What age should we tell our twins about their bio father?

I need some advice. I’ve been with my twins since they were 14 months old. I was there to watch there first steps as well as the first words. I was up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, bottles, etc. In every regard, I am their dad. Even though their sperm donor is in no way involved (he’s never called, sent birthday presents, Christmas presents, nothing), I still feel it’s important to let them know about this. They’re four years old. At what age do you feel is appropriate for me to have this talk with them?


Too young…maybe when the ask?

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When They ask you, just don’t like. They won’t miss someone who isn’t there.

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Maybe a few years. They aren’t likely to ask are they? They won’t remember a time before you so they would have no reason to.

When they ask, 4 years old they dont comprehend this whole thing yet. You got time.
You could Chronicle their time uptown the point they ask… but unless the "sperm donor " is creating problems, I would wait till they ask.

Not yet, they’re a bit young.

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When they ask they are to young to understand right now.

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When they are old enough to understand how blessed they are to have a good father. The bio part really should only be a need to know bc of their bloodline since he chose to be just that.

My ex husband raised my son since he was 6 WEEKS old & my daughter was 1 years old … their biological father came in & out the first year & then stopped coming around. My kids called my ex husband daddy & their bio father daddy (name)! My ex husband was their father regardless of blood type! I explained the situation to my children when they were old enough to understand (every kid is different) … we eventual had a daughter of our own and never did my ex husband ever treat our other two any different! We unfortunately divorced after 20 years of marriage 3 years ago. My kids are now 24, 23 & 21. I explained to my kids that “daddy” was their father because he took care of them, loved them & cared for them. That daddy chose to be their daddy. I also explained that daddy (name) was their father because they shared the same blood. When they got older they put the pieces together and understood. You’ll know when to tell them… I applaud you for stepping up when the other guy stepped down! It takes a real man to CHOOSE to love another mans child and that more special than making one! :heart:

When they ask, that’s the right age. Right now they don’t care about biology, they care that you are their dad. When they start school or start to see how kids look like their parents, you can explain you weren’t the father that made them but you’re lucky enough to be the daddy that gets to raise them.

I was raised by a man who adopted me at 5 years old. My parents didnt tell me till i was 14.

When they are old enough to understand about the sperm donor. YOU are their father.


When they ask. Don’t stress it now, they’re too young to understand now anyway.

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Tell them now. They’re too young to understand but will remember enough to know. Then it cant become a massive bomb shell that will destroy their trust.


That’s a tough question. My ex told his son when we broke up, he was 13. Raised him since he was 11 months. Nothing was the same after. Broke my heart

When they start asking…and they will ask

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Too young…adopt them so they know that you’ll be there forever if you can! Then…about 12

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My mom always told me right from the start I was adapted, but always say not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone but still I call you my own and you are right where you are meant to be and then would tell me how I came to be in her life and made it sound extra special even though it was an extra sad story.
I was 16 months old when I was adopted

Between 10 & 12. Way to soon now.

I didnt tell my son till he was 17. My husband had him since he was 6 months old. Was no reason too. He was fine with it. Still doesnt care about his sperm donor. That’s what I call him.

At 4 years old?? Tell them when they’re mature enough to handle it or it comes up naturally

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I would say if/when they ask. and i feel like their mother should really be the one to bring it up.

I would say maybe around age 10 where they would have more of an understanding. Right now they’re too young.

Unless they see him u dont

I suggest you talk to them as soon as they ask. Be as honest as you can for their age. As they grow older you can explain more, but never lie. They will be angry if you hide it from them. I know from experience, things were kept from me. The truth may hurt, but at least it’s the truth.

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They are a little too young still. My sister raised her husbands set of twins (my very loved nephews) since they were 6 months old. Their mother never tried to even call. Well, their daddy passed away at the age of 33. After his burial my sister had to go to court to fight to keep those boys (they were 13 at that point). The biological mother would be intitled to his benefits if she had custody of them. First time she ever acknowledged them. Anyway, my feelings on this is, you are their dad. Myself, I would start explaining to them when you and their mom knows they can comprehend what they are being told. For now, just make sure they know how very much you love them. BTW, my sister won custody of Her boys. They are 33 now and she is who they call mom

Are you married to their mother? If not, mind your own business, they are not your children, you have no say. If you are married, adopt them and then you can make that decision as their father.


Similar to our situation, my husband has raised our son for the past 6 years. His bio dad has been out of the picture for years and my son calls my husband dad, hes the only father my son has ever known. Weve saved a box with pictures and information about his biological father for when he asks about him, along with last known contact info. We know it’ll come up soon (son is 8) but hopefully not before our son is truly old enough to understand everything.

