Long story short, both my husband and his ex did a poor job at putting their kids first. BOTH of them. They separated when the kids were 12 and 8 and always split the kids with one living with mom other with dad. They allowed the hate they had for each other to prevent them from co-parenting. Because of this, I’ve always had a soft spot for his daughter and let things slide until now. She is 28 and has always had a major attitude problem, just never with me, or at least to my face. She has not maintained a consistent relationship with my kids, especially my oldest, who is 15. The one time we had a disagreement was when she would constantly make plans with my oldest and never show up. She’s been doing that to her since she was eight, so my daughter stopped talking to her. The husband’s daughter was very offended, so I explained that it’s because she tells her she is coming and does not show up, and she got upset and totally denied it. I think that’s where the rift really began. Son and I get along great, and daughter and I used to get together until recently I noticed she would hesitate to give me a hug (like left me hanging with open arms in front of everyone on more than one occasion) and didn’t speak to me much during gatherings. Come to find out that during an argument, my stupid husband vented a lot of our problems to her, where he made himself appear favorable, and I think that has put a tremendous strain in my and her relationship. This also happened with his mother, and we ended up making up just shy of her passing away. She came over last night and brought gifts for everyone except for me. I was in my room asleep (I work nights), and I realized this. Nothing new as she never calls me for my birthday or Mother’s Day, but this time I tooK this as sending a message. So now I want nothing to do with her. I think that this was my final straw, and I’m gratefully taking a major step back. Before, I would be the one to get them expensive gifts, even if the husband only wanted to spend $20. I always encouraged him to spend one on one time with his kids, but he always wanted me present, and I would tell him to go by himself, but he wouldn’t. He is used to them (son and daughter) treating him poorly, but I’ve always justified it because of how difficult he can be. His son has told me that he only comes over once he makes sure I’m here. My husband is a good man who loves his kids but has a bad temper. I would like to know how you deal with your husband’s daughter as far as holidays, birthdays, and even with the death of a husband. My mind is running wild as far as how things will pan out.
You did your job by helping raise her momma. As an adult your doing the right thing by just pulling away n let things be for your own sanity. I say still remain kind and show you are the bigger person . I have a stepdaughter but she is still only 7 and we get along great. Just last yr she started telling me she loves me so I sure hope she always will.
The death of a husband? 
Sounds like you’re making excuses as to why your husband doesnt need to act like a grown man.
Shes 28. Shes a grown ass women. She can have her own opinion of you
She is a grown women and so are you. Some people avoid dealing with topics which I’d what you seem to want. You.seem to talk to like you truly care for her. But are so easily to dismiss her. Just an idea. Why dont you ask her to go out for dinner just you and her. Be honest. Tell her you care about her and sre hurt.
Narcissism is strong in him…
Girl I would act like the bitch doesn’t exist! Disrespect can go both ways! And she’s old enough to know better
Just be there for her. Dont go out of your way to do extra but be there when she needs you. She will come around.
Do NOTHING. Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle for you, she will get the message sooner or later if she grows up eventually. Maybe you, dad and kids can do a family therapy or just dad and kids?
Sounds like you’re husband needs to tell her he’s sorry for bringing your marital problems to her and he was just venting. If he can’t (or want) to be a man and handle it then I would be nice yet back away. When it’s time for gift giving, I’d tell hubby this is all on you from now on until you make it right. If he doesn’t step up to the plate and fix what HE broke then let him do all dealings with her from now on.
your husband shouldn’t be airing your problems with each other to his daughter. After that, just be there, expect nothing from her & then you won’t be disappointed
You sound awesome, but it sounds like all the pressure of everyone’s issues are resting on you, and that’s super unfair. I guess I would have a mandatory family dinner with everybody and air my feelings to all and then they can do with that information as they please 
you can only try for so long before it becomes a chore.
