After reading alot of the comments I felt i should add something. I have two girls, 14 and 17… Theyre great kids and we have a fully open relationship talk about everything and anything no holds bar if you get my drift. That said, my 17yr old will absolutely lie through her teeth about anything… Kids are different and what works for one wont always work for the others, my 14yr old will talk to me about her feelings aboht sex, baking, first time she was offered weed, first kiss, literally nothing she isnt self aware about and willing to talk about but my 17 yr old has never been so open, she’ll talk about stuf2f but when it comes to coming clean about stuff I dont hold my breath. You do what you feel is best for your daughter, friends play a huge role in life and idc what anyone says 9 times out of 10 if u surround urself with troublemakers you’ll become one.
My mom didnt give a fk what I did growing up, caught me having sex, found my weed, bailed me out of jail and I was never even grounded not once… I ended up kicked out at 17, homeless, knocked up by an abusive pos, dropped out of school and on a path of self destruction, sometimes kids do need a parent to parent them and push them to succeed… Some might do great with less rules and more freedom but that’s often not thr case
Sorry in advance this is gna be long but I hope it helps also what worked for me may not work for you but I will say seek out a counselor bc sometimes it is our reactions that push our kids away further …. Me and my daughter went through this when she was in 7th grade and it got pretty bad real fast ! But now she is a freshman in high school and she worries about her grades, she is in deca and the interact club and we talk daily about everything in her life:heart:
she still struggles with decision making and I’m glad I am able to be her ear of reasoning but I see every day she is making good choices for herself and her future 
So here goes… I was the parent who fears the worst for her kids bc of my upbringing and past trauma
I never let her spend the night with anyone I never let her go to the movies I never let her do anything unless I was around…
Now we butt heads hard in her 7th grade year so bad one day I found very provocative pictures of her and flipped out and broke her phone over my knee right in front of her … that same day I called a counselor and went to see him … I learned that with my thinking I wasn’t allowing her to make her own choices with my trust. I was pretty much telling her with my actions I’m not allowing you to do so bc I can’t trust you … I had to sit my daughter down and let her know how much I loved her let her know the reason as to why I was overprotective of her (my bio mom was a drug addict and alcoholic and I was molested several times ) my daughter only knew that my mother wasn’t a very good mom, letting her know my past it helped her realize why I was so overprotective … We talked and talked cried and cried and hugged each other and started a new chapter in our life’s she let go of the friends she was hanging out and now she is such a good kid and I couldn’t be more proud of her !! (Again sorry for such a long post )
My parents were very strict, that made me act out bc I felt like I had zero control of my life. Let he do some stuff, that’s how she’ll learn valuable lessons.
counseling ? for being a normal teenager who’s going to test the boundaries!!!She at that age she’s not going to tell on friends that’s not what you do these days contacting kids parents just embarrasses your child and makes it hard for her to have friends in school she doesn’t need to tell u how she got it … you have it that’s what matters telling on other kids results in your child getting picked on and you can’t take every friend away that you don’t like and blame them for your child’s behavior she know not to do it but she choose to anyway !! Just my opinion I went threw the teenage yrs with my kids now I have teenage grandkids …nothing wrong with consequences for her behavior like Taking her phone nothing wrong with that or giving her chores those are things she probley hates . most of all communicate with her talk with her express to her why you feel the trust has been broken with her let her express her feelings also … the stricter you are the Sneakier she’ll become
Explain your upset with out yelling and yell at this age mistakes are made but remember some can’t be taken back like when your older getting cancer from vaporing or having a child real young who gonna raise the little one when you have school things like that but most importantly is the company you are with but never lie you have lose trust and may never get it back
She is about to a teenager and probably just following the crowd and wants to be “cool” like them. Have a talk with her about why all of that stuff is not good. How those aren’t her real friends if they keep getting in her trouble. Have a day of just you and her. She will resist it but I bet it will help. And let her make some mistakes and learn the hard way. You can give her her phone back but put a parenting app on it so you can locate it, track what she downloads and and lock it when you don’t want her on it. Parenting a teen is the hardest job you will ever have. But you don’t want to be to strict because she will rebel and you don’t want to be lenient or she will take advantage. You have to find the perfect balance. Good luck mama.
If you keep having ago and making a big deal about it and going as far as banning her from seeing those girls she’ll rebel and then you’ll have it hard. You also can’t blame the girls for her behaviour, she’s changing, maybe she’s eager for freedom that’s why she’s playing up? Yes peer pressure is a thing but you’ve also got your own mind I’m onlh 24 and as a teen my friends would be smoking and other stuff and I said no thanks and didn’t because I didn’t want to so remember banning her from those girls could make her just go to an even worse group she’s turning into a teen you need to find moral ground so she’s able to talk to you
I can tell you from personal experience both as your child and you that you can forbid her from hanging out with these girls at all. I mean you can say it but she’s still going to do it. The best thing that you can do (from a therapist perspective and as a parent) is to tell her said dangers of the things that she’s doing or could be doing to get her in trouble not only with you but the law as well. The best action you take is clear communication. After you tell her what could happen explain the boundaries that you expect and the consequences for said actions and why.