My youngest is adopted she’s 8 I just told her about 4 months ago I feel it should be based on maturity not age you will know when the time is right!! Good luck :blush:

Let it be known now. That way it’s never a big shock that threatens their mental health. I speak from experience.


I wouldn’t say anything unless they ask, let them bring it up if they want to talk about it, don’t bring it up to them, they might not ever ask, but I would leave it up to them to ask

They may never ask…but they should know.
Get childrens books on mixed families/step parents. Introduce them to the idea and tell them. They won’t understand now but it won’t be a big surprise later.

I am a mom of twins (they are 4 yrs old) I used an egg donor. I carried them and gave birth to them and breastfed them for 1121 days but I am not biologically related.

I have two childrens books on the subject that I read them every week or so. They don’t understand now but will later and it won’t surprise them.

Be proud of your journey. Let them be proud of you too.

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When they ask you questions

I wouldn’t say a word. You’re dad, wait til they ask

Their mother needs to do this. Are you married to their mother? Are you going to adopt them? Does sperm donor pay child support?

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Later a bit when they actually can understand mom dad family roles ?

I found out about my bio family, dead father and a family that has nothing to do with my brother and me when i was 13. Wish i had never been told. My dad was the man who raised us like we were his own flesh and blood.

I was adopted and found out Year 3 so about 8 I guess didn’t meet my biological parents till I was 39 and a Mum myself I gave 7 siblings and relatives all over Australia :+1:

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You have been thru it all your there dad thats all that matter the guestion will comes up when they are ready if not stay the. Same track

Certainly not at the age of 4, next question.

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Never, because those children think you are their bio father. Wait until they’re adults.

My little brother and sister (same father as me) didn’t know we didn’t have the same mom until I graduated HS and they saw her there n asked who she was. I’m 10 yes older than my sister, 8 years older than my brother, they were old enough by then to understand and it didn’t change their view of me as their older sister, that was 20 years ago and we are still close to this day. It’s not about the time other people think is right, it’s when the situation or the time is right for you and them, no one else can tell you that. Do what you feel is right, when it feels right to you.

Well done you. The best job you will ever do.
Get some books on the subject.
Start reading them.
Wait for questions to arise.
Prefix every question with ‘ I’m so lucky to I get to be your Dad’.
Good luck

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I waited till my girl was 10 it traumatized her for life

for medical reasons I wouldn’t keep it a secret. I hope their last names are the same as yours? That will bring the question up as to why they are different if not. Kids figure things out fairly early, it’s not like you have to sit down and do a big reveal, just let the questions come and then answer them as they do. If you don’t make a big deal they won’t either.

I would wait until they develop an interest in “where they come from” or where do babies come from. This opens the door to allow an honest conversation. Only answer what they ask about, no extemporaneous details. You’d be surprised how little will satisfy their curiosity. Biology does not a parent make, however from what you say, I see you already know that. Good on you, Dad. :kissing_heart:

Have adopted son. Was told by agency not to wait to tell him. Told him early so he always knew. Read him books on being chosen child.

When they’re old enough to actually understand. It’s different for every child. I don’t think there is a set in Stone Age for this.


I was 10 when I found out I was adopted. 4 is far too young to understand


I discovered my half sibling status at 18. I highly recommend you do it before then. It caused identity crisis for sure.


I was 7 when I found out my step dad had adopted me. I was still very young but I understood enough. And it meant that I never was angry about being “lied to.” I would wait.

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I was gonna say around 10, when they start learning about biology and how babies are made, then you can explain the science behind how they where made, and the difference between a genetic parent and the loving one that they are lucky enough to have. I also would tell them if the subject comes up on its own. If they ask you directly at 7 or 8, tell them.

I’d say when they’re old enough to comprehend basics. 8ish maybe? Depending on the kids. But I’d keep it very simple and only give the details when they get old enough and inquire further. It’ll be a lot to process without immediately trying to process the negative side of the situation.

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I was adopted at 2 and my parents never kept the truth from me, oddly I understood it, in a way a child does…


First of all, good for you for stepping up :raised_hands:

Things like this I honestly don’t think someone else can give you the right answer, it depends on the children, their personality, their emotions etc. Maybe you could have a talk with their mum and discuss an appropriate time when you know %100 they’re old enough to understand and ask questions :slight_smile:

My husband and I talk about this bc he is not my oldest sons biological father but my son knows no different. We are going to tell him when he’s old enough to actually understand. 10 or 11. Hes 7 now and it would shatter him completely

now,don’t hide who you are to them,like you sad you are the father,

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4 is too young to understand. But… I would maybe start openly talking about it, in which case when or if they feel curious…they can ask you what it all means. Also, there are great childrens books. Just for this! Best wishes!

