This may be a little long so I apologize in advance. I have a 6 year old bonus kiddo. I have been with her dad for about 5 and half years. We have had 50/50 custody pretty much the whole time except the first year she was in school because we lived over an hour away from her school. We moved closer to her school so we are doing 50/50 again now. When she was really young She would go through phases of not wanting to go to Dad’s and then not wanting to go to moms but for the last 2 years she hasn’t been doing that For the last few months, she has been not wanting to come here all of a sudden. When she comes here, she cries the whole time cause she wants to go back to her mom’s. We try talking to her and asking her what has changed to where she doesn’t like being here now and she just says “i don’t know” or “I miss mom.” We have tried letting her go back to mom’s early some weekends, and it doesn’t help. We have tried having her doing video chats with her mom a few days when she is here, and that doesn’t help. We used to do one week at dad’s and one week at mom’s, so we switched to a alternating 3 day/4day schedule to see if that would help, and it doesn’t. We all get along well so I don’t think there is an issue of like parental tension between the households (we sit by each other at school events and go to fairs and stuff together all the time). There is kind of different parenting styles between the two houses. At dad’s house, we try very hard to “gentle parent” so we don’t yell alot and use more of teaching then punishment for discipline. At moms house, there is less structure and routine and things are a little more chaotic over there. (I’m not saying one is better than the other, I’m just explaining how things differ between households) at dad’s house, we have a hard time getting her to eat, and at moms she eats. We’ve tried talking to mom about this and she says she eats and states she usually has donuts for breakfast and chips and cookies and things like that for snacks. We typically try to encourage healthy eating habits and the things she’s getting for meals and snacks at moms house are considered “treats” at dad’s and are for special occasions and not an everyday thing. (Again, not saying moms doing something wrong, we just do something different). I thought maybe the differences were what’s bothering it but it has always been like that and her not wanting to come is so recent. My bonus kiddo also has no problem being over here if we are “doing something.” If we are going to the zoo, park, or to a grandparents house or anywhere, she has a blast and has no problem being here. But if she has to actually be at the house her or if we ask her to go play for a bit, she starts crying saying she misses mom and wants to go back there. This last time we had her, we called her mom to come over and try and talk to her. When her mom is around, my bonus kiddos whole mood and attitude changes. She starts talking like a baby, clinging onto mom, if mom tries to set her down, she bends her knees and won’t stand up and hangs onto moms shirt or pants and refuses to let her mom set her down. We couldn’t even get her to talk to us about anything cause she was just trying to climb and cling onto mom the whole time. My bonus kiddo acts this way everytime her mom is around (school events and when we go do fun stuff all together). When we told mom that she doesn’t do the baby talking or acting babyish unless she’s around, she told us that bonus kiddo is always like that with her and doesn’t know how to get her to stop. My bonus kiddo acts like two completely different kids at each household, which is also hard because she does things here she doesn’t at moms at vice versa so we can’t co-parent because we don’t even know what’s going on. We are trying to get her into therapy to see if that will help figure out what’s going on. I’m just wondering if anyone else has gone through the same thing and what helped you?? Thank you!!
Moms her safe spot thats why she acts differently, moms the constant in her life
Imho the whole week on week off thing is sooooo bad for kids how can they get a routine established etc etc
It sounds like she sees mom as the figure thats always there
Honestly it’s just hard to for kids to understand why there’s 2 different households and why she can’t be with mom and dad at the same time. It doesn’t mean that anybody is doing anything wrong, it’s just natural. I would try to lessen the mom coming over and lessen the video chats and have her get use to being at your house as it sounds like she only starts to act up once she gets bored. Keep her busy and remind her she’s loved all around and that she’ll see her mom in a few days.
Personally I wouldn’t give in and allow the child to have her way each time she pitches a fit. If you all know she is safe and what not then just allow her to do her thing. Tell her that her mama is always a phone call away but you’ll see her on this day and give her a calendar on the wall to mark the days. I wouldn’t give in each time because mom’s her safe spot, she allowed anything and everything and allowed the baby talk and the clinginess. The only way the child will grow from that is by having consistent time away from all of that. I’d go back to one week here and one there and allow her to grow with the routine and in time she will.