At that age is all about social acceptance. So vaping and sex is the ‘in thing’ unfortunately.
She’s obviously scared of something or someone rather than punish her talk to her find out the situation
Lawd I’m not ready for my daughter to be this old 
Shes 12… One and done. All this is gonna make her hide stuff more. Mother of 4… 8 to 17
Been there! Hard age for kids and she’s just getting started, unfortunately. Peer pressure is real. Get her into sports, dance,theatre,playing an instrument, horses, volunteering. Change her focus onto something she loves. Down time can be good or bad for kids depending on how they spend it. Friend choices come with huge responsibility to the child. Everyone friend she has, don’t hesitate to reach out and get to know the parents of them and stay in constant contact. Just my opinion.
my oldest is 22, youngest is 17… whatever you were into at their age, its worse because they have more sources for everything… im sorry you’re going thru this & your daughter needs a reality check… what works for some parents will not work for all…
I have no experience with this but maybe try and say that it’s ok to experiment with things but that’s something ur not ok with, im not saying be her friend but if she feels like she can trust u n kno u won’t get mad maybe she will talk to u more often when other things arise, good luck though that’s a very hard age 
I once told my son I was trying my best to keep him safe and create a good person. He was my first, so had to wing it. We were not at a good place. If he had any ideas how to make it better-let me know. Until the if he acted like a 5 year old he would be treated as such. I would hold his hand 24/7. If he wanted to be treated in a more mature way then he had to act more mature and accept the guidance and discipline. Than God he chose to listen
Sit down and have an honest conversation with her, not disciplinary but hear her out, ask questions, and allow her to be honest without you getting mad. Once she is done, validate her and set ground rules. Last but not least follow-up, acknowledge good behaviors and follow through with consequences.
Hey so this is coming from a daughter of a mother who was strict as all heck. We weren’t allowed to have our phones after 8 pm and she could go through them freely whenever she pleased and had no problem beating on us if we didn’t listen. We weren’t allowed to wear make up until 16 we weren’t allowed to date until 16, my sister had a secret boyfriend for a few months when we were 14, somehow mama caught his text calling her babe, and she nearly snapped her phone and proceeded to yell scream and hit my sister. Personally if she wasnt so strict my sister probably would have never hid her bf in the first place. We weren’t allowed to go out with friends at all, no hanging out at their houses no movies no mall NOTHING. We weren’t allowed to have sleepovers and weren’t allowed to sleep over at someone else’s house except one person and that was my moms best friend who had daughters around our age, we became maids and babysitters, her excuse for not letting us go to the movies was she needed us to watch our 3 youngest siblings, was watching our siblings since we were 6 years old so we weren’t allowed to do anything, and we had to become slaves and beg and plead to go to school dances. You know what that got us? Especially me and our brother, a secret word to say to each other when we were going to sneak out of the house, a secret place at the house to stash our weed cigs and alcohol. Im not saying we would have never tried these things even with freedom from being prisoners in our own home, but it def didn’t help the situation. At this time I was 16 going in 17 and my brother was 14 going on 15, my brother being the only boy had more leeway then us girls did but he still did the same things weed cigs alcohol and even sex and he did ALL that stuff before I did even though my mom yelled and screamed at me for being a bad influence on him. We were allowed to hang out in the library after school since about 14 and we used that as our outlet, we would having with friends be in internet etc Manga saved my sanity at that library. My sister even hung out and schmoozed with her boyfriend in the back of the shelves. I tried to see where she was coming from, her parents didn’t care and she got knocked up with us at 15, but doesn’t mean it was okay what she did with us. Tbh my mom was a shitty ass mom for a good chunk of my life and I constantly reminded her of this as a teenager every chance I got to. My mom got us taken away at 8 years old by cps for abuse and neglect and we didn’t come back to her until we were 11 and it wasn’t so bad after that but it was def bad enough. This time around though my mom had our little sister, and she let her get away with murder, she was allowed to do what she wanted whenever she wanted with who she wanted her whole life, while I was getting screamed at and things thrown at me at 17 for refusing to do something around the house for her, my 6 year old sister was going to a play date at someone else’s house. My mom was rarely confrontational with her, barely punished her and everything we weren’t allowed to do, she was. And sooner then us too. My inner child’s hope was that she saw were she went wrong with us and didn’t do it with her or our youngest sister who she’s had since 10 months old. She was the youngest but still had to abide by a lot of rules like us but not nearly as bad, but the one she let do what she wanted whenever she wanted up until she became pregnant at 16/17 when she couldn’t do what she wanted anymore because kid. Its tough, being extremely controlling and strict with your kids because that equals sneaky kids 95% of the time but also not being strict AT ALL equaled my 2nd youngest sister thinking she was better then everyone else and then getting knocked up. My only brother who had more freedom then us oldest daughters had his child at 19. Us 2 oldest daughters were sneaky and rebelling and we lied about what we were doing ALOT, disrespected her alot, because of how she treated us. But we learned alot about what we didn’t want in life, had my first at 23 she had her first at 25, and were raising our kids ALOT better then she EVER treated us. It depends on your child’s maturity as well. The two kids she let do pretty much whatever they wanted were teen parents and have strained relationships with my mom, our youngest sister who is 15 now has a strained relationship with her as well. my sister and I who are almost 30 have a better relationship with our mom now but that wasn’t until we because adults and she no longer could control us and she is a way better grandma then she has ever been a mom. I know this is long and winded but its to show what happens when you’re a controlling strict parent and what happens when you are the total opposite with other siblings. My family is a perfect example of why you need to find a balance between strict and not strict. I believe you are going to create a sneaky child if you keep upping the ante. You need to find a balance and find it fast.
