How long did you allow them to do this before the step dad? ADHD is tricky you have to understand how they think. The others well it’s learned and you have to set boundaries it will not happen over night
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Get them involved in a plan, who does what when, who’s skills are better placed where, point system, and ask what and how to structure this, when is good for petting cat, when they can’t, what punishment, they should have, explain that they are older now, and its your job as parent to guide them in life and work place would not tolerate, this. So how is best, for them To take responsibility, each has too, brush teeth, shower, what days, how to use washing machines, 
the lists are endless, also what is the reward?
I give a count to three and at three a privilege is taken away. Get in the shower, wait a minute then say one, etc… at three always react the same way no matter what mood you are in. Consistency is the key. Don’t be harder on them when you’re mad or easier on them when you are in a good mood.
start asking eairlier
You have to patient with them. When you ask them to do simething get them in front if you with eye contact eg: you need to have a shower please go straigjt to bathroom now without stopping im watching you. No stopping until you get there. He is distracted and doesnt do it intentionally. I think your hubby needs education on how to take things on with a add or adhd kids. Needs alot of patience. Screaming makes things worse. Theres heaps of info on net on how to handle and set up your home. If you dont get educated and change how you handle things its going to get worse. You both need to be calm and accept he is deferent from other 11 year olds and need more direction and help for getting things done.
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HDHD or not, that’s most kids. My 3 yr old is like that and have other family around whose kids do that. Thats just normal behavior. But after the 3rd, is when you put your foot down, not give 7 seven chances.
So, given he has ADHD I don’t think the kid is doing this on purpose. It may be a compulsion “I HAVE to pet the cat before I get in the shower” Could be something his brain is screaming at him. My son is autistic and we use timers a lot. I’ll tell him what we’re going to be doing and I’ll set a 5min timers. I usually remind him once in the middle of the 5 mins but once the timer goes off he switches to the next task. As far as your husband, with his explosive temper I would definitely avoid him disciplining your children because the oldest is already showing him signs of defiance. They don’t respect him and that’s not their faults, he never presented himself as someone they felt deserved their respect.
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My son has autism and take a long time it also causes arguments with his step dad my sons not a bad xhild but he just says stuff without thinking mot realising its cheeky so we have to remind him we now given him some responsibility with chores around the house for pocket money he’s 11 and to be fair I’ve not helped matters with him being my only child I’ve mothered him done everything butsince his step dad been on the scene he does stuff for himself I was shocked since I realised my mistake so the punishment that gets to my son he big on watching YouTube or playing on computer take them away he goes to his bedroom so I went upstairs to see if he’s sneaking any of them on his head phone he goes in bed under covers for ages so we let him watch TV downstairs my boring documentaries lol he hates it, but that works for my autistic child who’s very sensitive I think a little more patience. All children usually take 3 or 4 times of asking just find the thing your child loves the most and take it away
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Sounds like your husband is the monster. Protect your children.
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Give them a time limit, “you have 2 minutes and then you need to get in the shower” get a cheap timer and set it. Once it goes off they have to get in the shower.
Timeout 
for your husband
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Stop with the “17” (I know not actually 17) times and do something at 3. Every time. Get up and walk them to the activity you want them to do. No kitty time, no toy time. That’s just rewarding them for not listening. I wouldn’t forcefully do it, just get up and walk them to the bathroom or whatever. No raising voices cause you’re not frustrated cause it’s not the “17th” time. Husband reacts the SAME way.
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This video is long but I highly suggest any parent of a child with ADHD watch it.
You’re asking for suggestions. Don’t ask unless you plan on trying them all.
Spankings.
Take electronics away
Ground them.
All of these WILL work with consistency
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My sister is 10 and has similar tendencies as your 11 y/o, I would try giving him a heads up with a timer, for instance say you need to go shower I’ll set a timer for ten mins then you need to stop/drop whatever you’re doing and go get your shower
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I would try giving them a time limit and set a timer. When the timer goes off, they must do whatever it is you told them to do. If not, they forfeit the use of an electronic item or other prized item for the afternoon. Or an hour, whatever is reasonable at your house, but make it stick. Or they don’t watch a favorite TV show that day. Something that gets their attention. And you have to be consistent. Don’t take something away for neglecting to do a task one time then not the next. Keep track, because the kids will. Good luck.