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My daughter is 11. I still haven’t found a “good time” to tell her about her birth father.

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When they’re old enough to understand that it’s not a personal rejection to them, it’s his shortcoming. Maybe 10 or older?

Kuddos to you dad! :heart: i love seeing fathers ask questions! :blue_heart:

I was 10 when I found out the man who raised me wasn’t my bio dad and I wish I never knew I would have been fine but at that age I could understand

My nephew had his heart broke at school when he found out his “dad” was his step dad from the office person…

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I told my daughter my husband wasn’t her bio dad at 8yrs old. It changed their relationship! I wish I would have waited till she was over 10 yrs old.

They need to see that for themselves. You telling them makes you sound like you are taking away from them. They to see that themselves.

My kiddos know but they were removed by CPS at age 4 and 9. We have had them in our lives off and on their entire lives. They still get to see biological mother and the 10 year old is just now comprehending we are not keeping him from her. It bio moms choice to not see him. Their sperm donors have rarely been around and while they both know that they have one they just believe they are losers that don’t want them. Our kids are 10 and 15 now and it really doesn’t bother them anymore and they do not really bring it up.

My best friend was told when she was about 12 and she never recovered from that. She went down a very dark road and looking back ahe was hurt that she was not told sooner… 6 or 7 i think would be good and age appropriate way of telling them. He might have created them, but you are their dad… you chose to be their dad.

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When they ask why shake up a toddlers life like that.

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4 is too young. I would say 7/8/9. Depends on maturity. But before defiance starts.

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Id consult with a family therapist and maybe they can explain to you an appropriate age and how to do it. I think it’s wonderful and just remember you are their dad :blue_heart:


My parents sat us down at like 7 or 8 and told us that my Dad (who was my dad since I was 6 weeks old) was not my biological dad but that he wanted us to take his last name and asked how we felt about that and gave us a chance to ask questions and stuff. It never made a difference. I love my “Dad” more than anyone in the world and am thankful he was who I grew up with instead. I’ve never felt the missing piece or sense of rejection from my missing donor because the dad I have is amazing.

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When they are old enough to understand. 4 is too young imo and it will just confuse them.

My daughter knew my husband wasnt her biological father because he came into her life at age 5, I waited until she asked me to tell her the truth about the situation, shes called my husband dad since she was 6.5 and he is the only dad shes ever had. She was 11 or 12 when she asked, and is 13 now.

It doesn’t take blood to be his father… If he knows no different & the sperm donor don’t want nothing to do him then leave it be unless he ask…

A four year old will not understand this. It depends on the situation and the maturity of the child as well as if you have other relatives pushing to tell them. I would wait until they start asking where babies come from. You can then present it as an alternative and just as valid way to have a child, biology being another method.

Told my daughter when she was 11. Her bio dad was never around never even saw her once. The guy I was with at the time was all she knew from 3yo on. When she started asking questions about “did u do that when me dad when I was that little” he would say I’m sure your mom did. Then she started asking about skin tone. She is Native American and has that perfect tan all year skin tone. But when she started asking that, that was when I got pictures out of my bio dad and my stepdad, as well as her bio dad and my guy at the time. Convo went well and she understood 99% of it. She wanted to know why he never saw her and if she could meet him. I tried to explain the best I could and even reached out to him. Wasn’t till she was 14 that he finally came around about talking to her. So they Skyped and texted. But he lied to her and has asked her to send hair and spit in the mail to him she never did. She is 20 now and talks to him maybe once every couple months.

My daughter 8 still doesn’t quite understand it because he step dad the one who rasie her but she sees the bio father side of family so it’s hard for a child to understand it but I don’t think there a right or wrong age to tell them it’s up too there understanding of it I personally myself being adopted myself I was brought up always knowing I was adopted but my parents treated me like there own I personally don’t like labels if you there and apart the kids life they will see that :pray: don’t need a label too tell you that :blush:

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We just told our son. He is 8, I feel if it happened any earlier he wouldn’t have understood the way he did. He even asked us to change his last name :purple_heart:


Honestly I grew up with a stepmom. Since I was 3. Always knew she was my “stepmom” but sometimes I wish I hadn’t known bc it definitely put a strain on our relationship during pre teen/teen years…(even though she started being pretty mean lol) … Anywho me and my SO got together when my daughter was a baby. And she 7 now. And he’s her Dad. And honestly I don’t plan to tell her unless she questions it one day. Or will wait until she’s matured. Her “sperm donor” is several states away and I don’t want to abrupt her whole world while she’s so young knowing he would never be there…or at least it wouldn’t be consistent.