If the vape was the most popular ones they sell, it’s disposable and probably been thrown in the trash after it was empty.
If you put too much control on your kid it’s gonna turn into a far worse matter than simply vaping. If you let her do whatever she wants she’s going to learn a very hard lesson. There has to be a balance between and you have to find that balance. She’s going to hang out with those kids there’s no way you’re going to be able to control that’s all you can do is start making the parents where in the school aware of what’s going on. Get her involved in some activity so she’s got something to do. She’s gonna say she don’t wanna do anything, but she will.
She made some bad choices and possibly some bad friends. I feel for you, I really do but part of it is her age. Stay consistent but try not to embarrassed her too much.
Have sleep over and let them hang out and watch a movie and play a broad game take them to the movies skating something to keep her mind straight and be there like a friend with them but let them have sleep overs and tell them this is allowed and what’s not allowed. I just went through this with my 18 year old good luck 
I have a 13 yo daughter. She does not do stuff like this. Not to judge or brag, I’m 10000% sure I just got lucky. I was sexually active at 12 and did these things, smoking drinking etc. So, I prepared myself for her to possibly do the same. I remember my mom being super strict but also distracted. With my daughter, I let her make choices and we talk. She will tell anyone that she tells her mom everything. If she wants to do something I ask if I can give her a ride. If she goes to a friend’s, I confirm with parents, but not out of distrust but so I have their number if needed and to make sure they invited and weren’t pressured to host. I let her wear what she wants so long as weather appropriate, including crop tops and uniform skirts. We dyed her hair purple recently. 
She doesn’t rebel because she is just a good kid with an old soul; but also she doesnt have anything to rebel against. (Her 3yo sister is already giving me a run for my money).
Mmmm, instead of all these punishments, have you tried talking to her?
She’s clearly trying to fit in and be apart of something though not the right group that’s what it is, I started smoking weed at 12 due to heavy depression an anxiety, still smoke to this day at 24, instead of taking all these things from her and giving her more chores and less freedom which will only depress her and make her feel sufficed and trapped likely to act out more you should talk to her, ask her why she chose this group, why she wants to hangout with them, why she feels like she needs to lie and do these things and go from there.
Let’s not act like as girls we didn’t get to an age where we just wanted to fit in and have a group and be accepted, no matter the costs.
She does care that is why she said thank you. Remember kids can’t see around corners until 26 so you just saved her. Yeah she lied get ready because she is at that age. You did the right thing and stick to your guns. From what you say she seems to be a good kid I would punish, keep consistent, and love her because she may want to do the right thing she is just with bad people who dont have parents like you.
Unpopular opinion I’m guessing, but she is 12!!! If this is new behavior since meeting these girls, I would absolutely forbid her from hanging out with them. You were right to take her phone as well. I consider that a natural consequence since she obviously is behaving inappropriately with it. Thankfully she didn’t have sex, but she is really wanting people to think she did- to go as far as to fake a used condom is concerning. Honestly it sounds like she met some older girls who have proven to be a bad influence (not an excuse, she is still 100% responsible for her actions) and she is trying hard to fit it.
I went through a stage like this around her age, and thank God my mom grounded me and forbid me from being friends with those girls. They ended up in trouble all the time and one got pregnant at 15 and dropped out of school.
I think the best thing you can do is spend as much time as possible with her. Talk and really listen to what she says. Try to help her understand the long term consequences of her behaviors, but take a no nonsense approach to keeping your baby safe. Those girls and her phone would be a hard no for me.