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To be honest there are to many chances. Start from day 1 when kids KNOW you mean what you say they react better, people say kids have changed . No parenting styles have
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I am going through the same thing. My son has Adhd and dmdd. His dad left him when he was little so he has a lot of anger from that. My husband lacks empathy. My son has a hard time taking instruction from his step dad. My sons mental health issues have almost caused me a divorce. Your husband needs to be more understanding of your son’s issues. He needs to see a family counselor or do some research online. Not only do you have the hard dynamics of adhd but you have the step parent which can cause issues. Your husband has to be willing to take your sons problems into mind before he gets to upset with them. Matching anger with anger will never work.
Time setting. I need you to take a shower by 3PM. Do not mention it again until 3 PM. This makes him responsible for time. Your insistence it be done immediately is where you are running afoul. So give a time limit. And say nothing until it is reached.
There has to be Consequences for Not Listening, & For Bad Behavior! 3 x SHOULD be your Limit for telling them to do anything!
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Um maybe don’t worry so much about your husband more about the kids they way you speak about them and you loosing your cool? Men come and go I mean you are with a new husband so you know first hand them kids are forever
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3 strike Rule for both. If on the 3rd time they don’t do what is asked, give a consequence.
We use a strike system and they have to write down their own check marks. We give them 3 warnings prior to using this system. If they dont listen after those 3 warnings it goes directly to the strike chart. Strike one is corner time (minutes in the corner being equal to their age). Strike two is loss of electronic privileges for the rest of the day. Strike 3 is bed early. As I said, they write down their own strike marks (that way it let’s them physically see what is being done). I have been using this strike system for almost 2 years and within not even 2 weeks I saw so much progress. I cant even tell you the last time that we used the strike system because my kids hardly ever do anything that even warrants a warning anymore.
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I just wanna say SAME. Like to a T. Feel free to pm me and we can vent to eachother lol
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Give them a count down of when your going to ask sometimes kids have a hard time adjusting to changing activities n need a heads up up like 10 minutes before say hey in ten minutes I’m going to ask you to get in the shower then at 5 minutes the same thing then 2 and 1 then ask them to get in the shower…
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A lot of these suggestions are well-meaning but not effective for someone who is neurodivergent.
Did you know children with ADHD will receive anywhere from 20,000 to 30,000 more negative criticisms from people than a child without it? When a kid with ADHD doesn’t listen, it’s not a behavioral issue. It’s not intentional, our brains are just wired differently. We don’t choose to get distracted or not follow through. Responding to them with anger and screaming doesn’t help them in the long run or even the short run. It’s just a way to get your frustration out, and it contributes to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
Imagine if you were physically disabled, confined to a wheelchair, and every time you approached stairs, someone yelled at you to just walk up them. And even if you managed to pull yourself up by your arms once, completely exhausting yourself, then going forward people say “well I’ve seen you do it before.” You don’t do that, right? You build a ramp. ADHD is a developmental disability. When we view it for what it is, then we can be more compassionate about it. And accommodate.
I would suggest family therapy, and you and your partner receiving education on ADHD. Have comprehensive testing done for your children if possible. I received psycho-educational testing that revealed a learning disability in working memory, which is common for people with ADHD. Proactive discipline is going to work much more effectively than reactive. Use positive attention. For every time you are giving them negative attention, there should be five times the amount of positive.
Parenting a Child with ADHD - CHADD is a good resource to start with. I understand it can be frustrating and difficult and exhausting to parent a child with ADHD, but imagine how it can feel as someone with ADHD to be seen as exhausting, or a frustration or problem. 
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my boys are the same way had to be the mean one and say no electronics or tv until he does what i ask of him and no crazy sounds. the first time it took three days and he stopped. Just this morning we had the same issue and i said hes grounded again. i have to stick with the punishment til the end this time even if he is doing better
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Facebook is not who you should be asking! Family therapy will help the entire family!
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At that age, ALL of them are like that. Especially with showering. Lol. Mine, 14, won’t shower until I turn off the wifi. Im not sure if they grow out of it since now I have to tell my husband to shower 15 times before he hears me. Lol
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The timer is great! Also choices "Would you like to take a shower at 7:00 or 7:15 then timer. I also remind, “it’s 6:45 so you’ve got 15 minutes”. Chart chores.