Why break their world? You are the father. Til they ask you…

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To each their own but I don’t see any reason to tell them especially if the sperm donor won’t be in the picture.


What a man you are! Much love to you :blue_heart:

I don’t know why you wouldn’t have just always mentioned it… so they just grew up with it. Eventually they ask questions and you explain more, and they learn as they go. I don’t think there is a “too young” to be honest with your kids. People who adopt different race children don’t wait until a certain age to drop the bomb that they aren’t blood relatives, lol.
Get them a video that shows different types of family dynamics, and bring it up casually while watching. “Hey, you know, just like that family there, I’m not technically your father, but I’ve always been your dad, because I wanted to be a dad and your father didn’t. It was so cool though, because I actually got to pick YOU to be my kids. That’s how much I loved you when we met. I was like, I need to have these guys as my kids!” They don’t need to understand completely. They might ask questions. They might not. Odds are it won’t be as big a deal as you think it will be. Now if you wait… the more they understand, the more they may feel lied to, and hurt. I would have been talking like this since they were babies… but that’s me.


My parents started discussing that I was adopted and what that meant with me at 2.


Why do u feel this is important? Sounds bitter. Do not destroy your children like that! If they ask when older whatever but do not go and destroy them like that. There is no need to tell them their parent didn’t want them or u will be paying that therapy bill for a life time. Why cause and issue if it’s not important. Your need to look superior is not flattering at all.


I had always told my daughter the truth when she learned to talk and we have had conversations numerous times over the years. She is now 10 and understands way better than most and knows that her now adopted Dad is her “real” dad. Never to young to talk about the truth. The linger you wait the more risk your putting that the kids will think you’re a liar and hold major resentment. Happened to my step sister when she was 13 and found out her dad wasn’t her bio dad

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My 8 year old lost her dad when she was 9 Months Old, different circumstances yes, but I’ve been with my current partner for 7 years so since she was 16 Months Old he has raised her, she knows who her dad is and always will, she calls my partner by his name and that’s fine with everyone

They are too young to understand now. Maybe around 10?

I told my son when he was 9 .I definitely wouldn’t do it when they are teens at that age they will no dought struggle with it and possibly rebel.

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If you really feel the need to, wait until WAAAYYY later than 4. Maybe late teens.

I’m in the same boat. My kids dad passed when they were real little. Thought I had a while before I needed to tell them. Now they are 11 and 13 and I’m scared to death to tell them the man that raised them isnt their father.

This is a touchy subject with me. I found out the man I believed to be my dad my whole life in fact wasnt. I was 9. I felt lied to. I felt like I didnt know who I was. And it definitely put a strand on me and my dads relationship because of that. Tell them as well as they can understand, through the years. Even at 9, it was world shattering for me. I cant believe these people telling you not to say anything. Dont do that to them they deserve to know who they actually are. You’re their dad. You just didnt make them


When they are old enough to understand i found when u was 32 that the man my mom was married to wasn’t my dad and u had been asking since I was 15 it killed me

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When she starts asking questions

I would start explaining now the difference between a father and a dad. Father is biological, but it takes a lot of hard work and unconditional love to be a dad. It’s better to be open at this age as it will be much harder when they are older. If their bio dad ever comes along, it won’t turn their lives upside down because you’ve just lied to them for so many years. It is the lie that can be detrimental. But if you bring it up, they will be prepared a bit and still trust you. You are a very stand up guy.


Much longer from now

Let them come to you about it. Then answer their questions honestly.

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Did you adopt them?? It’s a beautiful word! We used it with our little girl and when she started asking questions we answered them simply and honestly.

First, let me say kudos to you for stepping up and being a good man. I think the age of the children should be based on their ability to understand what it means. You and their mother can decide when you think it’s appropriate. Gook luck! They are lucky to have you.


Now. And keep an open dialogue. I think it’s worse if they fully understand and feel you kept it from them. But if they know right away its it’s normal and feel comfortable asking questions instead of wondering if you are hiding something else.


No reason to say anything until they are way older.