Therapy for everyone! Hubs sounds like he has to deal with anger & self-centeredness, daughter to see things as an adult & not as Daddy’s little girl, you to be able to deal effectively with both. Take care of yourself and your bio kids first and worry about hubs & adult step kids after.
You just need to sit down with your husband and step daughter. Tell them both how much you love abd care for them and explain why the strain in relationship is hurting you. You should also pull your husband aside and explain to him that venting to his children or family members about you, is not okay and it affects how they treat you. Been there!!!
She is 28, she is an adult and it sounds like maybe she had to grow up too fast and is struggling with how to express her feelings in a genuine way. Also, been there myself!
Sounds like your husband is the problem. He did the same with the ex wife to get the kids to be on his side, he raised the daughter to be this way, then he told her all about your issues because he was mad at you. Smh. The daughter is the way she is because of the man you married (and her mother I’m sure).
Maybe your husband needs to talk with his daughter and tell her he was just being petty and childish because he was mad at you. That his daughter shouldn’t take her anger out on you because of his stupidity. She is always going to be on daddy’s side. If he keeps running his mouth to her, you and her will never have a good relationship
She is still a lil broken girl inside screaming for unconditional acceptance for who she is.
Her behaviour is taught and although ur bond was close… she possibly feels somewhat pushed out but your relationship with your own children.
Talk to her…
My guess is she has that mentality of “I will hurt you, before you hurt me”.
His daughter is 28 and far old enough to understand how to properly treat people. If your husband said things to her that have made your relationship with her challenging, he should fix it. I don’t have much to do with my husband’s children because they’ve been taught it’s acceptable to treat me (as well as him) with disrespect. My husband’s son is decent and he and his father have a decent relationship, which I have completely removed myself from. We (son and I) are polite to each other on the rare occasion we see each other, but that is all. I do not have anything to do with his daughter and at this point am not interested in changing that. I do not participate in gift giving, etc., for either of his children. My husband does all of that on his own and I do not interfere with whatever he chooses to do for them. Toxic parents are seriously the worst and I honestly don’t have any idea why people do it. Although I don’t personally like my ex, our children don’t hear negative things from either of us (me or their father), nor would it ever be acceptable for either of them to be disrespectful to him or his gf/spouse. Ugh…
She is grown and acting like kid and he is telling her bullshit get out save yourself and daughter the issues
No need to put yourself in an awkward position
Blended families can be a beautiful thing — mine, his, THEY ARE ALL OURS 
But sounds like his daughter is grown.
If his daughter doesn’t have the good manners to greet you when coming into your home. You should say something to her about it, if your husband doesn’t
He should respect his wife enough not to tolerate this kind of behavior.
In the end, as much as it hurts or bother you
Focus your time and attention on your children that want to speak and spend time with you at family gatherings and ignore her childish and rude behavior.
Once she sees that it no longer bothers you, she will hopefully stop.
You do not have to allow her to continue to disrespect you in your own home
Good luck
I stopped reading after you said it was your final straw blah blah blah… First if your daughter knew that your husband daughter make plans and never made it then who’s the other at fault to keep on doing plans with her? Also gifts aren’t a big deal if you aren’t going to deal with her anymore and make it an awkward situation make sure that it isn’t because of the dumb gifts. sounds like you had dealed with her with worst than just gifts, I’m guessing she recents you from something it is not to late to fix your relationship with her, unless she’s resentful because she never saw a mother figure on you since she was little and you made her aware that she was just your husband daughter and your daughter had priorities in your home.
My son from my husbands first marriage used to come over every weekend would tell us he wants to live with us and would sit and talk to me for hours. Then one day he stopped coming. Told my husband he didnt want to see us anymore. My husband has seen him once in about 2 years away from the home as he wouldnt come here. He is now 14 but it broke my heart. I would have done anything for him. I let it hurt me for a long time then one day I woke up and thought this isnt my fault, he will come when he is ready, I need to let it go and be happy. So I did. I dont beat myself up every day anymore. I’m happy and I know he will come round again some day xxx wishing you all the best xxx
I wrote my manipulative step daughter off years ago! My husband has too. She uses the fact that her parents are divorced to get attention. I was very good to her. She bad mouthed me behind my back and I called her out on it. Now I’m the bad guy! Even though I stuck up for her when others bad mouthed her. Her father saw her manipulative ways and wrote her off 3 years ago. We are much happier without her non stop drama!