7:00 Shower
7:30 Brush Teeth
My Grandson didn’t have scheduled times at home but weekend with me I didn’t want constantly being the bad guy. Coming to visit was supposed to be fun not me constantly nagging or yelling. It works.
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Send your husband to parenting classes, anger management and therapy. Your boys are normal.
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This sounds exactly like my 9 year old boy. Never been diagnosed with anything… but he is the same! I have to scream to get him to finally listen. I explained to him if you wait until I’m pissed off to listen then I take away the switch/wifi… he usually acts real nice after I take his things away…smh. I don’t want to get upset for him to listen. Your son is just like mine down to the weird annoying sounds lol…
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It’s normal, I’ve learned with my daughter who has ADHD really bad (also medicated, 9 years old) that it works best if I tell her it’s shower time, I’ll go with her to her room grab her clothes and take her to the bathroom… it’s a lot faster and less stressful… specially considering I have other kids to attend too, my youngest being 4 with high functioning autism. My 7 year old isn’t to bad but she does have her days.
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My son’s neuropsychologist said to give warnings: a 10 minute warning, 3 minute warning, then count down 3-2-1 and he has to give up the tablet, get up, etc. He’s younger and it doesn’t work perfectly but it has helped with the stalling.
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Try some parenting classes
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There is medication that can help. See a doctor that specializes in that problem ASAP.It sometimes disappears as adulthood sets in, but a LOOONnng time in between.
Sorry, this isnt a kid issue… Give them expectations for the day but give them control about it! I wouldnt stop what I was doing if someone commanded it. “Today I need you to shower and clean your room.” Then they know what they need to do but they are able to do it on their own time. My mom always expected me to drop everything when she told me something and we have an awful relationship!
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Doesn’t seem like they need punishments. Having ADHD and anxiety is hard to deal with especially at a young age whether being medicated or not. They may need adjustments to their environment and yelling really doesn’t help I promise. Maybe when you are asking them for something you need to tone down the distractions in the room for them. Go to them and talk to them on their level and ask them to get in the shower. Say I’m five minutes I want you in the shower so I’ll set a timer. When it goes off it’s time to put the toys down and shut the tv off and get in. This way it’ll help with the anxiety so they know when they have to be ready and the timer can help them to be reminded it’s time to switch tasks. Sometimes you have to help give them extra tools to do simple things. A shower truthfully is mentally exhausting. Transitions can be hard for people especially young kids and a shower has SOO MANY transitions so it can be hard to even want to do it at all!!
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We used a timer and lots of warnings. For instance, In 10 minutes you will need to shower. 5 minute warning, etc. Punishment didn’t work, as he got more defiant. Another way I do things that seems to help is to tell him what needs to be done that day, but he can choose when. He has a list of chores and knows what time he goes to bed, as long as he gets the things done by bedtime, I’m happy. (He has ADD and anxiety). These give him a sense of control and it’s really helped. He does get distracted, but we laugh it off and don’t make a big deal of it. He’s been more mindful of it the less we make a deal of it, which feels contradictory
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I don’t think they need tobe punished, I think that disconnecting them from all their fun stuff might help. A chore chart might help the younger one and having the other one to lead by example can help. If not, take them by the hand and lead them to where you want them to be. Praise them for doing the right thing in a timely manner. 
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Im dealing with this as well. It is beyond frustrating and im ready to snap. 
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You need to make up a chart with the routines and times and STICK to it. Give reminders. " You have 5 minutes before its time to get in the shower. Do what yo need to do so you are in the shower at 8". Post it so he can go to it to see what is next and when. He needs a routine he learns so he knows what to expect. Punishing him wont work. Its like if you punish a child with Autism. This is also normal for an 11 year old. Just keep following through and if you have to, walk him to the washroom so he doesn’t get distracted on the way. The lack of routine these last few years has really effected children and teenagers, epically ones with ADD/ADHA as they need a routine
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I think you should put yourself in their shoes, just try it. Imagine someone, anyone , coming up to you and DEMANDING you stop doing what you’re doing and do what I say RIGHT NOW. It’s not so much “spacey” if he’s “got to pet the cat first” … he’s trying to be HUMAN. Humans don’t respond well to demands, neither do children. Think of how YOU would like to be addressed in a situation and use that same logic on your children.