Sounds like girlchild has learned how to manipulate all of the adults. Mom’s is more fun because there is more junk food and less rules. I don’t know how to fix it unless all of the adults act like they’re in charge.
Currently going thru all of this with my 5 year old!
I’m actually going through a similar situation with my daughter. She is 5, just started Kindergarten. Well last year she was in daycare and would cry all the time that she wanted to goto her dad’s, says it’s not fair she sees me more, she misses him, it lasted about 2 months and then she was fine, all of a sudden didn’t cry and was happy go lucky. Once she started Kindergarten it was like a reset. She now calls him every day, cries, says she misses him and wants to goto his house. She goes with him every other weekend and 2 days during the week of the opposite weekend. It’s always been that way as he has a weird work schedule and always gets them when he can. I’m assuming the change of routine is what caused my daughter’s reactions, im not sure if it could be the same scenario for you?
I think you answered your own post. Most likely she wants to go back to moms is because of donuts, cookies, snacks and limited rules. Its every kids dream!
I definitely have and am going through this, the only thing that will help is you explain to the child, you do things differently at your house then at her moms house, and she needs to respect and do what she’s told. It’s hard going back and forth for a child and living 2 different lifestyles , so you have think about that too. But I’m all honestly, it comes with maturity. Give it time.
Stop giving in and giving her access to mom when she is at your house. The child needs boundaries. Right now she is in charge and until that stops and she realizes she is going to be at your house, with your rules nothing is going to change.
Take a minute and take a step back. Think about it like this; most adults can’t control or navigate their own emotions but we expect children to. Children are born with adult emotions not little children emotions that grown with them like their little bodies and without being taught how to navigate or control them ouburts like the things you listed are the results. Even though you all get along, divorce is still hard on the adults let alone the children. She might be struggling with a lot of things and just doesn’t know how to express it because well, she’s 6. Therapy is not a bad thing and it might not hurt to get her a therapist to help teach her healthy ways of expressing those emotions and learning how to connect with people. Pandemic kids went through a critical phase of needing that outside influence of other kids and socializing that they didn’t get and it has affected them more than people realize. Ask any 1st grade or Kindergarten teacher.
That girl don’t need no therapy… smh 
she is straight playing you and her dad that’s what’s going on…
Whenever she’s at your house and she starts crying and throwing a fit, DO NOT call her mom… :no_mouth: that’s the issue right there… she’s not learning the rules of your house, she’s throwing a fit a temper tantrum to get her mom and to get what she wants. She hast to learn there’s two houses two sets of rules, she’s allowed to do whatever she wants to do at her mom‘s house which is fine they have their rules, but your house has different rules it’s ran different and she needs to learn that, my grandchildren have this issue my daughters house is the house with discipline, and she feels bad for it but it will pay off in the long run. My youngest granddaughter is almost 4 and her dad spoils her completely rotten like bad…
but when she comes to my daughters house she has more rules and it is hard for baby girl but my daughter Has to remind her that they have rules at her house.  my daughter also has a 10-year-old and a seven-year-old from another dad that she coparents very well with. 
Let her cry it out, once she sees there is no giving in she will start to realize her crying won’t work. It will take time.
I believe you answer your own question. The mom spoiled her and give her everything she want. And it’s not gna be good for a long run. Mom need to grow up and stop baby that kid. I don’t like kids who get whatever they want. They will grow up to adults who think the world owe them everything. There’s your answer. Bio mom is the problem. You continue to set boundaries and discipline her. She don’t like it now but she will need it in the future.
Lol. Reminds me of my stepson when he was that age and it was mostly due to his dad allowing him to what he wanted so it was just the fact that he spoiled him. Mom needs to put her foot down and have a talk with her daughter. I think the therapy should help though.
You all are to be commended for your co-parenting…do you have other children, the problem could be there, if not. Start doing time outs a few minutes at a time for unacceptable behavior, do things with just her, color with her, have a tea party, let her help you with chores, don’t make her do them ask her to, say would you like to color with me, would you like to help me do dishes, sweep, etc…
As an adult who went through this very thing , I don’t know why I needed to go home. I just had to go home and would be miserable and people around me didn’t understand and would take it personally. I was forced to stay even while being that upset. After years of therapy and learning that if the parents understood at the time it would have been BEST to let the child skip visits and let the child make some of the decisions when the visits would be.