Sounds like you need to let it go and be happy in life. If she chooses not to be around then let her. No need for you to be unhappy due to other peoples actions
It sounds like your husband has made a big mess and needs to do his best at cleaning it up. I think all you can do is be consistent and be kind to her.
Why do u call them his kids?? My husbands kids are my kids. They are our children period. No they arent mine by blood but they are by love! No favoritism should b shown. Your a family not 2 separate familys. Kinda sounds like u have 2 devided family
Well clearly this is your husband’s fault. He had no right telling the daughter all the business. He will need to do that. However your house your rules. If she wanna be disrespectful she can take her ass on somewhere. She a grown women not a child.
Wow, I married a man who had children by a prior marriage. I get the feeling they tolerate me. It seems to me that when we have been together 38 years and they can see I love their father they would want him happy. But last year when the granddaughter was married we were asked Not to attend. And she asked that I not say anything on FB which I never do until now. I messaged her and said I don’t care if I am Ever invited but their father is still their father and should have been. These are supposedly “christian” people. Not the christian way I was raised apparantly… I just don’t say anything and keep my peace of mind. Not worth the hassle… They call him “once in a while”, don’t talk to me and that’s fine… I feel “their loss”… I am a very kind person but enough is enough…
Stop forcing it. Shes a grown adult and will make her own decisions just be civil
She’s grown she dont want to be apart of your life that’s her choice. Let it go and move on
Lol you can’t control what people do nor how they think. Concede to the fact that people may not like you and they may not like you for all the wrong reasons. How you carry yourself thru it is what matters, not how much you can or cannot control. Be a good parent regardless of how it’s received and history will be on your side.
If my husband were airing our dirty laundry behind my back, complaining to someone else instead of trying to talk to me about our problems, I would be done. He has zero respect for you. You are supposed to stand up for your spouse against everyone
my parents split when I was 12. They don’t get along. Do not press the matter, let her know you care about her and remind her that you are there for her every now and then. Maybe even suggest going to get hot chocolate or coffee, sandwiches etc every now and then too and let her choose when. If she declines tell her if she changes her mind the offer stands any time. But don’t push it, you will just push her back.
How did it go from working on things with the daughter to dealing with the death if a husband… or am I the only one who caught that… As far as the daughter, she’s grown and sounds toxic I’d cut her out of my life as much as possible. And for the husband I’d have a REAL conversation with him about talking to his CHILDREN about your problems.
I would definitely be having a come to Jesus meeting with your husband about keeping y’all’s business y’all’s business. If he does it to his daughter… He’ll do the same to yours. Not cool
Don’t worry beg o cry.shes grwn.ungratfl n rude.you done all you cn.do nomo.wlk away.tk.care o your own kids happiness.no more kissing up.treat urself.ur the Best🌹
A bad temper is due to lack of self control, period.
Sounds familiar… Prayer
You contradicted yourself… You said your husband has not been a good day to hid older kids- then you said he’ s a good dad… Do you mean he is a good dad to the kids you have together? If so, I would wonder if that wasn’t just for show and also how would he treat the kids if you were to seperate? Also, you said he always tells others about marital problems, but then said he is a good husband…
What I wanted to say was- if you want a change it will have to be your actions to do it. I’m sure the daughter is probably hurt considering he told her only God knows what and she probably feels betrayed that you would treat her dad bad… You both are grown… Find a way to bring it up and make it right with her.
My advise would be to never give up especially if you care for her and them. Don’t be that tit for tat step mom. Show love at all times. If she is mad over something and leaves u out don’t return the favor. Be ur best you.