Imagine your husband coming up while you’re watching a tv show and saying “I want dinner right NOW!” You politely say “I going to finish this and start dinner in a hour” but he insists and even starts SCREAMING at you! “NO MORE F*CKING TV, I NEED DINNER NOW!”
That would be completely unacceptable and everyone in this group would tell you to “run” , but it’s perfectly acceptable to treat a child like that?
I think what will save both you and your kids, is just using that powerful tool called Empathy. Just try it, what can it hurt?
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Timers. Set lots of timers.
I have an ADHD 8 year old and his 7 year old brother follows his lead often. I also have ADHD and anxiety so it’s difficult for me to control my own temper sometimes, though I have come a LONG way over the years. Some tips: when you are speaking to him, make sure you are making eye contact. Put a hand on his shoulder and speaking calmly but filmy. Have him repeat back to you what you have asked him to do. Make sure he is responding. Spacing out is not something he can control. I repeat, SPACING OUT IS NOT SOMETHING HE CAN CONTROL. I got in so much trouble as a kid because of this and I seriously couldn’t help it. I tell my son that some things may be harder for him in life. He may have to approach things differently than other people. BUT, his ADHD can’t hold him back. It didn’t hold me back or his dad (also ADHD). But you need to understand that it’s a long process of learning for him and kindness goes a long way. It’s not an excuse but it is an obstacle that he will have to learn to overcome. Also, no long drawn out explanations. There is nothing wrong with saying “get up now.” “Go take a shower now.” “Do not do anything else until you have finished taking a shower.” If your sentence is long they are likely to only hear half which can cause confusion. Set your boundaries and stay consistent. I understand everyone won’t agree but children learning to listen, obey, and respond to their parents immediately is important. Not just for the parents convenience, but the safety of the children. Example: my kids need to know if I say, go in the house now, they need to do so. Because they may think “I want to grab my toys first or I want to play five more minutes” where I may see an incoming danger. (Like an approaching dog that we don’t know)… raising my voice may attract the animal so I need my child to listen and obey without question. They are people so treat them with kindness but requiring that your child listen and obey is 100% good parenting. I know it’s frustrating. From both the adult and child’s perspective. Work on your temper and your spouses temper, and encourage your child to listen the best way you can. I also used a reward system when he was younger. You got this!
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They sound a lot like…children. 
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I’ve read a low carb diet is helpful. Dr Georgia Ede. Less sugar, less processed foods. Natural foods.
Having a set schedule for things helps showers right before bed or right when you get up in the morning do a timer for getting ready tell then I set the time for 5 minutes since you are busy it will go off then and I need you to go clean yourself up or do ----- task since you are busy right now so do what you need to do before the timer goes off. Have the schedule posted with meal times, shower times, and clean up for the day/chore times and a clock that the kids can read by it so they know what time and can look at it. For the first couple of weeks direct their attention to the schedule and time for each thing. It may not be an easy transition at first. When they start following the schedule have them set the timer with you present (so it’s not more then 5 minutes) so they feel responsible for their time to get ready.
Get them excited about the task and hype it up. Like “Yes we are gonna get you clean! You will feel so good after!” And even if its you or your husband taking a shower since it’s important for the kids to get clean hype that up too. Oh mommy is so excited to get clean soon. “It’s gonna be so nice to be clean and ready for the day!” Etc…
If it’s a meal be like “Oh this food it so yummy! It’s gonna help us grow all big and strong” and things like that you can also have them pick a meal once a week and or help prepare the food a few times so it helps get them involved and wanting to eat and take part in it so they aren’t so distracted by other things at meal times.
Cleaning up their stuff and spaces is the same. Help get them started make it a big deal in a positive way. You can also make it a game…like “Lets pick up everything that’s red, made of wood, how many cars/dinos/stuffed animals can we find and put away?”
It helps when they are easily distracted and anxious to set things up with a routine down and try to make it fun and positive as possible so it makes them want to do whatever the task is and not be nervous about it. There will be times that you have to redirect them back to what they are doing but try to do it in a positive manor where you are hyping up the task as a good and exciting thing so they get it in there heads that they want to do it or help out. Even then it’s might be rough or difficult at times but they are kids and they are learning and growing and just being kids.
