re up for it. Children can handle it. They can understand. My daughter is 4 and has for a long while fully understood death, marriage, missing parents, and a lot of other life topics that most people think are too much for kids. I don’t think you’re saving them pain by keeping it from them, and I also think you’re not heaping too much in their shoulders. It’s just a fact of life that they will come to terms with in their own time. But knowing it now just makes it part of them, and finding out later can alter their view of who they thought they were. Be open.
3 Likes
Why? What Would it accomplish?
2 Likes
I was in the 5th grade when my mom told me about my father
Not yet.
Toooo young.
Wait until you realize that they will completely understand.
Probably after about 13
1 Like
I would wait until they’re older and can understand a bit better:)
Around 7-10, whenever they start realizing how babies are made…
Older. My husbands bro is the same, was there befpre the child was born. Is in every aspect the father except the sperm donor. He is 12 and knows now only because the pare ts were divorced and it came out. The dad went to court and got custody even tho the child isn’t bio his.
I would tell them unless they ask but it might confuse them more since their real dad isn’t present and never have been. To me you are the real dad and they don’t need to know any different until much much later on
It kind of depends. If their biological isn’t going to be apart of their lives, I would wait until they’re old enough to understand what it means to be biologically related. If he wants to be apart of their lives, I would do it sooner. That way their questions can be answered and such. 4 is probably too young though, I’d wait until 6 or 7.
i had that talk with my daughter at 4yo cause i moved on from the man that claimed her. she knows she has a bio dad that isnt in her life, when she asked if he loved her i told her that he did just not the same way that she needed to be loved. and that she has her daddy who claimed her before she was even born and loves her very much. and the man that i am with now is her daddy too cause he takes care her and loves her just as much as her daddy. she understood. and when she gets older i will of course give her all the info she needs in an age appropriate way so that shes not hurt as much as she could be, and she knows that every choice i have ever made has been for her and her brother
I don’t think it’s so much how old they are, but how mature they are. If you tell them before they can comprehend it, they will be confused and emotional. But waiting too long, could make them resent you for not telling them. I would say when they can understand that different relationships have different meanings.
If that makes sense.
I wouldnt til they was 17 18
1 Like
I would wait until at least 10 if the bio dad isn’t going to be in there life at all. That way when they become teenagers they dont start to resent you for never telling them at all. Good look Dad 
.
1 Like
My husband has been with me since my son was in my belly. He is now 4. Bio dad lives 1000miles away and visits one time per year. Sends gifts on bdays and that’s it. No calls or anything. We have been honest from the start. He has another daddy who loves far away.
They won’t understand this young. It will just confuse them
Atleast in middle school or older. When they are old enough to really understand and be able to deal with their emotions. Honestly i would wait till they learn where babies come from or till they are old enough to comprehend that raising a child is alot of work and some people just arent cut out to be parents atleast at the time of when they become parents. Some times someone else that can give the child more attention and love comes into the picture to give the child a better life.
1 Like
Not yet maybe in a couple of years but make sure you tell them and no one else does my daughter found out from school faculty
Way too young. I was 7 when i found out my grandparents who practically raised me werent my blood and it took a toll on me. I’d cry and ask them if they loved me the same. I’d say 12 or 13.
You tell them before someone else tell them. You are their dad 100% you just had someone else help to make them. You love them thst little bit extra because you chose them.
My sister is adopted and granted, you just have to look at us to know she’s not biologically related, but she was told from day one she had (our) mum and her “other mother” who couldn’t look after her.
Kids are a lot more accepting of unusual circumstances than they get credit for.
Old enough for them to understand they might need to know later I. Life for medical information etc
Not yet, when they get older where they can understand, some people have two birthdays, one when u got then and one when they were born.
I think my brother was 10 when my parents told him about his biological father. My father adopted my brother at a very young age (he’s about 6 years older than myself), he raised him, and his sperm donor was and still is just that.
1 Like
Not at 4, I would wait til they ask.
Maybe when they stay asking where babies come from and what did you do when mommy was pregnant. Little ways to work it in conversation so they don’t really have to know all at once. Just the truth over time at a level they can comprehend.
1 Like
The sooner the better.