The vaping at 12 seems to me like a cry for help. I started stealing my parents cigarettes at age 13/14 but it was honestly for attention because I didn’t feel like I was being listened to as a kid. 12-15 is a really rough time for most girls especially when the peer pressure is so high because “everyone’s doing it”. I agree discipline is needed but I would also just sit down and talk with her, and let her know that lying and hiding things is only going to get her into more trouble. I’d let her know it’s okay to be curious but that’s when you need to ask about things instead of just doing them because sometimes the consequences can be nasty, especially with all the fake vapes going around.
Have a sit down talk with her and see what is going on ;
Back off. She’s heard you. Isolating her and constantly reminding her of your expectations or allowances you make to let her leave the house will backfire. On you.
12yo…vaping?.. i pray for you… i have one 12yo girl too… really hope things when well with them growing…
She’s at the age where she’s going to test limits, she’s going to try to see where she fits in among the crowd. Just stick to your guns.
You are not alone. My daughter is 12 and is starting to push some boundaries. She has some serious health conditions which means she has to take medication everyday and even with reminders from me and on her phone she is not doing it. I don’t know what punishment to give so ive gone back to calling her down and getting her to take them infront of me.
I’ve also had to talk about the vaping, shes interested in vaping and I know she will end up trying it. Not sure how to stop it 
.
Tell their parents and the school
12 years old is when I started going down hill… badly. I started smoking cigarettes and doing drugs… my mom tried everything and nothing helped me. 100% of it was the people I was hanging out with. Even when I wasn’t allowed to see them I always found a way. Good luck.
I think what you are doing is right. 12 years old and vaping? Thinking about having sex? No no no. She’s too young. Her friends are clearly bad influences on her. I would definitely have a heart to heart and not only talk to her about her feelings but explain the consequences! Getting pregnant, vaping is bad for her lungs, blah blah blah. I would also talk to the other girls parents cause they obviously used your daughter for the lie as an excuse for them and thought it was funny. Kids are mean these days. Take her door off and her bed 
you’re a good mama! You got this!
I am sure you NEVER did anything wrong when you were her age or chose to it, !!! I understand your point, but if this is all she is doing wrong, take that because it could be worst, I would talk to her about vaping, definitely not safe, but I was taken a few puffs from cigarettes back then, (I am not a smoker) You need to really sit down with your daughter & talk to her, I told mine, I can’t stop her from doing drugs…pot, or smoking, or drinking, but I prefer she didn’t. Or having sex with her boyfriend (I said that when she was older) but never let him tell her if she loved him, she would do it, This was her choice, Again, teenagers are going to try, But be honest with them, Talk to them. My parents gave me permission to smoke cigarettes when I was about 14, But i had to buy them, Since I babysat to earn money, I really figured I would rather spend my money on something else instead of cigarettes. When my daughter got older & went to parties, I told her never to get into a car with anyone who was drinking. Seh was to call me, no matter what, no lectures, no grounding, just call me & i would pick her up because I rather have her be safe, then get into a car with someone who was drinking & get into an accident, Can’t tell you how many times she did, But she was safe. She also told me the first day in HS someone tried selling her drugs, That I didn’t expect, I ask her did she, she said NO, I waited a few wks & asked her if the girl tried again selling her drug & she said no, b ut other kids were. In other words it;s better to sit your daughter down & talk to her, You have to tell her you don’t want her to do these things, but you also have to remember she is trying to fit in, And you have to talk to her that there are other ways to do this, Listen to her, don’t argue with her, talk to her. Oh & don’t force her to give you the person’s name who gave her the vaping thing. It seems like she is glad you caught her, now again just talk to her, listen to her
Put her in sports let her choose the sport but tell her she needs to pick one keep her super busy with very little downtime it’s a lot of work for the parent but well worth the effort
You need to take a step back and remember what peer pressure is like and how mean kids can be. Now times it by a million with all the social media out there. Try being there as a friend with her. She’s going through things and would rather lie than tell the truth, even when caught. If she’s not usually like this, see it as a red flag and try to help her through it. Kids are going to experiment, you need to gain her trust to talk to you about it. Her taking a picture of a condom and saying she had sex is a perfect example in showing you there’s a lot going on right now and she’s trying to navigate how to handle it. You should be happy she’s not having sex yet, but clearly it’s being talked about and there’s probably kids in her class who has. Kids are having sex younger and younger I feel like so it’s just something we need to be aware of as parents and look for the signs so we can help them.
Have a talk with her, let her know she is being punished for the lying and that is unacceptable. Let her know you’re there for her to talk to and you’d rather hear the truth and try to help her than being lied to. Good luck mama! Sounds like she’s a good kid just hanging out with a bad crowd trying to fit in.