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You can’t punish the ADHD or anxiety out of your kid. Do your research. On a side note, kids with ADHD and anxiety work really well with time frames. Tell them "ok, 10 mins till shower. 5 mins, 2 mins, one min, ok it’s shower time now do you need me to grab your clothes?) Make it easier for them, not harder.
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My son is the same way. It helps to be on a schedule so he knows that at this time I shower. Also make sure you get his attention when asking him to do some. He needs to look at you and even having him repeat it back helps. Also found that if you ask what they’re supposed to be doing or what do you need to do to get ready for bed, it doesn’t feel like your nagging but helping them be more independent. Honestly he’ll probably always be this way but you have to find a method that helps keep him on track.
So, you want to punish them for being children? Almost every kid on the planet goes through this phase. I would stop punishing them for that. I would just try to get a better routine.
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I don’t yell or hit our children. I make them pick cherries
They stand with their arms out like a T, and open and lose their hands “picking cherries” and when they get fed up with that, and still don’t want to listen, they flip their hands around and “put the cherries in the basket”
They lose all privileges. They are allowed an approved book for their choice, and a hot seat next to me.t that is “down time” when they aren’t doing school work, the are doing chores.
Life is as good as you make it. I try to instill that into them.
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Why should we have to excessively repeat ourselves being “Nice or calm” respectively just to be ignored and they don’t mind/respect you and do what you ask them to do, but when you have to RAISE your voice all of a sudden they get to moving like you told them to the 6-8 times ago ? I get we have to understand the issues they are facing, but WHEN I SAID WHAT I SAID that’s what I mean and I shouldn’t have to repeat myself. When our parents told us to do something it was done there was no repeating themselves. Do y’all just let the kids get away with a lot of stuff and drive up your nerves ? That’s not healthy for any parent . Kids should be kids, but they need to be obedient to instructions too when told. I myself am troubled by 4 kids that don’t listen but I have to yell to get things done.
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I agree, all humans are flawed and are in a process of learning, including male humans. Are females too?
Okay, your gonna damage your kids that way. ADHD is not a simple mind over matter thing and yelling to get you way could be why you are where you are. How dare you, with anxiety and adhd yelling is one of the worse things you can do. Adhd is a brain problem so you are both yelling at and punishing your son for struggling in life more then you do. You see a space cadet where a child working 110% mentally. How to ADHD has many videos on YouTube that would help you see if from his brain side, and this has no indication on behaviour or moral character. Your children are having mental distress that causes mental lag and executive disfunction problems. If you want your children to listen to you raising your voice only causes them to block you out more. And the way you speak to your children now becomes the way they speak to themselves in the future so unless you want him to be degrading himself in order to get his work done and mentally harming himself to the extent of severe depression, I would look into more gentle parenting methods. I was raised by very strict parents who didn’t believe that I had mental distress and thought I was just not working hard enough. I was told to pick up my Bible and to simply stop being the problem
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Shut the TV off. Set up a routine. So that bath time is the same time every day. (My kids bath Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Bath night routines start at 7 bed time is 9. At 7 everything goes off until kids are in bed.
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Also. Alot of parenting mishaps have more to do with the parents then with the children. If your children are not.listening to you. Consistent follow through is necessary EVERY TIME. If you are not consistent…your children will play you. They will not listen.
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Instead of punishment try occupational therapy. It helped my autistic son and our family work 100 times better together and/or maybe a chore chart? amazon has a wonderful one made by a mom so she gets it. Also recommend eye contact and repeating what you say back, using less words might help too, it’s hard for him to focus. I would also explain that when he only listens when you yell it makes you sad because you don’t want to have to yell at him. And you know it makes him sad too.
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This sounds like your husband is the problem! Your kids behavior is a typical thing especially for boys. Someone with anxiety disorder especially a kid can’t be in an environment where a parent is constantly yelling and mad. Your husband’s temper of something this small would be my real concern
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Family counseling. ASAP
I would go back to basics and create a written routine for mornings and night for your son. Give him an insensitive to follow it.