I wish I could answer this my son is 16 yrs old his bio donor has never even shown his face being hes a pos human. I have yet to tell him. I feel why should I tell him the truth when someone acts like he don’t exist? I may be wrong for this but I can’t set my son up for hatred
1 Like
When they are old enough to understand. I told my son when he was about 10. He had never really asked about his bio dad before hand because his stepdad (his legal dad now) came into his life when he was 4 so he had grown up to that point with his stepdad in his life for 6 years already that point.
1 Like
Probably open the conversation gently stating soon in an age appropriate way.
Tell them you are their real daddy but when they were in mummy’s tummy they had a different daddy.
2 Likes
Talk to mom but sooner would be better in my opinion
1 Like
My son has always known about his bio mother but he has always called me mom so when ever you and Mom feel best but I will have to say before school my friend found out that she was adopted by one of us we knew because she was dark and her parents were really fair so we were talking about families and her being adopted came up she had no clue her world had completely ended it was very sad
If you talk about it factually and don’t bring a lot of emotion into the subject they will accept it and not make a big deal about it. Now is the time to tell them so they think they will always know.
1 Like
You adopted? Since having them since 14 mo old. Picture of sperm donor? Might help to explain you chose them and this person didn’t. That they are very special and you love them and part of your life . Maybe in a couple years.
1 Like
Don’t, why fix something that’s not broke?
My husband has been with my daughter since she was 10 weeks old & my son since he was 11… of course my son knows my husband isnt his bio dad… but our daughter (who my husband legally adopted &has his last name) doesn’t know… we r thinking at age 10… maybe 12… telling her… we think thts a good age… shes extremely intelligent & we think she will understand it at 10… but 12 seems like a good age as well.
Sooner the better but not at 4yrs. They still to small to process that kind of information
When they ask about him
My son is 6. His biodad and i split up when he was 13 months. My husband is the only “dad” he knows/remembers. I have sole physical and legal custody. My ex pays no child support per our agreement and eventually we’re hoping my husband can adopt him.
I don’t intend to tell him until he’s older and only when he starts asking. (Because i won’t lie to him)
I think you need to do some self-evaluating and figure out why you want them to know know so badly.
Step back and ask yourself
-is there a point to telling them?
-what purpose does telling them serve?
-who benefits from it?
-is telling them something you want for you or is it something you want for them?
-why?
This isn’t a truth that ANY four year old would be prepared to hear or understand. If you’re planning on sticking around and planning on staying in the “dad role” there’s absolutely no need to rush it.
You’ll know when they’re ready. You’ll know because they’ll ask. Maybe it’ll be questions like why aren’t you in baby photos? Or why are there physical differences?
Start with little truths like you have 2 daddies maybe. Then build it from there as they grow and ask.
I thought a sperm donor was just that.they don’t need to be on the picture unless agreed before hand.10 or. 11 would be a good age to explain.
Make a scrap book of ‘their story’ and start reading it to them. Introduce the idea now and periodically remind them in casual conversations. It will never come as a shock then and they will just grow up with the knowledge. Say you chose them and their mum because you loved them all so much. Don’t badmouth bio dad- just answer questions gently and let them come to their own conclusions when older.
1 Like
Alarming so many leave it so late… what a shock it will be 
Better they just are always aware without making a big thing of it. Speaking from experience.
3 Likes
Be open and honest with the children and 8 is well okay enough to tell them about there other dad you are there real father you are raising them and showing them love as your own children
I definitely wouldn’t wait! That’s a HUGE bomb to drop on anyone! Finding out someone who you believed was your bio father your whole life really isn’t. They need to know now
Wow some of u really want to traumatize older kids
Could u imagine finding out your dad isn’t your bio dad? The betrayal you would feel? That’s not something you keep a secret …they should have always known
Never your their Dad
I just wanted to share my own personal struggle, I was the child. My biological father died when I was a baby, my mother remarried when I was three years old and I remained in contact with biodads family (still a part of my life). Perhaps a little different since I “had” to know sooner, because of the extra family no one else visited with. However you do it, it should be done carefully. I have struggled a lot with my identity as I have grown older. My parents forbade the use of step in any sense, and I had to call my new dad dad no matter what. It can be VERY confusing. Your twins will always love you the most. You are their dad, and you always will be. But they also need to process it in their own way. Be a resource for them, as much as you can, if they have questions and if they feel like shit because they have basically been abandoned by their bio dad. I would say 4 is too young for them to quite understand, but being open and honest is important too. You’ll make the right choices, there is no playbook for this sort of thing, just keep being their dad and keep being there for them. That’s what they really need, and all they really want