I’m wondering, did she lie so you would come get her? Maybe she’s trying to reach out to you. Try having a conversation, not a lecture or telling her what she’s doing wrong. Maybe some one on one time? It’s a hard age. She needs you.
She hiding things because you’re strict
You have to love her unconditionally and explain your concerns. However, you can not demand and receive respect, honesty and obedience. The more rigid and demanding you become, the more likely you are to make her more sneaky, dishonest and rebellious. Let her know that you love her, disapprove of her behavior because they can have serious consequences and that no matter what she needs that she can call you. Please don’t take her phone when she’s not home…you both need that connection. 
Just saying if she was my 12 year old she would not be hanging out with anyone without adult supervision. I would make her earn my trust back. And she would be in lock down at the moment if she moved I would be her closest shadow. And I would set time limits on her activities and they would be non negotiable for the time being
Wow at the parents saying this lady is being too strict! U got to be strict now days or your kids run you… Sorry aint happening 🤷
Been there,done that,& wrote the f’n book🤦♀️…So far I have broken 3 phones belong to my daughter (2 on purpose)…Now she’s nearly 18 & what else do u do🤷🏼♀️…She is clearly testing every limit u have…Take her phone,(cut it off,even for a short time),give her a curfew,do whatever u have to do to keep her fr going down the bad path…U may have to give her a bit of tough love, but it’s better to do that than see her wind up in jail or worst…Good luck
Kids are not not going to follow rules all the time. She is finding her group at school to fit in. She is a teenager. Welcome to not having a little child that you can control every move🤣 im telling you it does get harder the older kids get.
I have 3 daughters (ages 25, 13 and then a 4 month old). My oldest never lied to me. So far my 13 yr old has been pretty good. There have been times when I’ve had to discipline for various reasons though. Obviously, dealing with teenagers they’re not going to be perfectly behaved all the time. I will say this, if you start calling everyone your child will start getting bullied and have no friends. Ultimately your daughter chose to do something she knew she wasn’t supposed to do. You can’t really blame others for it. She knew it was wrong and still did it. Punish her and leave it at that. Ground her, take her phone, etc but don’t make her a target for bullying because trust me when I say middle school girls are some of the most viscous creatures on the planet. You can make all the calls you want and you still won’t get the answers you want.
It sounds like shes trying to impress or get the kids to like her. Does she get bullied at all does she have friends I mean decent friends? I’d be making sure she knows it’s cool not to do those things it’s cool to be 12 and act 12. Tell her what happens when kids start to behave like that tell them where they are likely to end up. Tell her u love her just the way she is and it doesn’t matter what others think of her specially in school. I am also strict I spoke with parents of my sons friends till he was 18 I also have a 16 14 11 and 5 yr olds. None of them get phones till they can prove to be responsible with them. None of them have social media well the 16 girl does but only insta. The teens have told me when they tried vaping none of them do it all them time they dont like it. My oldest told me before he was going to have sex and he was prepared. Strict isnt bad!!! Giving them the confidence to say no and the self love to stick to the decision no matter what anyone says!!!
You should google the Deserae Turner story in Utah and share this with her. This is a very real story of a 14 year old girl, who one time made plans that her mom was not aware of and one time in nearly cost her, her life. This story is a great example of why parents have rules, even in small towns. It is a story of a girl trying to be cool in front of friends.
I would contact the counselor at her school. Tell him/her the whole situation and ask for advice. The counselor may have a group that your daughter can go into that focuses on these challenges. Keep her away from those friends as much as possible or have them under your supervision at your house.
The more you say no to something the more she will do it. She is in the process of going from a child to a women and all that that entails. Pick your battles with her decide what are the most important. She will make mistakes and so will you. Its a journey some would say a minefield but 99% come out the otherside as good adults.Dont make her life all rules and regulations because she will fight you back and there is never a good outcome. She will test your boundaries because that’s how she will find out who she is not a copy of what you want her to be.Good luck your in for a bumpy ride but what a wonderful reward when you emerge out the otherside. Just remember to let her know that you love her every day unconditionally.
Why are you involving the school and others? This is a you and your daughter problem. I would instead of locking her down and isolating her, I would reach out to a counselor. Sounds like it would be good for both of you. There is a breakdown in your communication and line of trust.
Let go of finding out who gave it to her, it really won’t change anything. Focus on you and her and stop focusing on where she got it. Why is she vaping? Discuss how people swap our liquids in those vapes and she doesn’t know what she is vaping.
Good luck mom.