The respond is easy , little kids doesn’t care to much about some of the things that you mentioned but , as soon as they start growing they will prefer to stay at the most permissible house with the less rules and soft parenting, she wants to be with her mom because she can get her way .
This will be very difficult to fix, because you both have very different style of parenting.
You guys have to be strong and stop letting her to be in charge, stop calling and having her mom over every time she throws a tantrum because she will keep doing it.
Seriously stop dissing that child’s mother like it or not she’s her number one that child is probably acting out because she is feeling your energy not liking her mother
Sounds like mum is babying her too much. She knows how to pull strings. Mum needs to be more assertive
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Going through this now with my bonus daughter who is 7. I have been with her dad for 3yrs. Her attitude and behavior has always been off and on but ever since summer started she has been a whole different kid. Me and my fiance run our house the same as you. At her mom’s house she gets her way and does whatever she wants because she’s the only child there. At our house I have my 2 kids with me. It first started with her saying that dad is mean and that our house is dirty and that we supposedly force her to do chores (shes always excited and asking to do chores when shes eith us)which none of it is true at all. She is way different whenever her mom is around. She screams, yells and cries if she doesn’t get her way. She rarely does that with us and when she does it isn’t as bad with us and we make sure to nip that kind of behavior in the butt real quick but there’s no reasoning with her when mom is around. She has even told her mom that she likes it better at her moms house because her mom buys her things whenever she wants and her mom is always taking her places. Unfortunately we can’t afford to go places very often because it’s expensive when it’s all 5 of us together… I just try to encourage my fiance to have more alone time with her. We tried the eaelt pick uo and video chats and those never worked either. We just ignore the comments of her wanting to go back home to mom (she usually says it when she’s bored or doesn’t get her way) and explain to her that it is daddy’s time with her now and that he misses her and try to encourage her to play a game or something with us or just with her dad. She’s slowly learning that she isn’t going to get her way and she’s slowly starting to understand it all. Her mom is going to start putting her in counseling soon because she admits that she has been struggling with her at home with all the temper tantrums
Just a phase. She will grow out of it. Maybe visit her there. Take her somewhere for an hour or two and take her back to her mom.
you mam are dealing with a spoiled child lol mom needs tk crack down and make her stop this baby stuff. and when shes at your house u guys need to keep doing what ur doing and she needs to learn to deal with it… i would never put up with this from my kids or my step child. noooooo way.
She has Sussex out how to get what she wants . It’s only making things harder when she is at yours . Don’t give in to her . She will adjust when you stop giving in .
One united front!!! It’s awesome that u all get on as this makes it easier. People only behave the way you let them, whether they are 6 or 60. The mum is asking for help because she can’t stop the child being so clingy. Group and individual counselling. Even though you have a good relationship, there needs to be consistency with parenting in the 2 houses. 
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Child is fooling that cuz mom lets her ugh it’s gonna be tough mom has to put her foot down and start telling the kid to stop she will have to stop feeding that behavior believe me been there with one of mine
My bonus did this, exactly and it was literally the food. She didn’t like what we had (it was normal stuff, I cooked a meal). I started making at least 1 thing each kid liked and it was okay after that.
I don’t have any advice, but I’d like to say this is one of the best and well written posts I’ve seen on this group in a while.
I really commend you and your SO, and the ex for coparenting in such a “good” way and together for your bonus daughter. It’s hard for a lot of people to do that, and I love that you are sensitive to her feelings and legitimately care about her. 
best of luck
Keep the united front with this issue. Mom needs to do a bit more though. This may very well be a phase, BUT if it isnt, mom needs to stop spoiling her with unhealthy snacks and food. She also needs to let her know that the baby behavior isnt going to work every time. She lets the behavior continue at her house so there wont be much change.
I was that kid who didn’t want to go home, nose snotty and eyes red from crying hard. I had a reason I didnt want to go back though.
Sounds to me like bonus child gets more affection from her mom. My child did the same thing. At first her bonus mom gave her affection but soon after visits it stopped. My daughter has always been affectionate and needs the attention and she just didn’t get it at her dad’s.
Your not alone, we have been going through the same thing with my bonus son, he just turned 6. We live further apart though so we only get 4 days a month during the school year. I wish so badly I had some advice for you but all is just give her all the love y’all can and keep doing your best