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Tell them once, then count 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 loudly & then guide them to the shower/dinner table (to whatever you have asked them to do) do not give them a chance to be distracted… fast walk behind them with your hands on their shoulders… they will eventually learn that when you start counting down, it’s time to get moving xx
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Your family should get some counseling. Shouting doesn’t help matters. Turn the tv off and avoid things he uses as excuses.
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How about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND take some classes or see a therapist yourselves! Work on your anger management and LEARN how to cope with ans manage children with mental illnesses. So many people put all the blame on the kids for being kids, but most of the time its the adults lack of emotional maturity. I have the same struggles with my kids as you seem to be having, and I’m sure MOST parents do. Your husband sounds like an ass who would prefer not to have step kids. He needs to learn a thing or two about mental illnesses… smh, I’m certain he’s got some mental issues of his own since he seems to lack empathy, especially for children.
Make it a game something like let’s see who can get in the shower first or let’s see how many I can count to before your in the shower . That may help
Mona Delahooke, check out her books and learn about how the brain impacts how children behave. ADHD (coming from one) is part of being neurodivergent. Seek professional help with a therapist that understands these things and a parenting coach that can also help you come up with a game plan that doesn’t destroy the kids emotionally. Step dad has to participate in all of that, because it’s that important. There’s no simple answer. Lots of hard hard self-reflection, professional guidance, team work, unlearning old ways and replacing them with new ways that actually help y’all.
Maybe try priming. You give them a time frame and then give constant time updates. Then you say all done. If they don’t move on from the preferred item then they don’t get to have said item or time for the rest of the day or the following day. “First then” could work too. First we do this then this after. Picture chore list are helpful too. Let’s them know the expectations of the day. Like a shower head picture let’s em know that at some point that evening a shower is due and other chores
Tldr it sounds like you’re just upset because your spouse is. If he can’t accept the kids being kids then he needs to leave. Do not compromise your children being children for someone who doesn’t get it. And if your kid has adhd you can not handle things like you would normally. They do things out of impulse. And it takes repeating yourself for children with adhd to do things. Patients is what they need
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Negative punishment never works with my son. He responds much better to positive reinforcement - so instead of punishing for not doing things, he has to earn almost every privilege to begin with. It isn’t giving him anything extra, just approaching it from a different angle. It’s the most helpful thing to get my son to do what he is supposed to.
It’s not foolproof, there are still struggles sometimes, but it helps a lot. Best of luck I know how hard it is and how it can make you feel as a parent. 
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I listened to a podcast once on why kids don’t listen until you raise your voice. It’s because you taught them that you aren’t serious until you shout.
It’s like how we set multiple alarms in the morning but we know we will just keep snoozing until the third one.
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Change your method of consequence. Screaming and repeating yourself a million times is clearly not working. Try reinforcing appropriate behaviors more often. I think we focus so much on the undesired behaviors we don’t realize rewarding desired behaviors are so much more effective for behavior change. You also have to remember that your child has a disability. You need to give him time to process things. Lots of Visuals! Timers! Structure! Create a daily routine chart with times and what you expect children to do. Example, Let them work for something rewarding like ice cream or a movie before bed. Write it like, IF I DO THIS…. 3pm homework, 4pm read a book, 5pm dinner, 6pm take out the trash, 7 pm shower, etc. THEN I WILL EARN ICE CREAM BEFORE BED! If you know that every time you want them to take a bath they start behaving a certain way then you need to come up with a strategy BEFORE they engage in a behavior during bath time. My son has a schedule for what is expected to be done during the morning because the mornings were tough. I don’t say anything anymore, I hand it to him and he knows what to do. It’s literally steps for his morning routine and upon completion of each step he places a smiley next to it. When all is done he shows me he is ready and I make a big deal with verbal praise like wow look at you so handsome can’t believe how fast you are getting ready are you the flash? Let me see you run, ready, set, go and we race to the car! It’s literally little things like that that makes him want to do the right thing. If I was always getting yelled at, I’d have anxiety too. Make life easier and enjoyable for you and your children!
The book “driven to distraction” helpful with adhd Maybe counseling and with step parents - most counselors suggest the bio parent does the discipline
It’s adhd meds only go so far. Behavioral therapy and transitional practice. You need traction all practice to and a scheduled routine for hygiene for him not a go get in the shower when you say to.