I don’t have advice here, but all I can say is the more strict and rigid you become regarding this, the more sneaky and rebellious she’ll be. I would try to have an open line of communication with her rather than shutting her off from all her friends, etc. she will still hang out with them, most likely without your knowledge. Let her know your trust is broken, and needs to be earned back, and you’re only doing this to protect her from the bad things of this world. Vaping isn’t the end of the world, she could be doing way worse, imo. See if something else is going on, those friends don’t sound like good friends, so what attracts her to them? Is she trying to be “cool”? Sit down and talk with her, as a mom to daughter without getting upset.
I don’t understand and I almost feel like it’s the new form of mom shaming to tell parents that “they’re too strict and that’s why their kids hide things” … This is really an unhelpful statement and solves nothing. So you’re just supposed to not have boundaries or limits for your children and not have consequences when they do things that they know they are not supposed to do?
It is literally our JOB as parents to have rules and boundaries to keep our children safe.
Vaping is an absolute no. This isn’t being strict, this is being a parent.
Unfortunately welcome to the teenage years I’m on my 4th now
You need to take extra time with her and engage !!! With life experiences where she starts to see that’s your knowledge and rules are their to protect her !! I would take her to soup kitchen to volunteer but you go with !! Life experiences !! Got to a horse ranch and learn to ride !! Do something to challenges her 
adult choose making skills while you are present to show her how to adult and why it’s important to be honest and open with you that your not trying to control her
You can’t make me but I can be persuaded by Cynthia Tobias
Talk to your daughter and reassure her that she doesn’t need to lie to you or play games with you. Conversation is 
this will happen again if you understand whats really going on.
Lol call me. 907-205-9930
Get a system for you home thatbeeps when the doora and windows open. She will be sneaking out very soon.
Sorry but I was that girl and you have a few hard years ahead. Do what you can to keep her in at night. And I wouldn’t be so quick to say she isn’t having sex. Birth control is not a bad idea… I wouldn’t have been prepared at 17 if I’d had been on it.
She’s a teenager. This is going to happen.
I wouldn’t keep her from these girls because it’s only going to get worse if u do. However I would make it a rule they are only allowed to hang out at your house or with you present (in public) I would also be having a talk with these girls parents and allow them to know what they’re daughters are doing. Don’t do it in an accusation that it’s their fault because it very well might not be. But let them know u suspect them to be vaping as well as getting condoms from the school nurse because u caught ur child doing it and just to be safe u wanted to let them know they might have it as well or be doing it as well.
U need to have a sit down with ur daughter though about boundaries and consent and trust. Especially if she is talking about sex. I say this because at this age is when I was getting groomed by men online and didn’t know the difference and started having sex way earlier than I should. It’s one thing to be exploring her own body (safely) but it’s another to allow someone else to have access to her body. She needs to know how to be safe regardless and how to properly keep things clean (hands, objects, toys, etc.)
You also need to explain to her how vaping can cause issues for her later in life. I’m just now at 21 figuring out i have a bleb (medical term they used) in my lungs that if I vape could rupture and cause me serious issues.
Welcome to having a teenager. She is finding herself right now. Guide her, love her, support her and just be there… as for the you on her back about anything will only make her want to do it more. My kiddos are 15 and 17 they’re super honest with me and don’t lie because we’ve always had a open conversations about everything. Build trust with her and explain the importance of not lying to you and let her know she’s safe to come to you
Teenagers are hard. A little tough love might be in order. Mine just turned 14 and she tells me everything even if she thinks it’s going to upset me. Sometimes being more strict backfires. Try and have a conversation with her about honesty and try not to react harshly when she tells you she made mistakes or a bad judgement call. By reacting harshly you are showing her she can’t talk to you. The pressure to be cool and popular is really bad at this age and usually with right steps it’s just a phase. I’m in no way a perfect parent but me and my daughter are very close because I’ve always let her talk with no judgement.
Don’t keep doing what you’re doing. This is how my parents treated me. Let her be a teenager.
Talk to her!! And really LISTEN. She is a person, who is going through a difficult time. Growing up is hard. As a teen, I was just like your daughter, and I can tell you that if you just make more rules, she will just be sneakier and find more creative ways to break them. Get her involved in some wholesome extracurricular activities that she enjoys. Even though she probably will not want you physically at them with her, stay involved by communicating with her about them everyday. I know if I had been involved in activities enjoyed, I wouldn’t have gotten into half as much trouble as I did.
My mom tried all that and it made me do it more (when I was 16, 16 yrs ago) and in the process start lying. I hated her telling me I couldn’t hang out with my friends, and that’s when it started. Good luck momma, remember to talk to her, not at her.
Going through this exact situation with my daughter…she is 11! We have great communication she is just at a pivitol time when chosing friends and activitys…What helped us is trying to get her into some type of sport…youth group ect…my daughters phone has been removed and she no longer has accsess to any of the kids i feel have no home structure! We are reading a book called reviving ophila!! Hands down a must read.
The more you push the farther she will run.
Instead of worrying about where she got the vape, you need to explain to her what it could do to her. The more you try to lock her down, the more she will hide things from you. Allow the kids to hang out at your house. Ease up a little. Trust me. I went through it with both my boys.
The more rules you give her, the more she’s going to break them. Let her know you trust her and that she can come to you for ANYTHING
Not sure about yours, but when I caught my son vapeing, I told him I was more disappointed than mad. That killed him. He was in tears. Us being ticked is one thing, telling him I didn’t trust him made my point.
However, it’s time daddy steps in. Yelling and screaming won’t phase her. She’s ready for that. You acreaming No and keeping her locked up will not get the reaction you think. Being disappointed in her and behaving as such seemed to work with both mine.
That said, if you have pics of her vapeing, someone gave that to her. So, let the police know. Nothing wrong with making her sweat.
We have the same issue and just continues to get worse. I have tried strict parenting, friend parenting and everything in between my daughter has made it clear she will do what she wants when she wants, I feel for you. Teen girls suck! I hope you are able to find a good middle ground.
Get used to it now that she’s becoming a teenager. 
she is 12 she should not have been given permission at all her brain isn’t fully formed yet. Don’t call the parents . But have a heart to heart with no yelling be calm because otherwise you will only set her up to fail and do worse.
As a mother trust your gut! Don’t let anybody try and tell you what to do. She is your daughter you know what is best for her. When I was that age my momma did not play games I wasn’t just grounded I would get my ass beat! Not saying that’s the best route, but it worked! Teens are gonna do whatever they want anyway, and the technology these days don’t help at all! Make her try a sport she likes, most kids who play sports are decent and it will keep her occupied after school. Good luck momma you got this!!
Dont threaten her about going to parents the school… whatever.
First hand experience. If you do that, whatever shes doing will get worse. I can guarantee that.
That’s the age the start trying tf out of you … for absolutely no reason… hang in there
Tell her that she needs better friends
You are one of those parents that’s gonna make your kid run away just to go and be 1 of those kids. And I’m saying that because I was that kid my parents punished me just as you’re doing to your kid and guess what I did I got worse, so be prepared for a run away some never learn that communication is the right way of parenting.
You handled that all wrong. You will be lucky if she ever.confides in you again. Stop hounding her about the vape, if you would’ve went about the whole thing differently she probably wouldve opened up to u.
Okay I have three daughters, they are 20, 15, and 6yo. My mom was one of five girls, and my parents had me and my sister, so lots of girls! By no means am I an expert but I can share my experiences with my oldest two. My 20yo had straight A’s, I wasn’t super strict on her bc I rebelled some in HS bc my parents were very strict. My daughter drank a few times and told me and she called me to come get her bc I always told her not to drive but to call me if she needed me to come get her. She knew I wouldn’t be mean but once she drank and went to a party and her friend drove her home and she got sick all over my area rug and herself. I laughed and she laughed and I told her she had to clean my rug and the next morning she was so embarrassed and apologized over and over about the rug and she scrubbed it clean after taking it outside to clean it since it was so big. She learned her lesson and hasn’t gotten drunk since! She smoked weed a few times but knew I don’t allow drugs in my home. So I asked her where she hid it and she said her glovebox. I laughed and asked her if she gets pulled over by a cop what is the first thing they will ask for and where does she keep those items. She laughed and said omg I’m such an idiot! I said yes and don’t ever do that again or you will end up in jail and then I won’t be laughing with you!! She is engaged and just bought her first home and financed her first car bc hers was paid off we gave her at 16, she traded it in. She went to school and makes good money. She is a great kid and never drinks or smokes weed but she does vape, a juul. If that is the only thing she does then I think with all of the drugs out there and people dying from overdoses on fentynal and other drugs now days then I am fine with her vaping. This is my oldest and every child is different. So you do what you think is best and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or says bc it’s your children. Bur I will say I would not get the school involved it could make this situation way worse. They will be watching your daughter like a hawk and they could suspend her if she had it on school property. Just like I wouldn’t get the law involved with my kids. If she wants to vape she will give a way and will continue to hide it and lie to you. And don’t blame the other kids for your daughters actions. She will hide being around them. Be open and honest tell her your worries and fears but let her be a teen. Check up on her, let her come to you to talk about life and her problems and what kids are doing now days. If she knows she can trust you and you won’t be calling the school or cops she will tell you more and won’t sneak or hide things from you. If it’s not a challenge then the fun of doing it isn’t there!!! It’s our nature to want things we can’t have!
I’ve been that 12 year old girl … she needs healthy things to do with family or school keep her busy or she will keep herself busy the troubled kids will filter out then she will find ppl who have much healthier hobbies !!
If she’s getting some kind of allowance take that. The last time my son got in trouble for lying that’s what really made him upset was taking his money.
I think the best thing to do would be giving her a lecture about vaping. Show her the effects, and what could happen. Sadly if your daughter gets to the point of getting “grounded” when something happens, of course she won’t be honest with you.
You’re creating a sneaky teenager.
Proceed at your own risk.
I think u are living my life!!
Shit like this is why my 12 year old doesn’t have a phone and i wouldn’t tell her who she can and can’t hang out with she’s going to do it more behind your back… just take away her phone and don’t give it to her til she’s 15 or so she’s not responsible yet
Think back to you being a kid. Did you push boundaries. I know kids are different now. She is finding her place. Peer pressure is terrible. I was the cool mom all kids hung at my house. That way I new where My kids were and what they were doing. We had cool parties for most holidays.
I can tell you from watching my brother. The more you take away the more determined she will become.
Let her invite the girls over for pizza,
She is at a point where you can push her either way
Communication is key…us ad parents have to learn how to listen to understand not to react…stop asking about the vape she isnt guna tell u cuz u already have grounded her and embarrassed her so she knows that if she tells u that u arent guna understand your going to react and lash out…i was this teenager…i was good and made straight a’s but because my parents were strict i became sneaky and wldnt open up because i knew they wld yell and freak out…so i became and expert at bein sneaky….
I know everyone parents differently and that’s perfectly fine… I just had a similar situation but the difference is she came to me and admitted she tried the vape… we talked about all the dangers involved and how she’s too young to use it (14) she didn’t get in trouble for it because she came to me and told me. This is the type of relationship we have. Not saying she won’t ever hide anything from me but if you keep those communication lines open and they feel safe enough to talk then parenting a teenager I believe will be easier, not perfect but easier. If I would have yelled and took everything away I feel she wouldn’t come to me anymore, she wouldn’t feel safe enough to talk to me. Again, everyone parents differently. You have to stick to what you feel is right and not what everyone else thinks. Do what’s best for your own kid because you know her better than anyone and you know what will work for your family. Good luck
I’m no expert and I have read these comments I don’t understand? If we don’t ground them from hanging out with these kids then what just let them? The vaping I’m big on in your face scare tactics like showing them a video of what it does to your body real video of people in hospital because of it. That sort of thing it’s more impactful. So hopefully they choose not to vape
Grounded forever until she tells you
It’s a teenager girl thing. She’s trying to fit in ways that other girls are making seem cool. Just talk to her and let her know it’s better to be your own person. Not walking in other people’s foot steps. Nothing’s wrong with teen pregnancy. But a lot of the time that’s why it happens. Teens don’t realize what’s happening during sex. Like they need to understand the risk. STDs. Pregnancy. It sounds like it’s time for the talk.
I would definitely keep the communication open, you don’t need to know where the vape came from, you have to tell her the dangers of it. Tell her that her lies and mischievous is dangerous too. That you understand your trying to make friends but friends take care of each other and don’t lie to their parents.
Alot of the kids are vaping and nothing u do will stop it. It’s the age of pushing boundaries doesn’t mean her friends are bad. The condom thing that was a lie they don’t give them out. Ground her for lying but I think u did enough.
I feel for you but that’s not going to stop her from vaping or doing stuff you don’t want her to do. Stop asking how she got the vape. Of course, she’s not going to tell you. Try to have a conversation with her without going crazy. Otherwise, you’re screwed.
Teen years are around the corner. This is typical behavior. Guidance discipline and don’t forget to love and understand her. It’s a dough changing time but all part of growing up
All I can say is, unless you want to be a young grandma, get her on some birth control. Its funny how the only thing you did believe from her is that she didn’t have sex after telling the world she did… even if she didn’t, she’s thinking about it and falling into peer pressure. Time for some bc and safe sex talk
Make her punishment last for a while…. It’s easy now but in a month it will be soooo annoying to her
When my 14y kiddo started vaping, I started random drug testing and nicotine testing in my house. Sometimes we do back to back, sometimes it’s as long as every 2 weeks. It’s ridiculous, but she has stopped vaping and we’ve found no drugs. We’ll continue this until we feel she’s matured enough to make healthy choices.
Anytime she wants to hang out with someone, we meet the parent(s) first. Phone or in person. That way, I always have a means of discussing behavior with the parents.
I’m sorry you’re fighting this battle. there are some great suggestions here. Your family will get there. Hugs and prayers for you all.
Obviously she isn’t mature or wise enough to make good decisions when unsupervised, so she will have to be supervised. Is she involved in any extracurricular activities? Church groups? Sports? Dance? Etc. If not, I would try to get her involved in some positive and supervised activities. If she wants to hang out with friends, let them come to your house where you can supervise them and steer them towards positive activities.